what ima missing

the rides on the shoulder
the votes of confidence
the endless tickles
and warm embraces
the feeling of being safe
the knowledge that you are strong
and will protect me
what i am missing
is a father's touch


so, i am thinking once again about how messed up my life is... i have to think about it because i don't want history to repeat itself... i don't want to be the same tyrant, abusive person my father was...and i used father lightly seeing how i called him my "sperm donor" when i was growing up and seeing how we used to shout, "hail Hitler" and do the salute when he walked passed us.

not saying that discipline is wrong....cuz the Bible says, spare the rod, spoil the child...and children need to be punished and given boundaries and guidelines...and sometimes they need their bottoms spanked if the talking ain't working...but beating a child senseless or using an extention cord or even all the verbal abuse...it ain't necessary

i don't want to be my mother...whatever that means....she left us to fend for ourselves...she stood by and watched her husband destroy our spirits...or at least try in my case...but he did accomplish this w/ two out of the four...50% ain't bad.. she did show us the world and let us know that everyone did not live like us...or like the peeps on our block...or even like the peeps in our state...she made sure we stayed busy for the most part so we didn't get caught up in the street madness...and for that, i am greatful

but there is a lot in my past i wish i could undo...because in the heat of the moment you are going to resort back to what you know whether you agree with it or not... i don't want my kids to tell me that they don't love me...or just show by me by their actions that they don't love me... i don't want to be there where my mother is, competing w/ people who have stepped up to the plate and nurtured me...

i guess i put a lot of blame on my father because he was so mean to us and to our mother...he disrespected her, so he taught my brothers that it was okay to do the same. and he taught me and my sister that it was okay to let a man disrespect you because he was stronger...but what it did for me is make me fear and despise men. there was a time that i wouldn't let a male who was not related to me w/i 4 feet of my person...and if they tried to hug me or show me any type of affection, they got that "if you step any closer you will get the beat down of your life, look" then the rape didn't make it any better...but i think i am sorta at good place...at a turning point

i am ready yall, i just need to stay focused and i know i will be able to break the chains of a vicious cycle