the devil is trying my patience

so i haven't been on for a sec cuz i have been coming home and passing out
just flopping on the floor and waking up to the crickets.. or rain/hail pelting the windows.
and feeling cold..weird, i typically don't get cold..
my craving for baking soda is back... let's me know that my soul is deeply disturbed
so they say art mirrors life..well does life mirror art or just reflect it?

the other day i was ranting about how this dang blasted place won't do what it's supposed to when it comes to snow and ice and i was just putting the finishing touches on my mental email to the mayor when my car spunt out. i mean it just went around in a circle a couple of times while i was trying to park.

my response: i got out the car with the club and beat the ground.. it crack a little but not enough to effect any type of progress for me to straighten my vehicle so i said bump it. it wasn't anything i could do at that moment but lock my car up and proceed to work and yeah my car was in disarray but i couldn't worry about it, so i left and laughed.

cars are blessings and curses.. i just spent over $300 to get it back right due to it's off road driving i couldn't afford to be late to the plantation.

so my child has taken to acting out as of late. he even called his grown cousin a nigger. i mean she is one but that's not the point. lmbdo. then he has taken to crapping on himself. do you know how much effort it takes to crap on yourself. i want to beat him but he would probably "get dead" so i just take away things he likes doing like eating supper and playing bball and with rocks. i'm sorry i don't do doodoo

massah is the devil in the flesh and today is pay day and um i didn't get paid. he claims he had no funds. so i am sitting on my hands right now to keep from torching his office... he ain't gots no funds in a sec he won't have a practice.. u play with my money, u playn with your life. but imma just sit here and say my kumbyus until monday cuz i know it's the devil messing with my soul.. he trying to get me to slip..

i won't give him this victory or this war. imma have to figure out how much of my money maker imma have to shake to get them neyo tickets.

one luv and hugs cuz i know i can't be the only one that needs one

Are you the YOU, you want to be or the YOU someone told you to be?

In order to effect true positive change in your experience, you must disregard how things are-as well as how others are seeing you-and give more attention to the way you prefer things to be.





i took this quote off someone else's discussion because it so poignantly stated what was muddled in my brain.

it's funny because most of my life i have beat to my own drum. did my own thing and not really cared who had anything to say about it because last time i checked, i came in this world by my lonesome and was probably checking out by my lonesome. however, there are distinct turning points in my life where i went against myself and lent a listening ear to all the naysayers and DL Haters and just unhappy people around me, and it didn't fair well for me.

the first time would be when i knew right down to the core of me that i needed to take a break before coming to college. i wanted to travel, to experience life, i wanted to sleep. i had pushed myself so hard to get to where i was... first black valedictorian female in my school, sporting a 4.995 g.p.a., tennis team, swim team, chess club, academic decathlon, asia club, middle eastern club, french club, PIP, Key Club, Kiwannis, Big Bruh Bis Sis, you name it, i was probably on it and actively involved. i just wanted to take a year off and just chill and then here come the naysayers with their hater shirts on

(hi haters) you need to go to college right away. you don't need to take the year off..if you do you will never make it back...you are wasting OUR opportunity...you have too much to lose.. please don't let US down.

so, i came to school and got so sick that i basically had to repeat my entire first year. stay in the hospital...and you know what the dr. said? yup, you should have taken a year off, you had pushed yourself too much...your body shut down because you didn't rest it. funny thing, i don't remember none of the haters digging in their pockets after i lost my full ride to help me continue OUR dream.

then their was the issue of financing school with a loan.. yeah i had worked so hard..i received so many free rides, why would i go to a school that i had to finance with loans?

(i see yah haters) End result, i wound up at a school that i didn't particularly care for and spent the next 8 or 9 years in undergrad sulking about how i should have followed my gut and went to the A (me and T.I. could be married by now) i mean after i lost my scholarship i had to fund my career with guess what... LOANS!!!!!


and then there was the time i was told that i shouldn't date this person or feel this way about that person because they were not up to par...they weren't good enough for me...they weren't 'um i don't know what? ROYALTY? so i hid my true feelings in an effort to spare their feelings if someone came out the pocket when we were together.

(big ups to all my haters) so i let a good one get away and for what... for someone who also was dating, feeling, married to a blue collared worker? i mean i understand you wanting the best for someone but dang.. was it you wanting the best or wanting me to be alone? last time i check pedigree nor money bought class or character.

so now i am back in a place where i tell peeps 'do you cuz imma do me' and that involves becoming the me that I like, no, that I LOVE, because if i can't stand to live, look at, or take out ME then how in the hamsandwich can i expect someone else too? so people LIVE YOUR LIFE and stop trying to live someone else's for them...(unless you birthed them and then only if they under the age of 10) figure out who you want to be and what you want to do for you... and when them lil birdies come with their tidbits of info, do what we sung about in the army "SMASH THEIR LIL HEADS!"

HATE ON ME HATERS CUZ I'M DOING JUST FINE.

the comfort of an old friend

so today was Obama's big day and while i woke up ready for it to be over i was excited about one thing: my friend/sista was here from the Chi by way of Alabama and it was like finding your other favorite sock

i haven't seen her in a decade though we talk semi-annually on the phone. and it's just something about true friendship how you can literally be separated by the oceans for half a century but as soon as that distance/barrier is removed, things go on like you were never apart.

no uncomfortable silence... no awkard hello's .. no presenting your representative...none of that foolishness.

just a big ole scream and a tight hug and you all slip on into convo like yall have been talking everyday for the last decade or so.

true friendship in this day and age is rare like a perfectly polished gem...so if you have it, trust me when i tell you to hold on to it. it's nothing like having someone you can pour your soul out to, good, bad, ugly and not having to worry that the next day everybody and their mama will be talking about your bizness.

i guess that's why i have been trying my darnest to let my faithful ten know how much i appreciate them. how much i love them.. and how much i would miss them if i could never pick up a phone and talk to them...

so if you have someone out there that's dear to you that you haven't checked on in awhile, stop reading this and go do it. believe me, good convo with a good friend is better than chicken soup and hot choc on a -37 day in the Chi' any day.

i had a lightbulb moment

so this morning i was carrying on a convo in my head with Safeway (naw, i ain't crazy)
it's just easier sometimes for me to have convo with him in my head before i actually have them with him..that way i can think thru my responses. or actually replay a convo we had that didn't fare so well and figure out why.. why is it that when he puts me on the spot or in the hot seat do i shut down or just say some outta the way stuff to send him on his way.

so like i said in another post Safeway and i have been speaking, nothing serious just having POLITE conversation. anyways, i was trying to express why i had been treating him the way i had been treating him as of late and then why the 360. see, i sent him a letter telling him to stop contacting me, period. to stop sending me forwards, stop forwarding dumb texts, stop sending me one of his mass messages, just to leave me alone. now, i am in no form, shape or fashion over this boy BUT i need to be. and i needed him to stop interfering with my life. i needed him to give me space to breathe and to allow me to deal with him on my terms and on my time. it sounds selfish and maybe it is, but his arbitrary contact in my life was causing me major problems.. i was so angry with him and needed to know why...to see if it was another classic case of misplaced anger.

so on new year's eve this negro sends me a text at 10 something talking happy new year and i'm like enuf is enuf. so i txt him back 'delete my number' and i that's what i wanted him to do. delete my number, delete me, delete us.

so the weeks go by and chaos is surrounding me but my mind is so clear..like everything is making sense. everything i need to do...everything i need to stop doing, etc. i enroll my child in b-ball which is an entire post in itself..i go skating for the first time since 1995.. i talk to my mother in probably the closest to 'respectful' manner since i was like 6. i allow myself to be caught up in someone else's drama but not to the point that it cripples me and stops my progress. so i'm like, you on a roll...how about tackling Safeway. how about dealing with that face on. so, i call him and he's like yeah, let me call u back

so now i'm like okay...is he going to call me back or is he on getback...and then i dismiss the thoughts as quickly as they appear because it really doesn't matter. and that's a victory for me cuz i typically WASTE about 10 min going over why he can't talk to me..wondering about what it is that he is/isn't doing at the time and so forth. and when he does call back, i am shocked.

shocked because i had forgotten that i had called him and because he seems so HAPPY to talk to me. and yeah he gives it to me about calling him after telling him to stop calling me..stating that i mean that he can only talk to me when i am good and ready to talk to him...yadda yadda yadda. and well i talk with him and i feel good. not affected really. when i got off the phone my mood was still the same it was before he called. i did call him right back because i needed to say something to him. (how ironic SAY is now playing on the radio) i called him back and said this...not exactly all of what i needed to say but most of it.

i just called back because i want you to know that i still love you and i am still in love with you. so the things that i did were never because i didn't love you. i was mad with you and mad with myself. i was mad with myself for loving you so much and mad with you for allowing me to love you so much. but now i'm okay with knowing that i loved you and am ready to accept things as they are... i just don't know why i was mad about loving you but i was...

his response, 'ditto... *chuckle* naw, yeah, i still love you too'

so this brings me back to where and why i started this post. this morning i woke up pondering why it was that when we both told each other that we loved them that we got timid..or maybe shy or whatever it is that we get... i told him that i felt vulnerable or scared or something ...and why i was trying to find the missing piece that would solve this question, another question popped into my mind that Safeway had asked me awhile back 'did i think he cheated on me' my response to him at the time was that i didn't care yadda yadda yadda (yeah i cared but it didn't matter if i cared or not at the time because we were beefing)

so in my head i told him that it was 'complicated' because when we were together i didn't think he was cheating on me or would cheat on me because he loved me... then when we were beefing i was like he didn't cheat on me because he didn't have the time and he was scared i would Lorraina him and he wouldn't do that in his people's house (yeah i know..wet behind the ears)... then when we were threw i was like 'Hmm, you don't need that much time to cheat and i now know what his peoples don't know he ain't gonna tell so maybe he did but it's nothing i can do about it now, but yeah it's possible'

so i am now literally looking myself in the eyes (i'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth) and asking why can't you just believe he was faithful and leave it at that? and the reality was this: if i believe that he was faithful and he actually wasn't then that would be a bad reflection on my character. that it would show that i was gullible, silly, stupid, THAT GIRL..you know the girl, the one all in love with her dude when everybody, including her mama and his mama, know that he ain't nothing but some trash and that he doing her dirty. but the reality of it is this: i can only control me and most days i don't do a good job at that becuz Shanequa La Shay Shay be coming out all free and nilly regardless of where I am..be in court, judge's chambers, police car what have you...she come out and let you have it. (rumor has it, she a lil hostile) so if he did cheat on me or disrespect me in anyway, that is a reflection on his character not mine. and the fact that i loved him with all of my might and it didn't work out doesn't mean anything either...just means that i am capable of loving someone more than i love T.I. and Michael Jordan.

so for the 2009 i am going to continue to LIVE MY LIFE (gotta shout him out) and work on loving without any regrets and trusting without any regrets and if someone misuses my trust or love, that's on them...something they have to deal with not me.

one luv
smooches

My big girl drawls ain't working

*warning this will be tmi*

so i have been having this problem for some years now but it's getting worse.
i bleed through my clothes and well it's too the point where i just want to call in sick...
but seeing that i don't get sick leave and bills have to be paid..i go to work. but it's really pointless because i spend most of the day in the bathroom.. and the time not in the bathroom i spend watching the clock so i will know when i should be rushing to the bathroom
and let me tell you that i have tried everything.

i mean on most days i am equipped with 3 pairs of drawls tights 2 pairs of shorts and at least 2 pairs of pants... this is what i wear not what i take with me and trust me when i say that it never fails that i always wish i had put on another layer of protection because i get up and my seat is red. good thing my seat is now leather because i can just spray and wipe ( no scrubbing necessary)

so today i am just feeling just so thru..massah keep talking about nothing...and then he wants to get mad when he realizes that i am not listening to him. so i decide to email Always and tell them about my plight.. tomorrow i will email another and another and another one until somebody starts sending me free pads or something for my trouble.. i mean pads aren't cheap and seeing that they aren't working for me i think that they should just give them to me free.

okay that's the end of my rant.. but please do email/comment if you have any suggestions on what i can do to prevent any more leakage incidents.

****update***

so the IL welfare peeps called me and seems like they are willing to help my mother with childcare and financial assistance if she takes the baby/babies. maybe this will prompt my sister into tellling what/where the infant is.... i will keep praying and you all keep me in your thoughts


one luv

find a happy place

so i have to be honest with yah, i am still not coping with everything that has taken place over the last couple of weeks. my head hurts just thinking about how this little baby is out there with i don't know who. and the funny thing is, my sister and i have NEVER been close. but, i have always done what i could to uphold my title as big sister. she has a thing for weird socks...so whenever i see weird socks and have a lil extra change in my purse, i get them for her. she likes bugs bunny, so whenever i see anything with bugs bunny on it, i get it for her.

when i found out some dude was messing with her.. i made some calls and was preparing to go a riding..

so it was only natural that when i found out she wanted to give up her babies for me to volunteer. not really so much out of love but out of obligation... and maybe out of love too.. not sure. things are so foggy right now. i've changed so much over the last year that it's hard to say why i offered my help.

i remember distinctly telling my Unc that if my parents died especially my mother that i didn't even know if i would take the time to come to the funeral let alone help with the arrangements. he told me that i would have to because i would probably be the only one that could do it..and i was like, 'she betta hope one of the three kids that she constantly buys stuff for and spends time with and do for can rub their heads together and get it done'

but now, i guess i would have to do the arrangements even if i didn't go to the funeral because i am obligated ..it's the first commandment with a promise. funny how i could care less about this before and now well, it's all that i care about.

am i living my life the way i am supposed to regardless of what the next man or woman is doing? am i forgiving those fools that irk me on purpose? am i being long-suffering with my mother who ever time i see her number i want to jump out of a window? am i being patient with a child that whines for no reason... and let me tell you, i don't get it right every single day or every single time but at least i am trying...and this is why i will keep trying to get through to my sister even though in my heart i feel like she should be the last person crying it's hard because i guess when you so used to having everything done for you that it is hard when you are forced to stand on your own come what may

i feel the urge to ramble so i will close here...maybe tomorrow i will feel up to talk about my convo today with safeway

IF you CRAZY and you know it clap your hands!

Bipolar is a form of mental illness. (okay now that we have gotten that out of the way, i can proceed)


well, i haven't been able to bootleg/pirate the internet for a minute which was probably to my benefit because my entire being was still messed up... have you been so mad that you just couldn't function regardless of where you were?

well, i was at work dealing with a family crisis that really didn't have to be a crisis if people would just 1. act their age 2. assume their positions 3. stop turning a blind eye to everything 4. stop lying to themselves and everyone around them... and massah there trying to pluck my nerves but really can't do so because i ain't paying him no rabbit mind. there was one point that i left my desk and went to the bathroom to complete my call to IL family and child welfare.

my sister got in a cab with her baby that mind you was a week old and came back without her baby and NOBODY finds that a bit alarming. and when questioned about it she simply states that 1. we won't see the baby again and 2. please don't talk about it because she doesn't want to discuss it. WHAT AND THE HAM SANDWICH!!!

so yeah i am a lil mad okay more than a lil mad because when i was told that she was going to give this precious baby away i asked her if i could have the baby and she said yeah.. she was like 'sure Truthz, you can have him...all his stuff is over there.' just like she was giving away a sack of potatoes or a loaf of bread and then she said naw i couldn't she was just gonna give him away but won't say who why where or nothing.

now i know it's hard out here for single mamas... ain't nobody gots to tell me cuz i done been there done that and still doing it. and so i just ain't into giving out sympathy to someone that i know was getting support from their mama and someone who had other options opened to them.


see i was willing and ready to take her lil baby because i am sure once she get her mind right that she gonna want her lil baby back and because even though we ain't cool like that, she's my sister and i have her back just on GP and i offered to take her 1 year old, too.

so on the day in question i received a text saying she now wanted to give the 1 year old away and was looking for somebody to give it to and i'm like what in the world...didn't i just tell this girl i would take them both and now she done separated them and won't tell where or what happened to the newborn and wants to give the other away, too. so i'm like if i call the Peoples on her she surely won't let me have the 1yr old but if I don't and she threw that baby into a ditch then my conscious will beat me until i die..

now, i am not saying she hurt the baby and i'm not saying she didn't but what i am saying is that depression coupled with postpartum can be a mother and it's no telling what kinda voices she hearing and what they are saying.

when i had my child i heard voices telling me to throw mind out the window (sure it was my own voice and it was after 45 days straight of him screaming at the top of his lungs like a grown man (he had colic)and i wasn't suffering from depression nor postpartum) and i would call one of his relatives who thought he was so precious and say 'look imma about to toss him you betta come get him.' and they would not because they thought i was gonna toss him but because they understood i had had enough and needed a break. AND ofcourse he would get over there house and sleep and not make a sound but that's another story.

so anyways i am at work trying to deal with something that i shouldn't have to deal with but have to because the people who should be dealing with it can't because they haven't even dealt with their own issues that have contributed to the situation at hand. (whoo, that was a lot but now i feel better)

so the Child and Welfare People said they would send someone to check on the 1year old and get info on the newborn but i needed to provide info that i didn't have and well my mother wouldn't provide becuz she was like she definitely won't give you the child if you do that and i think that she just needs some time alone because she is going through a lot..

yeah, you don't say.

so, i don't know if i am gonna get the one year old but i hope so because i would rather get her than some stranger .

then the very next day my cousin calls me and tells me that she has been robbed and that she called our rich aunt to ask for assistance and she laughed at her. and when she asked her if she could get her train card she told her that she was upstairs and the card was downstairs and she had already put her feet up (what in the world) so yeah, now i have to figure out how i can wire my cousin some money so she can get on the train so that she can get to her new job.

the Devil is always busy even when you are resting, believe that. but i refuse to give him my joy in 2009. so as i bring this to a close, i dust my shoulders off and say this:

mental illness is on the rise and the longer it goes untreated, the more severe it becomes. please people if you need help get it...there is no shame in that. we all have problems, some more than others and who's to say what's gonna make you snap. we have to stop turning blind eyes to things especially when children are involved.

forward movement...one luv

Enuf to Get A Nigga Cut

Okay so I am not one for violence. Yeah, I had to snicker at that one too.. Okay, but for real, I am not for violence any more. That was the old me...and sometimes the Devil tries to bring Shaniqua Shay-Shay Monifah Smith from the grave, but I refuse to let him knock me off my square...BUT there are times when he comes close

So the other day I was talkn to my cuzzin who was upset and well believe me you when I tell you that she had every right not only to be upset but to be PISSED THE FLICK OFF. She had gotten an email that morning from some chick telling her and 6 other ladies that the man they thought was EXCLUSIVELY theirs was no only her fiance' (meaning soon to be walking down the aisle after marriage counseling was over fiance') but he was a NASTY LOW DOWN LYING ON HIS MAMA AND CHILDREN NASTY HO'. (did I say NASTY)

Before I go on with my rant I must say that kudos go out to the lady who sent the email because that's what she proved to be a "lady," she didn't come at them all sidewides and talking out of her neck...she talked like I wish more ladies would talk, like they have some common sense (which would mean that you couldn't or shouldn't get mad at the OTHER lady or LADIES in this case because they don't owe you a thang)

So anyways this Nigga gots the nerve to be having unprotected sex with all of them. What The World?!? He got one of them preggo. I am just praying that while he was swapping body juices that he wasn't swapping anything else. This Nigga was handing out engagement rings like they were fruit loops. This Nigga had told several of the ladies that his mama had died; well the Resurrection must have taken place without my knowledge because this Crackho' (disclaimer: don't know if she really a crackho' but she acting like one so imma call her one) comes a running out her house when two of the ladies went there to comfort the NASTY NIGGA talking about which one of the "B" out there threatening her son.

Now this how I know God is Good...oh, so Good all the time... See had it been me, the Devil wouldn't had to push no buttons to bring lil Shay Shay out of me because I would have ran up on both of them and did a RAMBO, artillery and all. But the Good Book states we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear and that's why I got to hear this instead of live it.

So this Nasty No Good LYING NO JOB HAVING LIL STICK (disclaimer don't know this for sure but he is overweight and typically overweight guys walk with lil sticks) PIMPLED FACED NASTY WASTE OF SPERM is hiding somewhere in the DMV area and I am gonna find him. Why do I want to? Well I think it's wrong of him to miss the party that I am throwing in his honor.

Dial Soap stays on sell, 12 bars for 2 bucks and a pack of long white socks you can get from the dollar store..

Swing batter batter batter swing...and believe me all 8 ladies shouldn't miss him.


But the thing that upset me the most about this situation was the fact that WOMEN were helping him get away with his lies to all of these women. the CRACKHO' and his girl best friends were all covering for him and that just baffles and frustrates me.

Why do we as women raise lil boys to become men that we wouldn't want for ourselves or for our daughters. Why would we allow a dude do to another woman what we wouldn't want done to ourselves. Betta yet, fellows: why would you do to a lady what you would hurt someone for if they did it to any of your female relatives?

We gots to do better.

Gots so much on the mind a good way to release some steam

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people


10. It's funny that you always 'sick' when my child is having some type of function.
9. Just because you spray immediately after you take a dunk doesn't mean your do-do don't stink..
8. Funny you always gots stuff to say about other people but you fail to see the chaos going on in your own house
7. Just because your booty-gold ain't worth the sperm that created him doesn't mean you have a right to take your frustration out on everybody else...suck it up, you made him.
6. Last time I checked, all the bills that came to this residence had Truthz's name on it so no, really, i don't give a rat's behind about what you think about how i run my household.
5. Sweetie, my bad for making you believe you were all that...figured you already knew you were trash and I was just trying to do my part in uplifting the black men
4. Trust and believe if I said it, I said it...now what are you gonna do about it?
3. I don't care how many chairs and how many new phones you buy, when I find me a better job, I'm outta here.
2. Don't tempt me.
1. I'm sorry.


9 Things about yourself


9. I am super-sensitive
8. I am afraid of commitment because I have been hurt so much.
7. There are days when I just want to give up
6. Most days, I hate being a parent
5. I am so tired of doing it by my lonesome
4. I am reaping what I have sown
3. I suffer from depression
2. I used to be in love with this dude named Safeway
1. I am so in love with God

8 Ways to win my heart

8. love me
7. befriend me
6. love yourself
5. be carefree esp. when I'm not
4. respect me
3. cherish me
2. make me feel like I am the most important person in your life next to God whenever we are together
1. miss me

7. Things that Cross my mind a lot

7. I wonder will I ever get another chance at real love
6. I wonder if it really was real love
5. I wonder if he cheated on me with that crazy girl
4. Why do people think it's okay to be nasty to people for no reason at all
3. Will I ever find a job that pays me enough so that I can actually buy groceries on a regular
2. Why did it take me so long to do what I knew I should have done all along
1. Why people like playing with other people hearts


6 Things I do before I go to sleep

6. Tell my child to go pee
5. Tell my child to get in the bed
4. pray
3. stare off into space daydreaming
2. trying to find an unsecure wireless to pirate off of
1. feed Joe the fish


5 People I couldn't live without

5. My Unc D
4. My Child
3. My cuzzo RaeRae cuz without her I couldn't live with My Child
2. My Ace
1. My Heart



4 Things I am wearing right now


4. a do rag
3. pantyhose with a marathon in it
2. a sweater
1. a bra


3 Songs that fit my life perfectly

3. My sunshine
2. Blackberry Molasses
1. Fine

2 Things I want to do before I die

2. Get baptised
1. Find True happiness



1 Confession

1 I used to go to sleep hoping that i never woke up

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly of 2008

I must first start off by saying that I am so thankful for the small things in life...things that I at times have overlooked. Like, I am thankful that I have an uncle that loves me unconditionally, whether I am engaging in something that is good, bad, or ugly. I love yah Unc and I thank Jah for you everyday. I am thankful to be able to open my eyes each day with the opportunity of making that day better than the day before. There were times when I placed no value on life and could care less about if I had another day to make it right...but now that I AM MAKING POSITIVE TRANSFORMATIONS I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to grow in maturity to understand that I cannot be indifferent about everything, esp. life.

'08 was a beast of a year. There were things that brought me to my knees, like losing my cousin to breast cancer and just watching how selfish and inconsiderate people are even when tragedy strikes.

Like hearing the news that B-Man had died and seeing that all the money in the world couldn't save him or Issac, reenforcing the fact that money can't buy you love, life, class, or morals.

I really came into my own in '08 and learn the power of forgiveness...it's a shame when you hold a grudge against yourself. I knew that the only thing constant was change but I didn't quite remember change being so hard. We always know what the right and the PC thing to do, but somethings it's so gosh darn hard to do it, esp. when we have been doing the opposite for so long.

I finally stopped giving God my butt to kiss and started giving him my LIFE to bless. It's crazy how control crazy we can become that we don't even allow God to do what HE wants to do for us. I was a master at given HIM a problem and then taking it back...well I have gotten into the habit now of giving it to HIM and telling HIM that it's HIS to keep...and in the '09 I plan to perfect this technique because it's so easy for me to slip back into doing things my way even though they never quite worked out how I anticipated or wanted them to.


2pac asked a very valid question: how long will they mourn me? and the answer is: the ones that don't love you won't mourn you at all and the ones that do will mourn you until they have learn to live without you... for some this may take weeks or months and for others it may take years....

i have been mourning the death of myself for 9 years now and well my weeping well has finally run dry. and it's no coincidence that it ran dry right when i had finally came to grips with the fact that the me that i used to be is long gone but the me that i can be has yet to be written. for so long i have been waiting on something to happen for me...for me to get a decent paying job, for me to find a decent man with a decent paying job, for somebody who promised to get me a tennis bracelet to actual get it, for me to get this and get that and well, i am done with waiting in the '09 it will be about me getting.