find a happy place

so i have to be honest with yah, i am still not coping with everything that has taken place over the last couple of weeks. my head hurts just thinking about how this little baby is out there with i don't know who. and the funny thing is, my sister and i have NEVER been close. but, i have always done what i could to uphold my title as big sister. she has a thing for weird socks...so whenever i see weird socks and have a lil extra change in my purse, i get them for her. she likes bugs bunny, so whenever i see anything with bugs bunny on it, i get it for her.

when i found out some dude was messing with her.. i made some calls and was preparing to go a riding..

so it was only natural that when i found out she wanted to give up her babies for me to volunteer. not really so much out of love but out of obligation... and maybe out of love too.. not sure. things are so foggy right now. i've changed so much over the last year that it's hard to say why i offered my help.

i remember distinctly telling my Unc that if my parents died especially my mother that i didn't even know if i would take the time to come to the funeral let alone help with the arrangements. he told me that i would have to because i would probably be the only one that could do it..and i was like, 'she betta hope one of the three kids that she constantly buys stuff for and spends time with and do for can rub their heads together and get it done'

but now, i guess i would have to do the arrangements even if i didn't go to the funeral because i am obligated ..it's the first commandment with a promise. funny how i could care less about this before and now well, it's all that i care about.

am i living my life the way i am supposed to regardless of what the next man or woman is doing? am i forgiving those fools that irk me on purpose? am i being long-suffering with my mother who ever time i see her number i want to jump out of a window? am i being patient with a child that whines for no reason... and let me tell you, i don't get it right every single day or every single time but at least i am trying...and this is why i will keep trying to get through to my sister even though in my heart i feel like she should be the last person crying it's hard because i guess when you so used to having everything done for you that it is hard when you are forced to stand on your own come what may

i feel the urge to ramble so i will close here...maybe tomorrow i will feel up to talk about my convo today with safeway