It feels good...yeah...it feels good...uh uh baby...

it felt really good to be opening up to someone... i have been so overloaded with my thoughts since Luv's departure that i don't know what to do...he liked all of my peeps except PC cuz she straight played him big time...she hurt his feelings and i allowed it becuz i guess what she was speaking i was feeling sorta too.

CB's mama always used to tell me "if you like steak, don't get with a man that can only give you hotdogs!" I used to think that was so mean...that money didn't mean everything ...and if u love someone and all he could get u was hotdogs so be it...LMBO...but now that the reality bug has biten me about a gazillion times...i know it does matter...cuz i am sick and tired of this struggling game....and it's funny becuz i have not attracted a man yet with some money...that's on the real...the richest of them all has been Shortbus, my clothes would stay dirty if it wasn't for him keeping me supplied with quarters.

i have a huge decision to make...once again i say i have a huge decision to make...though i welcome feedback, comments, suggestions, this still has to be all me cuz i am the one who has to live with it later on.

i have to decide what to do about Dirty and Midget D... twins like i didn't do no work... i worked hard..hmmph.. anyways, i am thinking about cutting all ties...no not cutting him...lol, not that i would totally b opposed to that, but i am thinking about just letting Midget D look for Dirty when they 18. it would just be better for everything i am trying to accomplish.. if i die, not that i am planning on doing that anytime soon, but it would make a better case w/ the judge that someone besides Dirty get Midget if all ties were severed....plus, I have realized that i still have feelings for him too. and that complicates things...becuz i am about positive movement now.. i want say forward becuz sometimes u have to go back before you can go forward... so this is weighing on my heart

also the Lost Souls are on my mind...i think i need to cut them off too...i'm just not sure...so many people have cut them out of their lives and manipulated them and used them and lied to them and abused them...that i don't want to add my name to the list..and right now, i am not sure how to deal with them from an arm's length..

i think i am going to write Luv a letter explaining that we can't be friends...why...because we have too much history...wouldn't that be a killer. lol... but seriously i don't think enough time has passed on either of our parts becuz he is back to asking if he can hit...and if i wasn't serious about getting m;y life together i would be saying hell to the yeah everytime...r u feeling me... this time he would definitely have to be strapped becuz i ain't trying to catch nothing...i was in love with that man...don't know why...and probably becuz the sex was Hot...the first time i actually enjoyed it.. the other times (talking about w/ the other peeps) i was so uncomfortable with my own body and wasn't really interested in the peeps that i was dealing with that i was watching the clock to time them to see how long it took them to perform...i was a live trip cuz if they sweated to much they had to stop...

its a lot of things i need to put in perspective...get together so this dark cloud can leave from over my head...so why i am in a giving mood, u might want to ask them questions u have always wanted to know the answers to...and i promise that my answer won't b "yes, no, maybe so, nine months later i guess we'll all find out."

i am hurt Trina doesn't have time for me when i have always had time for them except for that time when they were getting too Trickdaddiest for me so i told them...i can't handle this, call me when u are done with this phase in your life....things like this are probably why i don't even bother to tell people what's going on with me...cuz it takes a lot to admit that you need help or that u don't have it all together and when u do get enough nerve to let your guard down u r told they don't have time....well that's some reality for your behind.
needless to say...they are on the love from a distance list.
oh after i send my P.I.C. a letter trying to squash what ever's up w/ us, if it doesn't work...i am done....not saying that if i see her i still won't give her much luv cuz that wouldn't be real...jsut that i am not going to be running behind her or n e one trying to make it work and they ain't putting up no effort...its worker smarter not harder...except i am going to keep worrying Thumper until he at least lets me apologize.