Epiphany

"I wanna be loved...something, something something...I wanna be loved....loved by you" these were the words i was crooning in my car while i was shouting back at Eric B "how in the hell do you wanna be loved when you had someone trying to love you and you let your sex addiction get in the way and ruin it?"




and then it started. it started as a single tear and then another and another and then it was like Lake Michigan was trying to escape from my body. i would've had to pull over to get a grip if it wasn't for the intense, piercing stare of the driver next me. i didn't even glance that way, but i could feel their eyes on me, intruding upon the tears that were escaping from my soul. i didn't quite get it; why was i crying? i had heard this song at least 20 times before and it has never had this effect on me. it couldn't have been the discussion i just had with my sister of why i didn't like her boyfriend whom she is probably going to marry. i don't like most of my sisters' boyfriends or husbands.




yeah, it was a given. i wanted to be loved. but i think it was deeper than that for me, it wasn't just that i wanted to be loved, i wanted to love again. not just love where you are sweating and grunting in-between the sheets love, just plain ole' i love yah and gots your back love. i miss that. that was part of the me that died. like i said, after the rape, a lot of things changed for me, and one of them was that i sort of alienated myself from my adopted families. i didn't do it on purpose, it just happened. i stopped calling them and stopped picking up the phone when they called. i stop writing and stopped opening up their mail. it wasn't just them that i targeted, i didn't open any of my mail and to this day i will let my mail pile up for months before i open it, and i stopped answering my phone period. if it wasn't for my kids right now, i still wouldn't answer my phone.



it's weird because those who have seen me interact with my youngest would swear that i love him to death. and that i give him all of the love in the world. but i don't. i despise my child most of the time. i know that's a mean thing to say, but i do. i often wonder why he lived and the others died. i wonder why he likes torturing me. even though i know it's not his fault. he has stopped breathing countless times, and it only happens when i am by myself. he had a seizure once, right after we had gotten off an hour an a half flight. the only thing i could do was thank God that it didn't happen while we were in the air. he has had major illnesses one after the other; yet, he isn't a sickly child. it's something about trying all you can to save your children and in the end have them die that does something to your soul. so, my soul shut down the love department. and so even though i want to LOVE my children, esp. my son, I can't. if you ever look beyond the surface when you watch us interact, you will see that i am very detached from him and from the girls. you will see that i make sure they have whatever they need that i can afford to give them and that's that. the love and the nurturing, they don't get. but to my defense, i have tried to surround them w/ loving people who are capable of giving them the love that they need that i can't give right now.



it's funny because i know peeps will be like i loved Luv. and i did. and i showed him that i loved him by giving him things whether it was my body or material things, which in the end doesn't amount to nothing. i never really gave of myself. when thing were going on in my life that was troublesome, i didn't share it with him; i didn't share it with anyone. and it wasn't because i didn't care or didn't want to share. okay, it could be because i didn't want to share because i don't believe i need to tell anyone everything about me. but it was moreso that i didn't want to be bothered with the concern and the other stuff that is supposed to follow if someone who loves you find out you are in need of something or that everything ain't alright with you. and when i did decide to reach out to someone it turned out that i picked someone who was so self-absorbed in their life that they had the audacity to tell me, someone who has always had their back that "i don't have time for you right now, i have my own problems."





nevertheless, i want to love again, i want to get back to how things were with me and my families before the rape. i want to be attached to my son and my surroundings. i want to love so that i can be loved and stop feeling so dang-on lonely all the time.



( my computer isn't wking so i will update as freq. as i can....and if not, know that when i do return i will have nothing but the Truth to tell yall.)