Knock Knock Knockin at my Door

It's 4 am 'knock knock' 'knock knock knock' 'knock knock knock knock knock' 'a baby's cry'

What in the hamsandwich is going on? At the first knock, I became a lil apprehensive... I had been getting random 3 and 4 am knocks on my door right after my friend was brutally gunned down . And normally I didn't answer the door or go anywhere near it. I used to just stand in the floor real silent like daring somebody to bust through it. They would bang on my door for about five minutes and leave. As I heard the footsteps echoing farther and farther from my door, I would approach my door to listen to see if I could discern where they were heading...then I would hear a door shut. The next day, I would go around knocking on my neighbors' doors asking them if they had been knocking on my door at the crack of dawn. They would all say, "NO." So, you can understand my uneasiness to awaken to the banging on my door, yet again. However, this time I would approach the door while the knocking was still in progress because I heard a baby and I knew one of two things: 1. my friend was in trouble and needed a place to hide out or 2. her buffoon of a baby daddy was acting crazy YET AGAIN and had taken the baby.

I looked out the peephole and ding ding ding well take option number 2. "What do you want Moofasah?"

"Truthz, please, open the door."

"What do you want."

"T-C fighting me. She's gone mad. She's fighting me while I have the baby." Now the fact that this negro standing at my door let's me know she ain't gone mad enough because it would be no way he would be able to walk let alone talk if she had gone mad for real. This fool had put her through a lot of drama. He had recently been caught cheating on her and all he had to say to her was that if she put him out again then he would do again. Then he had the audacity to tell her how good the other woman was...so yeah, like I said, she hadn't gone mad. The baby was hollering and I just shook my head, thinking about the running joke that the baby only cries when he holds him.

I cracked my door and said," Give me the baby."

"but she--" the alcohol smell emitting from his breath was making me nauseous.

"Give me the Baby!" I firmly said as I grabbed the baby from his arms and slammed the door as he was still talking. The funny thing is, the instant I took the baby he stopped crying. I still have flashbacks about hurting Moofasah. This negro had held my child inches from a burning flame talking about he was going to burn him. He quickly learned that if you play with fire you will get burnt. He still don't understand why I did to him what I did. Don't ask me how my blade got to his neck and how my child got in my arms... I tend to black out during fits of rage.


so now that I had the baby I needed to make sure my friend was okay because, um Crazy had the baby and she wasn't on his heels. I called--no answer. I called again--no answer. I waited 20 minutes and called again and she picked up in tears. I asked her if she was okay because if not I had some decisions to make...some that might alter my now bright future. She said yeah that they were fighting. I asked her if she was hurt and she said 'no' so I told her to come down to my place. I was glad that she was fighting because that meant that she was finally feeling something besides just helplessness. You don't fight when you're totally defeated, you just take what comes at you.

So she came and talked and cried and well it's crazy what we as women are willing to put up with. I mean I was just talking to my cousin the day before about why is it that we as women have all this mouth and attitude with everyone else but when it comes to our men we are willing to accept whatever. All that mouth and attitude goes to the wayside. Why is that? I mean trust and believe, my mouth and attitude went into overdrive when I was in a relationship... I didn't let NOTHING slide...and well that proved to be a problem too. But I just wanted to go pick up T-C and shake her like a ragdoll...maybe she had something loose inside that needed to be shook back into place, but instead of shaking her, I simply asked: "Are you tired yet?"

"I don't know, I guess so."

I just shook my head and lent my ear because I knew in my heart she wasn't tired yet. Because when you're tired, when you good and tired, there's no guessing to be done. You know when you have had enough, when you are tired of crying, tired of wondering, tired of fighting, tired of staying up late nights, you know when you sick and tired of being sick and tired and she wasn't there yet. So, all I can do is open the door the next time I hear a knocking accompanied by a baby's cry.

No Money No Child

So I spoke to Dirty the other day and well I must say I felt good all over... not because I talked to him, I could do without that...but because I can honestly say that he no longer has any hold on me.. no more power...no more anything.

So when he told me that he didn't like me...that he couldn't stand me...that he wouldn't say hate because it was such a strong word... that I always had something slick to say outta my mouth and that if I really knew him then I would know that he would pop me in it...HOLD UP...he would do what? yeah, right..

I simply laughed and said,"imagine that, you popping me in my mouth and living."

"see there you go...coming out the side of your mouth."

"sweetie, it's okay that you don't like me and even that you hate me...i don't care. i don't have any feelings for you... i don't hate you.. i don't dislike you. i'm indifferent. i made the mistake of making a child with you so i have to reap whatever it is that i have sown. so it doesn't bother me that you don't like me cuz u used to love me." yeah this last part was me, once again being slick outta my mouth. see, i don't do well with intimidation tactics...even if i was scared..which i wasn't.. Dirty was a punk that lived off dreams of somebody else's life... i had stole him once and would steal him again and well, i would have him put to sleep if he put his hands on me, end of discussion.

the problem with Dirty is he is so used to doing people Dirty and then having them forgive him only for him to go back and do it again. he ain't chumping me... yeah i forgave him and let all of his lying and stupidity go BUT that's the extent to it. he will not get my child to parade around like he's some showpiece when he had absolutely nothing to do with his upbringing besides putting the sperm in motion. HE will not take credit for all of my hardwork, sweat, blood and tears. HE will not and even if he paid me a red dime, he would not be able to take him out of my sight..or the sight of the sheriff or the court appointed person to hawk his every move.

"u supposed to have my back."

"dude, i did until i found out you were just flat out lying to everybody, including me." i could have said dude, like you had my back when you had me audited? like you have my back when i asked you for money so i could get my child school clothes when i wasn't working and you told me when you get to see him. Negro my child needs whether he sees you or not. He eats, sleeps and craps which means he requires, food, a bed and some tissue to wipe his butt...And dirty knows he ain't tossing nothing my way which leaves ME taking care of everything...someway..some how. I could see if we didn't plan the child but that's not the case. this ain't the case of which came first, the chicken or the egg. this is um a baby is coming and gonna need some things and well i am 50% responsible so let me try to do something so if she calls me a deadbeat i can say, 'uh-um...i bought him a McChicken or something.'


so today we met up with Dirty and the clan at CEC and he was like i want to apologize for the other day...shake my hand. i told him that's cool but i ain't shaking your hand. he was like well that mean you didn't accept my apology. i was like yeah but i ain't shaking your hand.. inside i was laughing.. see when you don't feed into stupidity...the one engaging in it will sooner or later see how stupid their actions were and well either act even more stupid to compensate for their stupidity or they will apologize.

and while it was good that he apologized, it wasn't necessary BECAUSE i had already received my greatest reward the moment i realized that slowly but surely i was shaking the DEVIL out of my life. i didn't have to engage in meaniless coversations with people whose sole purpose was to transfer their bitterness and unhappiness to me. i had finally learned the technique of sidestepping the BS while still accomplishing my goal.

and the apologies don't change that if you want to be the boss, you gots to pay the cost...not vice versa

Raining inside out

Typically it takes a lot to knock me off my square...knock me off my block
It takes a lot to make me angry cuz you know only dogs get mad. (hmph)
But today I am bothered and a tad bit upset
But I am not quite sure I understand why.....
I mean nothing has changed, really. I mean Massah still tries to employ his Jedi Mind tricks to make me think that he is the best "boss" i have ever had even though he doesn't pay me. i'm sure Kunta's massah was better. And i still have on an average the same money or lack thereof in my pockets. My cupboard is still bare and my child's still a brat...but something is different within me... my soul is disturbed and I don't know why.

Maybe it's the fact that my toes keep clinching up into that paralyzed state and my hand keeps getting the numbing then tingling sensation.. and then there's that sharp pain that shoots through the back of my head ever so often, but often enough to make me fidget and speculate about what i need to hurry up and complete just in case this is the last hurrah.

I went to the doctor about my feet. i have a bunyon, a hammertoe and some mo' stuff the doctor rattled off after taking one glance at my most reliable transportation. i was like well, my balance is off...well, it's always been off which is why i wasn't allowed to carry MY CHILD down any stairs when he was a baby (cuz they knew i would have dropped him to save myself, yup it's a mean world out there, better me teach it to him than somebody else), but it's off more than ever. I fall just walking down the street. Okay, I fall when I am not even moving. And well it's starting to bug me so I wanted to see if they could give me one of those foot sling things to straighten my toe so i would stop falling and possibly get into a smaller shoe size. Well, the doctor took a closer look at my feet and asked me some more questions and was like he thinks i may need to see a neurologist and went on talking not knowing that my private thoughts had drown him out

what if i had waited too long ... i mean i had been charting my symptoms for a minute and well i knew it was something BUT i just didn't have the time to figure out what...and yeah i know there's only one me and that i am the sole provider for MY Child and blah blah blah..but sometimes you just can't make time because making time would have you sitting out on the street right beside your stuff.

but as the shooting pains and the spasms increases i have no choice but to make myself a priority and figure out what, why, and how long

this thing we call life sometimes sucks...but so does this thing call procrastination...and if i had found time in the no time that i had maybe things would not be so bad and maybe i wouldn't be so mad at myself for allowing things to get so out of hand...hmph

Can I get a do over?

sometimes i ask myself why in the world did i want to be in charge of somebody else? why did i do this to myself. i love my child it's just that on MOST days, I DO NOT LIKE HIM! this thing whines for no reason at all...he can't tie his shoe...whine whine whine... he can't fix his toy...whine whine whine... he can't get his way...double whine whine whine. and well i am so fed up with all of his nonsense he betstobeglad I am trying to live my life according to God's purpose or I would have been toss his lil body into somebody's wall. He is an irksome lil thing. Then he wants to buck and the lil negro ain't even 6. why in the hamsandwich are his teachers calling me about his behavior? and when i asked him why he was misbehaving he gonna tell me maybe it's because he doesn't have a brain...um, yeah, let's try again... or when i asked why he was doing cartwheels in line when he was supposed to be standing in line...because they are fun to do... wth... i am just wondering, how many five year olds are gumming it becuase they got a slick mouth... well there's always a first time for everything..

yall need to pray for him.

Haters to the left of me Haters to the right

my soul is so weighed down as late and it's not fair. this is the time that i should be living it up, that i should be 'two-stepping and cha' cha sliding' but instead i am praying that my brain doesn't explode.

why is it that some people hate no matter what. why is it that it hurts some people to the core when they see someone else getting something that they deserve for once in their life. why is it that people who have much don't want the poor to have nothing?


these are things i can't understand. i recently found out that i passed the BAR and by golly let me tell you, i am only relieved because it means that it will silence all the naysayers. i mean for any of my old followers, you know there have been days where i ain't had no food in my house to feed MY CHILD, that there has been days where I had to ride on E because the two dollars I had in my pocket was going to go toward something on the dollar menu to feed my child, that there have been days where every envelope in my mailbox was some type of neon color so when i tell you that i DESERVED to pass the BAR, i DESERVED to pass the BAR...if not for me, for MY CHILD, who shouted 'yeah, you passed the bar, we can get money, we can buy food.' do you know how that cut straight to my heart?

well Massah has been pimping me paying me half of what he should be paying me and he thinks that he is going to continue on... it's funny because on most days i feel sorry for him.. he's a grown man with no sense of direction, no sense of purpose besides pimping and exploiting people. so he tells me now that since i have passed the BAR he will up my salary to $20 bucks an hour... WTH, does he think my name is booboothefool, esquire? but instead of giving him my regularly does of niggaplease laughter i say,"that's around what you should be paying me now for all the work that i am doing... i can't keep struggling." and i can't. i deserve to have some me money left in a pay check. i deserve to buy myself something nice just for me like maybe that diamond tennis bracelet all the losers in my life promised to get me. and to date my arm still ain't blinging...i deserve to breathe with my head above water.

it's funny that there are always people behind your back staking a claim to your success and voicing why you should thank them for helping you get to where you are.

Here's a hint: if you gotta tell peeps what you did for them, 9 times out of 10, you ain't did jack smack.

so everybody feels that they should have been told first or told before this person and that person and the truth of the matter is...who cares what they think because forreal forreal i didn't have to tell anyone. just like i didn't tell anyone that for the last 2 1/2 months all we had in the fridge was some salad dressing and butter.

so i turn to my left and say, "hi haters," and i turn to my right and say,"hi haters."


Hate on haters cuz imma continue to do me and pretty soon that's gonna mean more than just surviving

Collateral Damage

i love him so, but i have to let him go
i love him so, BUT i have to let him go
He's the best big little brother around...
But he's gots to go

my soul is so conflicted right now. it sucks when you have "to do the right thing" for somebody else. i have to cut ties with my play big brother because his BABY MAMA who has the common sense of a Pea thinks we are screwing. and yeah, it could be possible if I (1) found my brother remotely attractive (2) if my brother wasn't the brother of Safeway, you know, the love of my life who decided that what we had was perfect, but not perfect enough for him to committ to... you know cuz in the end we wanted something totally different, i wanted to be committed with some vows but didn't want anyone to know how i felt about him...and he wanted to be committed without any vows but wanted to let ever'body know I was his girl (yeah committment issues galore) and (3) if my brother didn't smoke and was about 4 inches taller and I found him remotely attractive. (don't get me wrong, he ain't ugly...he's cute but not my type of cute..)

so after talking to Safeway who JOKINGLY asked were we fooling around and basically stating that he could understand why MUSHBRAINS would think that something was going on and that basically when dealing with our Bruh, I needed to sometimes make decisions for him, because that was just the way things were, I called my brother and stated:

"Brother, I think it's best for us to go our separate ways, it seems that from talking to your brother that maybe we are giving the appearance that we are more than just sisters and brother, so it's best that we just not talk."

"Well, if that's what you feel...I understand...but you know you can still call me if you need anything."

"No, I can't call you. Thanks the problem. I am so used to calling you when something goes wrong with my car that I depend on you and well, if SillyGirl believes that we are doing something, and you are trying to get her back, it would be a huge gesture to show her just how sincere you are... because if she sees me as a threat, and we really ain't related...and ya'll relationship is supposed to be tight with nothing coming between it, and our relationship is coming between it, don't you think you need to elimate the rift by not talking to me to prove to her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get her back?"

"Yeah, I guess you are right. I love yah."

" I love you too, thanks for all the memories."

No this is how the convo would have went a couple of months ago when I was still totally living for myself. (cuz I am still working out the kinks)

"Bruh do you know your punk brother said that I need to stop talking to you cuz he could see how that Trick could think we fooling around. Wth. I don't care what nobody thinks. You betta check your girl befo' I check her. She is so freakin silly. ( yup, it would have been freakin cuz i don't cuss) I told you to stop calling me every night talking to me for hours. She probably checking your phone to see how many times a day you call me. What she think I'm doing brothers? not, that i did your brother, but, I'm saying. That boy is my heart. She is some type of fool. If I was you, I would just leave her alone. She some trash anyways. I could hook you up with Dot since you still feeling her."

"Yeah, do that do that. See if she would meet me at the motel off Southern ave. I know the manager...I could get a free room."

"You set up your own bootycalls, I will finally give her your number."

"love yah sis."

"love yah bruh."

I don't know how to tell you this, but niggah i quit

you ever notice how the people not doing what they are supposed to be doing, how they are the most miserable people in the world? you know the ones beating on their mates, stealing from the church, robbing people, and just doing people dirty...those fools. Well my boss falls into that category and his days of trying to share his misery are numbered.

so my boss is pimping me BIG time.. i guess he ain't heard that the PIMPS were in a recession too, but he that laughs first often laughs alone...and this fool been laughing for a very long time. so long that he has failed to see that a new day has broke and honey I ain't Weezy and it doesn't make me or break me if i don't move on up

But, the reality is, it doesn't matter what i want to do in the long scheme of things cuz God has my back. So why he gots me doing all of his work and paying me less than minimum wage, his days of getting over like a fat cat is about to cease...oh, that's right, i'm getting experience.. is that right boo? well, please explain to my child how experience gonna feed him? please explain to me how experience gonna help me when i am too tired to get out of my bed. please explain to all the people why i really am so behind in my work., how i can't do my work and your work too.. please explain how it is that you have no many to pay me but flying outta the country every month?

Please explain to me why as Nov 7th got close you started trying to let up on your pimp hand? was it because you knew that your pimp juice was about to be thrown in your face? like i told you before and i will tell you again, them results don't make or break me because it's just a job, i have been who i have been for a very long time and it would be different if you paid me nothing and treated me better, but the fact that you treat me like i am less than what God made me...yeah I gots something for your behind

you see this right here...this four letter word next to the number 1258... this PASS? yeah nigga , that pass means I Quit!!!

oops, looks like here comes the next John, you better pucker up.

I got shotgun

it's funny what will happen when you pull over and let God drive.
i have been through a lot over these last couple of years simply because i wanted to do things my way...well now that i have been BOOTED from the driver's seat, i can see things clearer now that the rain is gone... things are falling into place and it is still amazing me about how much power HE has... they kept telling me to give HIM something to bless and well i didn't really understand until now and i am so happy and sad at the same time.
Happy cuz things are going great and sad because it took me so long to get out of my way long enough so that happiness could shine on me...

today is a new day and change sure has come...the days were we eatn pork n beans and nothing else are about to be days of the past

my souls cries out

what's a girl to do when she is raising (yeah i know it's rearing) a manchild...what's a girl to do, when she is doing it by her lonesome. what's a girl to do when all around her she sees what the others did who didn't have a clue. i don't know if they simply gave up or turned a blind eye...but i do know that it's too many manchilds running around like they're Xtras in Juice, or maybe it's Boyz in the Hood, or some other black gangsta movie that glorifies that the thugged out mess is the way to go...and yeah i like me an eduthug BUT an eduthug ain't slanging on the corners, or hanging out all night. an eduthug ain't killing his brother over some Nikes an eduthug got his head and the books knowing that can get his megadough.. an eduthug aint pointing no blue light and packing no gun.. what's a girl to do...do i pull a Beloved and do my time holding on to it was better by my hands than at the hands of the streets...what's a girl to do when she tucking in her lil man hoping and praying he lives to see 22.

One Moment, Please

Is it just me, or is daylight savings kicking your butt too?
I am still trying to figure out how it is that I was the first one to arrive for my meeting last night, arriving an hour and a half early, and never made it inside?
I call myself taking a cat nap while I waited for my child to finish his food. I sometimes wonder about him. This boy was in the back seat trying to eat between the poppy or sesame (which ever seeds they put on hamburger buns) seeds ontop of his Checkers burger. I am watching thinking, 'this can't be my child, i mean i know i saw him come out my twat, even took pics as i pushed him out, but this can't be my child. maybe it was some alien abduction from inside the womb cuz this boy acted like he had a lifetime membership to the short yellow bus.' I mean when I was his age and was faced with his dilemna I would've done one of the following: scraped the seeds off, torn the part of the bread off with the seeds, or just taken off the top bun. NO WAY, NO HOW would I have sat there and tried to eat between the seeds and then get upset when I accidentally ate one. If I didn't know better, he was doing this mess to get out of doing homework...but I was tired anyways and seized the day and went to sleep.

The only problem was I woke up some 2 and half hours later with only about 20 minutes left in my meeting. My knee and ankles were swollen and my child had managed to twist his body into some type of contortion and fallen asleep. I was conflicted...should I go in or should I go home. My throbbing knee said go home cuz it was no way I was going to carry my child and he was knocked out.

Then today I got up and was still tired so tired in fact that I didn't realize that I was driving and my door wasn't all the way closed. It was until I turned the corner and my car inside light came on...but that was some 45 minutes after I was driving and it took me a moment to realize what was going on. Good thing I believe in buckling up when I'm riding cuz i would have been thrown from the car and My Child would have been trapped in his car seat in a runaway vehicle. I'm sure my interrogation with the po-pos would have went well.

"ma'am have you been drinking?"

"no sir, honest I haven't"

"are you on drugs?"

"nope, only get high on life."

"can you explain how you were thrown from your vehicle while your baby was inside?"

"it's that dang blasted daylight's savings it's got me all screwed up."

"please place your hands behind your back ..."

What's your boiling point

so we all boil, but unlike water, it's not all the time at a 100 degrees.
i'm wondering what makes some go off with just a lil infraction, and well others,
it takes a whole hemping lot

like for me, his pissing on my bed while i was in it, on purpose, would have done it for me. i would have yanked, forget chopped his peter winer off and rolled back over and went to sleep. i wouldda called 911 for him behind in the morning when i was good and sure they wouldn't be able to reattach it.

or, his putting his hands on me the very first time...nevermind second or the third... i would have made a couple of phone calls and he would have been put in some dirt...

or cheating...i'm sorry, sleeping dogs have to lie in their own bag of fleas. i mean i know there are some slick characters out there that gots the game on lock and ain't slipping and well that's cool...cuz everything done in the dark comes to light and when the switch is flicked on...your lights will be put out along with your bags and bags and bags of belonging..even the ones i bought cuz last time i checked, you couldn't pawn no drawls.

but for me, i can and have tolerated mental abuse which, yes is just as bad and even worse than physical abuse. and i know a whole lot of peeps who can't take their man playing with their minds but will let him put his foot in her back whenever he please without ever thinking of leaving.

so what's your boiling point or what is it that you will absolutely not stand for....and why is that... and what are the things you are willing to work thru... just wondering

Do you eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeva?

it's funny that a song can pen my thoughts so perfectly.
o Oct. 31st i resolved to let sleeping dogs lie and get on with my life
to accept things for what they are, adding nothing and taking nothing away
but it's so hard sometimes to just walk away from something without feeling a certain kinda way.
without wondering who's fault was it....if something could have, should have been done...or just done differently...and then you have to think if that was the case would you have been able to do what you could have or should have done...
were you too sensitive, too clingy, too affectionate, too flirty, too prudish
ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
were you too insensitve, too distant, too standoffish, not flirty enough, too loose
was something wrong with you...did you stink...were you too skinny, too tall, too fat? , too short...was your hair too long were your nails too short. did your snorting become too much to handle? was it something you said or didn't say? and sadly, the list goes on and on
and i wonder why can't it be that it just didn't work out...that it just couldn't be because you were too different to try and become similar.
but even as i ask this question i am wondering, is he wondering about me? is he thinking about me? does he ever wonder about me? about how i feel and what's going on with me?
but why should it even matter? we aren't together so why should he?

Is it that I am getting old or is really just trash

So I went to the FSO (for sistas only) and I feel like my $15 were stolen from me
I mean I just wasn't feeling it...the booths were mediocre to say the least
the food was expensive and well the vibe just wasn't for me
I take it that for most people they got their money's worth from the free concert
BUT, seeing that I left before Raheem DeVaughn performed I still feel like I was held up
i mean the dude who song Diamond Guy was aiight even though he was lipsyncing.. but the teenie boppers were too excited to realize this.. then there was some child who CD about to drop and I'm thinking if she was coming out when I grew up it would be dropped into a hole
then Terrence Howard graced the stage and was thoroughly booed (he is so sexy in a suit) simply because he wasn't telling them to shake it fast, watch their self ( now this my jam, but you know what I mean) but as soon as Souljah Boy got out there they went wild and i was like fo' real...and i'm like yeah marco polo marco polo..um buy your cd um not even from the bootleg man. i mean yeah you have catchy tunes that the kids get hype over but believe me you, they ain't gonna buy it next year unless you making similar nonsense. how i know? cuz when you tried to play your new stuff they just look at you like you had grown another ear..and then you have a song with the lyrics "what's up with your p*****" wth! r u forrrrreal? TRASH I SAY.


now granted when i was coming up the older peeps used to say the same thing BUT TRUST N BELIEVE NEW EDITION sells out every time they come... b2m still gets the party rocking so does BBD...put on some POISON and see what happens.. Tribe hmph... Dougie F...what? Erik B and 'KEM... i mean please we talking classic and these new cats drastically need some talent. so i think i had really lost it when SJB started singing his song about shooting a gun and i watched all of the lil kids (xcept mine) emulate him...i was like forreal.. and parents there encouraging they kids to shoot them... mine saying "we don't play with guns...guns bad...they will hurt you" and i'm like i guess i will let hiim live another day...he listens sometimes...

and well when the GO-GO came on, i knew it was time for me to get get... i really wanted to stay to see Raheem cuz he would have made it worth my time especially if he song love drug...but lia sophia was waiting for me but i just kept shaking my head wondering what was the future gonna bring cuz i don't think it can get any worse than this...

but what do i know,i'm just an old head