GhettO Hot Mess

So peeps been waiting for my juice on my gurl GHM...

So, I'm interning in a professional building because I am a professional(at least during the day). And I must say that I'm still not sure if I like it, but my gurl GHM makes it worthwhile...she makes my day...if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't have heeded their warning about "not jumping outta the window" and jumped by now.

So let's backtrack:

I was the first summer intern that started and I am the ONLY one of my kind...for those that don't know what that means, that means, I am the only one that will be of the darker hue. Come to find out, I am the first one of my kind to be allowed to intern here in 5 years...and let me tell yall, it shows. Now don't get me wrong, there are five "others" that work here, all in admin or mailroom capacity. And they all housed on the fourth floor and they conveniently put me on the fifth floor, in the corner, and told me I should be happy cuz I gots a window. Well the second intern that started, she gots a bigger office than I on the fourth floor with a window, too. Anywhos, the day of my orientation they are explaining how happy I should be about the window and how they were instructed by corporate to tell me "not to jump for any reasons...fire or anything." Now last time I checked, negroes weren't the jumping out the window type!

Then they give me the low down on the dress code.. biz casual..can wear jeans but no halter tops, see thru tops or miniskirts. Im looking at this fool like WDH? who wears those things to a professional bizness...I mean, I was expecting to wear a suit everyday. And I was greatly offended too, especially after learning the other interns were not given this spill. Then I met here and understood:

Ghetto Hot Mess

This heafa gonna get me in trouble...my recommendation letter aint even going to be on letterhead if I keep hanging out with her. She is the Truth... My first day there when she saw me she gonna shout"Finally!!!We gots one!!!" then she proceeds to run toward me and high five me like we at the beach sipping on forties and not a work. She was like"There ain't many of us here...I tell them that all of the time" "I'm so glad you are hear, gurl show them what we got cuz they think we stoopid!" All this is in the tone u use when you standing on the basketball court talking junk so the whole court can here you. This was when she had goldish blonde hair.. the next day if this fool didn't come in with a strawberry red weave, a skirt that stopped where her panties ended and a spaghetti string shirt with a shawl to cover her 38dd+ boobies. I couldda hit the floor. And if you know me, you know I ain't fake and had to put my two cents in..."Gurl, you gonna have them scared to come talk to you... I know you getting in a lot of trouble with that hair...they probably in their office now tryn to figure out how to tell you to take it out." In her loud mouth, "honey , pls, I wish they would...I already told them I was taking it back to my roots." I didn't have the heart to tell her that there was nothing red about her roots.

So everyday before I start my mundane day of saying hi to fools who get up in shut the door in my face, I go down and see what's a poppin with GHM...and she don't disappoint me.. from the shortest skirts to the shortest tightest tops, she be representing...even if they ain't matching. You can't tell her 50+ behind that she ain't still 21 and that those dimples in her legs ain't supposed to be shown... Naw, she walk with that swagger and talk that talk to these heafa's in here. I wonder if she knows why she has been the receptionist for four different peeps in here and she ain't even been here for 2yrs yet.. Whatever, GHM keeps it real and keeps them on their toes. and if they keep playing with me and hurting my feeling with their rude behind by not speaking and giving me this insulting work to do, I'm start dressing just like her.

and Imma play poker all day too even if they standing their clearing their throats trying to tell me discreetly that they think i should have something else on my screen

How I know I gots my swagger back or.....

maybe GHM is influencing me.. Well today I woke up and was in one of those moods. You know where you feeling your self (no KZ not in that way) and can't nobody tell you nothing. Well, that was me today...Not sure why, seeing how my hair is looking like who shot john (still avoiding the hairdresser...hoping enough time will past so he don't bring up the rubber check). N E ways, so I put on something that in the dark don't look like it matches, so I know in the light Imma look a hot mess. But you know what? I didn't care. I put on my purple pasley pants...the colors being eggplant purple, gold trim and taupe in between and put on a canary yellow shirt and some beige sandals. Now trust and believe if I would have saw someone in my getup on the street, I would've laugh them out...cuz i am the queen of coordination. But today I didn't care...laugh if you wanted cuz couldn't nobody tell me I wasn't fly. I stepped outta my house with my head tossed high and strutted like I had on the latest Prada...people stopped and stared and I tossed them that I'm a winner and you're scum smile and kept it moving. To make matters worse, I was booking them young bucks left and right.. you know the kind that look like they just left the womb and would probably break my twenty something year old back...Yeah, i was booking them in my "I thought I was mexican get up." i got to work and laughed cuz if anyone was gonna say something, it was going to be GHM...but I had something for her behind too, especially after she wore that flower skirt and picked the one color in the flower that wasn't visible to the human eye to accent her shirt with. But even she didn't say nothing besides..."uhm looked like you had a great weekend..." and you know what, despite the fact that MY CHILD got sick from the heat and was too chicken to go in the water talking about he only wanted to put his hand in... i had a great time...eating, sleeping and eating some more.

Too bad I missed the Mexicans who thought that buying charcoal would be a waste of time or a waste of money, so instead climbed a tree and chopped down it's limbs then chopped the limbs up and threw it on their grill. Yeah, and did I mention we were in a state park? But I guess if you gonna cook outdoors you might as well cook with the outdoors.

Swallowing through the lumps

Sometimes you have to confront your past to embrace the future that is waiting for you.

Not sure what that has to do with my current post but this is something I left on someone's page and I liked it. So I will print it out and put it on my mirror to remind me everytime I get ready to put on my running shoes to escape some dreadful thing from my past or my present that I need to confront it so I can meet the future I am seeking.


So I didn't go to jail, so, my survey answer is still correct. Actually, I did the mature thing even though I feel like I punked out.

I found out a couple of days ago that the Gurls were going to get their sistah's hair done for her birthday. For those who are new, their sistah would be the child that Luv has with his wife. They were getting her hair done by my neighbor. The one that lives on my floor and a couple of doors down. A door I would have to past to leave my house and enter my house. Well, at first you may say, what's wrong with that? Nothing cuz my neighbor needs to make her loot just like the next person.... BUT, them gurls told this heafa that I lived in the building with their brother.. a brother she has never met. A brother that her mama despises. Not only did they tell her that I lived in the building but on the same floor as the lady that was going to be braiding her hair but that I lived a couple of doors down. Then these fools gonna tell her that they were going to 1. call me so that I could bring MY CHILD down there or 2. bring her to my door so that she can meet her lil' brother. Let me say it for you....WDH!!!!!!!!!!!


So to be fair, let me say, I don't know if both gurls told her...I do know that the one who was telling me this story (like I would be okay with it) told her sista this. So, I try to take into account that these are not the brightest of the bright that I am dealing with before I respond with : WDH, why would you tell that gurl that I lived there and that you would bring her to my door? Are you crazy? I would expect this type of stupidity from your father, not from you all... You bring her to my door and I promise you will get your face played and your feelings hurt.


Well, she ain't gonna tell her mother.


How do you know this...and that ain't even the point. Why does she need to know where I live? I don't have any reason to have contact with her, so why does she need to know where I live? Bring her to my door and there will be hell to pay.


Well she needs to meet her brother.


Last time I checked, she knows D...(that's their other brother)


Truthz, I don't see what the big deal is?

Who's bringing her here?

Her mother.


A day later, I ran into their aunt at the grocery store and ofcourse I do what I do well.


Hey, gurl, me and my sistah was just talking about you.


Yall were...hope it was good stuff (not likely but who cares)


I don't remember what it was, but it wasn't nothing bad...(see when we first met, she told me the lie that they never discuss me...i must look like booboo the fool)


oh, well how about i had to tell your lil niece off cuz she told me that she told her sistah where I lived and that she was going to bring her to my house.


oh, yeah i heard about that...my sister said that they didn't tell her where you lived, her mother told her where you lived....she said her mother found out where you lived from something you mailed to their house.


Uh, I've never mailed anything to their house and if I did I sho' wouldn't have put my address on it...com'on and why would Twin tell me she told her if she didn't...not very smart.


Oh, that's right, she got it from a phone number or something..but she been knew where you live.


(laughing) Um no that don't work either, cuz none of my phone numbers are listed to my address, so either Luv gave her my address and number or her daughter told her after them gurls did... either way, I don't care. I think it's stupid for them to tell her where I live. I hope she has smarted up from her dumb ol days cuz I am ready and willing to catch a case from some heafa runnin up on me in my space, especially if My Child is with me or is in harm's way. See, them gurls, I understand they love their sistah and their brother and want them two to meet...what they need to understand is that it's not up to them to decide who gets to have a relationship with MY CHILD...i control that...and I will make it so they will never see him again, they keep pulling stupid stunts like this. I told her she brings that child to my door, she will get her face played and her feelings hurt. and i mean that. (now word to the wise, my words were carefully chosen cuz I know for a fact that her sistah will be getting a recap of the whole shabang and I want it impressed the fact that I am not playing.)


I left and have not heard from the gurls since, which is very odd cuz I talk to them or they call everyday. everyday unless they mad with me. So Friday comes, the day the lil gurl is supposed to get her hair done, and I have to decide what I am going to do because MY CHILD and I have a half of day.


I can be at home, armed and ready to take a ho' out. Or, I can avoid the entire conflict by just staying away from home. So I decided to tuck my tail between my legs and stay away from my house as long as possible. See, trust and believe, I woulda took a ho' out but, it was not worth it when I thought about it...It was not worth possibly going to jail for a situation that I could have avoided by simply not going home...what if something happened and MY CHILD was injured? Yeah, that wasn't a risk I was willing to take. So here I was feeling sad cuz I was officially putting my condo on the market at 7pm that night and for what? It was proving to be a blessing that I had decided to sell my place... I don't need no wackos knowing where I be laying my head.

Expose' of the STUMP (graphic in nature)

THE STUMP HAS BEEN REMOVED....

so I know peeps are like wdh? yeah, my point exactly.... so Thumper as you recall (once again, i'm to lazy to attach the link regarding his chirping episode well i was in a public place) likes to think he's quite the ladies man when it comes to his sex. And i ask you, wdh does he really think he is doing with this stump? I remember when i first received the email that contained this thing...I was like is he for real? where is the rest of it. I even told him in a nice "pc" way (shoutouts to Chubby) that he might want to send me another pic where he was totally hard...when he responded that he was, i told him to take it from a different angle. He was hot as hell! So was I the first time I experienced it. WDH?!?! I get more excitement from a pencil. (not that i've tried)

So what has caused me to expose this fool? the fact that i only have six dollars to my name and this fool won't send me the money he owes me. wants to respond that he knows i miss him. Miss what? never felt it dick for brains... then wants to call me a big baby when i don't respond and tell him that i do miss him. (lying's for kids and last time i check, i'm a grown a* woman!) (except when it comes to juicy...then im just mush) then he wants to start back Iming me when I could have sworn he was blocked, talking about don't you miss my dick...No, nig, you miss your dick!!!! Take that up with your pops or whomever else in your family ain't packing...Genetics is a trip.

Leave me alone unless you trying to pay me my money fool....don't nobody miss nothing you gots to offer!!!!

Note to the other bruhs suffering from L.M.S. (Little Meat Syndrome), don't be bragging how someone missing your lovin', cuz most likely they ain't even feeling your lovin....just be glad you gettin lovin from somewhere other than your hand and keep it moving!!!!! urg!!!


So that's my morning rant...tune in for this weekend cuz drama is unfolding... Luv's wife has been told where I live and she is making a guest appearance at my door... now if i get locked up...PIC my unc' will give you some money to bail me out...if not, just find MY CHILD and keep him until they release me...

Be Easy yall cuz it's crazy out here...

So u think you privileged...(edited)

So, I know some of you are waiting for the "expose" on Thumper...but that will have to wait until tomorrow...(and the pic won't stay up past Monday)


So today peeps want to test and find out how pmsing I am, which made me think about what could really be their motive, do they really believe they that privileged, that entitled? Be it cuz they white, rich, cute, married to a fine negro, they daddy know somebody who knows somebody who know Michael Jordan's cousin's dog walker, or cuz they got a 8 inch dick... WDH?!? You still don't make my world go round (unless you juicy...and you got that 8 inch dick)

Now those of you who know me, know I ain't one to get graphic like that so it must be the hormones and lack of sex....how many months has it been......


So today this heafa wants to try me, or maybe she wanted to try fate, not sure. But she almost got her head knocked slam off. How this heafa gonna put her pinkish leg out in the street in front of my car, then bend over? Mind you I have the green light. Now if I was doing my usually 40 m.p.h., she wouldn't have had a prayer...but today, I felt like acting like I was driving Ms. Daisy cuz my cramps were kicking my tail, I was going 20 m.p.h. Then she proceeds to take her bike, place it in front of me, mine you I haven't stopped, and then get on. Then this heafa proceeds to pedal (now for yous who have never ridden a bike, when you first start off, you go a negative 5 miles) No This Heafa didn't...not doing morning rush to beat the 9 o'clock bells. Then she looks back at me with this smug look like what are you gonna do about it?


Flashback: For those of you who have known me for a minute (meaning 10 years plus), you probably thinking back to my first experience of riding by myself with my newly issued permit. Remember my Other sent me to Tarjay (so what, we know it's Target) and that heafa on the bike wanted to taunt me, as if to say you new driver, you can't drive. Remember that? Remember how I honked for that heafa to get outta of the way, being the angry permit holding 16 year old I was. Remember her response was to go slower. Remember my response was to tap her wheel with the car, just enough so she would fall off without seriously hurting herself...


Yeah, those thoughts went through my head too as this heafa looked at me with that smugged looked. I wondered: How would that look look with you lying on the ground and your bike in the tree? Then I watched as this fool went through a red like against oncoming traffic while holding up her hand like she was Storm from X-men...like she had the power to hold back that Metro Bus that was gonna slam into her. Yeah, this heafa had some balls, she evidently thought she was somebody. Let her catch me on a dark street after 10 p.m and try that mess...we gonna find out just who she really thinks she is.


Then there were the people standing on the opposite side of the bus, trying to flag it down like it was a cab. (yeah, I only drive part of the way and take the green limousine the rest of the way to my intern job) These fools are funny, thinking the bus 'sposed to wait and see if they gonna dodge three lanes of traffic when there is another bus a block away. This one fool was a trip. He jumped in front of three cars to get to the bus. (me, I was already laughing cuz I knew his day was about to be sadly interupted) He comes up to the door and is like, "yo' let me in dude, what you doing, I made it across?" Driver: "Sir, you gotta catch the next bus, I'm full." Privileged Dude: "What do you mean I can't get on the bus, I just ran across the street to catch this bus, I'm getting on." Driver: "Sir, you need to step off the bus, I am full, the people are past the line."PD: "I don't care about the line, I need to get to work, I'm getting on this bus." Driver: "And if you do, I won't move." PD: " Unbelievable, do you know who I am? and you are telling me to catch the next bus?" Driver: "Step down off the steps and have a nice day." Me: "yeah, he knows who you are, you the fool who just got left on the bus stop!"



Then I get to work to hear the Scientist tell the GHM (ghetto hot mess, I will explain later), "There's no more made coffee in our kitchen, would you mind walking around to the other kitchen and getting these gentlemen some coffee?" I didn't have to worry here cuz GHM was going to be true to her name and let her have it. "um, excuse me, I ain't walking no where, you can walk them over there or I can show you how to make coffee as I make another pot."


Then there's that cute boy I pass everyday, the one with that funny swagger, you know the one, the one that looks like he struggling to walk cuz he toting a huge package. He always telling me to come here, like he can't walk the five steps to me. What this look like, we ain't in india or israel, I ain't walking ten paces behind you bruh, you wanna talk to me, you bets to get to getting or I'mma keep walking everyday like I don't hear your fine self calling me. (I hear you boo...oh, do i hear you)



I will be in NYC the weekend of JUNE 9th for all those who promised to show a stressed out hot mama how to have a good time....

The varied responses.

so i wrote a letter from my heart and sent it without regard to what the responses would be...
but responses there were and so i will share them with you.

Response 1:

Aww, I'm about to cry. You are so mature! I love you too!!!!!!!!!

Response 2:

Such a wonderful Mother's Day message. Thank you so much for that. Love, Mama Lee


Response 3:

Dear tRuthz, We love you too and you are always in our hearts. Love, Li

Response 4:

That was so beautiful! I love you too! (with the new big animated crying smiley)

Response 5:

I am reading this for the second time. You really shouldn't put yourself down, you are a wonderful smart young lady, mother, daughter and friend. You have a wonderful personnality and you are always there for me when I need you so this thing called family really works. Family are the people who stick together and lean on each other for support and we are family. What ever it is that I do, it is because we are family and I love you and that big head boy of yours. Now that you are in the family, you can't get out unless you die. In other words it't a life sentence.
(my response to my mama's comment)

The thing is mama, i have been neglecting everyone else in my life...all the mamas and sistahs that have held me down before i even came out here. maybe you don't remember how i was six years ago...which would be before the rape and the twins...but i was a totally different person...i always called the faithful ten and their mamas, but after that, i stopped. I shut everyone out, except maybe your family and [name deleted]--....i even shut my uncle [] out. I am very grateful for your family because your family has given me something that i didn't have here...and that was a support system. and a place to feel comfortable...and it's taught me that it was okay for me to be touchy feely, to say I love you, to hug and kiss one another regardless of sex...naw, didn't do that at home with my immediate family...always hugged my aunts and cousins, but that was about it. i wasn't putting myself down in that email, i was being very honest. i know what i am capable of and i know what i have been putting out. and i have failed as a friend a sistah and daughter for the most part with regards to most of the people on the list. which is why i got booted out of the wedding because i was being an awful friend... i could have picked up the phone when she called but i didn't feel like being bothered...i didn't feel like hearing about how someone else was exceling while i was struggling...


and before you say anything, mama i am struggling which is why i am putting my condo on the market...i have too much pride to let them snatch it and too much pride to sit around and talk abt it...in my mind, it's just something i have to do to ensure i make it to that next plateau. and i have too much common sense to take [Luv] for child support... and just in case you haven't gotten it yet, i didn't know what i was getting into when i got involved with him...it was no way for me to know because i had no idea who i was at the time...i was too wounded to care what i was getting into...all i knew was that he showed me attention and that's what i wanted...some one on one attention.




i thank Jehovah every night for allowing us to meet. and i am grateful that you don't treat me any differently from your own kids...i love you with all of my heart and i know without a doubt that you love me too, and that's why its so easy for me to reciprocate everything....because i know it's genuine...and i accept my life sentence happily.



i love you mama.

(mama's response to my response)


You hold a lot of stuff in side and it is good that you writing your feelings down so that you can deal with them. It is not healthy to hold things in, you have to deal with things in order to move on. You always have Jehovah to talk to and to pray to. He does answer prayers. I will always be here for you when you want to talk, but remember I don't know everything and the advice I give you is my opinion unless we pray over it first and my God tells me what to say. Your prayers will get you through all the things that you are going through.


Some times when you are dealing with issues like school (professional school) and raising a child it is hard to have time for everyone and everything in your life. Your family and friends will understand your situation when you share with them.


I am convenient for you because I am here, in [the neighborhood], and it is good to have family near. Your biological family and your Chicago friends love you and care about you too. Your parents may not know how to show you how much they care but they love you so much and they are so proud of you. If I love you and care about you so much, how could your family not feel the same thing. Sometimes people don't know how to show love because they were never shown love and they think it is a sign of weakness.

You and [Your Child] are part of the family now and will always have a place in our hearts.


Luv, Luv, Luv, when I tried to talk to you about Luv you told me "I got this mama, I know what I am doing." I knew that you did not know what you were doing but what could I do. When it comes to matters of the heart it is hard to tell someone that the path that the are traveling is not good. But God had a plan for you and it was [Your Child]. He is here, he is real, and we all love him. To [Luv] he may be just another child, but to us he is special (not in a mental way--smile) and he knows that he is loved and he doesn't have to worry about where his next meal is coming from and if he has clothes to wear or if he has toys to play with. He is blessed and God gave him to someone who will take care of him and love him, not some crack head mother. We can't cry over spoiled milk. Luv is who he is, he is [Your Child's] daddy and that is it. If you stilll have feelings for him, it is time for you to get over them and grow up. It may be hard but Truthz you have your future and a new career ahead of you. He is a married old man with children, he is low income, and he has no values, he pays no child support and the only thing that he deserves is visiting privileges with his son. I am glad that you had [Your Classmate] to give [Your Child] some time and attention and to let him know how a male figure should treat a young boy. Continue to pray and in time your feelings for [Luv] will be only of freindship and your future will be very bright with opportunities work related and relationship related.

response 6:

awwww, you are so sweet! Hey, I was pleasantly surprised to get the card and e-mail from you. The card was totally unexpected and put a smile on my face. You know we'll be friends for life, no doubt about it! I'm always here if you need me and I know you'll be there for me too. I guess I have to send you some pictures before I get some from you :) smile I'll do my best to put some in the mail soon. I couldn't register with facebook, I don't know my work e-mail and I don't have a CAU address (I didn't really read the directions thoroughly) maybe I'll try again later. Take care and e-mail me/call me soon. Luv Ya like a sister :)


response 7:

THAT WAS SO TOUCHING!! YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD HEARTED PERSON AND EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS THINGS ARE TOO TRYING YOU WILL ALWAYS FIND THE STRENGTH TO GO ON. I LOVE YOU

What Had Happen Was...

I was tired and I was depressed and just wanted to give up.
That's it in a nutshell about why I didn't blog in almost 3 months. I just couldn't take it, I had no one to run to... even though I kept playing that Xscape song, noone seemed to get the hint.
I needed to be rescued...Yes, me, the strong one...I needed help.

So I think it started when...
Luv called me with that mess back in January. (sorry I'm too lazy to find the post to link it here) But n e ways, that was the beginning of my derailment.
I think I really just understood for the first time so clearly, how much of a fool I had played for him...Then the IRS called and sent their letter telling me I owed $6000 and needed to pay.
Even before I talked to them Gurls, I knew what had happened and there was nothing for me to do but keep it moving.
So that's what's I tried to do...But you know how people try to kick you when you down.

So then Luv's best friend, my "brother", the one I had been holding down while he was locked down, started playing the 50. Was making random calls at random times asking who was in my house and if I had somebody. This nig would try to stop by unannounced and I would purposely feed him lines that Luv would regurgitate days later.. Then dude gonna tell me that he doesn't want me calling Luv or dude's brother cuz he wants me all to himself. Yeah, beat it junkie, you can't even patch up mice holes well enough so them bastards don't get back in...


Then My Child started breathing really funny...breathing so you could see every rib and organ in his body...he made this circle under his lungs..and I was beaten down...I knew I should call the ambulance but I didn't. I just did not feel like going through the whole "911 what's your emergency?" I think they got my number locked in their caller i.d. I gots so many emergencies. So, I called the hospital instead, checking to see who was on duty. I wasn't in any mood for any drama. Fortunately, one of my MBC was the head nurse and my real baby daddy was the attending. I took My Child to the ER and they were like we are keepin him..something is blocking his airways and we need to find out what. So after a week of being in the hospital, we found out that he had baby asthma and that his tonsils were too big for his body. They rested on his wind pipe when he went to sleep. At one point the doctors were talking about intebating him (shoving a tube down his throat so that he could breathe) but I wasn't having it...See, I may have been tired and feeling defeated, but that didn't mean that I was going to sit back and let them do just ANYTHING to my child. so it was decided that he would need to have surgery right away to get his tonsils out..this was despite the fact that he was 2yrs short of the age they normally do this procedure. So, my classmate ran everything threw his parents who are doctors...and his dad was against it until he realized that if it wasn't done, My Child might die due to how enlarged his tonsils were. Well, my classmate went with me to make sure the date i scheduled the surgery coincided with his availability.

The only reaction I got from LUv was, "let me know when he gets it done...he gonna be good, ain't gonna snore any more."

So we scheduled the surgery, it was scheduled in April, which put me on edge. You know, I already had one child die in April...morbid I know...but I have learned that I always need to prepare for the worse and hope for the best. The night before the surgery, I just had a bad feeling that I couldn't shake...but the good thing was that I wasn't going to go through the ordeal by myself...my classmate was going to be there. We were supposed to be there at 5 a.m. and at 3 am, I got a txt from my classmate stating he wasn't going to be able to make it...had a family emergency...(how nice, so I will be alone after all).

At 4 am, I started getting ready, I hadn't been to sleep but I hadn't bathed either. so then I got My Child up who couldn't understand why he couldn't eat or drink anything...in his mind he was like, well why did you wake me up? We arrived at the hospital and everybody throwing love my way cuz they know me and love me and My Child. The funny thing is, we ran into MY Child's cousin who I hadn't seen since beforeI was pregnant, she was there because her son was getting a similar procedure done by the same doctoor. So now, I 'm extra mad cuz Luv's the reason my child is suffering so...how dare he give My Child his defective genes.

My Child was supposed to go 1st but since he was so hysterical, his cousin went before him. I really wished my classmate or anyone was there with me cuz my stomach was starting to knot and it really felt like I was going to hurl at any moment.

They wound up sedating My Child to calm him down before they took him back because they were not going to be able to put him under at the rate he was going. (In retrospect I wonder if he was going off cuz he had the same feelings I was having....) That was 9am, he was supposed to come out at 11, and we were supposed to be released to go home at 1pm. I was antsy so I made some calls, to my classmate to let him know he had went back and to Luv, just a courtesy call...(cuz deep down, you do hope that your kid's sperm donor ain't that heartless)..then I went up to the cafe to get something to eat and talk to my mean cousin.

I got some bacon and wheat bread, but I didn't feel much like eating it, so I just held it while I talked to my cousin who was working the cash register. It was funny to see how the patrons faces dropped when they realized she was the only cashier open. And even funnier to see how they jumped outta her line, almost knocking each other down when the other registers begin to open. I'm not sure why she is mad at the world...but she is. It was weird, she normally has a lot to say about how piss poor a mama I am when she finds out that I am at the hospital yet again, cuz something is wrong with My Child, not today. Maybe she saw that crazy woman lurking behind the corner of my eyes....maybe she knew that today would possibly be the day she would meet her maker if she started with me...who knows, maybe i looked too easy a target. Anyways, at 10:58, I headed back down to the surgery waiting room, waiting for the nurse to come get me to take me to the recovery room, letting me know that My Child was there. As soon as I got there, the nurse was waiting for me and the look on her face told me something wasn't quite right.

I followed her to the recovery room, never saying a word, all the while praying for strength to deal with whatever I was about to face...alone. I walked in to see my child's nurse moving back and forth frantically calling for the receptionist to page his doctor. I looked at the stat machine, his bp was 200 over 165.... Yeah, he was in respiratory distress and could possibly have a heart attack. As the nurse, began moving the crash cart closer, this is when I understood how ignorance could be bliss. There wasn't much anyone in that room could tell me cause I knew all the code name for distress patients and I knew all to well what the end result could be....


I watched emotionlessly as the doctor came in and revived My Child and as they shot him with this drug and that drug trying to stabilize My Child. I didn't even flinch when My Child caught glimpse of me and screamed for me. I stood, stuck to the ground, with my eyes darting back and forth following his doctors and watching his stat monitor. Nothing was changing, his bp wasn't dropping and his hysteria wasn't helping...the doctor had to give My Child something to calm him down. It made him fall asleep. The nurse looked at me and said the words that set me free from the spot that held me prisoner,"Go take a walk and come back, get some air, regroup, he's sleep, I will watch him."


I made it to the door before I broke down. The tears just wouldn't stop coming. My spirit was defeated. I just was like not again, I can't do this again and be left to carry a hurt that no one else will understand. I went to the bathroom and stared in the mirror. I told myself that it ws time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had other things I needed to deal with and I better get it together, I could cry about this another day. I left that bathroom a little lighter. I called my classmate and told him that My Child was in recovery but wasn't stable yet so I didn't know if he was going to be released. He was like okay, call me when you know. His nonchalant attitude made me hot, but then I had to remind myself that he was not My Child's father and wasn't obligated to care. But it still hurt. I called Luv's job and he was gone for the day....and seeing he did not have my cell number, I wouldn't be hearing from him until the next day. I went back to the recovery room, still no progress. Then my phone starts blowing up with texts from my classmate..I had to laugh cuz I could already tell what had happened....The text told me to call his mama...So, I'm taking it that he relayed the message to his mother who was like WTH?!? and probably was like "not stable" ain't good son. So, then his mama calls down there because I'm taking too long to call her. I told her everything that was going on and expressed that I believed they had given him something that caused him to go into respiratory distress.

So needless to say, I felt better knowing someone was concerned about US and understood I was probably on the verge of cracking. I received a text from my classmate stating that as soon as My Child was admitted, he would be up there.


At 6pm, My Child's bp stabilized but his other stats were still high so they admitted him. At 6:20, my classmate was up there with food in hand, trying to convince me to go home and get some rest. I laughed at him. His response, "Yeah, my momma said you would not be leaving tonight, but it was worth a shot....and when you said that he wasn't stable, I was thinking he ain't never stable (mentally), I wasn't thinking he wasn't stable stable."

We stayed for a week, at the end, one of the doctors admitted that one of the anesthesia they gave him reacted with his asthma and caused him to go into respiratory distress. I lit into him, and my classmate saved him. (claiming he didn't have a chance, like a lion attacking a baby, so it felt like the right thing to do). Whatever!!!


After that, everything is a blur...I do remember deactivating my Xanga and Facebook pages because people were overstepping their boundaries with me...and I do remember being a lil sad on My Twin's birthday. and then getting the news that my mortgage check and my hairdresser's check had bounced....i think i was more upset abt my hairdresser's money bouncing even if he was the cause of my hair falling out, he always fits a gurl in and have her looking good on the shortest notice...then there was the neverending mice terds I woke up to in my kitchen...one of the faithful ten kicked me outta her wedding and finally my decision to sell my condo. I gots too much pride to let them snatch it from me....and this had me feeling down(but now i can't wait to be rid of mickey and his crew)....along with the fact that I didn't have any money to buy my mama anything for Mama's day, so I sold some books and got enough money to allow me to go out to eat with her and the rest of the fam on mother's day....

which is the day that i finally resolved that enough was enough....the next day would mark the day that changed my life...it was the day I died. the day I stopped expecting good things to happen to me, yup, the day My Second Twin died, the day after Mother's Day marked my six year anniversary of not living and I was tired. I was tired of always looking over my shoulders and holding my head down and protecting my heart in such a way that no goodness was getting in...in a way that i was preventing myself from healing. The day that I had shut out my sistas and mamas and brothers.

Maybe I was afraid that if I lived, I would be a bad mother...that deep down I would feel that I didn't love my babies enough. Maybe I would feel like i had bought into the crap that "everything happens for a reason, and that it was for the best that they were not here."


whatever, I'm done with that phrase, come hell or high water, the book will be published next year, so be looking.

I feel like I'm Johnny 5 right now....I'm ALIVE!!!!!!!!!

(yeah, that's what had happend..... in a nutshell)

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT

Finish the following sentences...

1. The last person I hugged was: MY CHILD
2. Never in my life have I: GONE TO JAIL FOR MYSELF
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always make me smile is: MY CHILD
4. High School: THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE
5. When I'm nervous: I PICK MY NAILS
6. The last time I cried was: THIS MORNING
7. If I were to get married right now my maid of honor/best man would be: AMEN AND THEN THERE ARE 5 MOH
9. My hair: LETS NOT GO THERE
10. When I was 5: I LEARNED HOW TO FAKE LIKE I DIDN'T WEAR MY FEELINGS ON MY SLEEVE.
11. Last Christmas: I SLEPT
12. Last New Years: I SHOOK MY BOOTAY IN MY HOOKER OUTFIT
13. I should be: working
14. When I Look Down I See: ALL THE WORK I SHOULD BE DOING
15. The craziest recent event was: I WENT OFF ON CRUSH
16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: THAT BLACK GURL THEY NEVER SHOWED
17. By this time next year: I WILL BE A BETTER PERSON THAN I WAS THIS YEAR
18. Current thing you are doing: this survey
19. I have a hard time understanding: MEN
20. One time at a family gathering: MY FAMILY STARTED PACKING AWAY THE FOOD BEFORE THE GATHERING WAS EVEN OVER...WAY BEFORE...LIKE UM 6HRS BEFORE
21. You know I like you when: I GIGGLE ON QUE
22. If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: MY FAITHFUL TEN
23. Take my advice: WITH IN A MOMENT'S TIME, YOUR WHOLE LIFE COULD CHANGE
24. My ideal breakfast is: WAFFLE SUNDAE
25. If I visited the place I was born: DA CHI
26. I plan to visit someone sometime soon: NYC HERE ISE COME
27. If you spend the night at my house: u sleep'n on the floor, IF YOU COULD FIND IT
28. I'd stop my wedding if: MICHAEL JORDAN ASKED ME TO
29. The world could do without: GREED
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than date: UM, SORRY, I AIN'T LICKING NO COCKROACHES
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself:I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN THAT HAPPENS
32. Most recent thing someone else bought for you: ONE OF MY MBC GOT ME SHOES AND 2 TOPS FOR MOMMY'S DAY
33. My favorite blonde is: what the hell
34. My favorite brunette is: what the hell
Someone erased ..35 and ..36....
37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: PEOPLE
38. I shouldn't have been: listening to them whores
39. Once, at a bar: NOW YOU KNOW A LADY NEVER GOES INTO A BAR
40. Last night I was: SLEEPING FOR ONCE
41. There's this guy I know who: MAKES ME WANT TO RUN THROUGH THE STREETS NAKED
42: I don't know: WHY I HAVE TO BUMP MY HEAD 1 BILLION TIMES BEFORE I LEARN MY LESSON
43. A better name for me would be: SENSITIVE ONE
44. If I ever go back to school I'll say: YES, I AM STILL HERE, GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT
45 My birthday is: EVERYDAY
46. What I really want for Valentines day is: 2 be treated like this everyday
47. I'm wearing: JEANS...HELL YEAH, CUZ ITS FRIDAY!!!!!!
48. Tomorrow I am: GOING TO BE RUNNING AROUND LIKE A CHICKEN WITH NO HEAD
49. The last thing I ate was: A BANANA
50. The last person I texted was:MY CLASSMATE


NOW IT'S YOUR TURN

.....I had to do something to keep you busy while I finish reading all the blogs I missed.

Ode to my PIC

So, I will explain why I've been away...Just not today.

The other day, I went to my school graduation...I was volunteering or so they thought..I was really there trying to scope out how easy it was going to be for me to smuggle in more people than i had tickets for, for my graduation next year.. It proved to be almost a total waste of time cuz it was like a practice graduation and the real graduation is not even going to be at the location where we were...so yeah, back to the drawing board...and I wonder why Crush always be calling me the Ultimate Hustler......


Anyways, the speaker for the day was very delightful and he said some things that really touched my soul...some things that really made it click for me....some things that made me cry.
He said these simple words: don't go thru life comparing yourself to the next person and don't let your "somedays" die without ever seeing the light of day.

and he was right... I couldn't go through life wondering why people who couldn't find their buttholes when we were in high school were now millionaires and I was a poor pauper... I couldn't wonder why I was once again interning for nothing when the jerks who backstabbed and cheated and did all sorts of things were getting paid 25oo a wk...I couldn't keep comparing myself to others or I would miss the beauty of being me...and it's hard, im telling you, it's hard to be satisfied with what you have. It's hard to not believe the grass is greener on the other side. IT's hard out there for a pimp, so you know it's hard out there for lil ole me.


So I thought about how my life had started changing a couple of months ago...w/ getting tossed out the wedding and all...(naw, im not bitter) and i thought about when my outlook had changed...it was when my PIC came back into my life.

it's something about that heafa that brings out the superwoman in me. see she has been my alter ego for as long as i can remember...and secretly, i have been jealous of her. she had the great family that was oh so close, she had the coolest clothes and always seemed to be having the best time. she always had all the dudes chasing her and she had a fine grandfather too. so when we are together, i have to step my game up because i don't want her to think i am not cool enough or whathave you... it always feels like i have to impress her cuz she has done all of the celebs and chilled with some cool peeps.


so when she came back and i told her how chaotic my life had been due to her not being in my life, resulting with me having to deal with amateurs to do some high tech stuff, like make a prank call to LUV's job to put fear in his heart, she couldn't help but laugh...and when I told her abt Crush and how I giggled uncontrollaby in his presence, she gave me the courage to take it to the next level...just simply because i didn't want to let her down...didn't want her to think that i was lame...and others noticed this newfound confidence.


But the more I thought abt our relationship after listening to the speaker's voice, I realized something that I probably would have realized a long time ago if I wasn't so busy trying to impress PIC...and that's that I was PIC's alter ego... strange as it may seem, I think she thought i had the better life...or she may have been jealous or envious of some of the things I have going on for me... not sure why, but it's true. (she probably would never admit it) but to think i have been going this long comparing my life according to what she had done... and she probably looking at her life and comparing it to what i have done.. Life's funny like that.


and life is too short and i may never be rich enough to stop working so i can work on MY CHILD's entertainment career or find an agent for my book, so i can't keep saying some day when I have the time and the money im going to do x, y, and z.....


My some day is today....how about yours?


(PS, i am reading all that i have missed so bear w/ me if I didn't comment on your page yet.)

so today i did something i haven't done in months... (besides blog)
I opened my mailbox just to see what bills awaited me....
and dang it if i didn't have two tickets...got caught by them cameras...
the worse part, i am just too tired to fight them.
i mean, not much i can say to the before pic of me coming to an already red light
to the second pic of me going thru the red light
and the last pic of my plates
I MEAN IT WAS RAINING and my breaks weren't and nope still aren't working and seeing i was coming down a hill....
it wasn't much i could do to stop, so i had no choice but to coast thru....
But something tells me that the judge ain't gonna be tryn to hear that.


So I have a lot of catching up to do with your lives and u mine...and u know i gots to tell it how it is. But we will have enuf time for that.

Today, I sent out a PSA to all of my MBC and SBC (mamas and sistas by choice) because I have been a pist poor excuse for a daughter and a sister these last six years.. but, now i am ready to make things right if they will allow me. and this is what i sent, hopefully, they will all reply and we can go from there. the first part of implementing change is accepting that there is a need to change and then opening up yourself for that change to happen.....


Words could never express......What I feel in my heart for you. I know it has been a long time since I have said this, but I love you and appreciate all that you have done for me and DA BOI (mikey). When I get down and start feeling sorry for myself, I start to think about how Jehovah blessed me with so many "mamas by choice" (MBC) and "sistas by choice" (SBC)....and how it wasn't easy rearing me which is why the whole neighborhood and then some had a part in my upbringing.
I want to thank you all for being my mama and treating me like one of your own and most importantly, giving me a foundation to fall back on when I run into rough spots with this rock headed boy.
I want to thank you all for being my sistas and holding me down when I was too tired to speak up for myself or for coming and getting Da Boi when I had had enough and needed a break. Cuz, mamas get tired too.

I want to thank you for being Mamas and Aunts and Grams and GAMS to Da Boi, giving him all the love and attention that he needs

And I want to apologize for not being the best daughter, sista, friend I could be these last six years. Know that I do love you and do think about you constantly, but I just needed to go through what I needed to go through to get to the next phrase in my life.
You all are inspire me to keep going, even when I feel like just lying down and saying to hell with it. and for that, I am forever grateful... I will do better from this day forth to make it a priority to stay in touch cuz life is too short to go thru hoping people know how I feel about them.

Love always,


ITS GOOOD TO BE BACK BLOGSPOT FAMILY