who am i..that is the question

what is my deepest fear?

the possibility that someone will see me for who i really am...a scared little kid, just looking for someone to love them...someone who isn't a strong as they think....

why do i talk in circle?

most don't notice that i do..but it's to keep people at arm's length so that they can't hurt me..

what do i wish people would realize?

that even the strongest of the strong have weak moments..

what do i regret most?

not following my mind at all times..and allowing my heart to lead instead

what is the one thing i have always wished to have but probably never will attain?

a big happy family

words i would use to describe myself...well most of the times i am very reliable, dependable, trustworthy, loving, considerate, empathetic, and honest as long as you are not a guy i am dealing with

things i dislike about myself...i have really turned into a combination of my mother and my father...i am a mean tyrant at times...and then at others i am nagging, weak, conniving lost soul...

my pet peeves...people who lie esp. for no reason...people who tell my business, esp. when they didn't even hear the information first hand...or even if they did, it's not their business to tell... it's funny because i didn't even let my mother know i had started my period until a year after because i knew she would tell everyone....so when she found out...joke was on her....everyone i wanted to know, already did... people who tell me what i they think i want to hear instead of what i need to hear...people who mistreat children either by manipulating them, neglecting, not educating them, not loving them, misleading them, lying to them, using them, and by abandoning them...people who manipulate others on their own for selfish reasons...

i have been thinking how pathetic my family is...how divided they used to keep us...how Outkast used to sit the lighter grandchildren in one room away from the darker ones...funny...when her husband's peeps snubbed her because of her color you would've thought this would be the last thing she would do.... i think how everyone made Average believe she was the shiznit to the point everyone was competing for her attention...i think about how Twofaced used to tell us that noone was our friends that they were just out to use you...that everyone talked about you behind your back and smiled in your faces...I remember how ColdasIce used to talk badly about TheMan... residuals of slavery....chains and links and whips that never seem to get broken...I think about how i was told i was this and Switchmaster was told they were that and we looked exactly alike...I remember how Highandmighty rubbed her arrogance and siddity taste and style in everyone's face...unknowingly...i remember a lot and i guess a lot of what i remember is why i am the way i am today...

i need to call Thumper and apologize...i need to apologize to Luv...I need to apologize to Dirty...i need to apologize to every man i have ever trapped in my web of confusion....i have been looking for a daddy....but now it is time for me to grow up...my childhood has come and gone a long time ago...some things you never can get back... i think about my child's name sake...and i feel loved, even if only for a short moment..

i miss my babies...its funny, even if you try to forget, the body always remember...

even while i am feeling somewhat downhearted...i still remember how blessed i am..it could have turned out much worse...i could be like BrokenShoe....getting all the help in the world and too selfish and ignorant to use the help to better myself versus using the people trying to help me.

today i will start praying for forgiveness...forgiveness for my inability to forgive all those who have wronged and hurt me.