This was playing when.............

So I had been thinking about doing a post about this awhile back but things just coming up and i got sidetracked. But, today when i was in the car with my new ??? partner in crime, she was listening to some old Janet and I was like do you have "Again" and she was like, it's the next song.... and so i stayed in her car listening to the words, reminiscing about the days i used to play that TAPE over and over again. It was the first time i thought i was in love. I guess i must have really thought i was in love cuz i tatted his name on my body....and he made me feel this way and i never even slept with him. (but that's a story for another day) so when he left the Chi to head back to Alabama, i was crushed as only a 16 yr old could be crushed. I played this song over and over and over again. and i cried and cried and cried over again. So anyways i got to thinking about the other songs that i hear that gets me to reminiscing about my past, or my present...


Let's hear it for the boys: i was in first grade, the first time that my mother was serious about leaving Hitler, she left and came back for us three days later when Hitler was sleep and had us jump out of our apartment window. When we got in the car, this was playing.


Ebony and Ivory: the song my parents played for me when i told them that kids were teasing me about my color and that it bothered me


Greatest Love of All: my uncle's graduation...and my first graduation


Lean on Me, IF you Believe, That's What Friends Are For: My eight grade graduation


Brenda's Got A Baby: my first day of high school


What Would I Do, If I Could Feel: my first crush


I Want To Be Your Man: my first love's pager...first time i had my own code


Black Butterfly: the summer i spent at Xavier University


Mac Daddy: My Acebooncoon and our blank missions and wild adventures



Gloria: first time i saw a real live penis

Between the Sheets: losing my virginity


Good Times: 1st year in college

Holding Back the Years: when i was raped


Where do Broken Hearts Go: when i lost the 1st twin


Until YOu Come Back to Me: 2nd twin


No More Rain: When I finished the book


I'll Erase Away Your Pain: when Luv was vowing never to hurt my feelings


It's Gettin Hot in Here: the day i took the lil one home

Burn: When i started the process of planting the seed to leave Luv alone



Shake it OFF: the summer of healing myself

So Lady: how i am feeling right now

I found My Everything: hopefully the song that will be playing when i find the man i will marry

What about yall...do you hear songs and start having flashbacks? IF so, what songs?

It's True, I'm an L 7

I remember clearly when I was in the seventh grade that my brother's best friend told me that I would never have to worry about being a nerd or a square because I was too crazy. Now some years later, I am realizing that he probably wasn't the best judge of character.


The realization started to hit me when I was reading others blogs, and I was like dang girl, you are a bit of a prude...but it all struck home the other day when some of my classmates were talking about their wild college days and high school years.


In highschool, we had peeps sneaking out at all types of the hour, getting drunk, high and going to wild orgy parties. Yeah, i snuck out once when i was in highschool... um, i was a senior in highschool, three weeks away from leaving for college. Never snuck a boy in my house. Didn't want to die an early death and neither did any of my male friends. Never had a desire to drink...seeing Hitler and his buddies get wasted on a regular and then going home and beating their wives and kids sort of turned me off. I remember the first time someone smoked weed around me...yeah i was eighteen and was in a hotel room...my boyfriend at the time, the one who took all that time to sell a dime bag, thought if he got us a room that would guarantee that he would get some. he even thought that if he went down on me that it would put the icing on the cake. yeah, when he figured out that his balls were probably going to fall off if he was waiting for me, he called his boyz to the hotel for a puff puff pass session. they were on one side of the room and i was on the other breathing into a Mystic bottle praying i didn't get a contact high. My cos was on the phone laughing at me telling me i should hit it just to say i did. Once again, i had to decline cuz seeing that i was so close to leaving home and being free, i was not interested in Hitler killing me cuz i came home high. The most exciting thing i did in high school was probably cause an accident due to the silk boxers i was wearing outdoors while collecting money for Kiwanis.


Okay so we went on to college days and peeps told tells of how they broke curfew and snuck boys through windows and down fire escapes and hid under beds to go undetected by the RA. How they threw-up in water fountains and stayed blunted up for most of their college career. How they stole cars and went on joyrides cuz they were too high to care. How they passed out every other weekend due to the amount of liquor they had consumed. How they club hopped every thursday through sunday, sometimes not even stopping to change their clothes. Me, yeah, i snuck a dude up once and the security guard saw us on camera and came and knocked on my suite door. I had him standing in the shower while dude checked my room for him. But, it was Turkey day and most of our friends had went home, so we were just trying to eat and be merry with some peeps we cared about since we couldn't go home. It wasn't a bootay call sneak in. I did get caught by my boyfriend's mother, having sex in his room. That was really embarassing. Especially seeing that I would have to walk past her to exit their apartment. And the biggest thing i did was participate in the vending machine break- in that got my gurl's dorm on lockdown for 3 straight months and they installed cameras everywhere. And even this wasn't bad enough to make me a rebel according to my classmates.


So i guess it is time for me to admit the truth to myself...i live a dull and boring life....and yeah i am a SQUARE.

Chickened Out

So I am up cleaning and seasoning chicken and thinking to myself, "What if he don't like the way I fry chicken?" Cuz i don't like the way my MBC (mama by choice) frys chicken even though she throws down in the kitchen. Then I am making my bootleg homemade greens. And deciding if I want to do cornbread or rolls. But decide to decide that after I finish making my homemade baked mac n cheese. But for some reason, I am feeling doubtful....I don't want to make it from memory, I want to use my recipe....I can't find the recipe, probably because I haven't used it since I was nine....now my brain has turned to mush...Do I put in an egg or do i just thicken the flour base? what's a girl to do? Not sure, and the constant chant from the lil' one that their ready to eat ain't helping my nerves. So I did what anyone in my position beside my sis the INSANE one would've done. I called Crush and gave us both an out. I told them I needed to know what time they would be home so I could drop the stuff off. Never mind that they were supposed to be coming over to my freshly cleaned pad. Never mind that I had taken out my nice dishes and chilled the ginger beer and had flutes to pour them in. I was worrying so much that I was making myself have a private summer....or it could have been from my visualization of me pouncing on him when he came through my door. Nevertheless, I couldn't go through with it, so I didn't....yeah, i punked out after all the whining and giggling about him.


i just had so much staked on this event that i needed to reevaluate things. I didn't want things to go bad and for me to be like: he didn't like me because he thinks i am ugly. i didn't want to go back to those days or that way of dealing with rejection. i need to get to a place where i can be like: he didn't like me cuz i got to much booty or simply because we didn't click.


i would be lying if i didn't say that i am kinda bummed that i couldn't/didnt' go through with it. I guess i hadn't progressed as far as i thought i had...but it's okay, i am learning that baby steps
are okay too as long as the motion is forward. So back to the drawing board...

oh and he thought my food was off the chain....





ps if u are still interested about my friend that i met when i chilled in the 'A', you can go to www.glamazonlife.blogspot.com

It IS What It IS pt. 2

So this will be a tribute to the second anonymous because I am sure that prick is one who will never step outside of their box and understand how others live their life.


So, after my heated car discussion, I called some of my FRIENDS a word I don't use lightly and asked them what they thought.


One of my friends said that people use their situations as an excuse to not do better and she was sick of it. If our situations really defined who we are or what we are going to do then she would still be with her child's father. Because growing up in her parent's house watching her father beat her mother, she would have been socialized into believing it was okay for a man to beat you.


My Question to her: Your son's father beat you?
Her: Yeah....but not all the time.
Me: How long were you with him before you left?
Her: Six years
Me: You don't think the fact that it took you SIX YEARS and not six days or a day to leave had nothing to do with what you saw growing up?
Her: I don't know....I don't think so because I left and if it really did I would have stayed.
Me: I think it did but I also think the fact that you wanted to change and wanted something different for yourself is what allowed you to have the strength to leave.
Her: I still think some use it as it excuse.
Me: Yeah, some do.



I had the same convo with my girl from the Dirty South.
She said that she didn't think people used it as an excuse, that people are a product of their environment. The difference is that some people don't need much motivation for them to change or for them to see outside of their box. Others need to see people who are similarly situated trying to do something different. Then there are some people who not only need to see these people trying but have to see them succeed at going against the grain before they will even attempt to try and change their situation. Then there are some who will not ever try because they feel that they will fail anyway so why change.



I agree that we all have the ability to change but like everything else we all need different things to do this. The bottom line is that you have to WANT to change. If not, you will without a doubt fall into the trap of doing what you are familiar with even if you didn't agree with it when it was happening to you or when you were viewing it. I make a conscious effort everyday not to abuse my kids, and there are some days that I almost fall short. But, I do not let my shortcomings for that day stop me from trying to do better the next day.


We all have choices to make and sometimes the ones we make may not make sense to those on the outside looking in, and it may be because they don't want it to make sense to them because it would shatter their false reality or it could be because it is actually foolishness we are involved in. So like I said before, in the end, it is what it is.

Be Careful What you Wish For

Okay, so I must apologize... See what happened was, I went out on Friday and Saturday night and had A drink, and being the light-weight that I am, couldn't function enough to write a coherent blog. But I will jump right to the pressing issues and post the IT IS WHAT IT IS part 2 and what happened to my date with Crush at a later date.

You just don't get it
It's not about all the missing details
The silent glares
The hurried phone calls
The extended abscences
None of that even matters.

What matters is that when I asked you
To bear your soul
And give me the raw truth
You looked me straight in the Eyes
And lied
That's the point.


It's funny how in the end it's the little things that really do determine how we will react to situations. So, I had a convo the other day with Luv that let me know something was looming.



Me: Hey, did you talk to that lady?
Luv: Naw, went around there, she wasn't there. I can call you today when I am on my way over there and let you hear me knocking on the door.
Me: Whatever, you still gonna give me that money for my child on Friday.
Luv: I am gonna try, but I probably can't give you all of it cuz my checks don't be looking like much.
Me: Are you going to the gym today cuz i want to talk to D.
Luv: I'm not even sure cuz I am going through some things right now.
Me: What with D?
Luv: Naw, at home (extended silence) but I don't want to go into it. But if I do go, I'll call you so you can talk to D.
Me: Aiight, bye.


Now, the old me would have asked what was wrong but the new me really didn't care to know. I had other things to be concerned about like why have I been sick for going on six weeks. (hell to the naw, I ain't pregnant...think it's pneumonia)


Later on that night Luv calls me so that MY CHILD can talk to his brother D. After they converse in Chinese and English, Luv gets back on the phone.


Luv: Boobe, you know I left home.
Me: (how in the hell should i know this? is what I am thinking) Oh, sorry to hear that, but it is January, yall always spliting up in January.
Luv: Naw, not this time. I was tired of faking and I told her so. I told her that remember when you asked me if I loved my son's mother and I told you that I loved my son? Well, I lied. I do love her, and I am in love with her and always have been and always will be. I made a big mistake by trying to work it out with you. I am not in love with you any more and I don't want to be with you, I want her.
Me: But, you told me that you told her that you did love me, so you lied.
Luv: Yeah, but I came clean now.
Me: Okay, well I am studying, I'll talk to you later.
Luv: I was wondering if I can get YOUR Child on Saturday so I can spend some time with him so he can meet his youngest sister.
Me: We have plans, I am taking the gurls to the mall and then I have my study group dinner that he must attend.
Luv: Well maybe i can get him next week.
Me: (hell to the naw, my child will not be at the mercy of your situation and your convenience.) Maybe, we'll see. I gotta go so I can try and get my computer to work so that I can do my homework.
Luv: Okay, I'll call you later. So now I can be with you.
Me: Bye.


So everybody thinks that because a girl really walking around with that swagger in her step like she done won the lottery that it means to come and try and steal her joy. It will not happen. I am not sure how i feel about the situation but I have been here before and I REFUSE TO LET MYSELF GET EXCITED ATLEAST UNTIL THE INK IS DRY AND THE COURT HAS SAID IT'S OFFICIAL. So now I want to change all of my numbers and move so that he can't find me. I don't know if I feel the same about him and I am not sure if it's because of Crush or if it's because of my growth. But I do know that I don't have time for this madness in the 06...this is my year to shine and do me and that's exactly what I am going to do...ME! and to think I used to dream about this day.

No More Daddy's Lil Girl

I remember when I used to make Hitler smile with joy, when he used to come home bearing some trinket for me, whether it was a half eaten burrito or some sticker of some sort, he was always thinking of his little girl.


But i remember the day that would change everything, turning his love into the madness that filled the rest of my days the day was hot and our teacher was sick so a sub was sent in. being kids, we took advantage of the poor, unsuspecting sub. even though we knew that we were not allowed to leave campus for lunch due to our age without our parents' permission, we convinced him that it was okay to let us out. it was nine of us, four girls and five boys. the plan was to go across the street to my grandma house and get some money from my uncle and then for us to walk to the corner store and buy some penny candy ho-hos, and some doritos w/ hot cheese.



well, we went to my granny's door and noone answered. this was strange cuz my uncle always answered the door. esp. around this time cuz he always knew that i was gonna find some way to sneak outta school to come and get some candy money or chill until lunch period was over. so being that some of the kids with us had older siblings, the decided the best way to past the time we had to spare before lunch was over was for the girls to show the boys their privates and vice verse... well, seeing that we were only in the first grade, them dudes didn't have much to show us. we grew tired of just show and tell so it turned into show and feel. and that's where the trouble began...so first the girls would rub, pull, smack, swat at the boys' penises and the boys would finger us. but seeing we had some advance perverts in our group, they wanted to take it a step farther and have us seat on each other's laps and bounce up and down. well, guys did girls, girls did guys, guys did guys and girls did girls...
and it was at that moment when Yella was hopping on me that my uncle opened the door.



the shock, disappointment, disgust, anguish that was on his face told me that i wasnt going to get my usual five dollars for junk food. after he sternly told all of us to pull up our clothes he looked at me and said, " you know i am gonna have to tell your father, right?" and i said with my big brown eyes," uh-un...why. we weren't doing anything. please don't tell. just let us go to the store and we will go back to school." he gave me two dollars and told me he would think about it.



the walk to the candy store didn't seem as exciting....everyone knew that if he told my father, it would be all over cuz surely i would have to rat them out and their parents would be informed that we playing with each others' privates so we were "nasty"



when i got home, Hitler was waiting in the living room for me, "Trutz what did you do today?"


so , i guess my uncle really didn't think that hard. hmph. that was the beginning of the end of Hitler's tokens of love and the end of my candy money...

It Just Aint So

Sorry for the delay, more computer problems and I have actually been studying this week, which is taking away from my blog time.

I have heard that the traits or qualities that you despise in others are traits that you have yourself possess and don't like. Now that I am GROWN and SEXY, I am wondering if there is any validity to this.



Hitler: mean, evil, stingy, liar, lazy, non-affectionate, dictator

Other: fake, boogie, dependent, liar, nosy, exaggerator, weak

User: user, liar, nasty, dependent, weak, liar (yeah, had to hit him up again for emphasis) selfish

Shell: too complacent

Columbine: evil



All Others: fake, boogie, liars, users, nosy, weak, evil for no reason, closed-minded, judgemental, ego-mantic



Now I turn the mirror on me and I am sorry but I am not a liar, in fact i think i am too honest at times. I have never been selfish and am just learning that I need to learn how to be a lil selfish for my own sanity. I can't keep giving freely of my resources if noone is replenishing me. I have NEVER been lazy. I have always up until the time my child was born, worked 2 and three jobs while going to to school full-time. The only person I could ever be called being fake with would have to be myself when I refuse to believe that all the issues that I have blogged about thusfar, have been affecting me. Nosy, hah, I'm probably the most private individual you would ever meet, hence why i am in the witness protection program.



So, I think that stuff people say about you not liking people who display traits that you don't like about yourself is a bunch of horse crap. I don't like people who have traits I don't like and don't ever want to foster.



I never want to be the person who cannot or will not step outside of their box or comfort zone when it involves something serious. A real social concern (anonymous, me not telling my crush i like them does not count as a social concern)


It's a lot going on right now and as soon as I get my computer acting right, I will get you up to speed cuz a girl needs some advice.

It is What it Is

So I Went, I Saw and I Came Back In Tears.... my friend is in a very bad situation; but I think the world is in a worse one.


I understand that we are socialized by our experiences in life; what I don't understand is how we allow our experiences to stop us from seeing outside the box.


My friend comes from a very privileged family BUT she liked to hang out with the commonfolks. And her love for the common people has bitten her in the behind.


So we had a round"car" discussion about why "Good" girls love Bad boys. And you know I had to hold it down for the "good girls" with this fascination. Here is the funny thing in our discussion "good" equaled: rich, privileged, well-off, powerful and nice. Bad Boy equaled: someone not educated, as rich, as privileged and ofcourse thug. My problem: don't you know that there are good girls in the hood? And how in the hell do I know.......I was one of them and so were some of my crew.

The analysis: People who stay in bad relationships are stupid especially if they come from a "good" family.


Now, needless to say, the discussion got heated because I was in a group of elitist brats who have always had things paid for them, who have never had their HOUSE phone disconnected because their parents only had enough money to cover the rent. Who don't know anyone personally who've had their house phone turned off because of this.... and if they think they do now because they know me, they are dead wrong. My house phone gets turned off because i don't pay the bill. Sometimes I forget to pay and sometimes I just ain't in the mood to pay. (those who read the blog abt the twins know this is something i started to do after they died....stopped paying my bills on time or at all) I was among a group of people who never saw their parents fight or get into an argument in front of them, so they couldn't understand how some peeps equivocate love with violence. And then you have some who probably have lived this life and despised it so that now they have totally erased the experience from their minds and fake like they din always had it made.

So my friend was from the right side of the spectrum and she choose to mingle with the left side of the spectrum (hence why we were so cool)....maybe she loved the realness of it. maybe she was tired of hanging out with paper thin people...people of no substance....because struggle surely shows you what you are made of....and until you have struggled, you will never really know what you can endure.


Me, I grew up in a low-income family who climbed their way to a middle-income family. My Other with her boogie self, grew up in some of the meanest projects in Chgo, but you would never know this talking to her because she has erased it from her mind along with a whole bunch of other things. I had/have aunts and uncles who live in the projects. Yah know where you go in and the roaches greet you at the door, spell yo' name out and everything? Where you have to put that ride or die face on so a niggah will think twice before they stepped to you. I grew up knowing that there would be hungry days and hungry nights depending on which side the coin fell that month. We never flipped for rent. that was always to be paid, but sometimes we had to flip to see if we were going to buy groceries or pay the electric bill. So some days we sat in the dark and some days we sat in the light with empty bellies.


I grew up knowing that you could get to college but you may not be able to stay because when the bills racked up.....you gotta pay or you gotta leave. I remember how Hitler sat us down and said, "If you wanna go to college, you gotta figure out how you gonna get there and how you gonna stay, cuz I ain't giving you a red cent!" and I am not sure if he was saying this because he was a mean sorry excuse for a man in the first place or because he simply couldn't afford to help us because he couldn't really afford to help himself. I remember when my oldest bio brother went to college. He ate bolgna and crackers everyday for two months because that's all he could afford. How did he get money? He sold his soul, literally. At his school, they paid people to give blood. He gave blood every week... you have to wait like four ???? days after you give blood before you can give blood again. So what did i do? I saved up my lunch and busfare money and sent it to him. I received $30 per week for lunch and to buy tokens to catch the bus to school. I stopped eating lunch or went home with some of my friends during lunch and walked the 14 blocks to school. He eventually had to leave, but he did come back and do the dang thing. When I went to college, me and my roommate at ravioli or velveeta cheese shells everyday for a year. We both eventually had to leave (me and my roommate) but, we both came back and did the dang thing, too.



I grew up watching my father and mother fight. I watched my aunt's husbands stomp her out. I watched my friend's families fight. But I also saw peeps who didn't. But even if I hadn't, I knew in my hearrt that everyone didn't get down like this. I grew up watching people struggle, doing everything to keep their head above water and learning that temporary lay-offs do sometimes turn into permanent unemployment. But, I also knew that some people could get to the upper eastside. How do I know? My bio aunt, Other's sister lives next door to R. Kelly. She lived there before he. But, seeing that it ain't many that look like me in that neighborhood, I know that everyone can't get there because it ain't too many that look like me inheriting trust funds or have parents that are making 6 and 7 digits.

So what I am saying is that I know that our experiences shape our lives...but what we go through and experience in life ain't necessarily going to be everyone's norm. and that's the realness of it...when i hear peeps say that they don't understand how a person can do x, y, or z it's because they don't want to see x, y, or z. they don't want to step outside of their box, their comfort zone and venture into the next man's.



It's funny cuz I always tease people that my kids ain't going to grow up privileged because I didn't, so why should they? But I guess the real reason is that I don't want him to act like them. (and when i say them, i am speaking of the ones that have it so made that they can't empathize or sympathize with their people who are living from hand to mouth, who have a huge dependency on wanting/needing to be love, who equate violence with love.....yah know the ones who can't understand why their world can't exist for the masses.) I want him to know that you should never flip for your rent but there may be times yah gotta flip for other things cuz life is a coin toss.


I guess in the end, it is what it is

The Word That Describes Me

Passionate.

Passion is what drives me to be the best I can be... no, not the army. Passion is what makes me cry when my friends are sad and rejoice when they are happy. It is what makes me turn over every rock until i've uncovered the truth and nothing but the truth. It is the reason i get so excited over the littlest thing and so disappointed when things don't work out the way i want them. Passion is who i am and what drives me to be me.


I say all this because sometimes life gets me down and makes me wanna cry; but, the reason i don't stay down or keep crying is because of the passion that runs through my veins. The essence of who i am.


what word describes you? dictates your every action?


i will be absent for a minute. I am going to visit my girl who is locked down. kinda got my spirits down, but the passion i have for making things right or making sure she doesn't get a raw deal, won't allow me to stay down.

much love and take care

Deflated

So just like that, my air has been let out. Crush has a girlfriend, maybe.... i heard it through the grapevine and ever since, i have been out of sorts. Yeah, i could take it with a grain of salt, but i don't even want to go there again. Luv not only broke my heart but i allowed him to crush my soul, allowed him to erase away all of the beautiful things that made me, me. And i don't want any more drama like that, other woman drama.

I know me and i can't do the casual sex thing without going crazy. I have never really be in the dating scene where you dress to impress and go get yo' man kinda thing. Like i said before, if you came up to me and was like yo' i like you, let's get together, we got together whether i liked you or not. BUT the new me isn't about settling. It's about getting what i deserve. and I deserve to be happy and i deserve a man that i don't have to buy his meal off the dollar menu cuz he ain't gots it this week or even last week.....


Crush was my chance to step the game up. To have the whole package. the brains, beauty, and the money. MONEY POWER RESPECT, that's what's up. so now i am wondering if the LD man who runs the copier, or the Nuggat man who drives our ride on bus or the Severely balding librarian is all that i can get..... which keeps me thinking about the homeless man i messed with. (yeah, i know i owe you that blog and will soon come)


So even though Crush saw Red when they spotted me in my outfit...it was most likely just lust. or shock. shock to see that the girl who always sported the baggy clothes and ponytail cleaned up so well. who's to know?


But, i will still cook his dinner and send him on his marry way.

Bummed until i find another prospect

if you blink you will miss it

so i find it more comfortable to blog w/o my face being on here... but since i promised to show you what a gurl was wearing on New Year's Eve to make a boy go bump bump bump.... i gotta keep my word. Zed, keep the drool in the mouth. (lol) so i will probably take these down on thursday.... so is life.

Now sing it with me....WHO'S THAT GIRL....TRUTHZ THAT GIRL.....yeah, ya got it.

The "Death"saver

So I told myself that i would always go with my gut feeling, especially when it involved my child after my first and only car accident. The lil one was six months and I was picking him up from daycare in Foxy, the hoopty that kept it real.

I was tired and feeling lazy when i picked him up. If anyone has had to place a child in a carseat, you know that the contraption can take darn near twenty minutes to get the child situated for a five minute ride. I was going to just place him in the seat without strapping him down because we were going right home, which was all of five blocks away. Something told me,"strap that baby in or you will regret it." So i strapped the big head child in and hopped behind the wheel and proceeded to try and buck my usual U so i could be on my marry way back to the crib. However, due to the recent snowfall, cars were inching along when they should have been keeping with the flow of traffic; therefore, i couldn't buck my U. I would have to go the long way around to go back in the direction i needed to go.


I made my right at the corner and a right at the next. Went down two blocks and stopped at the stop sign. I had a decision to make, i could either proceed down to the next block and cross the four lane street or i could make a right go to the light, make a left and be stuck at that light for about ten minutes and then go the final two blocks home. the line of cars to the right of me made me proceed straight ahead, but my gut kept saying turn right. Even when i got to the corner with the stop sign, my gut kept saying turn around and go back, so what if you get caught at the eternal light. But i was already there and the traffic was light, i could make it. The car to the left of me on the road i needed to cross had its turning lights on making it seem as if they were going to turn on the street i was currently on, but i wasn't going to take any chances until it looked like they were decreasing speed. i hoped they were because the coast was clear for the two lanes that i would have to cross with traffic going in the opposite direction. the car started slowing down with enough time for me to proceed out into the street and with enough time for the car behind it to notice that it was 1. slowing down and 2. turning.


Well, there i am, in the middle of the street blocking the traffic on my side getting ready to cross the final two lanes when the car i was watching turns on the street i was on;however, the moron behind him was on the phone and wasn't paying attention and to avoid running into them jumps lanes and runs right into me. the impact not only spun me three times but caused my car to catch on fire. all the while i am saying to myself,"if this was a new car, i would be dead." Oddly enough, when the firefighters got there, they told me the same thing.


So long after the firefighters pointed out that i needed to exit Foxy because she had flames shooting from her, i had refused to leave because 1. i hadn't realized that she was on fire and 2. they couldn't get my child out of the carseat and i wasn't going anywhere until i had him in my arms.


so as i sat there looking at all the confusion i couldn't help but thank God that i had properly strapped my baby in his seat and be sad that i didn't listen to my gut. All of this could have been avoided if i had just made that other right turn and went the way my gut was telling me. After that, i said i would always listen to my gut when it came to my child.



Sadly to say, today, i once again did not listen to my gut feeling and almost had to pay dearly.


My son was being a poor sport and refused to share his Weebles with the little girls from down the hall. Now mind you, we had just left their apartment where he played with all of their Bratz dolls and GameBoy plus or advantage or whatever the hell it is. so to defuse the situation, i told him to put his toys in the bathtub while i went and go him a piece a candy. This was a big hit for him because he loves candy and i love NOT to give it to him. Unfortunately, all of the soft candy was gone so i had to give him a candycane or a lifesaver. i have enough stains on my carpet from him slobbing the juices from the candycanes so i decided to give him a lifesaver. Now while i was giving it to him, my brain was like "don't". But i was like they give them to him at school so it should be okay. My brain was like "atleast break it up for him." but for some reason, i didn't. When i handed him the candy, my brain was like "stay in the bathroom with him while he eats it" i left out and continued picking up my stuff in the living room. I tell you it was not two minutes later he comes out of the bathroom eyes real big with water coming from them, color slightly changing and he is making this weird noise letting me know that he is choking on that dang ole lifesaver. i grab him up all the while my mind is racing, do i the heimlick or do i do it like he is still an infant...so i first try bringing it up by doing upward compressions on his abdomen/ribcage but every time i do this, blood and some other gook shots out. No candy. i keep asking him to talk to me and he just coughs and grabs at his throat. i try again and still no candy, just blood. I shout to the girls to call 911 and they stay put playing in my son's room. So this time i yell with a tone that says if someone don't move now and fast, it will be hell to pay, and they come a running. All the while, i am flipping the lil one upside down and begin beating on his back. My bloody gook, no candy. I hit again and the same result but this time he shouts out "Mommy" and i know he is okay. the girl who called 911 tells me they are on the phone and gives it to me (she had called them and said nothing to them, no my neighbor's child is choking, nothing. she just breathed in the operator's ear) i told the lady that it was okay, i was calling because my son was choking on some candy and i couldn't get it out but he was fine now. she asked me if i was sure just as i spotted the Deathchoker on the floor. I told here yeah, the candy had came out and hung up the phone. I looked at my son and simply said, "No more candy for you." He said "okay, hug me."

and i did. all the while thinking, never again will i not follow my gut feeling when it comes to him because i can't take much more.

Gots the Giggles

So I have a crush on this handsome individual and don't know what to do besides giggle. How silly and pathetic, a grownhash lady like myself catching the giggles like we back in highschool. But i can't help it and i don't know what to do.

I could text him and be like "hey, you me and bed right now" but besides from the fact that anonymous would kill me and the fact that the text would probably be forwarded to everyone in his phone, it's just not me nor my style. PLUS, i am doing good with the celibacy thing....until i read Zed's or Chubby's or....(yall know who you are)pages. Then i be wanting to run out and invest in a Rabbit or find me a MAN. A real one this time. Luv is not an option, even though he be pressing hard as of late. Peeps always want something after it's gone. He needs to be pressing hard to take care of MY CHILD.


But, i really do like him. (the crush) He is on my mind non-stop as of late. I just don't know what to do partially because i can't read him. I guess what i am really looking for is an ego booster. I want him to be interested in me because i am interested in him...i want him to tell me that he sees the sexiness in me...in the new me. I just don't know how to approach the situation.

I don't want to scare him away cuz we have a really cool relationship right now. But i don't want to be logged into the "just friends" category either. i have to find a middle ground with the situation or i am going to lose out on my chance to advance to the next level or lose a very valuable friend.


i don't like not feeling sure of myself. even though it let's me know that i am alive because before, i didn't feel anything and didn't care. but now i am so self-conscious when he's around, which in turns makes me giggle, which in turn makes me look like a loon.


I don't want to look like a loon...help, please.

Haters trying to bring me down

So since i am sporting the new me....and yeah, i will let yah see a pic soon enough... people trying to bring me down so now Other trying to reach out to me...lol... like i told Shouldabeen, i ain't gots time for her now. I don't....i am finally happy. do you all know how long it's been since i have been happy? me either, cuz i can't even remember the last time i was happy. Happy for me that is. I am generally a happy person, but i ain't happy for myself. i am happy for a friend, family member, neighbor, or even someone i don't know.

But, today, i am happy for me. and that has been a long time coming. and i ain't ready to let that happiness go, not yet.

It seems that Other has had some near death experiences and i wonder if that is why she is trying to reach out to me now. It's funny, because when i almost died, i didn't want noone around really...especially, no fake peeps who hadn't been there for me from jump. Like i told Other when she came up into my hospital room when she thought i was going to die,"why are you here? i don't want you here. you have made my life a living hell, can't i atleast die in peace?" Yeah, many of the nurses who were standing by thought that was cold, but i thought it was colder for someone to fake like they have been there for you when they haven't...faked like they mothered you and cared and loved you when they hadn't...


I just want to be left alone, just like i have been for the past ten years...now that i am finally okay with being the BLACK sheep, here peeps come trying to make me apart of the flock...



Haters move on, you can't still my joy or my thunder!!!

Breaking the Camel's Back

So in with the new and out with the old.....what happens when the new brings out the old you? well if the old you wasn't so nice, you should stop yourself and say, i ain't gots to be this way and proceed differently.



I haven't posted in a minute because something has been riding heavy on my soul and heart. someone i met awhile back when i used to trip out in the "A" is in some serious trouble and all i can do is pray for her. this was my dawg...she was one of them chicks that you knew would ride with you or for you in a good way...someone who had your back and so you most definitely were going to have hers...she was so sweet...but she maybe catching her a murder rap...and i don't know why i am so frustrated?



Is it because the media is spitting lies out about her or is it because it could have easily been me that they were talking about? maybe it's a lil bit of both....the justice system ain't always just and that's just the way it goes.


so i have to tell yall be cool in the 2006, treat peeps the way you want to be treated...cuz you never know when the person you are mistreating is going to have enough and your very action at that very moment may very well be the straw that breaks the camel's back.



find a happy thought, find a happy thought....


so i have to thank you guys for giving me an opportunity to allow me to decide who i want to be without judging me. it feels good to feel alive again. i am loving me...yeah, really loving me. i have started letting people into my circle which is something i haven't done in a really long time, and it feels good. it feels good to know that if i want to trip out, that i can call the Gymmy and be like yo' let me hold you hostage for a minute, come riding with me. Or to call C and be like yo' can you hold down the little one for me because i need a break and they be like cool. the best part is i am not trying to second guess their motives. and i am not as distant or detached from my baby, not as much as i used to be, even with his recent pneumonia, i am trying to take Romantics advice and just live for a change...stop worrying about all the other BS and just live and enjoy what i have. so that is what i did new year's eve, i lived despite being disturbed about my gurl, i lived in the moment and yall know what? a gurl had a blast!