when the suga really ain't sweet

so i just finished watching Brown Sugar and I am crying my eyes out. I don't know how i am going to survive watching Rent this Wednesday. I will have to take the mega roll of Charmin with me. Yeah, i am a crier. I cry every time i watch E.T. and at the same parts... i be up in this piece talking about, "don't die E.T., don't die!" but i was feeling lonely before i watched Brown Sugar, which i don't think did that well at the box office because it was released after my all-time favorite Love and Basketball... anyways back to what i was saying, i was feeling lonely and now i am feeling even lonelier. movies suck! i thought they were supposed to be based on some form of reality. but if that was the case, i would be married to my childhood love by now... i have a friend that i love to death and he will always have my heart. in highschool peeps used to joke that we would get married cuz we always fought. but we didn't. yet he knows that i love him and that would never change, even when i get married. (gotta keep hope alive) i remember how i called him right after i was raped. i called him at 3 something in the morning and was like, "yo, can you meet me under the clock at the main library?" he was like," what's this about?" and i couldn't tell him because i didn't want him to be disappointed in me. weird, huh? i mean i had been making a lot of poor choices right before then, like sleeping with a homeless man. But to my defense he didn't look or smell homeless when i met him. and the fact that he was hung like an elephant's trunk made up for the fact that he lived in an abandon building. oh, memories, how many of us have them? but anyways back to my Boo, i couldn't tell him so he didn't meet me, but when i did tell him, he was so loving. he was like,"why didn't you tell me this morning, i mean you had already woken me up, you know i would've been there if you told me this was what was going on." and he would have. just like he called me everyday for like the next month a billion times more than he usually did to make sure i was feeling Safe. because the fact of the matter is, we can be in the most secure neighborhood in the world and if we don't feel safe, it's like we are in the worse neighborhood in the world. but i say all of this to say that if Brown Sugar was real i would be marrying this fool or some rich fool, but i am not. i am just sitting here wondering at what age should i just give the marrying dream up?



then there is this thing that i had been pondering that Brown Sugar sort of gloss over. can people from two different worlds ever live happily ever after? i mean, i am getting ready to get Paid if all things work out like they should, so does this mean that i have to stop trying to get with my Eduthug? you know a thug who is educated? all i ask for is that you have a diploma and some type of skill that you are getting paid for. Stripping does not count. I mean i love me some Luv but we aren't really anything alike. He lived that street life. me, i lived it but didn't live it. i had the protection of several gangs but i didn't gang-bang. but i had heart and would put someone down for messing with someone i loved, BUT i knew that i would never have to, because i was protected and wasn't allowed to get my hands dirty. i had to get real ignorant to get the greenlight to pull the trigger on my cousin's baby daddy. Luv, he was the one toting and protecting others like me, protecting ones they didn't want getting dirt on their hands. i live for investing. Luv thought investing meant buying lotto tickets every friday. so i am just wondering, would it have worked? would it have been possible for us to find a world (outside of the bedroom) between the street life glam and professional life i am courting right now?



or am i to leave my dream of marrying a regular blue-collar worker for the big screen and start looking for a Luv among my ranks?