WHEN DOVES CRY

So this will most likely be a long post and it will most likely be my last post for some time. I will try and stay up with my fellow bloggers lives even though i won't be blogging.


So stuff is just falling in all around me. I've actually blogged before today but sometimes my computer would freeze in the middle, not allowing me to copy and paste, save or publish, and other times i would press publish and nothing new would show up on my page. Anyways, i can't sit still when things are going on in my life cuz it feels like i am outta control....and that's not a great feeling. Also, i am forced to acknowledge my problems when i am still...so i have been keeping busy. I have been running myself raggedy just so i don't have to deal with all the confusion in my life.


So my life got a lil bit derailed when my Unc called me and told me that Hitler had been rushed to the hospital because of chest pains and shortness of breath. While he is telling me this i am laughing cuz i am trying to figure out what made him go this time, i mean he gets chest pains and shortness of breath just walking up the stairs. So Hitler may have had a heart attack and you know what.... i didn't even care. It didn't phase me one bit to think that the call could have been a little different. My Unc could have been calling to tell me that Hitler was dead and you know what, it wouldn't have bothered me one bit. I mean, I don't think I would have grieved the way I should have grieved for my father. I shared this with my Unc who knows that if I am going to tell it, I am going to tell it as it is even if it ain't all that pleasant to hear. So he was like that if he did that I knew that I would have to come down and set up everything for him... I was like for what? I ain't the oldest....and I don't even talk to him. Why would i need to be the one to set up the arrangements. And the same went for Other...if she died, she better hope one of them kids she spent all of her time and money on came and made sure she was put to rest properly. I meant this with my whole being...come down and set up some arrangements, I wasn't even sure I would even attend their funerals. It's harsh, but, it is what it is...or so I thought

COMING OF AGE

So i gots to thinking about how I am loving the new me...loving being confidence and sure of myself in MOST situations... yeah, I am still avoiding some peeps....I am loving getting to know the old me. The thing is, I think the old me was a lil warped too. (just a lil) i mean i really didn't have a solid foundation, or maybe it was just cracked. I did what i needed to do to get to where i am today but now it's time to let it all go and grow up and become someone new. i can't live in the past in any form or facet if i am trying to achieve something great for my future.

So even though i utterly abhor my parents...they are my parents and i guess i do owe them some level of respect....and i need to find a balance that is comfortable for me, cuz it is still all about me. I need to stop holding grudges because if the shoe was on the other foot, i would want someone to forgive me. I wouldn't want my kids not talking to me for months, or in my case, years at a time. BUT, my situation is different, i don't abuse my child and i try my best to love him the way he needs to be loved.


So that had been weighing on my mind, about how mean and vicious and harden I have become, and it made me feel really bad inside. i don't want to be known as the lady who is mean for no reason. That's my Aunt's job.


I Can be a lot of things......


So there is some confusion going on with my mortgage and condo fees. They both keep going up and my reserves keep going down with nothing coming in to increase it. So pretty soon I am going to have to make a life altering decision and once i make it that's it. Cuz i can do a lot of things but being homeless ain't one of them. Just the whole idea of not having any place to live, scares me. And being me, I ain't gonna stand by and watch/let it happen. I will make the hard decision before they place my stuff on the street.


Matters of the heart


If everyone plays the fool atleast once, why does it hurt so badly when you realize you've just played that role?

MY CHILD has been sick. He's been hospitalized and each and every time he goes, in the back of my mind i am asking, "is this the time i take him and he doesn't come home?" so that's very stressful...and i am not being overly dramatic cuz anytime i take him cuz he ain't breathing, it's a possibility that he'll stop breathing again or that they won't get him to breath again. so my hair has started to fall out again. just when i was getting used to having some length to my hair, again. and i haven't slept much or eaten for that matter. BUT, i am maintaining.


My Girls are working my last nerves. It could be because I am so frustrated with everything or it could be that now every time they call me they want to USE me for something. I am so tired of being everyone's doormat. I have nothing left to give so I wish people would just leave me alone.


so my rant is done...sorry i have been away so long...just trying to figure which way is up.