i had a lightbulb moment

so this morning i was carrying on a convo in my head with Safeway (naw, i ain't crazy)
it's just easier sometimes for me to have convo with him in my head before i actually have them with him..that way i can think thru my responses. or actually replay a convo we had that didn't fare so well and figure out why.. why is it that when he puts me on the spot or in the hot seat do i shut down or just say some outta the way stuff to send him on his way.

so like i said in another post Safeway and i have been speaking, nothing serious just having POLITE conversation. anyways, i was trying to express why i had been treating him the way i had been treating him as of late and then why the 360. see, i sent him a letter telling him to stop contacting me, period. to stop sending me forwards, stop forwarding dumb texts, stop sending me one of his mass messages, just to leave me alone. now, i am in no form, shape or fashion over this boy BUT i need to be. and i needed him to stop interfering with my life. i needed him to give me space to breathe and to allow me to deal with him on my terms and on my time. it sounds selfish and maybe it is, but his arbitrary contact in my life was causing me major problems.. i was so angry with him and needed to know why...to see if it was another classic case of misplaced anger.

so on new year's eve this negro sends me a text at 10 something talking happy new year and i'm like enuf is enuf. so i txt him back 'delete my number' and i that's what i wanted him to do. delete my number, delete me, delete us.

so the weeks go by and chaos is surrounding me but my mind is so clear..like everything is making sense. everything i need to do...everything i need to stop doing, etc. i enroll my child in b-ball which is an entire post in itself..i go skating for the first time since 1995.. i talk to my mother in probably the closest to 'respectful' manner since i was like 6. i allow myself to be caught up in someone else's drama but not to the point that it cripples me and stops my progress. so i'm like, you on a roll...how about tackling Safeway. how about dealing with that face on. so, i call him and he's like yeah, let me call u back

so now i'm like okay...is he going to call me back or is he on getback...and then i dismiss the thoughts as quickly as they appear because it really doesn't matter. and that's a victory for me cuz i typically WASTE about 10 min going over why he can't talk to me..wondering about what it is that he is/isn't doing at the time and so forth. and when he does call back, i am shocked.

shocked because i had forgotten that i had called him and because he seems so HAPPY to talk to me. and yeah he gives it to me about calling him after telling him to stop calling me..stating that i mean that he can only talk to me when i am good and ready to talk to him...yadda yadda yadda. and well i talk with him and i feel good. not affected really. when i got off the phone my mood was still the same it was before he called. i did call him right back because i needed to say something to him. (how ironic SAY is now playing on the radio) i called him back and said this...not exactly all of what i needed to say but most of it.

i just called back because i want you to know that i still love you and i am still in love with you. so the things that i did were never because i didn't love you. i was mad with you and mad with myself. i was mad with myself for loving you so much and mad with you for allowing me to love you so much. but now i'm okay with knowing that i loved you and am ready to accept things as they are... i just don't know why i was mad about loving you but i was...

his response, 'ditto... *chuckle* naw, yeah, i still love you too'

so this brings me back to where and why i started this post. this morning i woke up pondering why it was that when we both told each other that we loved them that we got timid..or maybe shy or whatever it is that we get... i told him that i felt vulnerable or scared or something ...and why i was trying to find the missing piece that would solve this question, another question popped into my mind that Safeway had asked me awhile back 'did i think he cheated on me' my response to him at the time was that i didn't care yadda yadda yadda (yeah i cared but it didn't matter if i cared or not at the time because we were beefing)

so in my head i told him that it was 'complicated' because when we were together i didn't think he was cheating on me or would cheat on me because he loved me... then when we were beefing i was like he didn't cheat on me because he didn't have the time and he was scared i would Lorraina him and he wouldn't do that in his people's house (yeah i know..wet behind the ears)... then when we were threw i was like 'Hmm, you don't need that much time to cheat and i now know what his peoples don't know he ain't gonna tell so maybe he did but it's nothing i can do about it now, but yeah it's possible'

so i am now literally looking myself in the eyes (i'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth) and asking why can't you just believe he was faithful and leave it at that? and the reality was this: if i believe that he was faithful and he actually wasn't then that would be a bad reflection on my character. that it would show that i was gullible, silly, stupid, THAT GIRL..you know the girl, the one all in love with her dude when everybody, including her mama and his mama, know that he ain't nothing but some trash and that he doing her dirty. but the reality of it is this: i can only control me and most days i don't do a good job at that becuz Shanequa La Shay Shay be coming out all free and nilly regardless of where I am..be in court, judge's chambers, police car what have you...she come out and let you have it. (rumor has it, she a lil hostile) so if he did cheat on me or disrespect me in anyway, that is a reflection on his character not mine. and the fact that i loved him with all of my might and it didn't work out doesn't mean anything either...just means that i am capable of loving someone more than i love T.I. and Michael Jordan.

so for the 2009 i am going to continue to LIVE MY LIFE (gotta shout him out) and work on loving without any regrets and trusting without any regrets and if someone misuses my trust or love, that's on them...something they have to deal with not me.

one luv
smooches