What Had Happen Was...

I was tired and I was depressed and just wanted to give up.
That's it in a nutshell about why I didn't blog in almost 3 months. I just couldn't take it, I had no one to run to... even though I kept playing that Xscape song, noone seemed to get the hint.
I needed to be rescued...Yes, me, the strong one...I needed help.

So I think it started when...
Luv called me with that mess back in January. (sorry I'm too lazy to find the post to link it here) But n e ways, that was the beginning of my derailment.
I think I really just understood for the first time so clearly, how much of a fool I had played for him...Then the IRS called and sent their letter telling me I owed $6000 and needed to pay.
Even before I talked to them Gurls, I knew what had happened and there was nothing for me to do but keep it moving.
So that's what's I tried to do...But you know how people try to kick you when you down.

So then Luv's best friend, my "brother", the one I had been holding down while he was locked down, started playing the 50. Was making random calls at random times asking who was in my house and if I had somebody. This nig would try to stop by unannounced and I would purposely feed him lines that Luv would regurgitate days later.. Then dude gonna tell me that he doesn't want me calling Luv or dude's brother cuz he wants me all to himself. Yeah, beat it junkie, you can't even patch up mice holes well enough so them bastards don't get back in...


Then My Child started breathing really funny...breathing so you could see every rib and organ in his body...he made this circle under his lungs..and I was beaten down...I knew I should call the ambulance but I didn't. I just did not feel like going through the whole "911 what's your emergency?" I think they got my number locked in their caller i.d. I gots so many emergencies. So, I called the hospital instead, checking to see who was on duty. I wasn't in any mood for any drama. Fortunately, one of my MBC was the head nurse and my real baby daddy was the attending. I took My Child to the ER and they were like we are keepin him..something is blocking his airways and we need to find out what. So after a week of being in the hospital, we found out that he had baby asthma and that his tonsils were too big for his body. They rested on his wind pipe when he went to sleep. At one point the doctors were talking about intebating him (shoving a tube down his throat so that he could breathe) but I wasn't having it...See, I may have been tired and feeling defeated, but that didn't mean that I was going to sit back and let them do just ANYTHING to my child. so it was decided that he would need to have surgery right away to get his tonsils out..this was despite the fact that he was 2yrs short of the age they normally do this procedure. So, my classmate ran everything threw his parents who are doctors...and his dad was against it until he realized that if it wasn't done, My Child might die due to how enlarged his tonsils were. Well, my classmate went with me to make sure the date i scheduled the surgery coincided with his availability.

The only reaction I got from LUv was, "let me know when he gets it done...he gonna be good, ain't gonna snore any more."

So we scheduled the surgery, it was scheduled in April, which put me on edge. You know, I already had one child die in April...morbid I know...but I have learned that I always need to prepare for the worse and hope for the best. The night before the surgery, I just had a bad feeling that I couldn't shake...but the good thing was that I wasn't going to go through the ordeal by myself...my classmate was going to be there. We were supposed to be there at 5 a.m. and at 3 am, I got a txt from my classmate stating he wasn't going to be able to make it...had a family emergency...(how nice, so I will be alone after all).

At 4 am, I started getting ready, I hadn't been to sleep but I hadn't bathed either. so then I got My Child up who couldn't understand why he couldn't eat or drink anything...in his mind he was like, well why did you wake me up? We arrived at the hospital and everybody throwing love my way cuz they know me and love me and My Child. The funny thing is, we ran into MY Child's cousin who I hadn't seen since beforeI was pregnant, she was there because her son was getting a similar procedure done by the same doctoor. So now, I 'm extra mad cuz Luv's the reason my child is suffering so...how dare he give My Child his defective genes.

My Child was supposed to go 1st but since he was so hysterical, his cousin went before him. I really wished my classmate or anyone was there with me cuz my stomach was starting to knot and it really felt like I was going to hurl at any moment.

They wound up sedating My Child to calm him down before they took him back because they were not going to be able to put him under at the rate he was going. (In retrospect I wonder if he was going off cuz he had the same feelings I was having....) That was 9am, he was supposed to come out at 11, and we were supposed to be released to go home at 1pm. I was antsy so I made some calls, to my classmate to let him know he had went back and to Luv, just a courtesy call...(cuz deep down, you do hope that your kid's sperm donor ain't that heartless)..then I went up to the cafe to get something to eat and talk to my mean cousin.

I got some bacon and wheat bread, but I didn't feel much like eating it, so I just held it while I talked to my cousin who was working the cash register. It was funny to see how the patrons faces dropped when they realized she was the only cashier open. And even funnier to see how they jumped outta her line, almost knocking each other down when the other registers begin to open. I'm not sure why she is mad at the world...but she is. It was weird, she normally has a lot to say about how piss poor a mama I am when she finds out that I am at the hospital yet again, cuz something is wrong with My Child, not today. Maybe she saw that crazy woman lurking behind the corner of my eyes....maybe she knew that today would possibly be the day she would meet her maker if she started with me...who knows, maybe i looked too easy a target. Anyways, at 10:58, I headed back down to the surgery waiting room, waiting for the nurse to come get me to take me to the recovery room, letting me know that My Child was there. As soon as I got there, the nurse was waiting for me and the look on her face told me something wasn't quite right.

I followed her to the recovery room, never saying a word, all the while praying for strength to deal with whatever I was about to face...alone. I walked in to see my child's nurse moving back and forth frantically calling for the receptionist to page his doctor. I looked at the stat machine, his bp was 200 over 165.... Yeah, he was in respiratory distress and could possibly have a heart attack. As the nurse, began moving the crash cart closer, this is when I understood how ignorance could be bliss. There wasn't much anyone in that room could tell me cause I knew all the code name for distress patients and I knew all to well what the end result could be....


I watched emotionlessly as the doctor came in and revived My Child and as they shot him with this drug and that drug trying to stabilize My Child. I didn't even flinch when My Child caught glimpse of me and screamed for me. I stood, stuck to the ground, with my eyes darting back and forth following his doctors and watching his stat monitor. Nothing was changing, his bp wasn't dropping and his hysteria wasn't helping...the doctor had to give My Child something to calm him down. It made him fall asleep. The nurse looked at me and said the words that set me free from the spot that held me prisoner,"Go take a walk and come back, get some air, regroup, he's sleep, I will watch him."


I made it to the door before I broke down. The tears just wouldn't stop coming. My spirit was defeated. I just was like not again, I can't do this again and be left to carry a hurt that no one else will understand. I went to the bathroom and stared in the mirror. I told myself that it ws time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had other things I needed to deal with and I better get it together, I could cry about this another day. I left that bathroom a little lighter. I called my classmate and told him that My Child was in recovery but wasn't stable yet so I didn't know if he was going to be released. He was like okay, call me when you know. His nonchalant attitude made me hot, but then I had to remind myself that he was not My Child's father and wasn't obligated to care. But it still hurt. I called Luv's job and he was gone for the day....and seeing he did not have my cell number, I wouldn't be hearing from him until the next day. I went back to the recovery room, still no progress. Then my phone starts blowing up with texts from my classmate..I had to laugh cuz I could already tell what had happened....The text told me to call his mama...So, I'm taking it that he relayed the message to his mother who was like WTH?!? and probably was like "not stable" ain't good son. So, then his mama calls down there because I'm taking too long to call her. I told her everything that was going on and expressed that I believed they had given him something that caused him to go into respiratory distress.

So needless to say, I felt better knowing someone was concerned about US and understood I was probably on the verge of cracking. I received a text from my classmate stating that as soon as My Child was admitted, he would be up there.


At 6pm, My Child's bp stabilized but his other stats were still high so they admitted him. At 6:20, my classmate was up there with food in hand, trying to convince me to go home and get some rest. I laughed at him. His response, "Yeah, my momma said you would not be leaving tonight, but it was worth a shot....and when you said that he wasn't stable, I was thinking he ain't never stable (mentally), I wasn't thinking he wasn't stable stable."

We stayed for a week, at the end, one of the doctors admitted that one of the anesthesia they gave him reacted with his asthma and caused him to go into respiratory distress. I lit into him, and my classmate saved him. (claiming he didn't have a chance, like a lion attacking a baby, so it felt like the right thing to do). Whatever!!!


After that, everything is a blur...I do remember deactivating my Xanga and Facebook pages because people were overstepping their boundaries with me...and I do remember being a lil sad on My Twin's birthday. and then getting the news that my mortgage check and my hairdresser's check had bounced....i think i was more upset abt my hairdresser's money bouncing even if he was the cause of my hair falling out, he always fits a gurl in and have her looking good on the shortest notice...then there was the neverending mice terds I woke up to in my kitchen...one of the faithful ten kicked me outta her wedding and finally my decision to sell my condo. I gots too much pride to let them snatch it from me....and this had me feeling down(but now i can't wait to be rid of mickey and his crew)....along with the fact that I didn't have any money to buy my mama anything for Mama's day, so I sold some books and got enough money to allow me to go out to eat with her and the rest of the fam on mother's day....

which is the day that i finally resolved that enough was enough....the next day would mark the day that changed my life...it was the day I died. the day I stopped expecting good things to happen to me, yup, the day My Second Twin died, the day after Mother's Day marked my six year anniversary of not living and I was tired. I was tired of always looking over my shoulders and holding my head down and protecting my heart in such a way that no goodness was getting in...in a way that i was preventing myself from healing. The day that I had shut out my sistas and mamas and brothers.

Maybe I was afraid that if I lived, I would be a bad mother...that deep down I would feel that I didn't love my babies enough. Maybe I would feel like i had bought into the crap that "everything happens for a reason, and that it was for the best that they were not here."


whatever, I'm done with that phrase, come hell or high water, the book will be published next year, so be looking.

I feel like I'm Johnny 5 right now....I'm ALIVE!!!!!!!!!

(yeah, that's what had happend..... in a nutshell)