the hat saga continued

i remember when the old man died that owned our building (he was the landlord) who was so nice to us...i remember how things got different. we could no longer eat the peaches off the tree and the owner's son took to drinking a lot and he didn't speak as much. i remember weird people started hanging around our building. i remember not feeling safe anymore. i remembered waking up one night to this man trying to climb into my window. i remember screaming and grabbing my bat that i slept with. (yeah a gurl been gangsta all her life) i remember someone pulling the man out of my window, i remembered the crash of glass. i remember my parents coming running to see what was wrong but by that time i was in the living room peeking through the window trying to see what was going on, trying to see who had pulled this niggah out of my window, i remembered the clanging in the gang-way as they fought. i remembered my father going to shut my window saying he would get a screen put in the next day. i remember thinking for what? i was never going to sleep with my windows opened again. i remember the lights going on in the building across the way, then going off, then the blinds moving...i remember wishing the clanging stopped. i remember someone shouting," i've called the police" i remember the sirens. i remember the running of feet. i remember crawling into my youngest brothers bed peeking into my room scared that someone else was going to come through the window. i remember getting up in the morning and seeing my landlord's son hand wrapped in bandages and i remember seeing blood on his shoes. i remember running up to him hugging him and telling him thank you as i cried. i remembered him telling me that he would never let anyone hurt me. i remember a week later my uncle who lived next door found a body in our dumpster. i remember the news coverage. i remember being scared to take out the trash. i remember being glad that it was him and not me that found the body. i remember moving not very long after that. i was eight.

i remember the first time i felt loved and protected against all things including my father. i remember what he used to say and how he used to say it:

come here gurl before i chop your head off.

my response: nu-uh cuz ima tell my daddy.

shoot, i don't care cuz ise chop his head off too.

now get over here and give me a hug and kiss!

i loved that man. (my father's oldest brother) he would grab me up and place me on his knee and that's where i would stay until he left. it didn't matter that it was way past my bedtime. noone was going to send me nowhere even if grown-folks were talking. nope not even Hitler cuz i think he knew that he would get his head chopped off. i remember when he died and how everyone said he constantly asked for me, but Hitler wouldn't take me to see him. i remember that was the last time i felt loved until i fostered a relationship w/ my unc who found the dead lady in the dumpster and until i met Luv. i was twelve

i remember peeing in the bed. i remember when i stopped my parents put my mattress out in front of our house for the bulk pick-up with the brown spots exposed to the world. i remember Hitler telling everyone it was my mattress. i was almost 14.

i remember the first time i "gushed" and thinking that something was wrong with me...thinking i had peed on myself. i was in college and was having some very freaky dreams about me and one of my best friends who had stopped over to watch some porno. my freshmen year in college, i had the porn room. it started w/ me, my suite mates, and some other chicks watching it for fun. cuz porn is funny, esp the ones w/ Dominique. i remember watching it and wondering if it could really be like that because i like most of the gurls in the room were virgins. then as the word spread, freshmen niggahs started stopping by w/ porn for us to watch. it was hilarious. we use to pop popcorn and order pizza. when it was over, everyone would go back to their respective rooms, except one of my gurls from the chi, she would crash in my bed with me and my best friend, he would sleep on the floor on on my roommate's bed if she wasn't there. this night i was home alone and i was dreaming we were doing all kinds of crazy stuff.. and next thing i know i felt this gush rush thru me...and i couldn't stop it. it felt as if my bladder had burst. i thought something was seriously wrong with me. i was like did i pee on myself? naw, not like that. my bed was soaked. i had my nose so close to the wetness, sniffing it trying to figure out what was going on...but it didn't smell like pee...but it still had an odor. i was scared. i took all the sheets off and put them in the hamper..took about fo' showers and slept in my roommates's bed. i remember when it happened again. i remember when it happened the second time i had sex. i remember the dude jumping up and was like," did you just pee on me? please tell me you didn't pee on me?" i remember thinking please God, even though i know i am sinning, please let me not have just peed on this man. i remember telling him to smell it so he could see for himself that it ain't pee. i remember him smelling it and still looking confused. i remember going to the doctor telling his fine, sexy self about my problem. i remember him looking confused. i remember feeling ashamed until someone brought the "squirters" porno to my room. i remember feeling that i was not alone even though it wasn't any blacks on there. i was 18.

i remember a lot more but these are things that defined my life in one way or another

so i don't know. show the hat stay or go? or does it need minor alterations?