time to open up

im looking at the man in the mirror...oops i guess in my case it would b woman...well nevertheless, it time for me to make a change...and i think i am ready....so i guess ima tell da world y i wanna cry all of the tymes...not just sum of da time...

its funny becuz this must be the week for reflections, ephiphanies and changes...either that or everybody's on their period... n e ways... most of my peeps blogs this week has dealt w/ changes they want to make, need to make...or just their inability to open up to people or their inability to define themself or their inability to just be themself

and it was like whoa...u been feeling that all week Honey...esp when this dude was like he had to create another blog becuz he had too many peeps reading his X blog and he found that he couldn't really put out there what he was feeling...i was totally feeling him...not that those r my reasons for having multiple blogs or multiple personalities...(that was a joke...u know i am the sanest of the sane) i have multiple blogs becuz some people have no lives...and being that they have no lives, they find it amusing to put ur business on blast even though this is a public blog, it doesn't mean u need to be discussing me in another state over an IHOP breakfast talking bout...yo' Honey got her face played again...she so stupid...she so this she so that...its not for tearing me down...it for u to understand what's it's like to b me even for a second...its for u to understand y i am the way i am.

i tried to holla at Thumper and he was having no parts of it...i think my last outburst really hit home and he wants no parts of me..and its kinda sad becuz i really liked Thumper...i think...i am not sure who i like at this point in my life...i am not even sure if i like myself and that's on the real

I don't think i gave Thumper a fair shake...i think i used him to provide comfort so i didn't have to be alone with my thoughts and my true feelings....but life is real, and i am for the most part with people and i think i need to get back to being real w/ myself

see i started putting a wall up around my feelings when i was in 1st grade...i remember the incident like it was yesterday and not almost 30 years ago...but i decided that i showed my emotions too much, that i wore them on my sleeves and that if i didn't get them under control everyone was going to be hurting me... I wonder if LilZ remembers it cuz they were right there...

anyways from there i just built away.....i am always trying to reinforce that wall....I let it down for Luv and he just pulverized me...but that's because i allowed him to...
i think i was a little too needy and too agressive with Thumper...probably because i am so tired of failing when it comes to relationships...most of my friends are married or getting married...and me, i just have a trophy...and for the most part they seem happy...and i just want to be happy and to have a permanent babysitter cuz i would be out...
but i am really a homebody...like having peeps come over and play some games, dance shoot the breeze go check out a flick...have some good ol fun...i am really not for no drama, which is why i am probably so unhappy here..most people i have run across are full of drama...and they love it, hell they live for it.

well i think its time for me to admit that i am sick and tired of feeling like a motherless fatherless child...and yeah i gots a load of peeps that luv me now...but its just not the same. maybe it would have been different if i was really adopted...i wonder if NOBB and IndiV and Soul4real remembers that...but growing up with a family doesn't care about you gives you a complex...it makes u think that something is wrong w/ you...so subconsciously you are always doubting yourself and people's motive...and Luv showed me that no matter how much love a person gots for u...u stay true to your own. and i say that to say, if i was hanging on a limb and one of my peeps family was hanging on a limb, they would grab their family first and i have no one who would grab me first
and it hurt when my Other bought Useless and Exocist brand new laptops and tried to feed me lies about why she did...then gonna give me some five dollar trinket like i am child...what the hell!!!
it hurt that two of my sisters (Lilkim and Foxy) felt that they had to wait until the threat of someone else telling me something about them for them to tell me something that they had been keeping from me..not that it mattered one way or another...not that it changed how i felt about them...cuz those my DAWGS and i love the hell out of them..but it still hurt that they felt that they couldn't tell me because they wanted me to know...
just like it hurt that one of my sister (Identical) felt the need to lie to me about something serious...but that don't hurt no more cuz we have dealt with it... i whooped her butt...naw..i just sent her like a 10 page letter front and back reading her behind...but no love was lost...i still luv her like the sky is purple.
but on the flip side...i am sure that i am not as sweet as my name all of the times and probably hurt some peeps too...like my P.I.C. that was my ace for life...shady as all outdoors but that was the one who could make me laugh when there was NOTHING to laugh about...
it hurts that i am not in a position to help n e one ...not even myself...i just feel so powerless..like a failure...the one thing i always had going for myself was that i could help others better than i could help myself...now i don't have that going...n e ways...most of them don't need my help cuz they doing the dang thing on their own...and i am so proud of them...sometimes i think i may be a little envious or jealous of them...i forget which one ia m supposed to use because one means that i would cause them harm and secretly hate them...atleast that's what this dude told me last year...