Why is it so hard

When do you know that someone is beyond saving and that you need to give up and save yourself?



i worked at a hospital and i will never forget the first time i saw someone die due to violence. which is kinda funny because all the violence i grew up around, i never saw anyone die from it. anyways it was this 16yr old dude who just so happened to be the son of a po-po. he was walking his girlfriend home when some dudes came up and started disrespecting her. they shot him when he told them to roll on and leave them alone. i will never forget how the doctors worked franticly ( i think that is my new word,lol) to save his life. and long after he had flatlined, one of the docs was still trying to bring this kid back. me being the emotional wreck that i am, was in the corner just a crying and finally someone had to literally yank this doctor off the kid and tell him that it was over, he could not be saved. and that if he didn't get it together he would be a very sad and lost doctor.


i guess in this instant, when the heart stops, you know that it's nothing you can do, but what if the heart is still beating?



I am wondering if my girls that i have adopted in my heart as my own if they have flatlined and i just refuse to see it or for whatever reason cannot accept it. i have exhausted all of my mental, physically and psychologial resources when dealing with them. they were born addicted to drugs and i am not sure that is the sole reason that they need to be placed on the first available short bus. they have lived a life of drama where noone wanted them. their mama had them to try and keep their daddy, and when she figured that wasn't going to work, she decided she didn't want anything to do with my girls and left them in the hospital. the peeps that have taken care of them since have used and abused them in many different ways. and i have been doing my best to try an undo all of the damage that has been done to them. but they don't seem to be responding. they like living on the streets. they like watching the news and knowing who was gunned down or worse who did the gunning. they like the fact that their teacher has told them all they can hope for is to get a decent job some where because they ain't smart enough to do much else. it's like i am fighting a losing battle and maybe someone needs to come yank me away from them..




but i don't want to be like everyone else and just abandon them and give up on them. i know what it's like to feel like a motherless, fatherless child.