Sum Tymes I wanna Cry........

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

At Last

Hey You,

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I have missed you and your quirky ways. I looked for you for a long time...people told me to give up, to cut my loses and move on. But something wouldn't let me, let you go. I knew in the pit of my soul that you were still alive. You had to be. We don't die we multiply! It's something about how you were designed. Something about your drive that I knew that even if you crumbled that you wouldn't just break down and die...that you would find a way, find the will, find whatever it would take to get back up, sort the pieces and get it moving again. And well, it has been some years now. Actually a decade....

But who's counting? (smile) I am just so happy to see you, and to see you smiling. It's been a long journey for us and we still have a lot of work to do, but it shall be done. We have a lot of catching up to do. I mean I went from always wanting to cry to luving myself, and looked who turned up...YOU. Oh, how I have been missing you. Seems like you weren't lost after all. I had just hid you away for a brighter day. I am so sorry I did that to you Heart. I am so sorry I deprived you of love.

I promise I will never hide you away again, come what may. We are in this together. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

Here lies many tears from frustration, disappointment, and despair. There was a time when I could not, would not cry even though my soul was crying out and needed to spill. I am finally happy to say AT LAST I have gotten to a place where I can deal with the atrocities that have fallen upon me and leave them where they stand and continue on the path of loving me.

I still feel like Sum Tymes I Wanna Cry, but those days are few and far between. Now I am focusing on Luv Me and so if you looking for me, this is where I will be:

It's been real and always, I tell the Truthz and nothing but the Truthz even when it hurts.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Purging of my soul

I wish I had taken the time to get to now you so that I could've really been your friend. Most of the time I felt like I was on the outside looking in.
I thought you labeled me becasue you wanted to save face.
I thought you were decided to waste time until she came back to take her place.
I thought it was just a game for you which is why many did not know my name.
So, in turn, I kept my feelings hidden
and quietly patched my bleeding heart.

It seemed as if I wasn't important
because you always had your mumber one fan.
It seemed everyone wanted your time and I could never win
So I picked fights to help you choose to vacate from my life

Truth is.....
I felt safer than I had felt in a long time
And I felt beautiful and I felt like I could do no wrong in bed
And I am mad I let it slip away
Mad you could not stay

I wanted you to confide in me and let me share
in the pains, joys, and happiness
I wanted you to tell me that I wasn't the rebound
or the place holder chick
I wanted to know that if you were knee deep
that you would not abandon me until you were through
I wanted to know, I had you

I have since mused, the problem lies within

I was always doubting, counting and speculating
I was so busy watching
that I wasn't participating
I let others get in my head
and well shortly after, the worldwind love affair was dead

I won't lie and say you were the perfect guy
you hurt me
you turned your back on me when I needed a friend
but, I had not been that good of a friend myself

Truth is...
I want you to be in my life until it ends
So, I was wondering if we could start over as friends

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Monday, August 10, 2009

i hate u, but i love you

it doesn't make sense
the back and forth
seems nobody ever gonna win
the pain seems like it subsides
like the tides hitting the shore, but
something always stirs it back up again

simply put, i must walk away
i can't be Lot's wife
and long for the things that have to end
time and space
or space and time
it doesn't seem to make a difference
my heart beats the fastest for you

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Ain't it funny

so i am a lil bit disturbed..why is it every time MY CHILD has something that you can't come but yet you claim him as family... but if one of the other kids have something, you rearrange your life to make sure you are there...matter fact, you have a fit if you aren't told about it.

so why the pretense upset when you weren't told about his graduation??? i mean if you could have taken off for that, why not his graduation party? people that do things for show and pretense really get under my skin. i am not sure what to do about you just yet. MY CHILD loves you and misses you BUT I WILL NOT stand by and let you mistreat him emotionally, physically, or mentally.

maybe i am being too harsh, but it's just weird that you still run after the others when they not trying to give you the time of day and still treat mine as less than and he dotes all over you...

may divine intervention intervene cuz i am about to expolode

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Green Eyed Devil

yeah, jealousy is a motha... it just creeps up on you....makes you start second guessing and third and fourth guessing yourself. makes you creep creep creep past windows and wait in bushes in vain.. it makes you hate your sisters and kill your brothers.

it will have your head spinning if you don't nip it in the bud, having you reading in between the in between of the lines.

so just because you stopped believing in true love, one's supposed to believe you still were capable of loving after that... how is that? cuz if you don't believe in true love it just means that you out there half giving and half loving which basically boils down to you out there playing games with people's hearts

why am i here and you were holding another one near probably seconds even hours, okay maybe days before...cuz i'm a glutton for pain and misery, what about you

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i don't need a betta man

i need you to understand that you are magnificent just the way you are.
you have taught me so much about myself and about life.
you made me want to be a better woman, and today here i stand
changed, evolved, refreshed, and most definitely blessed
season, reason, lifetime
it's a shame we can't pick which one each individual gets to be
but i guess then it wouldn't be a lesson learned before dying
chunky monkey, jelly roll, man boobs.....
i still love you.
not like i used to love you cuz way back then, i didn't love myself
now, it's like a rebirth...
giggles and points and obvious stares that used to shake my foundation and rupture my core,
yeah, they very seldom get attention or power over my life these days

yeah, i don't need a better man
i need to continue growing, evolving, refreshing, and accepting
but, if you don't think you are the best then, you need to double up on those pills
and get down on them knees and pray that God open up those windows to your soul
so the reflection of what i see becomes so manifested in you that it'll never escape your reality
cuz u like superman
but instead of me being your lois lane, i'm your kryptonite

don't be mad, what's done is done
plus anger is really a useless emotion unless you use the rage to fuel change
and if you are not going to change the underlying cause for your disdain,
then what's the point of becoming enraged?

i'm the michael jackson of women, i just want to be a kid again
but i'ma grown woman and at the end of the day,
i wanna be alive to witness my comeback

i may be black, and i may be poor and i may be ugly but i am here....classic old me
i am beautiful and you are worthy, somethings are worth waiting for, patience... new me

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The freedom of acceptance

boy am i cheesing today... i am free yall. i am so free. free of blame and guilt.. free of childhood ghosts...just free

i have learned the power of accepting. i mean i know the serenity prayer but i mean who really understands how freeing it can be to really just let it go...the fear, the anxiety, the hate, and the hurt..

i mean for some reason i had been holding on to all of this crap like it was a badge of courage. but it was more like a weight and today i feel lighter than the 156 pounds i am actually toting... boy am i sexy.. believe that.

so i have been working on me for some time now but there were still some things i had been sidestepping...well today i took one giganormous (oh yes i did) leap forward, and sadly backslide a little. but i am here to speak on my accomplishments

today i had a convo with Luv and well afterwards i felt so much lighter. i was able to look him in the eye and tell him how felt, how i had been feeling. how ashamed i was of some of my actions and how hurt i had been., how rejected i felt when i read his post .....and how okay i am now. yeah how okay i am with knowing that he doesn''st love me the way that i love him and that's okay because there is nothing wrong with me cuz like i said, i'm sexy.

i was able to tell him that it was hard for me to ACCEPT that he was the one for me but i wasn't the one for him, BUT that I have and that i did and that i was okay with it. ( i was able to tell him this, looked him straight in the face...didn't drop my eyes and didn't let my voice quake...i didn't get nervous and laugh it off like i was joking... i just spoke from the heart and said what i needed to say) yeah LuV got a lil uncomfortable becuz he's like me, doesn't like dealing with feelings..

feelings are scary but guess what, we all have them.

so i have accepted that i don't deal with feelings or express them like most but that's something i am working on but may never change. i have accepted that it's is no fault of my own that i have a disconnect when it comes to emotional ties.

i have accepted that the bond or pull between us is stronger than me and that only God can help me resist AND i am okay with knowing that i was wide open and chickenheadish because luv makes things happen

i have accepted that Dirty probably will never man up and take care of my child and that i may never find anyone to love me the way that i loved Luv but that i am going to be okay and that My Child is going to be okay.

i have accepted ME!!!!! and it sure feels good to be free... watchoutdernow

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

some realities

i wonder why it is so hard to accept the truth?
to accept that you gave it your all and well, your all simply was not good enough.
i wonder why it is so hard to just come right out and say, "yeah, i played you" and keep it moving
i mean at the end of the day it is what it is

it has taken me some time to come to terms with some things and it has been very very frustrating...and no, i ain't better for going through it... it darn near broke my spirit... it nearly cost me my sanity... it made me want to lose my life... it shook my foundation
but i am here..i'se a still climbing and a still moving forward

sometimes i reflect on my life and laugh...and other times i cry..i guess it depends on if it's a half full or half empty kinda day.

for as long as i can remember, i have been searching for that 'aha' to make my motherless fatherless childhood, heck life make sense for other people and a week or so ago i got it and i am going to leave you with it

'when a parent suffers from mental illness, it's very unlikely that their children will develop proper emotional connects with people or be able to carry on successful relationships that requires them to be emotionally attached because the person (people) who were supposed to teach them nurture, emotion, affection, etc...was not able to effectively do so.'

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I do believe that when i last blogged that i was doing a mini-series of some sort...well i will get back to it when time permits...

see that's the devil's way, to let them climb up and then beat them when they almost to the top.

so needless to say things have gotten a little rough over here. MY CHILD has been in and out and back in the hospital..and well that just drains me

i gots some things going on with my health that i need to check out but i had no insurance and it was like why bother..

things were getting pretty shaky in the money department... cuz when i shook the bank, nothing clinged back

"it's funny when it rains it pours...they got money for wars but can't feed the poor" yeah it was pouring down over here and i didn't have a poncho, umbrella, plastic bag or any newspaper, it just rained and rained on my head

but as always, the sun will and did come out

well, i am waiting to see if this medication is going to work on my child i will blog a lil about what's going on in my world

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coming full circle.... it seems as if that's what's going on in my life right about now...things are coming full circle.

it just clicked the other day as i was driving around this damned city's SouthEast side that i am a Southeast Baby. i hail from Berry Farms.. ironic ain't it...well not hail but i did spend some of my earliest years there...but not when it was the eyesore that it is today...

it's funny becuz for years i have been searching for the home where my brother was born and where i spent my early childhood years and for some reason the other day it clicked and everything sort of made sense

well as much sense as nonesense can make

i am stuck in this place that started the craziness that ruined my entire's family's chance at having a true loving and functional family.

Hitler lost it here...this is where he was changed from the fun-loving mystical creature i often hear stories about..they may as well be fables cuz you can't pay me to believe they are true... to the strong fisted iron clad dictator he was throughout my life.

and this is where i also lost myself...lost my lust for living and for giving...lost a chance on really giving love a shot... almost lost my life

i may be my father's daughter but i refuse to be his twin... i refuse to let this godforsaken place forever change me...

i will not let this black hole i have climbed out of suck me back in...i will rise

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