a new day is dawning...or is it setting

so how do you know when it's time to really let go? how do you get the courage to walk away from something that's really gots a hold on you? how do you turn your present situation into a past one?

so Luv has been the love of my life for some time, now... i think about how i was before him...before the rape and i look at what i have become... i don't like myself... But i know that i can change from the monster i've become...cuz i am a monster...many don't see it cuz i have no need to show it..
i think about how i was sleeping with a married man...hmph...
i remember how ashamed i was at first...then the shame left as the love grew....i never onced tried to justify our relationship...i never once tried to pretty it up or make it seem like what we were doing was right...i never stopped hoping something would happen and he would be mine...sure, he never told me he was leaving his wife...but he knew i wanted him too...he knew, he ain't blind...he could see it in my eyes. he knew that i would sacrifice just about everything for him...my self-esteem ( what lil i had left), my well-being, my financial security...whatever...anything for him because he was MYBOO...now look at him. over there chumping it up with his wife, laughing at me... but still calling me on the side telling me he has made the biggest mistake possible..telling me how he still loves me and how he wants to be with me...you know saying all the right things...but some how all the right words don't mean much to me...yeah, i've slipped up twice...and hopefully that is where it stops...i can't love Luv any more and I can't love Dirty any more becuz i'm not sure it's love but rebound...but esp Luv...Luv knows he has my heart...he knows he is my heart...in my mind we connected on so may levels...he was my soulmate... do you know how it feels to love without restriction, without inhibitions, without regards for self? do you... do you know how it feels when the love sends you crashing to the ground???

anyways...it has to stop right now...me and Luv...it has to stop....
if you know what i'm going through and can send me any advice...please do so...yah know how..

if you want to be somebody....

emptiness
confusion
misconception
or is it perception
tiredness
tiredness....
exactly
crystalstair
never
living within means
physically
psychologically
literally
now is the time

so i talked to Wisdom...my sister of my soul...the one that gives me the raw logic as it unfolds...and her words spoke life into my nearly empty soul. what did she say that had such a profound impact upon my life?

"you need to forget about everyone else and focus on you...your problem is that you are too nice, you like to help people, BABYGIRL, you can't help anyone right now and that's okay.......accept things for what they are, don't beat yourself up about it..."

this was in response to my statements about my slip...and then my double-dip back...and also about my statement that sometimes the class issues is so great, you can't achieve your dreams because you get lost in the sauce, esp. if your pockets don't run deep...

Wisdom told me to stick it out and get focused...to get focused on me and make everyone secondary to the point that whatever's going on in their life, it won't hinder me from getting done what i need to get done...emotionally, physically or mentally.. that was good stuff i needed some tough love...someone to tell me to get up off my tail and do what i needed to do and cry later..

i am reinventing myself...cuz things grow and people change....so it's time for me to change...

i need to cut some more peeps outta my life, if only for right now so that i can make it to that next plateau... and it's gonna be hard becuz i really do genuinely care about people esp. the peeps that i let into my circle... so i guess Drama and Queen along with LUV and Dirty will have to go...this is going to be very hard for me... to cut-off my kids and the loves of my life... but it has to be done...their negativity and drama and confusion are destroying my peace of mind...

i have been dreaming of LUV and i don't think his wife would appreciate my dreams...
i have been dreaming of Dirty....but like i told him, he is not the person for me...my head knows this, why doesn't my heart?
my kids are stressing me because they are going to wind up working at some minimum-wage job with minimum education just because they refuse to believe they deserve better and that they can achieve better..

i found another confidant...weird huh? cuz i don't trust new people... i am so guarded with my thoughts and feelings because people are so shaddy nowadays... but Mirrors is cool and they are going through things too...cuz you know whether we show it, say it, or act it out...we are all going through stuff. i don't think Mirrors will share my thoughts nor do i think SimplyNice will....cuz if they do i will cut them...
a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

we fall down...but we can get up...right?

the second time is the charm...
the second time is the charm....
i know what you are thinking
but hear what i am speaking
i was told that if you claim it
it shall be
so the second time is the charm
lord knows it shouldn't be a third

so you are probably like what and the world are you talking about and i am like...whoa...i slipped and busted my head...again.

so i saw Dirty and i do mean that i saw Dirty ....so now i have come to the conclusion that i need to let Dirty see MD without me or we are gonna be singing ASWELAY all over again and I DO NOT want that... i don't

today i was told that i am a woman that loves too much...and women who love too much always picks the same kind of man..a needy one or one that is in a relationship already...they were telling me this as they were wiping the sweat off their brow from ........

anyways as i was saying...Dirty and I can not be friends...not now...i finally realize that my powertrip with MD has to stop esp. seeing i am trying to progress over here... i have learned a lot today about myself and i am ready to put some plans into motion...it's a beautiful thing when you stare yourself in the eye and don't look away for fear of what you may see.

i have to let go and if peeps don't follow...then that's on them...i can no longer be afraid of not being loved by those in my innercircle... i don't judge them...unless it is a fashion mishap...i mean please someone has to tell them what the deal is...lol....but i love them to death...and i guess it is time to see how deep is their love...time to walk the burning sands...

maya angelou said if a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time... luv showed me on several occassions who he was and i refused to believe him...so that was my bad...not his...he showed me who his loyalty layed with....so young, so dumb, not the case ...just so unloved, so vulnerable...but i am taking back control over my life and giving it to the Almighty

i will edit and add more later...got something elseto do right now

who am i..that is the question

what is my deepest fear?

the possibility that someone will see me for who i really am...a scared little kid, just looking for someone to love them...someone who isn't a strong as they think....

why do i talk in circle?

most don't notice that i do..but it's to keep people at arm's length so that they can't hurt me..

what do i wish people would realize?

that even the strongest of the strong have weak moments..

what do i regret most?

not following my mind at all times..and allowing my heart to lead instead

what is the one thing i have always wished to have but probably never will attain?

a big happy family

words i would use to describe myself...well most of the times i am very reliable, dependable, trustworthy, loving, considerate, empathetic, and honest as long as you are not a guy i am dealing with

things i dislike about myself...i have really turned into a combination of my mother and my father...i am a mean tyrant at times...and then at others i am nagging, weak, conniving lost soul...

my pet peeves...people who lie esp. for no reason...people who tell my business, esp. when they didn't even hear the information first hand...or even if they did, it's not their business to tell... it's funny because i didn't even let my mother know i had started my period until a year after because i knew she would tell everyone....so when she found out...joke was on her....everyone i wanted to know, already did... people who tell me what i they think i want to hear instead of what i need to hear...people who mistreat children either by manipulating them, neglecting, not educating them, not loving them, misleading them, lying to them, using them, and by abandoning them...people who manipulate others on their own for selfish reasons...

i have been thinking how pathetic my family is...how divided they used to keep us...how Outkast used to sit the lighter grandchildren in one room away from the darker ones...funny...when her husband's peeps snubbed her because of her color you would've thought this would be the last thing she would do.... i think how everyone made Average believe she was the shiznit to the point everyone was competing for her attention...i think about how Twofaced used to tell us that noone was our friends that they were just out to use you...that everyone talked about you behind your back and smiled in your faces...I remember how ColdasIce used to talk badly about TheMan... residuals of slavery....chains and links and whips that never seem to get broken...I think about how i was told i was this and Switchmaster was told they were that and we looked exactly alike...I remember how Highandmighty rubbed her arrogance and siddity taste and style in everyone's face...unknowingly...i remember a lot and i guess a lot of what i remember is why i am the way i am today...

i need to call Thumper and apologize...i need to apologize to Luv...I need to apologize to Dirty...i need to apologize to every man i have ever trapped in my web of confusion....i have been looking for a daddy....but now it is time for me to grow up...my childhood has come and gone a long time ago...some things you never can get back... i think about my child's name sake...and i feel loved, even if only for a short moment..

i miss my babies...its funny, even if you try to forget, the body always remember...

even while i am feeling somewhat downhearted...i still remember how blessed i am..it could have turned out much worse...i could be like BrokenShoe....getting all the help in the world and too selfish and ignorant to use the help to better myself versus using the people trying to help me.

today i will start praying for forgiveness...forgiveness for my inability to forgive all those who have wronged and hurt me.

When over ain't really over

it's over, that's final
that's what i keep telling myself
knowing deep down in my heart
that it wasn't and never would be
how can you part with your heart
it's not like cutting off your arm
or losing a limb as a casuality to war
how do you part with your heart
how do you make it cease to beat
for the one who made you aware
that it beat in the first place
you can't, at least for now
while you still have breath in your lungs
and blood pumping through your veins
you can't, so until then
it will never be over

so i had a major setback...i saw Luv...a lot of him...more than i should have...what is it with us...is it lust? or is it really love? i'm not sure...but it seems like every six or seven months we find ourselves back in each others arms...knowing good and well that we wrong...dead wrong...but this time was different...the sparks and the hotness was still there...but it was different...maybe it was the glare off the new jewelry...maybe it was my conscious saying Honey, we can't go back here again...but Luv said one last time...lol...something i used to get him w/....but this has to be one last time because our time here is getting short...i'm not sure if you been paying attention to the signs...but yeah, it's about to be a done deal pretty soon and i want to be on the winning side...

so now i have to nip Luv in the bud before it blossoms to my destruction...weaknesses...we all have them...we just don't all have peeps who like to exploit them... i know where my heart is...but my heart may stay there forever...but my mind and my spirti and my soul must move on...even if it has to physically move...i have to do what i have to do...because i have faith that someone special who can apprectiate me for me will be sent my way...

my anger...i have to work on that...i have to relax relate and release...it's funny becuz Nearsighted and I had a conversation and they can't see why over-helping is such a bad thing...and it's funny that i can see it for her but can't see it for myself... i think i have overhelped the Boys in my life which is why they never can appear to be Men in my eyes...so from now on, i have to let them fall where they may if we don't have papers on each other...

i am searching for peace....hopefully one day soon, i will find it.

i knew it from the beginning so why does it matters...

this will be a short entry because i am sleepy....
LUv didn't call ...i knew he wouldn't
do why am i sad?
why does it even matter if he called
or not
maybe because i was still hoping that i was maybe his heart
but i guess he has moved on
and i don't matter any more...
how do you deal with the pain when
love doesn't live there any more

Luving ain't always easy

The love we shared was so strong,
yet oh so wrong...
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense
not to my heart
that still changes its beat
when you are near
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense....
not to my heart
which skips a beat
when it hears your voice
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense
not to my heart
that pounds loudly
when it picks up your scent
i get it now but,
it still doesn't make sense...
not to my heart,
that flutters excitedly
in anticpation of the love
that is supposed to happen next
but instead of love,
there is hatred and lies
and instead of sweet smells
i get a whiff of BS
and instead of kind words
i get bitterness laced with more lies
and instead of closeness
i finally realize how far apart
we really are
it finally makes sense
my heart gets it now,
you weren't mine to keep
so now it has cease to beat


I talked with Luv today...actually i went to see him...had some things i need to get off my chest...No, Shortay, it wasn't my bra. I told him how angry i was with him...how i felt betrayed...and he feed me what???? more lies...i don't know ...i have built this wall around me and you know it's allergic to BS...so when i started choking and gagging ...i figured it was due to the smoke he was trying to blow up my butt and not to the Mickey D's i was stuffing down my throat.... i keep thinking abouting Waiting to Exhale....you know, it hurt so bad...yeah...it hurts like hell... love sucks...so does Luv...so he asking if he can call me later tonight.... i told him yeah...y, cuz he ain't gonna call..y...cuz he wants me...y cuz i am the best darn thing that has walked into his life...but i need to ask him things cuz i don't want to b alone all my life... i need someone to leave the kids with...i need to ask him abt the good things i brought to the relationship and ofcourse what were the bad...now, if he says my mouth was the bad thing...everyone is out of luck...cuz that ain't changing...iam going to say what i gots to say and that is that...and if i have to...i will cut somebody to get my point across...

i am so stressed...i am doing the best i can..but sometimes your best ain't good enough...i remember when i used to be laughing at Shaquan telling me how she be sitting at home banging her head against the wall, literally, because she needed a break...if i didn't think MacDaddy, and R2d2 and SlowMama would follow suit, i would proceed to knocking a huge whole into my wall...

i have been praying a lot...cuz a sistah needs guidance...it's funny how my life changed when i stopped doing things God's way...i didn't realize how protected i was... i thought i was missing out on something by not having sex with a lot of guys and not smoking weed...and getting drunk and...let me stop...cuz i never wanted to get drunk or smoke weed and never have...okay...seeing that i am drunk after a half of a drink..that doesn't count...i have been sipping on this margarita my gurl gave me last week all week ...i swear i be getting up w/ a hang over...

i have a lot of life changes to make...i am poor and i have finally realized that some things in life you just can't do if you don't have the financial backing...so i maybe stepping away from what i am doing now and venturing down another path...i am tired of struggling

oh...and i am jealous not envious...lol...

not even jealous that it aint't me ...just mad that my dreams haven't become a reality...but i guess i should be glad that i didn't get the ten kids i wanted...almost...but not quite..

so right now i am hoping that if i get my life on track that everything else will fall into place...
if not...i am determined not to stray off the course that i am on...because even though i am not where i want to be...i am almost at peace with myself

did i say i hold grudges??? well i do ...and at this point i want to forgive all of my friends whom i may have a grudge against...but seeing i don't have a grudge against any of my friends...it doesnt
een matter at all...nothing even matters at all

The apple don't fall too far from the tree

maybe she like her mama...maybe she like her father...
well it seems that i am a lil like everybody i wasn't trying to be like...and that's a big problem...maybe that's y i dont like myself half the time...maybe that's y i am starting to doubt myself...maybe that's y i am always running and falling for the wrong guys...


well, i have a lot going on right now...the doctor says im in the early stages of going blind....i haven't told anyone really because i don't want to be pitied...and then i am stubborn as all outdoors and i hold grudges...what does that have to do with anything...well...if u ain't been making an effort to talk to me and find out how i have been doing..don't do it now

reminds of the time when Rosemary gon spread the rumore that i was hemorraging and peeps started calling w/ their crazy good bye messages... and one in particular made me so pist off...i am a fire cracker by nature but i was lit... Throwdarock gonna call and say... I forgive u and I love u... i was like u forgive me...heafa puleeze...u ain't God...i don't need your forgiveness..u can take that to the bank!!!!

i am wondering if i am failing as a parent...as a person...as a friend...
i know that i have to b cautious when disciplining my kids becuz i come from a long line of child abusers...but today, i was thinking about all the beat downs i rec'd and it was like...that pain was long gone...the pain that remains is the bruises from all of the psychological BS i had to put up with ....all the name calling...all the yelling...all the bitterness and hatred that flow from words...i have to b mindful of what i speak becuz lately i have sounded as mean as my father when i talk to the kid... i don't mean to...it's just that i am so tired and so frustrated with my situation.

the thing is when people put it into their mind that you are a strong individual simply because you are able to stand strong in the face of adversity...the forget, that even the strongest of the strong get weak sometimes and need a helping hand, or a shoulder to lean on...or an ear for venting...or some tissue for wiping away all the snot after a much needed cry... Thanks Bamamama...u have been the greatest...and i promise when i get it...u got it as well...

funny, i have spent most of my life running away....now i have no where to run...no where to hide...so i might as well turn around and face my demons and be done with it...the good the bad...the ugly

i was trying to tell OLDskool that i regreted my decision to get involved with LUv and they were not having it...they got allself righteous and everything...didn't even want to hear me out...what i am saying is, that this is one choice i shouldn't have made...regardless of what resulted from it...we were dead wrong and we knew it...and we didn't care...now look at us...bitter enemies most of the times...y...cuz we know that it will never b the same between us...and we know that we can never go down that path again..but it's like the lust is still there...something cuz when we see each other its so much tension...either we flirt or we are really nasty to one another...

Luv...hmmph..i never want to be that gone again...never...not unless they that gone too and we married...and rich...so when i send him packing...half will be looking real nice..

i guess that is it for now...im really missing my friends...all of them...they complete me...that's on the real...

It feels good...yeah...it feels good...uh uh baby...

it felt really good to be opening up to someone... i have been so overloaded with my thoughts since Luv's departure that i don't know what to do...he liked all of my peeps except PC cuz she straight played him big time...she hurt his feelings and i allowed it becuz i guess what she was speaking i was feeling sorta too.

CB's mama always used to tell me "if you like steak, don't get with a man that can only give you hotdogs!" I used to think that was so mean...that money didn't mean everything ...and if u love someone and all he could get u was hotdogs so be it...LMBO...but now that the reality bug has biten me about a gazillion times...i know it does matter...cuz i am sick and tired of this struggling game....and it's funny becuz i have not attracted a man yet with some money...that's on the real...the richest of them all has been Shortbus, my clothes would stay dirty if it wasn't for him keeping me supplied with quarters.

i have a huge decision to make...once again i say i have a huge decision to make...though i welcome feedback, comments, suggestions, this still has to be all me cuz i am the one who has to live with it later on.

i have to decide what to do about Dirty and Midget D... twins like i didn't do no work... i worked hard..hmmph.. anyways, i am thinking about cutting all ties...no not cutting him...lol, not that i would totally b opposed to that, but i am thinking about just letting Midget D look for Dirty when they 18. it would just be better for everything i am trying to accomplish.. if i die, not that i am planning on doing that anytime soon, but it would make a better case w/ the judge that someone besides Dirty get Midget if all ties were severed....plus, I have realized that i still have feelings for him too. and that complicates things...becuz i am about positive movement now.. i want say forward becuz sometimes u have to go back before you can go forward... so this is weighing on my heart

also the Lost Souls are on my mind...i think i need to cut them off too...i'm just not sure...so many people have cut them out of their lives and manipulated them and used them and lied to them and abused them...that i don't want to add my name to the list..and right now, i am not sure how to deal with them from an arm's length..

i think i am going to write Luv a letter explaining that we can't be friends...why...because we have too much history...wouldn't that be a killer. lol... but seriously i don't think enough time has passed on either of our parts becuz he is back to asking if he can hit...and if i wasn't serious about getting m;y life together i would be saying hell to the yeah everytime...r u feeling me... this time he would definitely have to be strapped becuz i ain't trying to catch nothing...i was in love with that man...don't know why...and probably becuz the sex was Hot...the first time i actually enjoyed it.. the other times (talking about w/ the other peeps) i was so uncomfortable with my own body and wasn't really interested in the peeps that i was dealing with that i was watching the clock to time them to see how long it took them to perform...i was a live trip cuz if they sweated to much they had to stop...

its a lot of things i need to put in perspective...get together so this dark cloud can leave from over my head...so why i am in a giving mood, u might want to ask them questions u have always wanted to know the answers to...and i promise that my answer won't b "yes, no, maybe so, nine months later i guess we'll all find out."

i am hurt Trina doesn't have time for me when i have always had time for them except for that time when they were getting too Trickdaddiest for me so i told them...i can't handle this, call me when u are done with this phase in your life....things like this are probably why i don't even bother to tell people what's going on with me...cuz it takes a lot to admit that you need help or that u don't have it all together and when u do get enough nerve to let your guard down u r told they don't have time....well that's some reality for your behind.
needless to say...they are on the love from a distance list.
oh after i send my P.I.C. a letter trying to squash what ever's up w/ us, if it doesn't work...i am done....not saying that if i see her i still won't give her much luv cuz that wouldn't be real...jsut that i am not going to be running behind her or n e one trying to make it work and they ain't putting up no effort...its worker smarter not harder...except i am going to keep worrying Thumper until he at least lets me apologize.

time to open up

im looking at the man in the mirror...oops i guess in my case it would b woman...well nevertheless, it time for me to make a change...and i think i am ready....so i guess ima tell da world y i wanna cry all of the tymes...not just sum of da time...

its funny becuz this must be the week for reflections, ephiphanies and changes...either that or everybody's on their period... n e ways... most of my peeps blogs this week has dealt w/ changes they want to make, need to make...or just their inability to open up to people or their inability to define themself or their inability to just be themself

and it was like whoa...u been feeling that all week Honey...esp when this dude was like he had to create another blog becuz he had too many peeps reading his X blog and he found that he couldn't really put out there what he was feeling...i was totally feeling him...not that those r my reasons for having multiple blogs or multiple personalities...(that was a joke...u know i am the sanest of the sane) i have multiple blogs becuz some people have no lives...and being that they have no lives, they find it amusing to put ur business on blast even though this is a public blog, it doesn't mean u need to be discussing me in another state over an IHOP breakfast talking bout...yo' Honey got her face played again...she so stupid...she so this she so that...its not for tearing me down...it for u to understand what's it's like to b me even for a second...its for u to understand y i am the way i am.

i tried to holla at Thumper and he was having no parts of it...i think my last outburst really hit home and he wants no parts of me..and its kinda sad becuz i really liked Thumper...i think...i am not sure who i like at this point in my life...i am not even sure if i like myself and that's on the real

I don't think i gave Thumper a fair shake...i think i used him to provide comfort so i didn't have to be alone with my thoughts and my true feelings....but life is real, and i am for the most part with people and i think i need to get back to being real w/ myself

see i started putting a wall up around my feelings when i was in 1st grade...i remember the incident like it was yesterday and not almost 30 years ago...but i decided that i showed my emotions too much, that i wore them on my sleeves and that if i didn't get them under control everyone was going to be hurting me... I wonder if LilZ remembers it cuz they were right there...

anyways from there i just built away.....i am always trying to reinforce that wall....I let it down for Luv and he just pulverized me...but that's because i allowed him to...
i think i was a little too needy and too agressive with Thumper...probably because i am so tired of failing when it comes to relationships...most of my friends are married or getting married...and me, i just have a trophy...and for the most part they seem happy...and i just want to be happy and to have a permanent babysitter cuz i would be out...
but i am really a homebody...like having peeps come over and play some games, dance shoot the breeze go check out a flick...have some good ol fun...i am really not for no drama, which is why i am probably so unhappy here..most people i have run across are full of drama...and they love it, hell they live for it.

well i think its time for me to admit that i am sick and tired of feeling like a motherless fatherless child...and yeah i gots a load of peeps that luv me now...but its just not the same. maybe it would have been different if i was really adopted...i wonder if NOBB and IndiV and Soul4real remembers that...but growing up with a family doesn't care about you gives you a complex...it makes u think that something is wrong w/ you...so subconsciously you are always doubting yourself and people's motive...and Luv showed me that no matter how much love a person gots for u...u stay true to your own. and i say that to say, if i was hanging on a limb and one of my peeps family was hanging on a limb, they would grab their family first and i have no one who would grab me first
and it hurt when my Other bought Useless and Exocist brand new laptops and tried to feed me lies about why she did...then gonna give me some five dollar trinket like i am child...what the hell!!!
it hurt that two of my sisters (Lilkim and Foxy) felt that they had to wait until the threat of someone else telling me something about them for them to tell me something that they had been keeping from me..not that it mattered one way or another...not that it changed how i felt about them...cuz those my DAWGS and i love the hell out of them..but it still hurt that they felt that they couldn't tell me because they wanted me to know...
just like it hurt that one of my sister (Identical) felt the need to lie to me about something serious...but that don't hurt no more cuz we have dealt with it... i whooped her butt...naw..i just sent her like a 10 page letter front and back reading her behind...but no love was lost...i still luv her like the sky is purple.
but on the flip side...i am sure that i am not as sweet as my name all of the times and probably hurt some peeps too...like my P.I.C. that was my ace for life...shady as all outdoors but that was the one who could make me laugh when there was NOTHING to laugh about...
it hurts that i am not in a position to help n e one ...not even myself...i just feel so powerless..like a failure...the one thing i always had going for myself was that i could help others better than i could help myself...now i don't have that going...n e ways...most of them don't need my help cuz they doing the dang thing on their own...and i am so proud of them...sometimes i think i may be a little envious or jealous of them...i forget which one ia m supposed to use because one means that i would cause them harm and secretly hate them...atleast that's what this dude told me last year...

sometimes u gotta know when to fold them

even though i make strugglin an art...i am tired of it ...i am tired of working 4 times as the next person and coming out with less... its like i am surrounded by people who have a silver spoon in their mouth...it hard to pull yourself up by your bootstrap when there is noone on the next landing to give u a helping hand....
it may be possible to do it by yourself...but it's so hard...then it becomes a question as to if it is even worth it...
Luv is the one to the left

i wanna so i did

that song that says...
the rain against my window pain
is slowly driving me insane....
i'm going down....cuz u ain't around....
yeah, that one...it's playing in my head...don't know y

okay today i did something i haven't done in awhile...i creied and cried and cried.and cried some more. i called my "daddy" who's really my uncle and just really couldn't get my words out becuz i was crying so hard...

i am so frustrated... y can't i be happy...y can't i have the man that i want?....y do i have to live from chin to mouth...now you know that's sad... i need a break or a vacation or something...cuz i am about to crack up in this piece.

i don't know why i feel so empty inside... I talked to Luv today and he wanted to know why was i talking to him all of a sudden...did i want him to do it to me...men...y it always gots to be about sex...

I talked to my daughters and they aren't doing too well...their father aint talking to them becuz of their stepmother...and he let her call them ugly...what kind of mess....but they all like drama which is probably why they are always in some somewhere...i just wish i could save them from all the hurt and pain...

but i can't even save myself...

playing second to none

zero no highest
is what i often yelled
childhood games
if walls could tell
number one
was what i wanted to be
in everything
second to none
that was how it was
supposed to be
but something happened
and things changed
i fell in love
even though someone
had already taken his name

i really don't know how it happened...it sort of snook up on me, me wanting him while he was wanting me. i was at an all time low in my life... i had been raped...something about being violated that destroys your soul...then my sweet lil babies...they died even though i tried to save them...never been loose but at that time in my life i didn't care. i slept w/ anyone who wanted to share my body...fortunately for me, i met Luv and i slowed down sexually...not saying that i had turned into a ho' ...but before i was raped i had only slept w/ three guys and had been abstaining from sex for 2 years...after i was raped and b4 luv i had slept w/ 3 more guys...thankfully not all in the same week....LUV had papers on him so i wasn't trying to hear all the woo woo woo he was blowing my way...but i was intrigued none the less. actually, i was jealous of his girlfriends even though i knew he had a wife...and that one turkey day, i could take no more and i told him of my feelings and he let all the others go...except one...but it didn't matter becuz he was always w/ me... she may have had his last name but i held the key...to his heart that is ..
four years strong...we had our ups and downs...but i luved me some him...and i guess he loved me...we did a lot of things together that were oh so sweet...but mostly we laughed at each other..which was probably the key of y we lasted so long...then she left and set him free...but when she found out he wasn't going to come a chasing...and found out about me...she came back to prove a point to me ...that history trumps luv in our society...they had history together and all we had was luv...
before then...he had never disrespected me...i was his boo, his heart, his real wifey....but now...hmmph i guess he had to show here...so he tried to make me feel lower than low...all the while calling on the side asking if he could hit that...
do u know how it feels to be so in love that u lose yourself? well i was gone... i didn't know who i was n e more so i fled...i went into hiding to heal myself ...to make a stronger me...
but then i saw him and old feelings i guess die hard....i luv that man....or used too...i'm not sure who he is today...so i just try my best to stay away...i have to stay focused...i have to
if not for me then for our keepsake

what's looks good aint always good for yah

uhmmm u look so fly
ur skin's so smooth
the way ur built
ohhh please stop moving those hips
u make me scream
out your name,
hell even your mama and daddy's name
thanking them for
making u for me
it seems so right to be lying here
i said .....
it seems so right to be lying here
then y am i crying
cuz this aint right
u ain't mine and
i ain't yours
so even thou it feels so right
for you to be holding me tight
with our bodies intwined
and sweat running to and fro
it ain't right
so ise gots to go

now don't ask y i always start these off w/ ramblings of my soul...its just that i b so full of emotions that my thoughts aren't really coherent so i type what i feel...and sometimes, it doesn't even make any sense...but sometimes it do.... i remember a year ago when i thought i would die w/o u... i remember holding my pillow tight, crying hoping, wishing, it wasn't true....but it was....u had taken her back...after all that we had been through...after all she had done to you...u had taken her back and threw away what we had...was i mad? hell yeah ...i wanted to spit fire into your eyes...but i couldn't be for real for real cuz she had papers on you...all i had was your heart..,...and i guess in the world we live in, that didn't account for nothing. so i told u to go and to never come back...and i meant it in the worst way ...and i didn't mean it...i just didn't understand y my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my eye sockets ... ididn't understand y i couldn't catch my breath and i hadn't even been running.... i couldn't understand the sadness ...but i knew that i couldn't go back to you...i had to be strong...and i was...until Easter Sunday when u came a knocking at my door and being weak in the knees w/ that fire growing between my thighs... i let u in...and one thing led to another and we were naked again..lying in each others arms...but the innocence was gone...i felt dirty afterwards becuz i knew u had chosen her over me...which made me the other woman.

and the beat goes on

maybe my beat is too fast
maybe it is way too slow
maybe it throws off mix signals
maybe its broke

okay so Question is no longer a question...its a no...they called and i missed it..they called again..and i missed it again...so finally i called back and all they wanted to talk about is if i could here how loud their bed was...what the *%# and where my honey was...so u know i asked where is yours...answer...i don't know...i don't keep tabs on my women...yeah...so he's no longer a question or a go...then they asked if they could come over...for what? don't u have a woman...yeah but we're not happy...well hell neither am i...so i guess that makes three.
i am not sharing n e ones man...been there...done that...it gets old real fast...so he was like ...when do i get to see u...um...lets see ....how about never...LOSER!!!!

yeah...score one for the lonely girl

n e way i talked to LUV today and i miss him...but not enuf to get off my square and venture back there again...never want to be there again....makes me want to go and find Janet....oh well so is life.

what do u do

what do u do
when the luv of ur life
belongs to another

what do u do
when the luv of ur life
cant stay long under the cover

what do u do
when all u have is that moment
as u lay
there is no tomorrow
and really no today

what do u do
besides keep luving that man
until u decide it should b over


so my gurl Shorty opening up and bringing out old wounds... its funny how peeps are always so quick and fast to say they wouldn't do this and they wouldn't do that...and to call this one and that one stupid...hmmph...what i say to them is wait until luv smacks u in the head..or slams u on the ground....just wait until u r up nights crying, wondering what the hell u did wrong..wondering how could someone you have given your all to, turn around and give u their behinds to kiss...and even after all the drama and disrespect we have some nerve to take their rusty behinds back...y? becuz we luv and we luv hard... well actually its cuz we in luv...cuz when u in luv u will do some crazy things like get behind in rent so your man can look fly...or not get anything new for a minute so that ur man can look fly or have some pocket money to flaunt around when he chillin w/ his boys..
ise been in luv...ise tasted the sweetness of knowing that compromise do exist and that i can care abt another being as much as or more than i do myself...i constantly think about my luv...even as i sit here waiting to see if Question calls...sit here wondering if our pathes will cross again ..and if so, will it b the right time for both of us...cuz that man is my soulmate...when i was sick in tired of being sick and tired and sent him on his way....i lost a huge part of me... i lost my best friend..my partner...my laughing buddy...Thumper...he didn't like to laugh...he was always too depressed..Question likes to laugh....he has a nice smile...but not like my luv...i thought i had gotten him out of my system but then i heard his voice in my dream and i wanted it to be o so real..i wted him in my arms...i wanted us to b1...but that can never b ...not until some things drastically change.
luv sucks

on my mind...

i close my eyes u r there
the wind blows and ur scent is there
i dream, u r there
everywhere, u r there

i have been thinking abt the guy that i recently ran back into. every time i allow my brain to sit still, he is there...his childlike smile...his persistent questions... i have tried every lil excuse to get his number from the powers that b..nothing has worked until now when he came a knocking on my door. we chatted for a minute...i felt like a child...butterflies and what not... i am still suffering from low self esteem so its hard for me to talk to someone i think is so fine...
he is cute....but i don't know...he said he will call...we'll c. this time i am gonna let nature take its course

luv is....

i want so badly to be in luv...
not that one-sided luv
i always seem to find
that luv that makes merrys go round
that luv that makes u feel safe at night
that luv that makes u shake w/ glee
that luv that keeps eluding me..

well i am officially done w/ Thumper... he is by far the biggest guy i have messed around w/...and by far the meanest... he would constantly hang up on me when he wasn't getting his way...or when he was done talking to me... he was IM other gurls in front of me.... Y u may ask did i take this....becuz i am looking for luv...or as EDDIE said...whooking pu nuv in all de wrong places... did i luv Thumper....hell to the naw...but it felt good to have someone to cuddle w/ even if it was on their time...even if they always complained that i was taking up too much space on their bed... i guess my search will continue...

he said that i tried to contol the relationship instead of letting it play out...well, hell.. i am not as young as most...though i still look good. i am ready to have that dream...u know the one w/ a husband that cooks....naw but at least a provider... i am tired of making the way for both of us.. i want someone who could take care of me if i say got pregnant... its no fun strugglin

but sometimes when u have loved with all your heart and all of your might and it fails...you don't want to love again. or never in that way so u look for shallow substitutes.that is what Thumper was... a substitute for love...

there is this other guy who i met earlier in the year who is back on the scene? all we had was common convo...like hey...what's going on...nothing too serious... i ran into Memory the other day and he was like do you remember me? u used to wear that one coat....but i think he smokes...and i don't like smokers

then there is this 60 year old man that is saying all the right things but he sixty what da hell do i want w/ him... i said i wanted someone to take e care of me not someone i had to baby sit and bury.

n e ways i am sad right now cuz the Truth of the matter is i am tired of being alone....
i need a guy to make my life complete....
if it isn't luv y does it feel this way...y does he stay on my mind...
okay the ramblings have begun so let me go...
but if u still looking for that ying to your yang...let me know so that i know i aint totally alone

i often wonder.....

i often wonder why
we travel through our entire life
trying to please another

i often wonder why
we care so much about
what people say and do

i often wonder why
we find it easier
to be loyal to people
and not God

i often wonder why
we waste so much time
or senseless pleasures

i often wonder why
sky is that light blue
instead of purple.......