when things fall apart

so my gurl Nikki started it off w/her ghetto post (don't know how to add a link to text yet) and then i started talking to one of my nieces and she got me to thinking, classism really sucks esp. when you from the ghetto.



so she about to turn 15 and has already had over 13 partners, smokes weed w/ her parents, has only been to school um...20 times this semester and thinks that doing hair is going to get her by enough so that she will survive until she die. she also has the responsibility of looking after her 12 brothers and sisters...yes, twelve...(and that's from my sista, all by the same dude, he has five others kids outside of his 12 w/ my sister) and she is having problems w/ her 13 yr old sister whom their mother has allowed to live w/ her 24 yr old boyfriend. (i wish i was lying, or exaggerating or playing an april fool's day joke) so the questions that immediately comes to my mind are:


why/how do you find it comfortable enough to get high with your child?
what does a 24 yr old have in common with a 13yr old? becuz i don't think there's that much maturity in the world. and age is much more than a number when one of the numbers makes them jailbait.
can the cycle really be broken when you have no help? i say this becuz my sis moved out when she was 13 to live w/ her boyfriend whom she eventually married who was 26 at the time. she used to get high all of the time with him. she dropped out of school at 15 and so did most of her friends. my niece the one that i spoke about in the beginning, she doesn't agree w/ how her parents allow them to do what they want. she likes getting high but she doesn't like that fact that they allow her lil sis to stay out all hours of the night and live with a man almost twice her age. but she feels that there is nothin she can do because that is what everyone is doing in her neighborhood. letting their kids get high, sell drugs, have sex, steal cars, do whatever their little hearts desire. she just wants to move out to a place up the street, still in the hood.







then i think abt my ex's niece who is like my niece who is abt to turn 15 the day after xmas who is in the top 5% of her class, has never been high, never had sex and her biggest responsibility is taking care of her 5 yr old sister when her mama can not get a babysitter. my niece has lived in a middle class neighborhood all of her life. she has a savings account where she puts all of her allowance and the money from her summer jobs. she wts to save up to buy her some fancy car that she can spot when she goes to college. she wants to live in some posh neighborhood in Maryland. all of her friends are school and goal-oriented. out of the 18 girls in her class, only 2 have had sex. her mom and dad aren't married but they live together. even though her father gets high, she doesn't know it and has never seen him high.




so what's the difference? both girls are abt to be 15 but they have lived two different lives which has impacted them in two totally different ways. one niece never, ever considered college as an option and the other never, ever considered college not to be an option. and in my opinion, they both have the potential to achieve whatever it is that they want to, the only thing is, CLASSISM is holding one of them back, and that really sucks in my opinion.

Finally over

so i am writing this the day before i will post it because i will not be able to write and post on Tuesday... i have some tests i need to study for so i am going to be ghost for a second...and with all of the excitement going on in my life, i am sure that what i want to talk about tomorrow will not be as pressing as some of the other stuff.

anyways, just when i was going to post a pic so yall can see the face behind the emotional rollercoaster, something happened and i am like nah... see even though i am in professional school, they let in a lot of immature dickheads and i would hate to have to hurt someone over my written words. but if yall want to see me, i can tell yah where u can go to get a glimpse of me. (naw, it won't be no, freaky site even though Luv did say he put our video out there this summer when we were beefing hard.)


so i am going to have sex for the very last time while i am single. hopefully i won't be single as long as it sounds like it will be. i get so attached when i have sex w/ someone and even though i try and act like i am cool about it, i am not. i am very old school. so it's funny because it is like a planned affair. u know, we know what positions we want to do and where we want to do it and all of that. it's sounds funny as i am typing this, like no you didn't just plan your last bootay call but you planned how and where you are going to do it. and yeah, we planned how many times we are going to do it too. we have a limited amount of time that we are working with.




so i know i said that there wasn't going to be a third time but i have an addiction. i am addicted to Luv and his sex. but in my heart i know it's time for me to move on for good. it's like that new heather h? song that says "in my mind i'll always be his lady. in my mind, i'll always be his girl. i think he's been through something and he's afraid to let go...." so he understands that we have to let this confusion go. it's weird because when he first went back to his wife he acted like i didn't even exist and that i didn't matter and that hurt. and i guess i acted in ways that made him hurt too. if we had stayed together, this week would have been our five year anniversary. that's a long time of being w/ someone else's man.




but i have always felt bad about our situation and i thought that Luv did too, but now i can see with the help of Dirty that my problem with something will not necessarily be a problem for the others who are involved...and when he told me this, things got much clearer for me....and the fact of the matter is that now that things are clearer, i understand that my problem with mine and Luv's situation is not Luv's. not saying that he can have it either way, just saying that he wants me but he doesn't want to be the one that leaves. either way...he doesn't want to be the one to leave his wife and he doesn't want to be the one to leave me. but it's all good because i don't care any more that if i leave that he won't be there any more. i gots to get back to being me. and the me i used to know wouldn't have gotten involved or if she some how got caught up, she would've walked away a long time ago and just took her losses.



it's funny how we have to bump our heads a gazillion times before we learn the lesson we are supposed to learn. this knot on my head ain't very attractive, so i am glad that my heart has finally lined up with my mind.


and to the people who think they gonna keep pressin' me...keep trying me and yall will really be going through a difficult time...



but i would like to know do you think people can change their ways for real?

the man i want

so i have to continue talking about how lonely i am. i mean it's a sickening feeling. you know, being in a room full of people but feeling like there is no one there for you. just feeling like everyone is talking around you and not to you. but the thing is, no one knows how lonely i am.
peeps feel that since i have kids my life should be so complete. and since i have my five best friends and my five ride or die true friends that i should feel complete. and maybe they are right, but the fact of the matter is, i don't.



i want a companion and not just a hump buddy. i want someone that i can change with and grow old together with. i want to come home and know someone is in there waiting for me, and not because they can't reach the snacks i have hidden on top of the refrigerator . i want someone i can share my innermost secrets and thoughts with (besides you guys). i want someone to cuddle with or spoon, which ever. i want someone that i can get all dressed up for and all giddy over. i want someone to make love to me every night of the week and even if i am on, and not just when they can get away or when it's convenient for them. i want someone to listen to me and actually care what i am saying. i want someone to love me so much that they wouldn't mind crying with me(not while i am watching E.T. or the Lion King) i want a man that can put the smack down (no not on me), i want a man, a man of my own and i want a family.



i have never been good with just hitting it and quitting it. just like i have never been one to just hang out all night. i love family, just not the one i was given. but seriously, i love the closeness and the love family is supposed to represent. and i want a man that i can cater to. is that so wrong? i mean my kids will grow and leave, then what? and even though i had a blast when i took my son to the islands, believe me when i say i don't want all of my trips to exotic places to be with my kids.




i miss the cold, maybe this is what this is really about; my separation from the cold..

when the suga really ain't sweet

so i just finished watching Brown Sugar and I am crying my eyes out. I don't know how i am going to survive watching Rent this Wednesday. I will have to take the mega roll of Charmin with me. Yeah, i am a crier. I cry every time i watch E.T. and at the same parts... i be up in this piece talking about, "don't die E.T., don't die!" but i was feeling lonely before i watched Brown Sugar, which i don't think did that well at the box office because it was released after my all-time favorite Love and Basketball... anyways back to what i was saying, i was feeling lonely and now i am feeling even lonelier. movies suck! i thought they were supposed to be based on some form of reality. but if that was the case, i would be married to my childhood love by now... i have a friend that i love to death and he will always have my heart. in highschool peeps used to joke that we would get married cuz we always fought. but we didn't. yet he knows that i love him and that would never change, even when i get married. (gotta keep hope alive) i remember how i called him right after i was raped. i called him at 3 something in the morning and was like, "yo, can you meet me under the clock at the main library?" he was like," what's this about?" and i couldn't tell him because i didn't want him to be disappointed in me. weird, huh? i mean i had been making a lot of poor choices right before then, like sleeping with a homeless man. But to my defense he didn't look or smell homeless when i met him. and the fact that he was hung like an elephant's trunk made up for the fact that he lived in an abandon building. oh, memories, how many of us have them? but anyways back to my Boo, i couldn't tell him so he didn't meet me, but when i did tell him, he was so loving. he was like,"why didn't you tell me this morning, i mean you had already woken me up, you know i would've been there if you told me this was what was going on." and he would have. just like he called me everyday for like the next month a billion times more than he usually did to make sure i was feeling Safe. because the fact of the matter is, we can be in the most secure neighborhood in the world and if we don't feel safe, it's like we are in the worse neighborhood in the world. but i say all of this to say that if Brown Sugar was real i would be marrying this fool or some rich fool, but i am not. i am just sitting here wondering at what age should i just give the marrying dream up?



then there is this thing that i had been pondering that Brown Sugar sort of gloss over. can people from two different worlds ever live happily ever after? i mean, i am getting ready to get Paid if all things work out like they should, so does this mean that i have to stop trying to get with my Eduthug? you know a thug who is educated? all i ask for is that you have a diploma and some type of skill that you are getting paid for. Stripping does not count. I mean i love me some Luv but we aren't really anything alike. He lived that street life. me, i lived it but didn't live it. i had the protection of several gangs but i didn't gang-bang. but i had heart and would put someone down for messing with someone i loved, BUT i knew that i would never have to, because i was protected and wasn't allowed to get my hands dirty. i had to get real ignorant to get the greenlight to pull the trigger on my cousin's baby daddy. Luv, he was the one toting and protecting others like me, protecting ones they didn't want getting dirt on their hands. i live for investing. Luv thought investing meant buying lotto tickets every friday. so i am just wondering, would it have worked? would it have been possible for us to find a world (outside of the bedroom) between the street life glam and professional life i am courting right now?



or am i to leave my dream of marrying a regular blue-collar worker for the big screen and start looking for a Luv among my ranks?

Why is it so hard

When do you know that someone is beyond saving and that you need to give up and save yourself?



i worked at a hospital and i will never forget the first time i saw someone die due to violence. which is kinda funny because all the violence i grew up around, i never saw anyone die from it. anyways it was this 16yr old dude who just so happened to be the son of a po-po. he was walking his girlfriend home when some dudes came up and started disrespecting her. they shot him when he told them to roll on and leave them alone. i will never forget how the doctors worked franticly ( i think that is my new word,lol) to save his life. and long after he had flatlined, one of the docs was still trying to bring this kid back. me being the emotional wreck that i am, was in the corner just a crying and finally someone had to literally yank this doctor off the kid and tell him that it was over, he could not be saved. and that if he didn't get it together he would be a very sad and lost doctor.


i guess in this instant, when the heart stops, you know that it's nothing you can do, but what if the heart is still beating?



I am wondering if my girls that i have adopted in my heart as my own if they have flatlined and i just refuse to see it or for whatever reason cannot accept it. i have exhausted all of my mental, physically and psychologial resources when dealing with them. they were born addicted to drugs and i am not sure that is the sole reason that they need to be placed on the first available short bus. they have lived a life of drama where noone wanted them. their mama had them to try and keep their daddy, and when she figured that wasn't going to work, she decided she didn't want anything to do with my girls and left them in the hospital. the peeps that have taken care of them since have used and abused them in many different ways. and i have been doing my best to try an undo all of the damage that has been done to them. but they don't seem to be responding. they like living on the streets. they like watching the news and knowing who was gunned down or worse who did the gunning. they like the fact that their teacher has told them all they can hope for is to get a decent job some where because they ain't smart enough to do much else. it's like i am fighting a losing battle and maybe someone needs to come yank me away from them..




but i don't want to be like everyone else and just abandon them and give up on them. i know what it's like to feel like a motherless, fatherless child.

The mean girl

So my cousin emailed me, probably called me too, but seeing how my phone fell in the toilet and even though it was only in there for a millisecond, it doesn't work...AND even though Sprint can never tell me why i am overcharged ever bill or why i get dropped calls, or why my phone says miss calls when it never rang in the first place, they could tell that it had water damage when i took it to the store and wouldn't fix it. Life, ain't it grand?

anyways so my cousin wants me to edit my post where i posted what my other cousin and his cousin did? why? you take a wild guess. and the rationale, my post could get them caught up...and i am laughing because, it won't be my post. see they called me and if they ever suspect that they smell a rat with their story they will do what? pull a phone record and see who they contacted, and when my number pops up and they call me, do you think i am going to perjure myself? do you think i am going to throw my career away and my children's lives for someone who has shown me that they will leave me out there to dry when it comes to matters of the heart? HELL TO THE NAW.

it's a brand new day up in this piece. you see i observe everything even if i don't speak on it. and so it was funny that i spoke to her first when they were calling for legal advice before i read her emails where she stated she didn't have my number. lol..but they got it from somewhere...and what's even funnier is that the last time i talked to her before that was in august when i called because i was going through a lot and she told me that she didn't have time for me she had her own problems to deal with. and that was the last time i called her on the phone. and actually the last time i had talked to her on the phone period until they called me to find out what they could or should do w/ that other situation yall read abt...


anyways, i emailed her back and told her that i would edit the post on two conditions, that if they lied to the police, i didn't want to know about it and if that is the case to never call me again. now you may say that if she doesn't call i will know...not necessarily, she doesn't call anyways unless it's a FRANTIC situation.


and i know some peeps may think this is mean....and you are probably right esp. seeing how one of my collegues have taken to call me the mean girl because i say whatever i am feeling to whomever. but remember, i remember everything, and i learned after i saw Hitler's brother stab him in the head and after my cousin was willing to let me do time so she could be bunned up with her baby daddy without anyone else wanting him because he was crippled for life, that in my family and in this world it's every person for themself. so i am just taking care of myself and trying to secure a future for my baby boy that doesn't include madness or unnecessary drama.


so i'll be a mean girl..grrrrrrrrr (that's my mean girl roar!)

and i don't care if she goes and shows my blog to people or tell them i had crabs or whatever else she is learning about me for the first time because as Antoine Fisher said," it doesn't matter, they tried to destroy me and they couldn't i am still standing and i am still here!"

Getting Bit in the Behind

so i have a lot on my mind right now and i don't know where to start and unfortunately, no neat little poems are gonna help. you know when you tell people things that they need to hear they don't be trying to hear you until the worse happen and then they get frantic and want to know what to do. sadly, most of the times when it gets to the worse, there is nothing left to do but man up and take your punishment or deal with the consequences of your actions.



i remember when Hindsighted used to tell me, don't get involve with Luv because someone is going to wind up hurt and it ain't gonna be him....it's either going to be you or his wife or both of you. and when it was all said and done, she was right. but i knew this, i just thought i would be able to handle the hurt and pain that came with it because i had always handled hurt in pain in such a way that it didn't affect me. but when it was all said and done, i couldn't handle it, just like i can't handle that my son has to do without his father just so his wife is happy. but i will talk about that another time..this is not what's festering on my mind




what's festering on my mind is several conversations i have had of late with my some family members. i have a cousin who i used to love to no end. i would do anything for her and she knew that. she knew that she was my firstborn even if i didn't have her. i remember how she used to tell me that her child's father used to fist fight her and i told her it would only get worse esp if he did it in front of the kids; he had lil to no respect for her. i remember when it got worse. i will never ever forget it because it changed the dynamics of our relationship. she called me at three o'clock in the morning telling me that he had put a gun to her head. a real gun, not no toy gun. and he said he would kill her. (now let's get this straight, she didn't call me to have me listen and not act...she called me because she knew that i would act because she had seen me in action) i asked," where is that niggah now?" she told me that he went into hiding cuz he feared something would happen to him. i asked her what did she want me to do. she told me get him. i told her now you know i don't play when it comes to you. you know i am about to put him down. his mama is about to buy that black dress. she was like i know. i was on the first plane leaving out of the airport on my way to the chi with fire in my heart and lead in my hand. it was about to be on like it had never been. i ain't for the foolishness and i don't make idle threats. i make promises that i do intend to keep. and i had told her baby daddy that i would have no problem going to jail IF I Get CAUGHT, for killing him because he did something to my child. and now i was going to make good on my word. i already had my peeps waiting to swoop me up when i landed. so i land and am about to ride w/ the crew to put this fool down and decide to call my cousin to see if she knew his whereabouts, she was like naw but if i found him, could i not kill himself, could i instead shoot him in the legs so that he is paralyzed and noone else wants him. i was like hell to the naw. i aint about to do no time for nobody that you still gonna be bunned up with. she said she thought about it and she didn't want her kids to grow up without their father. and i am thinking, but it's okay for them to grow up without their mother and it's okay for me to sit in jail for popping someone that was trying to hurt you? yeah, so i had to take a chill from dealing with her because she was in my opinion acting like a chicken head. and i told her so. she wasn't using her head...and sadly to say his attacks on her didn't stop. and if he ever does kill her, i don't know how i would feel. i don't think i would blame him because sooner or later we have to be held accountable for our actions regardless of why we did x,y.z. this doesn't mean that i won't be sad or anything like that, i just probably wouldn't be moved to action. this doesn't mean that i think i am better than her or am judging her, it just means i do not agree with what is going on and i have a right to say so when i am placed in the mix and it then becomes my choice if i want to associate with the madness.


(this part has been deleted)

i learned at a very early age that you reap what you sow and that every action has an equal and opposite reaction and you will have consequences for the things you do....and my aunt is one of the ones who made me understand that, so what happened????



i will edit later when my head stops hurting...


naw, my head ain't stopped hurting...but due to other situations. i have edited my blog...to which i say, everything done in the dark will come to light...violence breeds violence.

forgiving me

there's something i have to tell you
something i should've told you long ago
these words flow so easily
so i just don't know
how it was that i had forgotten
to say these words to you
i've granted pardons near and far
and now is the time for me to say to you
I forgive you for never forgiving me
yes, i forgive you for never forgiving yourself


so here it is 28 years old and i don't have much to show for it. well let me flip it around, i don't have what i want to show for it, or i don't have what i believe i should have by now to show it. they say birds of a feather flock together, so i guess i've turned into a pigeon because my homies are flying high and i am sitting on someone's tree looking into their window, feeling like life is passing me by.

i have five best friends and they are all well-established. mostly making six-figures, got their own homes and rental property, too. married with the picket fence and the dog. me, i am still here living from lip to mouth. i don't understandwhy i can't get a break and often i find that i am frustrated and ashamed of myself. yeah, i am in school right now, but so what. if i had done what i was supposed to have done when i was supposed to do it, i would be living the life right now instead of watching those around me live the life i want for myself. and it doesn't matter that there are others that want to be where i am. it just makes my disappointment that much greater. i am here twindling my thumbs while someone is still on square one what a waste... the thing is i deserve to be here. nothing was handed to me...i did this, but it just seems like i will never get to the next plateau...like i will never reach happiness




so just in case i never get there i want to do something i was never taught to do and that's forgive myself for taking almost ten years to get out of undergrad...for allowing myself to be raped for loving men that had no intentions of loving me back for losing my drive to be the best that i can be and for always helping those around me without checking to see if i was okay and for never forgiving myself before this.

just wondering why we stay

so i will have to post twice today becuz my other post never made it here...it's out there in cyberspace just a floating

the other day someone told me that no matter what, i should love my mother because i only gets one. and then they asked what was it that she did that made me not like her so. My answer was simply,"she never left."


after 28 years, she is still there. still there with the man that beat her to a pulp on many occasions, still there with the man that had countless affairs, one with one his sis-n-law's sister, someone she used to hang out with, still there with the man that used to physically, mentally, psychologically abuse her kids. the man that wanted to control every aspect of our lives and hers...the man that wouldn't allow her family to come visit when he wasn't present and they sho' as hell couldn't stay the night. sure she had her moments, like the time she unleashed her can of mace on his unprotected eyes, or the time she keyed his 1978 baby blue camaro, and the time that she tricked him into believing that she was going to follow his instructions and not let us go on the Bozo Show...he would still believing we didn't make it if it wasn't for his aunt showing him the tape of the show that we were on.


i asked her on many occasions why she stayed and she said for the kids which are really messed up in various ways because of her staying. so i asked her why even leave, just to come back? because she had no where to go and felt she would damage our lives if she tried to take care of us on her own. funny thing though was that was what she was doing when she lived with Hitler. she took care of us on her own. he did nothing but dictate what we could or could not do. she paid half the rent, bought all the food, bought all our school supplies and clothes, and she kept up with what we were doing and where we going... when i graduated from high school, he didn't even know what school i was going to or what i was interested in becoming...the only thing he was concerned about was that i understood that he wasn't going to give me one red cent for school. that i was on my own... i laughed cuz i knew that i had been on my own for a very long time.. so i ask my mother was is she still there now that we are all gone...it doesn't matter that you sleep on one level and he another...it doesn't matter that you all haven't had a conversation in over 10 years...it doesn't matter becuase, you are still there... here answer is to mess with his head. sadly, she doesn't realize yet that when you stay in an unhealthy relationship, it messes with everyone's head

then i think to my aunt who let a man stab her and bust her head with a car jack. placing her in the hospital for months. when she got out, she knocked all his teeth out with a crowebar, placing him into the hospital... when he got out, they got married. sad right? no, what is sad is that this wasn't her first relationship like that and will not be her last if she doesn't figure out why she stays in these relationships that she knows she needs to walk away.

then we come to me, i will tell you right off. ain't nobody gonna put their hands on me again and live...it's that simple and peeps i deal with understand that. however, i will let a man mentally put their hands on me...what's the difference? they can disrespect me by having a wife, still be trying to holla to chicks on the side, call me names, not the B word cuz that's just like hitting me, or just not give me the attention that i deserve. and even though i don't stay for 28 years, but 28 weeks, days, hours or even seconds is too long for me to have stayed.

so why do we stay when we know we should leave and never come back?

REFLECTIONS

so as i am standing here looking at the rest of the stuff on the floor, i am wondering:


"Why bother? why bother with the rest of the crap?!"


yeah why should i bother...becuz when it's all said and done, it really doesn't matter what's in the pile for i know that i can never go back. i will never be able to turn back the hands of time and reverse any of the bad things that i have experienced...but even if i could, i don't know if i would want to. it's like Faith said:



" if i had to do it all again, i wouldn't take away the rainy days for it made me who i am today."



and that's real. if i didn't have to walk the 53 blks to and from work growing up, i would not appreciate my vehicle now. and on the flip side, if it is ever taken away from me, it won't matter becuz i already know that i can survive without it. (for those of you who know the chi...i used to walk from chgo ridge to 83 and Western)


and that's what i am. a survivor. i have always tried to see the whole picture which means seeing the good and the bad. therefore, i know that i have been blessed in so many ways. other people who went through similar things or even worse are not where i am today because they couldn't see the good in it all. and even though i feel like crying and at times i am crying, very few people who have encountered me in my 28 years know this....not even the closest of the close. why, becuz my reflection has never been that of a gurl who pitied or felt sorry for herself...and even at times despised herself...no it's been one of grace and power and respect.


it 's funny how people can see you better than you can see yourself sometimes. what's even funnier is how we reject what they are telling us and chalk it up to them judging us when all they are doing is loving us. but when we come full circle if we take the time to reflect, we see that they were right all the time and all we needed to do was believe.



but it's sad that i had to go through much of the drama in my life becuz of a man....not Luv but Hitler. but the past is that the past and so for the present i am going to do everything in my power to make sure my reflection is my reality.

bra and panty

so i am here holding the garments which cover the things i am supposed to hold sacred

my heart and my womanhood.......

However, as i look at them i am filled with sadness because i didn't do a

very good job of holding either one sacred

my heart, i kept it so out of reach that when it was time for me to love,

time for me to show tenderness, warmth, and affection i didn't know how to

so

i gave of my body instead...shared my womanhood with people

who didn't respect me, let along care about me

but in my mind i was loving...

i was giving them my heart by letting them violate the essence of who i was

i remember my first time...

i was darn near raped...and in the sense of what rape is,

i was.

i was eighteen and a freshmen in college

i was so wet behind the ears. I remember that right before i came to college,

my 14 year old cousin showed me one of her mother's porno so that i could understand

how a man and a woman actually had sex.

i understood that a man had a penis and a woman had a vagina and that the two

were supposed to go together some kind of way, but i just couldn't get the picture quite

right. so, my cousin showed me the porno

and i was in awe. and scared.

so now i am in college watching porn all of the times with my gurls and some freaky

negros; but i still wasn't comfortable with the images i was seeing.

yeah, i fantasized about doing it with my best friend probably becuz

i loved him and that's how i felt i could show him how much i loved him

so my first real boyfriend, i guess. i didn't like him really.

i was more in love with his little brother and sister than he and his crazy mama

i spent more time looking after them then being with him which was fine by me

all he did was lie about stupid stuff.

he once told me that he was a part of the Fab 5 that came out in Michigan

yeah you know the year...when weber and his crew played...he told me that i never saw

him on t.v. when they played because he always get ejected for fighting

sad thing was he really believed he played with them because he told everyone this.

and he wasn't joking...he thought someone would believe it or

one of his other pathetic lies

so you can see why i didn't like him; yet i stayed with him because ...

i don't know....but i do know that i didn't love him or even like him like that...

something to do...everyone else had somebody so i figured i should too

esp. before going away to school

so i used to talk to his mama everyday while i was away at school until one day

the calls stopped and i grew concerned... so i called her house and was told that she had

died. and i was devastated. she was the first person i had actually watched die.

before i left for school, i used to go visit her everyday and take her and the kids

something to eat because she was always too weak to cook, but never too weak to try

and hustle me out of my money.

so i went home without even telling my parents. hadn't talked to them since they dropped me off at my school's doorstep.

i stayed with my boyfriend for two nights. the first night he just cried and cried

talking about how he missed his mama and how he could see her

the next day, we went to his grandma's house to learn of the funeral arrangements

and also to learn what would happen to his youngest brother and sister

it was there we found out that his grandfather wasn't going to go to the funeral, he didn't want to see his daughter like that ...and it was there that we found out that his grandma wasn't

going to allow me to go the funeral.

she didn't want no darky at the funeral...go figure, she was darker than me...

while in her time in mourning, she felt compelled by her grief to tell my boyfriend

"thought i told you never to bring home nothing darker than you"

then she said that the kids would be shipped to another state where they knew noone because

they had their mother's trashy ways. they were 4 and 8 at the time

the grandfather must of had enough because he stood up and said

"that gurl is going to the funeral and that's final. she came all the way back to go to it and if i have to come sit outside the funeral home to make sure she is allowed in, i will...and if them kids got their mama's trashy's ways, then they got your ways, cuz they mama got her ways from you!"

that night i cried myself asleep, feeling sorry for the younger kids, wishing i could take them back with me

wishing i could protect them from the madness. now understanding their

mother's choice of not telling her family she had cancer.

i was awaken to pressure around by womanhood.

i looked down and there was my boyfriend trying to force himself into me while i was

sleeping. he had cut off my panties.

i was terrified but too tired to care.

i asked him what he was doing and he said that he just needed to feel loved and close to me

i told him there was no way in hell that he was going to enter me without anything

so he gets dress and runs down to the gas station and buys some condoms and comes back

he gets undress and i ask about why his pubic hair is gone

he tells me that he always cuts it off in the summertime

he asks me if i really want to to do it and i tell him no

but he says i can still go it though right? and i tell him to go ahead

he lifts my legs over my head and enters me like that

we will not discuss the level of pain i was in...

when it was over, i got up and got dressed, we would be leaving soon for the funeral and then i had a plane to catch

it wasn't until three days later that i discovered the real reason my boyfriend had shaved his hair. he had given me CRABS which i was about to return to him in a plastic bag until

one of my chi-town gurls told me to let it go....to be the bigger person

so we called his house pretending to be a doctor telling his uncle that he needed to come

back to the clinic as soon as possible to be treated for the four STDs that he tested positive for

his uncle put him out shortly after...something about not wanting someone

who was nasty like that living under his roof.

i told you, a sista always get even

but that experience defined how i freely gave of myself even when i didn't want to later on in my life...which is why i have decided to try and abstain from sex until i truly

know what it means to love

without giving of my womanhood.

the hat saga continued

i remember when the old man died that owned our building (he was the landlord) who was so nice to us...i remember how things got different. we could no longer eat the peaches off the tree and the owner's son took to drinking a lot and he didn't speak as much. i remember weird people started hanging around our building. i remember not feeling safe anymore. i remembered waking up one night to this man trying to climb into my window. i remember screaming and grabbing my bat that i slept with. (yeah a gurl been gangsta all her life) i remember someone pulling the man out of my window, i remembered the crash of glass. i remember my parents coming running to see what was wrong but by that time i was in the living room peeking through the window trying to see what was going on, trying to see who had pulled this niggah out of my window, i remembered the clanging in the gang-way as they fought. i remembered my father going to shut my window saying he would get a screen put in the next day. i remember thinking for what? i was never going to sleep with my windows opened again. i remember the lights going on in the building across the way, then going off, then the blinds moving...i remember wishing the clanging stopped. i remember someone shouting," i've called the police" i remember the sirens. i remember the running of feet. i remember crawling into my youngest brothers bed peeking into my room scared that someone else was going to come through the window. i remember getting up in the morning and seeing my landlord's son hand wrapped in bandages and i remember seeing blood on his shoes. i remember running up to him hugging him and telling him thank you as i cried. i remembered him telling me that he would never let anyone hurt me. i remember a week later my uncle who lived next door found a body in our dumpster. i remember the news coverage. i remember being scared to take out the trash. i remember being glad that it was him and not me that found the body. i remember moving not very long after that. i was eight.

i remember the first time i felt loved and protected against all things including my father. i remember what he used to say and how he used to say it:

come here gurl before i chop your head off.

my response: nu-uh cuz ima tell my daddy.

shoot, i don't care cuz ise chop his head off too.

now get over here and give me a hug and kiss!

i loved that man. (my father's oldest brother) he would grab me up and place me on his knee and that's where i would stay until he left. it didn't matter that it was way past my bedtime. noone was going to send me nowhere even if grown-folks were talking. nope not even Hitler cuz i think he knew that he would get his head chopped off. i remember when he died and how everyone said he constantly asked for me, but Hitler wouldn't take me to see him. i remember that was the last time i felt loved until i fostered a relationship w/ my unc who found the dead lady in the dumpster and until i met Luv. i was twelve

i remember peeing in the bed. i remember when i stopped my parents put my mattress out in front of our house for the bulk pick-up with the brown spots exposed to the world. i remember Hitler telling everyone it was my mattress. i was almost 14.

i remember the first time i "gushed" and thinking that something was wrong with me...thinking i had peed on myself. i was in college and was having some very freaky dreams about me and one of my best friends who had stopped over to watch some porno. my freshmen year in college, i had the porn room. it started w/ me, my suite mates, and some other chicks watching it for fun. cuz porn is funny, esp the ones w/ Dominique. i remember watching it and wondering if it could really be like that because i like most of the gurls in the room were virgins. then as the word spread, freshmen niggahs started stopping by w/ porn for us to watch. it was hilarious. we use to pop popcorn and order pizza. when it was over, everyone would go back to their respective rooms, except one of my gurls from the chi, she would crash in my bed with me and my best friend, he would sleep on the floor on on my roommate's bed if she wasn't there. this night i was home alone and i was dreaming we were doing all kinds of crazy stuff.. and next thing i know i felt this gush rush thru me...and i couldn't stop it. it felt as if my bladder had burst. i thought something was seriously wrong with me. i was like did i pee on myself? naw, not like that. my bed was soaked. i had my nose so close to the wetness, sniffing it trying to figure out what was going on...but it didn't smell like pee...but it still had an odor. i was scared. i took all the sheets off and put them in the hamper..took about fo' showers and slept in my roommates's bed. i remember when it happened again. i remember when it happened the second time i had sex. i remember the dude jumping up and was like," did you just pee on me? please tell me you didn't pee on me?" i remember thinking please God, even though i know i am sinning, please let me not have just peed on this man. i remember telling him to smell it so he could see for himself that it ain't pee. i remember him smelling it and still looking confused. i remember going to the doctor telling his fine, sexy self about my problem. i remember him looking confused. i remember feeling ashamed until someone brought the "squirters" porno to my room. i remember feeling that i was not alone even though it wasn't any blacks on there. i was 18.

i remember a lot more but these are things that defined my life in one way or another

so i don't know. show the hat stay or go? or does it need minor alterations?

Feeling good and Standing Tall

It could've just been in my head, but i do believe I stood a lil more erect today, not that i am a sloucher. But i do believe that i was more aware of my surroundings and who in my surroundings were aware of me... something about this honesty and facing yourself that does something to your soul and self-esteem.

so them dang glasses are gone, gonna get me some more. and you bets believe i will try them on for size before i decide to keep them, i ain't settling just for any ole thing, not now, not today. a sista is a professional now so she gots to have that TAILORED look. so if it doesn't fit me and my new personality and attitude, it ain't for me.

what to pick, what to pick from that pile? don't know, still kinda scared, a sister gots a lot of skeletons, ghosts, boogeymans, and some more weird stuff hiding in her clothes that she may not be ready to acknowledge.

i close my eyes and reach into my pile and pull out..................................................................


my hat. I know many are probably disappointed and like what she doing throwing her hat into the pile, its only fault should be it kept her head too warm or something. well that it did among other things. see i was Ms. Prissy when it came to my hair. I wasn't wearing just any ole hat on my head so that it could smush my do'. hell to the naw...not here. I had one of them scarf hats, the one that sat delicately on your head, covered your ears, and the ends wrapped gently around your neck, not allowing wind to enter or your warm air to escape. herein is where the problem lay.

my hat didn't allow for circulation. it didn't allow for fresh air to sweep in and force the stale stagnant air out. it didn't allow for words and phrases to enter into one ear and out the other. it allowed for everything that i have experienced up until now to stay with me and weigh heavily upon my shoulders.

i remember everything like it had taken place yesterday:

i remember my mother crying because my father hadn't been home in a couple of days. i remember asking where he was and she looked at me and said, "where dogs lay, with their hoes." i remember wondering what a hoe was? i remember my father coming home trying to get through the front door but couldn't because my mother had pulled the chain. I remember my mother shouting at him," go back to where you came from." i remember my mother getting a piece of paper scribble something and slide it under the door. i remember wondering what it was that she felt compelled to write. i remember him coming back two days later trying to get in again and my mother still not having it. i remember telling my mother he was going around back. i remember looking at him climb the back stairs, unnoticed by him. i remember him taking his fist and smashing it through the glass in our back door and reaching his hand in to unlock the door. i remember feeling scared, confused, and excited all at once. i remember hearing the latch come off the front door as my mother tried to make her get away. i remember running after her in my yellow footed pjs with the holes on the bottom so that they were only partially footed. i remember falling trying to run after my mother. i remember the fist fight that took place. i remember my father staying and my mother taking me with her in his car the next day. when we got in the car, on floor of the back seat was a balled up piece of paper. i remember thinking, could that be the paper that she slid under the door, i remember looking to see if my mother would notice as i put the paper in my pocket. i remember riding down familiar streets to an unfamiliar place. i remember my mother saying, "that's where that hoe lives, he thinks i don't know, but that's where she lives." i remember wondering what was going on. i remember my mother getting out of the car and standing, staring at a huge apartment complex. i remember thinking this was my chance. i remember taking the balled up paper out and reading it and it said:

Go back to where you came from

go back to the hoe you been lying up with

i hate youi hate you i hate you

go back to where you've been gone for two days

i balled the paper up and threw it back on the floor whence i got it. i remember feeling angry, confused, and sad all at the same time. my mother got back in the car and we went home. the next day when i got in the car, the balled up paper was gone. i was five.

to be continued.......

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who am I, after all?

This is what i am wondering as i am dodging my reflection in the mirror. I am sorta standing off to the side so that my image isn't cast at all. What am I afraid of? I mean, there is noone here but me. Maybe that's the problem. No man to tell me how tight my body looks... No woman to tell me I look good and how they would love to have my legs or my arching back...or.....Yeah, no one to give me a confidence boost.

I've been running from my reflection in the mirror since I was five. There was a brief stunt when I was 21 that I made myself stare at my reflection and tell myself that I was beautiful no matter what anyone on the outside thought...but deep down inside i thought i was ugly...have thought so for a very long time... and it's time to put an end to that nonsense once and for all.

i guess that's why the first thing i decided to grab out of my pile of yesterdays was my shades. it was through these that my distorted view of myself was personified. It was through these that my visions of myself became convoluted...that i took on others perception of what beauty was and some how it didn't include me. i remember how my "mother" never told me i was pretty, not until her sister told her and me that i should never wear the color black cuz it didn't do anything for me but make me look less than nice...that's when my "mother" was like she looks good in anything because she is pretty.

by then it was too late...i was already ashamed of how i looked to a certain extent.. i've always had this analytical mind so i used to reason: if my aunt (not the one who made the comment) whom i look exactly like is considered fine and i am considered ugly and the only thing different is our complexion...then i am not ugly, it's my color that they think is ugly. but this still brought me lil' comfort

my father told me i was beautiful and i was his lil princess BUT he was a liar, he was cheating on my mother so what he said held lil to no merit

my brothers called me ugly...

and my classmates. I remember the song they made up for me and used to sing everyday when i walked passed:

Spooky, Spooky Spooky Fruit

Where are you?

We need the light to find you

Even though at the time i had already mastered masking my feelings, that song hurt...but a gurl gets even instead of feeling pity for herself. so i decided to thank the ring leader for his song by giving him a basket of soaps, wash cloths and other hygiene products...seeing that he enjoyed bringing attention to peeps flaw, i thought it was time to for someone to let his funky behind know that he stank; but unlike my color, his could be fixed with soap, warm water and some deodorant. Can you believe he reported me to the principle? LMBO at the memory.

So when I get someone who's interested in me, I am wondering what's the punchline...what are they trying to get out of me...is it a bet or something instead of saying,"hmmph, they trying to get w/ this fine young thing"

so i guess it's obvious that these glasses have got to go... I need to smash them so no one else will fall victim to the false perceptions they perpetuate...it's no place for them in my new suit of armor.

becuz for yous who have seen me, you know ain't nothing ugly about me. not even my color which so happens to be the flava of the year so a sista be getting a lot of play. but even if Chocolate wasn't in, I would be okay becuase I know who I am: a beautiful person thru and thru

step by step...piece by piece...brick by brick

not sure when it really happened
or how it came about that i even knew,
the process was so intricate
so painstaking tedious and detailed
for the tiniest of the tiniest of cracks
could mean ultimate disaster
it took years of perfecting and reinforcing
but finally it was something i could be proud of
sometting i could call my own
noone could get to me now
nothing was going to pierce through and get me
affect me in any way
and now...
now you want me to throw it all away?
now, you want me to take a chance
without the wall and the guards
you want me to stand in the heat of battle
without my shield?
if that's what it is gonna take
who i am i to argue

so i have decided that i need to be naked. i need to take all of my clothes off and stand before a mirror and really see me. see the me that others see. this is going to be hard because i run from mirrors ( will discuss in a later blog) then and only then can i decide which apparel i will adorn my body with. this is the easiest way. throw the clothes, jewelry, and whatever other luggage i am carrying, in a pile and pick it up piece by piece, thoroughly examine,and then and only then will i be able to decide whether i need to give it away, throw it away, burn it, keep it or alter it for a better fit.

Mirror Mirror

what ima missing

the rides on the shoulder
the votes of confidence
the endless tickles
and warm embraces
the feeling of being safe
the knowledge that you are strong
and will protect me
what i am missing
is a father's touch


so, i am thinking once again about how messed up my life is... i have to think about it because i don't want history to repeat itself... i don't want to be the same tyrant, abusive person my father was...and i used father lightly seeing how i called him my "sperm donor" when i was growing up and seeing how we used to shout, "hail Hitler" and do the salute when he walked passed us.

not saying that discipline is wrong....cuz the Bible says, spare the rod, spoil the child...and children need to be punished and given boundaries and guidelines...and sometimes they need their bottoms spanked if the talking ain't working...but beating a child senseless or using an extention cord or even all the verbal abuse...it ain't necessary

i don't want to be my mother...whatever that means....she left us to fend for ourselves...she stood by and watched her husband destroy our spirits...or at least try in my case...but he did accomplish this w/ two out of the four...50% ain't bad.. she did show us the world and let us know that everyone did not live like us...or like the peeps on our block...or even like the peeps in our state...she made sure we stayed busy for the most part so we didn't get caught up in the street madness...and for that, i am greatful

but there is a lot in my past i wish i could undo...because in the heat of the moment you are going to resort back to what you know whether you agree with it or not... i don't want my kids to tell me that they don't love me...or just show by me by their actions that they don't love me... i don't want to be there where my mother is, competing w/ people who have stepped up to the plate and nurtured me...

i guess i put a lot of blame on my father because he was so mean to us and to our mother...he disrespected her, so he taught my brothers that it was okay to do the same. and he taught me and my sister that it was okay to let a man disrespect you because he was stronger...but what it did for me is make me fear and despise men. there was a time that i wouldn't let a male who was not related to me w/i 4 feet of my person...and if they tried to hug me or show me any type of affection, they got that "if you step any closer you will get the beat down of your life, look" then the rape didn't make it any better...but i think i am sorta at good place...at a turning point

i am ready yall, i just need to stay focused and i know i will be able to break the chains of a vicious cycle

it ain't always the Skank....

i don't normally tell peeps that one of my kids is by a married man becuz they get all judgemental and what not...get insecure when i am left with their man. lol
well not my true blue friends cuz they know i don't roll like that.

when Luv used to invite me to his house for certain gatherings that he and his wife were having...i would not go and i would tell him why. i told him that was very disrespectful to be rubbing me in her nose even if she didn't know about me...everyone else that was there did...his sisters, his mama, his brother and his best friend... yeah, i was a well kept secret.

when his wife came back after seeing that i had filled out his answer to her divorce decree... he asked me what he should do...told me that he was confused that he still have feelings for her and loves the mess out of me... i told him what he needed to hear, not what i wanted to tell him... i said, "she gots papers on you...if you still have feelings for her you need to try and see if you all can make it work...but i can't do this any more and it wouldn't be right if we did this any more after you decide to work things out."

my heart was saying, "look you fool...i love you and you love me...she filed for divorce...be free start anew...with me....with me..."

so now LUv is a calling and a calling and a calling at all times of the night...just wanting to hear my voice before going to sleep...what kind of mess...today he calls and says today is Wednesday and Wednesday is our hump day...(not sure how he came to this conclusion seeing how we had sex on a Sunday, a Friday and a Tuesday)

i keep telling him we need to make out an arrangment where we don't have to interact but he can still have a relationship with his son...i don't want to go back there...the flesh is weak...the flesh is weak

so i say all this in response to my gurl Thuggy who asked "are you one of those baby mamas who wear the skimpy clothes and try to get feeling started again" no...it ain't always the woman who be trying to get feelings started...sometimes you need to check your man and not the skank...lol.