Feeling good and Standing Tall

It could've just been in my head, but i do believe I stood a lil more erect today, not that i am a sloucher. But i do believe that i was more aware of my surroundings and who in my surroundings were aware of me... something about this honesty and facing yourself that does something to your soul and self-esteem.

so them dang glasses are gone, gonna get me some more. and you bets believe i will try them on for size before i decide to keep them, i ain't settling just for any ole thing, not now, not today. a sista is a professional now so she gots to have that TAILORED look. so if it doesn't fit me and my new personality and attitude, it ain't for me.

what to pick, what to pick from that pile? don't know, still kinda scared, a sister gots a lot of skeletons, ghosts, boogeymans, and some more weird stuff hiding in her clothes that she may not be ready to acknowledge.

i close my eyes and reach into my pile and pull out..................................................................


my hat. I know many are probably disappointed and like what she doing throwing her hat into the pile, its only fault should be it kept her head too warm or something. well that it did among other things. see i was Ms. Prissy when it came to my hair. I wasn't wearing just any ole hat on my head so that it could smush my do'. hell to the naw...not here. I had one of them scarf hats, the one that sat delicately on your head, covered your ears, and the ends wrapped gently around your neck, not allowing wind to enter or your warm air to escape. herein is where the problem lay.

my hat didn't allow for circulation. it didn't allow for fresh air to sweep in and force the stale stagnant air out. it didn't allow for words and phrases to enter into one ear and out the other. it allowed for everything that i have experienced up until now to stay with me and weigh heavily upon my shoulders.

i remember everything like it had taken place yesterday:

i remember my mother crying because my father hadn't been home in a couple of days. i remember asking where he was and she looked at me and said, "where dogs lay, with their hoes." i remember wondering what a hoe was? i remember my father coming home trying to get through the front door but couldn't because my mother had pulled the chain. I remember my mother shouting at him," go back to where you came from." i remember my mother getting a piece of paper scribble something and slide it under the door. i remember wondering what it was that she felt compelled to write. i remember him coming back two days later trying to get in again and my mother still not having it. i remember telling my mother he was going around back. i remember looking at him climb the back stairs, unnoticed by him. i remember him taking his fist and smashing it through the glass in our back door and reaching his hand in to unlock the door. i remember feeling scared, confused, and excited all at once. i remember hearing the latch come off the front door as my mother tried to make her get away. i remember running after her in my yellow footed pjs with the holes on the bottom so that they were only partially footed. i remember falling trying to run after my mother. i remember the fist fight that took place. i remember my father staying and my mother taking me with her in his car the next day. when we got in the car, on floor of the back seat was a balled up piece of paper. i remember thinking, could that be the paper that she slid under the door, i remember looking to see if my mother would notice as i put the paper in my pocket. i remember riding down familiar streets to an unfamiliar place. i remember my mother saying, "that's where that hoe lives, he thinks i don't know, but that's where she lives." i remember wondering what was going on. i remember my mother getting out of the car and standing, staring at a huge apartment complex. i remember thinking this was my chance. i remember taking the balled up paper out and reading it and it said:

Go back to where you came from

go back to the hoe you been lying up with

i hate youi hate you i hate you

go back to where you've been gone for two days

i balled the paper up and threw it back on the floor whence i got it. i remember feeling angry, confused, and sad all at the same time. my mother got back in the car and we went home. the next day when i got in the car, the balled up paper was gone. i was five.

to be continued.......