a new day is dawning...or is it setting

so how do you know when it's time to really let go? how do you get the courage to walk away from something that's really gots a hold on you? how do you turn your present situation into a past one?

so Luv has been the love of my life for some time, now... i think about how i was before him...before the rape and i look at what i have become... i don't like myself... But i know that i can change from the monster i've become...cuz i am a monster...many don't see it cuz i have no need to show it..
i think about how i was sleeping with a married man...hmph...
i remember how ashamed i was at first...then the shame left as the love grew....i never onced tried to justify our relationship...i never once tried to pretty it up or make it seem like what we were doing was right...i never stopped hoping something would happen and he would be mine...sure, he never told me he was leaving his wife...but he knew i wanted him too...he knew, he ain't blind...he could see it in my eyes. he knew that i would sacrifice just about everything for him...my self-esteem ( what lil i had left), my well-being, my financial security...whatever...anything for him because he was MYBOO...now look at him. over there chumping it up with his wife, laughing at me... but still calling me on the side telling me he has made the biggest mistake possible..telling me how he still loves me and how he wants to be with me...you know saying all the right things...but some how all the right words don't mean much to me...yeah, i've slipped up twice...and hopefully that is where it stops...i can't love Luv any more and I can't love Dirty any more becuz i'm not sure it's love but rebound...but esp Luv...Luv knows he has my heart...he knows he is my heart...in my mind we connected on so may levels...he was my soulmate... do you know how it feels to love without restriction, without inhibitions, without regards for self? do you... do you know how it feels when the love sends you crashing to the ground???

anyways...it has to stop right now...me and Luv...it has to stop....
if you know what i'm going through and can send me any advice...please do so...yah know how..