Raining inside out

Typically it takes a lot to knock me off my square...knock me off my block
It takes a lot to make me angry cuz you know only dogs get mad. (hmph)
But today I am bothered and a tad bit upset
But I am not quite sure I understand why.....
I mean nothing has changed, really. I mean Massah still tries to employ his Jedi Mind tricks to make me think that he is the best "boss" i have ever had even though he doesn't pay me. i'm sure Kunta's massah was better. And i still have on an average the same money or lack thereof in my pockets. My cupboard is still bare and my child's still a brat...but something is different within me... my soul is disturbed and I don't know why.

Maybe it's the fact that my toes keep clinching up into that paralyzed state and my hand keeps getting the numbing then tingling sensation.. and then there's that sharp pain that shoots through the back of my head ever so often, but often enough to make me fidget and speculate about what i need to hurry up and complete just in case this is the last hurrah.

I went to the doctor about my feet. i have a bunyon, a hammertoe and some mo' stuff the doctor rattled off after taking one glance at my most reliable transportation. i was like well, my balance is off...well, it's always been off which is why i wasn't allowed to carry MY CHILD down any stairs when he was a baby (cuz they knew i would have dropped him to save myself, yup it's a mean world out there, better me teach it to him than somebody else), but it's off more than ever. I fall just walking down the street. Okay, I fall when I am not even moving. And well it's starting to bug me so I wanted to see if they could give me one of those foot sling things to straighten my toe so i would stop falling and possibly get into a smaller shoe size. Well, the doctor took a closer look at my feet and asked me some more questions and was like he thinks i may need to see a neurologist and went on talking not knowing that my private thoughts had drown him out

what if i had waited too long ... i mean i had been charting my symptoms for a minute and well i knew it was something BUT i just didn't have the time to figure out what...and yeah i know there's only one me and that i am the sole provider for MY Child and blah blah blah..but sometimes you just can't make time because making time would have you sitting out on the street right beside your stuff.

but as the shooting pains and the spasms increases i have no choice but to make myself a priority and figure out what, why, and how long

this thing we call life sometimes sucks...but so does this thing call procrastination...and if i had found time in the no time that i had maybe things would not be so bad and maybe i wouldn't be so mad at myself for allowing things to get so out of hand...hmph