Clarifying Frustrations Pt. 2

So even after this negro has only spent $13.99 give or take for tax, i still loved him and waited for his grown self to show me that he was the man that he proclaimed to whomever would listen that he was. I didn't even focus on his wife because i guess i figured that my fairytale would come true...it would be me and LUV. she would disappear somehow...die of a stroke, heart attack...get beat down by someone for talking out of the side of her neck...didn't matter as long as she vanished




but when she came back and did what she did...THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL THAT I WOULD EVER ALLOW FOR HER TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SON WITHOUT ME and that is real...at least not until he could speak, dial 911 and tell the police that they need to beat me to his location or pick up a bottle and crack it over her head. i know this may sound harsh but, if anyone is going to hurt MY Child you bets to believe it's gonna be me...




so, i have been reading some of my old posts and i have to admit that as honest as i have been i have purposely made it hard for you to make the connections with some things. so i will clarify this up right quick so people will understand that this is not my paranoia speaking or the jealousy in me saying aint no ho gonna play mama to my child...this is me being the protector of my most valuable asset.




remember them gurls...you know my gurls...the ones i rant and rave and hem and haw about...the ones i don't know if i should just walk away from because everyone else have been walking away from them...you know the ones who stepmother tried to burn one's face on the stove while keeping the other away with a butcher knife... yeah the one who used to lock up the soap and other hygiene products from them so they could stink... the gurls who ( and yeah i know its girls) the judge decided it was in their best interest for them to live with their aunt instead of their biological father and stepmother? do you remember? the gurls that i said are going to be the death of my son and make me lose all of my hair...



WELL.....
it seems i forgot to mention a very important fact...them gurls are my son's biological sisters...so yeah their stepmother is also his stepmother. so maybe now you can understand why i have to get some bail money together..ain't nobody gonna do to me what my father did to me and that is verbally, physically, emotionally and mentally abuse me. hell to the naw



i remember one of the very few conversations i had with my Other and she asked me why didn't i like her seeing she had birthed me... my answer: you don't deserve to be a mother. as a mother, you are obligated to protect your young...you failed to do that...even the animals in the wild protect their young be in foe or friend...daddy or next of kin...animals gots better sense than you, therefore, i don't respect you.


I REFUSE TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE!

but the new year is quickly approaching and a new me is blossoming...and i am loving it...see, Luv donated the seed to create a beautiful human being and i will always be grateful and love him for that. but MY SON's life and future is more precious than $13.99. if you want to be the boss or walk around and be proud papa, then you need to pay the cost. and unfortunately, Luv ain't even put down a down payment. it's funny what you can see when the storm has cleared. and maybe MY Son will hate me for my decision that i am going to make, but that is a chance i am willing and gonna have to take



NIGGAH YOU HAVE BEEN DISMISSED NOW DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND POOF BE GONE!

Clarifying Frustrations pt.1

Out with the old, in with the NEW



so here it goes, i am gonna get rid of some more of my OLD baggage by clarifying some things.


The Plan:

the plan was so crystal clear, seemed like we had worked out every detail, went over every possible problem and situation and so there was nothing to do but put the plan in motion. so we humped and humped and humped and humped and even when we were painfully tired, we humped even more.... but still no success. i was at the point of giving up. i had to accept the reality of the situation, we were never going get me pregnant. i guess the twins were a fluke. i had to face the facts after a year and a half of trying, i wasn't going to conceive and maybe it was for the best; no good could come from having a married man's child.... even if he wanted me to have his baby so that he could stroke his EGO and say that he was the one who took my pain away.

he said that i was always so sad around the anniversary of the twins

he said you could see the sadness in my eyes

that it cut you with a knife

and seemed as if it was never going to end

he said that he believed that by giving me a child

he would be giving me the best gift in the world

and he would be easing my pain

and putting an end to my constant sadness

what he didn't understand was

that another life couldn't even began to replace

the life of the two i had so violently fought for

and so painfully lost

what he didn't understand was that the sadness

he sought to stomp out like a burning flame

had been simmering for too long

long before i breathed life into the twins

and that it would forever reside in my eyes

until i looked upon the things that really caused me pain

just when i had given up all hope that i wouldn't feel that warm sensation in my heart, it happened. i remember the day we conceived the little one, it was LUV's birthday and we were fighting like dogs and made up like ones in heat. then like clockwork, i started getting sick. i was in the hospital everyday. i went in at around 6 and left around 11 pm just in time for me to punch in for work. this was my nightly routine. so while i tried to think happy thoughts, i couldn't help but having that deja vu feeling...not this again. but i tried to stay positive and went over the plan with Luv once again in hopes that our baby would make it.

I would have sole custody of our child

his reason: um, he was married

mine: i wanted to control my child's future

I would not take him for child support

his: i am a man, i don't need the system to tell me to take care of mine

mine: i wanted sole custody of my child to ensure he would have a fighting

chance with his future

He would not have LUV's last name

His: um cuz he was married (lol)

mine: because i felt it only right to get the credit for my hard work

He would have a relationship with his father

his: because it was a boy and it was about Ego and he loved his kids

mine: i didn't have one with mine and didn't want my son to hate me when he got

older if i got in the way of him knowing his father

he wouldn't know his siblings

his: he didn't want too many peeps to know

mine: i was against esp. seeing oldest and the next to youngest knew about us

support

his: he would help me out when ever he could

mine: i would do what i had to do to take care of mine and hoped he lived up to

his word if i fell short

the plan in action

so the boy gets here and i have sole custody because no father is placed on my child's birth certificate. so he gets my last name....his father comes to see him once or twice a week...he tells his oldest child about her lil brother and she plots so that two of her siblings find out too. she also calls her aunts and tell them. don't file for child support, continue working to take care of mine... the wife leaves, files for divorce..when she decides to come back, Luv tells her about his new addition..he sees My Son once a month. all siblings know and some have a relationship with me and MY Son...now wants My Son to have his last name to carry on his lineage. since birth has bought him a ten dollar outfit and the 3.99 foam numbers. doesn't see My Son unless i bring him past his job or he over here trying to get my panties (so maybe twice a month). i don't have his numbers, only work, so if My Son gets sick after four, i have no way of getting in touch with him. i am not working, going to school, so struggling doesn't began to sum it up. offered to start bringing MY Son to his barber so they can have a relationship independent of me....sure as long as i pay for it...

i say all of this to say, i know it is important for My Son to have a relationship with his father and have put up with a lot to make sure it happens but sometimes, you have to know when to fold them, when to lay them down and walk away

taking chances

So, things have been going crazy over here for a minute I have to make clarifications about some things but i will do that later and it may seem like i am rambling but it's due to a lack of sleep and the fear that my computer will shut down on me again. the virus is supposed to be gone but i am still having some problems getting on to blogspot... Anyways, so my lil man has been sick. Pneumonia. and if you have been reading you know that he gets really sick in Dec and Jan so i am a lil on edge even though i am trying to take things in stride. AND surprise, surprise, I am sick. I have a hacking cough and i have been feeling very lightheaded at the most inopportune time, like when i am driving. i had to go see a cardiologist the other day because my ticker hasn't been ticking the way it should. i don't know if it is anxiety attacks, heart attacks or just old fashion gas. but something is going on. probably my heart is shutting down from being stomped on for so long. or it could be from the hot fudge sundaes i eat every day....or from the twenty pounds i put on after i changed my BC this summer. ( yeah, that's why a sista looking PHAT to death lately) but whatever it is, it's not good. so, i have to have a lot of tests done to see if my heart valves are okay. and i am really not afraid for myself, i am afraid for my son. noone can do the mama thing for him betta than me!!! even if i don't show him touchy feeling love. other than that, a sista has been walking with more pep in her step......flaunting her sex appeal which has even managed to mesmerize the mentally retarded...(this is not a joke as i am sure anonymous will comment on and verify for the masses, lol.) oh, before i forget, i want to get one of my classmates something special just to say thank you. he has always gone beyond the call of duty when it comes to my son. i sent him some of the best popcorn in the world (cheese-kissed carm.), but that still doesn't seem like enough. he not only took me home from school because my car wouldn't start, but took me to get my son, whom he calls his son, and took us to the hospital and waited the SEVEN HOURS it took for them to tell me he had Pneumonia, again. and then he drove us home and offered to come by the next day and bring food. ( and i should mention, he has a girlfriend so he ain't trying to get the drawls). so give me some suggestions....and seeing i ain't his mama, i ain't giving him no tie and suspenders.

Yippee...i'm virus free

So, I have a lot to catch up on... I missed you guys. But, i think i am finally virus free.
It said i had two Trogans on my computer and not the kind that comes in the tasty flavors.
So a lot has been going on in my life but i will have to catch you up on that later.
However since I will have to spend the next couple of days getting caught up on your lives, I will leave you with a treat.........


A pic of me trying to be grown and sexy at the BabyFace concert.

Maybe one of the hardest things i will have to do....

So seeing that I am really serious about things never going to where they were with LUV, I have to make some changes in my life that i am not sure i am ready for.....



I have to let my son go places with him without me. This is so scary for me because my son is all i have and i am all that he has in a way. Yeah he has my adopted family here, and even though they have him as their beneficiary on some of their policies, he is not their blood and sometimes when the biological grandchildren come around, he gets slighted. i don't think they mean to, but you know how it is. if my son was on the floor hurt and their bio grandchild was lying on the floor hurt, they are going to grab their blood first. and i guess that's the way it is supposed to be.


then there is my bio "Other" and Hitler. Other loves my son to death as long as my sibling kids aren't there. then i have to come and get my child. and Hitler, he ain't too stable and probably won't be as long as he continues to hit that bottle every day.



then there are my girls who loves their brother to death...and might actually cause him some serious harm because of this. there has been countless occasions that i have caught them giving him something he is allergic to, that they know he is allergic to, simply because he said, "please, can i have it." when i ask why would they give him something that they know he can't have, they say, " cuz he looked so sad and sounded so cute...and it was just a little, not a lot."


so like i said, i am all he has that is really looking out for him and his future. now seeing that my child was born into a weird situation, being born with a step-mom is crazy. esp, seeing that she is crazy. she has beaten up all of Luv's kids except for the one she had with him. he has stood by and watched on most occasions saying that he didn't want to get involved because he didn't want to pick sides. so you see my dilemma? if this heafa touches a hair on my child the wrong way, i am going to jail. and i am going to be doing some serious time. which means that before i can let his father take him out on outings, i need to make sure all the paperwork of who i want to get my child if something happens to me is in order.




now, i have expressed to Luv that i don't want him taking MY CHILD around his wife. that's right, my child. i take care of him. i am at the hospital staying up with no sleep watching him....i go without when he needs something.... i am investing for his future and instilling the proper things in his life....so that makes him MY CHILD!!!! but, if i am not around, who's to say. and even if he doesn't, there is still the fact that LUV only aced the "thug" part of my "eduthug" dream guy. which is why when we planned to have MY CHILD that we agreed that I would have sole control over my child's future. now since his wife knows about MY CHILD, he wants to switch the script and i am not having it. BUT, i do know that it is important for him to have a relationship with MY SON just as it is important for us not to have one.




so as i said...this is probably going to be the hardest thing that i will have to do, but, i am going to do it. Just as soon as i get my bail money together...................

Epiphany

"I wanna be loved...something, something something...I wanna be loved....loved by you" these were the words i was crooning in my car while i was shouting back at Eric B "how in the hell do you wanna be loved when you had someone trying to love you and you let your sex addiction get in the way and ruin it?"




and then it started. it started as a single tear and then another and another and then it was like Lake Michigan was trying to escape from my body. i would've had to pull over to get a grip if it wasn't for the intense, piercing stare of the driver next me. i didn't even glance that way, but i could feel their eyes on me, intruding upon the tears that were escaping from my soul. i didn't quite get it; why was i crying? i had heard this song at least 20 times before and it has never had this effect on me. it couldn't have been the discussion i just had with my sister of why i didn't like her boyfriend whom she is probably going to marry. i don't like most of my sisters' boyfriends or husbands.




yeah, it was a given. i wanted to be loved. but i think it was deeper than that for me, it wasn't just that i wanted to be loved, i wanted to love again. not just love where you are sweating and grunting in-between the sheets love, just plain ole' i love yah and gots your back love. i miss that. that was part of the me that died. like i said, after the rape, a lot of things changed for me, and one of them was that i sort of alienated myself from my adopted families. i didn't do it on purpose, it just happened. i stopped calling them and stopped picking up the phone when they called. i stop writing and stopped opening up their mail. it wasn't just them that i targeted, i didn't open any of my mail and to this day i will let my mail pile up for months before i open it, and i stopped answering my phone period. if it wasn't for my kids right now, i still wouldn't answer my phone.



it's weird because those who have seen me interact with my youngest would swear that i love him to death. and that i give him all of the love in the world. but i don't. i despise my child most of the time. i know that's a mean thing to say, but i do. i often wonder why he lived and the others died. i wonder why he likes torturing me. even though i know it's not his fault. he has stopped breathing countless times, and it only happens when i am by myself. he had a seizure once, right after we had gotten off an hour an a half flight. the only thing i could do was thank God that it didn't happen while we were in the air. he has had major illnesses one after the other; yet, he isn't a sickly child. it's something about trying all you can to save your children and in the end have them die that does something to your soul. so, my soul shut down the love department. and so even though i want to LOVE my children, esp. my son, I can't. if you ever look beyond the surface when you watch us interact, you will see that i am very detached from him and from the girls. you will see that i make sure they have whatever they need that i can afford to give them and that's that. the love and the nurturing, they don't get. but to my defense, i have tried to surround them w/ loving people who are capable of giving them the love that they need that i can't give right now.



it's funny because i know peeps will be like i loved Luv. and i did. and i showed him that i loved him by giving him things whether it was my body or material things, which in the end doesn't amount to nothing. i never really gave of myself. when thing were going on in my life that was troublesome, i didn't share it with him; i didn't share it with anyone. and it wasn't because i didn't care or didn't want to share. okay, it could be because i didn't want to share because i don't believe i need to tell anyone everything about me. but it was moreso that i didn't want to be bothered with the concern and the other stuff that is supposed to follow if someone who loves you find out you are in need of something or that everything ain't alright with you. and when i did decide to reach out to someone it turned out that i picked someone who was so self-absorbed in their life that they had the audacity to tell me, someone who has always had their back that "i don't have time for you right now, i have my own problems."





nevertheless, i want to love again, i want to get back to how things were with me and my families before the rape. i want to be attached to my son and my surroundings. i want to love so that i can be loved and stop feeling so dang-on lonely all the time.



( my computer isn't wking so i will update as freq. as i can....and if not, know that when i do return i will have nothing but the Truth to tell yall.)

Transition

Normally around this time i get really depressed because it is the anniversary of the events that led up to my rape and to my pregnancy with twins.

It isn't really the rape that gets to me so much as it is the fact that i began mourning the death of who i used to be. Not to say before the rape I wasn't confused and unhappy and lonely, because I was. However, I wasn't so indecisive and so nonchalant about everything. I had compassion for everyone and tried to see the good in everyone. Now, I am very cold with people I meet. I am mean and skeptical when I was once trusting and nice. I believe everyone has an alterior motive as to why they are trying to befriend me. And sadly to say, most of them do.



Nevertheless, I miss the old me. The me that let everything slide off my back and kept on trucking. The me that had a passion for life. The me that I knew inside and out. Now, I don't know what's going to set me off. What's gonna make me happy or sad. I mean beside E.T. dying.


Anyways, when I had found out that I was pregnant w/ twins I was so elated. Why, well because it's something about being told that you are getting two for the price of one. And then too, it was the fact that the doctors told me that I would never ever be able to conceive naturally and probably wouldn't be successful going the alternative route either. So for me to get pregnant naturally with not one but two babies, I was elated. So elated that I decided to change the way I dressed and looked. I had been doing the tomboy thing for 21 years and was quite content BUT i thought that it was time for me to start looking if not like a lady, like someone's mama at least. I went out and bought some almost gurly clothes. Instead of my 24 waist sporting 34-36 waist jeans, they sported 28. And instead of sporting men shirts or sweat tops, i got some xL girly tees. I tried the makeup but couldn't get the eye thing right....anyways after my babies died i went back to the ghetto fab. tomboy look and have stayed there. that was almost six years ago.



so i guess what i am saying is, now it's time for me to start looking like a girl, even if not a girly girl. as i change the inner me, i figured i should work on the outer me as well. but i don't know where to start, or where to shop. i don't want to totally give up the gym shoes and loose pants but i am starting to feel out of place when i go out w/ my gurls and they dressed like girls and i am dressed like i am about to go to the gym. what's a girl to do.


i will edit later, my computer is on the brink so i just hurriedly typed this on my friend's computer.

I know that heafa didn't

okay so i am back on the scene and i must say that i was proud to know that i could control my addiction to blogging when i really needed too... but it was hard... i found myself coming and drafting blogs and then reading others blogs so i had to just keep the computer unplugged....but now i am back and i will post a short blog...LOL...can you believe it? well it will be short cuz i have just spent abt 6 hours going thru all 700 emails on hotmail and 100 on yahoo...and then there was my posting on my other superficial blog and then there is facebook...what's a gurl to do?


anyways i have a problem. i think Luv's wife has emailed me and i am not sure what i should do... should i open the email or should i just delete it.



why the problem you may ask? because i am not a chickenhead by nature, but if need be, i can go there...so if she is writing all kinds of crazy stuff abt how she came back and got her man, i will have to be the bigger woman and tell her how i sent her man back to her. and about how her man fantasizes about me when he is doing her...and about how he walks to pay phones to call me long after his seed is asleep to talk to me...and how if i still let him, he would be puttin in work over her until the end of time. about how if i was just a fling it wouldn't have lasted four years and about how he loved what we were doing so much that we captured it on film...stills and motion... but that's the spit-fire person in me



the other me says delete that crap and keep it moving...you about to be doing bigger and better things and this heafa gonna be here sending emails to the next broad while you chilling in the Hamptons...burn her up by not reading her trash and by not responding.


so what do you think? should i open it?