Clarifying Frustrations pt.1

Out with the old, in with the NEW



so here it goes, i am gonna get rid of some more of my OLD baggage by clarifying some things.


The Plan:

the plan was so crystal clear, seemed like we had worked out every detail, went over every possible problem and situation and so there was nothing to do but put the plan in motion. so we humped and humped and humped and humped and even when we were painfully tired, we humped even more.... but still no success. i was at the point of giving up. i had to accept the reality of the situation, we were never going get me pregnant. i guess the twins were a fluke. i had to face the facts after a year and a half of trying, i wasn't going to conceive and maybe it was for the best; no good could come from having a married man's child.... even if he wanted me to have his baby so that he could stroke his EGO and say that he was the one who took my pain away.

he said that i was always so sad around the anniversary of the twins

he said you could see the sadness in my eyes

that it cut you with a knife

and seemed as if it was never going to end

he said that he believed that by giving me a child

he would be giving me the best gift in the world

and he would be easing my pain

and putting an end to my constant sadness

what he didn't understand was

that another life couldn't even began to replace

the life of the two i had so violently fought for

and so painfully lost

what he didn't understand was that the sadness

he sought to stomp out like a burning flame

had been simmering for too long

long before i breathed life into the twins

and that it would forever reside in my eyes

until i looked upon the things that really caused me pain

just when i had given up all hope that i wouldn't feel that warm sensation in my heart, it happened. i remember the day we conceived the little one, it was LUV's birthday and we were fighting like dogs and made up like ones in heat. then like clockwork, i started getting sick. i was in the hospital everyday. i went in at around 6 and left around 11 pm just in time for me to punch in for work. this was my nightly routine. so while i tried to think happy thoughts, i couldn't help but having that deja vu feeling...not this again. but i tried to stay positive and went over the plan with Luv once again in hopes that our baby would make it.

I would have sole custody of our child

his reason: um, he was married

mine: i wanted to control my child's future

I would not take him for child support

his: i am a man, i don't need the system to tell me to take care of mine

mine: i wanted sole custody of my child to ensure he would have a fighting

chance with his future

He would not have LUV's last name

His: um cuz he was married (lol)

mine: because i felt it only right to get the credit for my hard work

He would have a relationship with his father

his: because it was a boy and it was about Ego and he loved his kids

mine: i didn't have one with mine and didn't want my son to hate me when he got

older if i got in the way of him knowing his father

he wouldn't know his siblings

his: he didn't want too many peeps to know

mine: i was against esp. seeing oldest and the next to youngest knew about us

support

his: he would help me out when ever he could

mine: i would do what i had to do to take care of mine and hoped he lived up to

his word if i fell short

the plan in action

so the boy gets here and i have sole custody because no father is placed on my child's birth certificate. so he gets my last name....his father comes to see him once or twice a week...he tells his oldest child about her lil brother and she plots so that two of her siblings find out too. she also calls her aunts and tell them. don't file for child support, continue working to take care of mine... the wife leaves, files for divorce..when she decides to come back, Luv tells her about his new addition..he sees My Son once a month. all siblings know and some have a relationship with me and MY Son...now wants My Son to have his last name to carry on his lineage. since birth has bought him a ten dollar outfit and the 3.99 foam numbers. doesn't see My Son unless i bring him past his job or he over here trying to get my panties (so maybe twice a month). i don't have his numbers, only work, so if My Son gets sick after four, i have no way of getting in touch with him. i am not working, going to school, so struggling doesn't began to sum it up. offered to start bringing MY Son to his barber so they can have a relationship independent of me....sure as long as i pay for it...

i say all of this to say, i know it is important for My Son to have a relationship with his father and have put up with a lot to make sure it happens but sometimes, you have to know when to fold them, when to lay them down and walk away