Luving ain't always easy

The love we shared was so strong,
yet oh so wrong...
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense
not to my heart
that still changes its beat
when you are near
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense....
not to my heart
which skips a beat
when it hears your voice
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense
not to my heart
that pounds loudly
when it picks up your scent
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense...
not to my heart,
that flutters excitedly
in anticpation of the love
that is supposed to happen next
but instead of love,
there is hatred and lies
and instead of sweet smells
i get a whiff of BS
and instead of kind words
i get bitterness laced with more lies
and instead of closeness
i finally realize how far apart
we really are
it finally makes sense
my heart gets it now,
you weren't mine to keep
so now it has cease to beat


I talked with Luv today...actually i went to see him...had some things i need to get off my chest...No, Shortay, it wasn't my bra. I told him how angry i was with him...how i felt betrayed...and he feed me what???? more lies...i don't know ...i have built this wall around me and you know it's allergic to BS...so when i started choking and gagging ...i figured it was due to the smoke he was trying to blow up my butt and not to the Mickey D's i was stuffing down my throat.... i keep thinking abouting Waiting to Exhale....you know, it hurt so bad...yeah...it hurts like hell... love sucks...so does Luv...so he asking if he can call me later tonight.... i told him yeah...y, cuz he ain't gonna call..y...cuz he wants me...y cuz i am the best darn thing that has walked into his life...but i need to ask him things cuz i don't want to b alone all my life... i need someone to leave the kids with...i need to ask him abt the good things i brought to the relationship and ofcourse what were the bad...now, if he says my mouth was the bad thing...everyone is out of luck...cuz that ain't changing...iam going to say what i gots to say and that is that...and if i have to...i will cut somebody to get my point across...

i am so stressed...i am doing the best i can..but sometimes your best ain't good enough...i remember when i used to be laughing at Shaquan telling me how she be sitting at home banging her head against the wall, literally, because she needed a break...if i didn't think MacDaddy, and R2d2 and SlowMama would follow suit, i would proceed to knocking a huge whole into my wall...

i have been praying a lot...cuz a sistah needs guidance...it's funny how my life changed when i stopped doing things God's way...i didn't realize how protected i was... i thought i was missing out on something by not having sex with a lot of guys and not smoking weed...and getting drunk and...let me stop...cuz i never wanted to get drunk or smoke weed and never have...okay...seeing that i am drunk after a half of a drink..that doesn't count...i have been sipping on this margarita my gurl gave me last week all week ...i swear i be getting up w/ a hang over...

i have a lot of life changes to make...i am poor and i have finally realized that some things in life you just can't do if you don't have the financial backing...so i maybe stepping away from what i am doing now and venturing down another path...i am tired of struggling

oh...and i am jealous not envious...lol...

not even jealous that it aint't me ...just mad that my dreams haven't become a reality...but i guess i should be glad that i didn't get the ten kids i wanted...almost...but not quite..

so right now i am hoping that if i get my life on track that everything else will fall into place...
if not...i am determined not to stray off the course that i am on...because even though i am not where i want to be...i am almost at peace with myself

did i say i hold grudges??? well i do ...and at this point i want to forgive all of my friends whom i may have a grudge against...but seeing i don't have a grudge against any of my friends...it doesnt
een matter at all...nothing even matters at all