forgiving me

there's something i have to tell you
something i should've told you long ago
these words flow so easily
so i just don't know
how it was that i had forgotten
to say these words to you
i've granted pardons near and far
and now is the time for me to say to you
I forgive you for never forgiving me
yes, i forgive you for never forgiving yourself


so here it is 28 years old and i don't have much to show for it. well let me flip it around, i don't have what i want to show for it, or i don't have what i believe i should have by now to show it. they say birds of a feather flock together, so i guess i've turned into a pigeon because my homies are flying high and i am sitting on someone's tree looking into their window, feeling like life is passing me by.

i have five best friends and they are all well-established. mostly making six-figures, got their own homes and rental property, too. married with the picket fence and the dog. me, i am still here living from lip to mouth. i don't understandwhy i can't get a break and often i find that i am frustrated and ashamed of myself. yeah, i am in school right now, but so what. if i had done what i was supposed to have done when i was supposed to do it, i would be living the life right now instead of watching those around me live the life i want for myself. and it doesn't matter that there are others that want to be where i am. it just makes my disappointment that much greater. i am here twindling my thumbs while someone is still on square one what a waste... the thing is i deserve to be here. nothing was handed to me...i did this, but it just seems like i will never get to the next plateau...like i will never reach happiness




so just in case i never get there i want to do something i was never taught to do and that's forgive myself for taking almost ten years to get out of undergrad...for allowing myself to be raped for loving men that had no intentions of loving me back for losing my drive to be the best that i can be and for always helping those around me without checking to see if i was okay and for never forgiving myself before this.