Transition

Normally around this time i get really depressed because it is the anniversary of the events that led up to my rape and to my pregnancy with twins.

It isn't really the rape that gets to me so much as it is the fact that i began mourning the death of who i used to be. Not to say before the rape I wasn't confused and unhappy and lonely, because I was. However, I wasn't so indecisive and so nonchalant about everything. I had compassion for everyone and tried to see the good in everyone. Now, I am very cold with people I meet. I am mean and skeptical when I was once trusting and nice. I believe everyone has an alterior motive as to why they are trying to befriend me. And sadly to say, most of them do.



Nevertheless, I miss the old me. The me that let everything slide off my back and kept on trucking. The me that had a passion for life. The me that I knew inside and out. Now, I don't know what's going to set me off. What's gonna make me happy or sad. I mean beside E.T. dying.


Anyways, when I had found out that I was pregnant w/ twins I was so elated. Why, well because it's something about being told that you are getting two for the price of one. And then too, it was the fact that the doctors told me that I would never ever be able to conceive naturally and probably wouldn't be successful going the alternative route either. So for me to get pregnant naturally with not one but two babies, I was elated. So elated that I decided to change the way I dressed and looked. I had been doing the tomboy thing for 21 years and was quite content BUT i thought that it was time for me to start looking if not like a lady, like someone's mama at least. I went out and bought some almost gurly clothes. Instead of my 24 waist sporting 34-36 waist jeans, they sported 28. And instead of sporting men shirts or sweat tops, i got some xL girly tees. I tried the makeup but couldn't get the eye thing right....anyways after my babies died i went back to the ghetto fab. tomboy look and have stayed there. that was almost six years ago.



so i guess what i am saying is, now it's time for me to start looking like a girl, even if not a girly girl. as i change the inner me, i figured i should work on the outer me as well. but i don't know where to start, or where to shop. i don't want to totally give up the gym shoes and loose pants but i am starting to feel out of place when i go out w/ my gurls and they dressed like girls and i am dressed like i am about to go to the gym. what's a girl to do.


i will edit later, my computer is on the brink so i just hurriedly typed this on my friend's computer.