What I made see the light of day in 2008

So, I have finally done something that I have been wanting to do...START a CAKE Biz... Yipee! Bizness is kinda slow right now, but I am getting rave reviews..funny, negroes always trying to get something for nothing or at a huge discount...i can't blame them cuz I am the same way..but anyways, this is my new side side side husla. I think my cakes look pretty good considering how many lessons I have had. The guitar was my fourth cake and I sold that one and the Snowflake one. The snowman cupcakes was just something I was toying around with...I sent those to school with my child right before winter break...it was his turn to bring treats..(yup, i was trying to showoff)

I must say as I am reflecting on my lessons learned and accomplishments made in the 2008 I can't help but patting myself on the back and saying "job well done." Sometimes we forget to do that...I know I do. I have overcome a lot of obstacles and removed a lot of stumbling blocks and unblocked a lot of blessings simply by getting down on my knees and asking HIM to guide me and me allowing him to.

Yall be safe and make 2009 the best year of your life todate.. I know I am... I plan to drop my book in the '09 and expect all yall to go out and support cuz a sista gots bills to pay and a growing boy to feed.

gotta luv moi,

smooches

No More Chocolate Cake Batter Ice Cream

Unfortunately, I haven't had internet access so my brain is overloaded with things I need to get out.

So the other day massah was cracking the whip extra hard because he is having lady trouble..and well I am just not caring. There was a water main break and our building was closed because the fire alarm/sprinkler system along with the toilets weren't working. So massah tells me to finish this letter and some more crap and I can leave...well an hour or so pass and I finally finish his laundry list of crap and as I am leaving he is walking back in the door talking about it's some BS, if the building was closed people wouldn't be able to come into the building and therefore i need to stay and do some more crap he has conjured up into his overactive brain as now being important. well, i am really not caring BECAUSE if a fire breaks out and we trapped all he gonna say is "just my luck" and all i am gonna say is "i don't want to die with you" (really, the way he constantly whines about everything just in general lets me know that he ain't gonna go down quietly...) so after i start whining about how i have to pee and can't because we can't use the toilet he sets me free....so when I finally get out I am tense. Massah irks me on a normal becuase he doesn't respect my personal space but he has really been irking me as of late because he beefing with one of his ladies. So I head to one of my favorite spots to hit up when I just want to escape only to find out that my day wasn't going to get any better.

I get to Cold Stone looking to get my chocolate fix...(I had been feenin for some Chocolate Cake Batter Ice Cream for a minute but had been fighting the urge because one, my pockets couldn't take it and two, when i was going there everyday my pants couldn't take it.)

I get there and I was told that they no longer carried my flavor because it was only Seasonal and therefore they have a right to move it out to move other stuff in (really, you moved out my stress reliever for some chocolate gingerbread mint crap?) they told me that i could get chocolate mixed in the regular cake batter and i'm like whatever, it's not going to be the same. But not trying to be acting like a pouty 2 year old I take it and leave and well it wasn't the same...it was cake batter with chocolate mixed in but it wasn't chocolate cake batter...that's when it hit me:

Some things in life really are seasonal...even though they may taste so dang old good and make us temporarily forget our troubles, in the long run they aren't good for us or to us...whether they are a financial strain or place a physical strain on us, they are only meant to be enjoyed for a limited time and when their season is over, we need to move them out and replace them with something current...or maybe just something seasonal...and sometimes it's going to be a miss like that nasty chocolate gingerbread mint and sometimes it will be a keeper like cake batter which started off as a seasonal item as well. And sometimes the replacement is not going to stack up to the original and well we can either deal with it and learn to adjust or we can wait for the Season to come back around when we can have what we want and maybe then it won't just be seasonal, it'll be a keeper.

The roadtrip of limitations

So i drove my child to the Chi' in the dead of winter...i know wtw was i thinking. well i was thinking that i had learned to drive in the worst of Chi-town's winters and well, i could do it again. so i loaded up my car, with my child, with snacks and pops, picked up my aunt and hit the road... and i was doing fine despite driving in the mountains in the dead of night with bigrigs flying past me on narrow turns. but i was confortable with where i was speed wise. i mean i was doing 65 through the mountain and that was putting me right on target with me getting to the Chi' in at least 9 hours instead of the 12 hours it was said to take. and we were HIGH in the mountains..up there with the fog and the eagles. so i wasn't trying to keep up with the bigrigs, i would catch them on the flat ground. so in about four hours time, i was coming out of the PA mountains looking and feeling good. my knee was holding up and so was my body odor..(driving cross country in a heated car is bound to make your deodorant run dry) but like clockwork, i started getting sleepy.. i asked my aunt if it was around 3 am cuz that is typically the time my body likes to shut down. she told me yeah...so at the next rest stop i pulled off, i didn't want to be driving and going to sleep with my child in the car. my aunt told me that she would dry so that we wouldn't get behind schedule..i asked her if she was sure..and she was like yeah.

i remember walking up and grabbing her arm as i felt the car jerk back and forth... i asked her if she was okay...she said yeah... i looked outside and there was noone or nothing around besides the pretty snow that had covered Ohio the day before. i watched her for a couple of minutes to make sure she was okay before doozing off back to sleep. some thirty minutes later i woke up feeling rested and told my aunt that i would take over, she told me that she was fine and that i should try to get a few more minutes of sleep.

well a few more minutes is all i got because i was suddenly awaken to the thump thump sound that had jolted me away the last time i had made this trip, when SB almost drove us off the side of the mountain. my eyes shot open as my aunt was saying 'i can't believe i just did this' and my heart dropped and i was thinking oh, no not this crap again...but i wasn't frightened because i was like we on flatland and i knew we weren't going off the edge of the mountain. i watched as my car cascaded off the side of the road and shot toward this embankment covered in ice, branches and snow. i remember jerking my head back and forth trying to think out the situation.. i remember glancing back at my child, who was still sound asleep...i remember thinking 'why is the Devil always after me.' i never said a word i just kept praying that we didn't hit the wall hard and was very thankful that i had move my child's seat from behind the passenger's side to behind the driver's seat. i watched as right before impact my aunt sharply turned the vehicle to the left, causing my body to be thrown into the door, as we narrowly missed colliding into the structure outside of the barb-wired fence. i let out a sigh of relief as i watched my car settle into some type of ravine/ditch filled with water and mud. i looked up towards the road watching as the car shot passed thinking 'someone had to see us go off the side of the road....why hasn't anyone stopped?'

my aunt looked at me as she tried to see if she could get the car to move. it was stuck...she tried to gather her thoughts together to explain how we had to come to be in the position that we were in... i just looked at my child who was still sound asleep. i told her that we were going to have to get towed out and she handed me her phone.. i called 911 ... 20 minutes into my call with 911 a passerbyer stopped and came to see if we were okay...they were traveling from VA. My aunt told them we were fine.. he asked if we needed anything and she told him no that help was on the way.

so the po-po's and the tow truck get there and examine our predicament. the po-po walked around the vehicle as much as he was capable too, trying to assess the damage. he then notice my child in the car and chuckled stating, 'it doesn't even looked like the lil guy woke up.' i said, 'he didn't and that's a blessing because he would have been petrified.'

the lil tow guy got us rigged up to his machine and after about 25 minutes, he had us back on the slick shoulder. the cop explained that the even though the roads were clear, the shoulders hadn't been treated. he examined my car and told me that it didn't look like much damage but that my car was covered in mud. (the right side of my car was covered in mud and my hubcap had been destroyed... the rain knocked most of the mud off but it was atleast 1 foot of mud on my car) he told me that since everything and everybody was okay no report would be done that we just needed to settle our bill with the tow guy and we could be on our way

well my cash flow was calculated and i was hoping he wasn't going to really put me in the hole..he was like 91 bucks if i needed a receipt and 40 if i didn't. so yeah, you know i ain't got proof of ever being towed out of that ditch.

we got back on the road and at the next pull off i took over and drove all the way to the Chi dropped my child off and turned around and drove back to DC ...the PA mountains were an adventure on the way back because my knee had swollen to the size of a baby watermelon and felt like it was going to sever itself from my thigh bone. my windows were fogging and refusing to defrost...my aunt couldn't find me a cd with enough bounce and beat to keep me motivated... the mountain's roads were getting slick and well um, i couldn't bring myself to ask my aunt to drive. so when we finally reached a rest stop i pull over to rest my knee. my aunt said she was gonna sleep some so she could help me drive because she didn't trust herself driving w/o rest because of the earlier incident. she told me to get out and stretch my legs...i got out and fell against the car. i couldn't stand on my leg let alone walk...i got back in the car in tears.... i cried myself to sleep. i woke some 2hrs? later and hit the road...my knee was better but i still didn't trust myself with putting pressure on it...so now instead of doing 65 through the mountain, i was doing 40 and sometimes less. it pained me to but my blinkers on... i didn't want to be identified as the slow car...but the fact was, i was the slow car and i rather get home safely then to speed and not get home at all. the ice storm we had left in the Chi had caught up with us... and for some reason my windshield wipers weren't working fast enough...and well the rain that it didn't knock off my glass instantly turned to ice...( i was going to take a pic of it but the man at the mickey d's window plucked it all off talking about people never did what they were supposed to do so he was gonna help us out.)

let me tell you that when i finally exited that mountain some 8 HOURS later, i was one happy and frustrated camper. i was happy because we were alive and frustrated because it had taken us longer to get through the mountain than it had taken us to get to Chi-town on the way down.

i asked my aunt if she could drive once we got on 270 she said yeah...i drifted off to sleep and woke up just in time to see the car drift across the lane...i called out to my aunt and she was like i don't know what's going on with me tonight...needless to say i stayed up the rest of the way home..

i thanked my aunt for coming because it had been fun: she got to see Chicago and I got to learn the beauty of recognizing my limitations. i knew that i wanted to drive straight through and stay under 10hrs in doing so, but the reality of it was, i couldn't do it. my knee had had enough and mine and my aunt's safety was more important than me getting back in record time. and i also realized that just because someone can drive, doesn't mean that they can DRIVE...it's a technique to driving across country and either you got it or you don't...and you got to recognize it and move on...

and to think i have to drive down and get him in a couple of days

The changing of the Seasons

it's something i have always been fond of about Chi-town, if you don't know nothing else, you know when the seasons are changing..

too bad my life hasn't mirrored the Chicago seasons...everytime i look, it feels like i am in the dead of summer. sweat stained, arm pit reeking, clothing peeling, butt stuck to the plastic seat cover, 108 degree summer. it's something about sitting with your hair plastered to your head, curls long gone, t-shirt and your panties on trying to fan cool air from somewhere to provide you with momentary comfort... it's something to look at yourself in all of your glory, or lack thereof.

when you all dressed up fly to death, it's easy to hide behind the fluff..it ain't too much hiding you can do when your spiral curls stuck to your forehead and the dripping sweat burning your eyeballs.

i have realized that i have wasted a lot of my time and energy trying to fight the powers to be...trying to prove this and be that..for what? everything ain't worth battling over because in the end people still gonna think what they want and do as they please. i have learned that there are some people that are always going to be jerks no matter what day of the week it is....and seeing that i can only control me and that when i finally close my eyes it's only going to be me and the maker that i needed to start living my life in such a way that it wouldn't matter what anyone else was or wasn't doing because i was doing what i was supposed to be doing. it's simple but somewhere on this road we call life, i had forgotten that...i had got caught up in the madness of living for someone else rather than living for myself.

it's funny how the temperature began to drop as i began to recapture and redirect my life's energy. yup, the season is surely changing and it looks like my perpetual personal summer is about to experience a long overdue snow fall.

it feels good to be among the living again.

Sometimes it really is the small things

so the other day i went to work around 3 am. yeah, i know, life sucks. i mean i didn't have to be there at 3 am, but considering that i only get paid for the hours i worked and that day i needed to be in B-more for a course on professional responsibility i had a decision to make: either suck it up and take an L for the work day or suck it up and get to work early to put in a couple of hours so my already scary looking pay check wouldn't cause me to go into cardiac arrest.

it was there at work that i discovered that one, i would have to go home and change..seems like i was supposed to be in business attire and two, i was going to have to cough up $65 bucks. life really sucked. it was bad enough that everybody in my wireless range had decided to finally "secure" their connection leaving me internetless for the last month. and well, massah was working me so much that i couldn't even manage to eat let alone surf the internet which was why i was just now finding out one and two.

so once in B-more i discovered that not only were they serious about the $65 bucks but that they were going to have me there all day and only feed me some month old donuts. wth!!! then these fools decide that they gonna treat us like we in highschool by keeping the attendance book closely guarded. not only did we have to sign in, but you guessed it, we had to sign out.. so i sat their from 8:30-1 something wondering how many times they were going to say congrats and if they really thought that by saying it so many times it would cause us to forget that they just took our $65 bucks and had us for the most part sitting in rooms talking about nothing... so not only wasn't i at work getting paid so that i could feed my child but i also was out of an additional $65 bucks..

well later that night my gas light came on and my child promptly notified me... i think he is afraid that i will make him push the car all by himself. so i pulled into the gas station and fished around until i found a twenty...looked at my child who ask, "is that all our money?" i just smiled at him as i calculated in my head if we were going to have enough to make it to my next pay day. i went inside the store and handed the man my $20 and went out to pump my gas. Half way through something strange happen, the gas cut off. I pushed a lil harder and it pumped a lil bit more and cut off again. I stared at the pump display in sheer confusion. I replaced the pump and went into the store and low and behold there waiting for me was CHANGE. i grabbed my money and ran to my car and burst into tears.. my child wanted to know what was wrong... and i told him:

"i just filled up the car for 16 bucks... look we have change!" and My child responded "yeah, we got change now we have money to buy something else...yeah, change."

i smiled all the way home...i couldn't remember the last time i had received change after pumping gas and the needle was past the F.

Because sometymes U gots to Vent for Otha folks

what do you mean, this is the last time i am going to throw it in your face?
NEGRO~ i will not only throw it in your face, put it in your face, slap it across your face and stamp it on your forehead, i may even get a shirt made... You'se trifling cuz you married! I asked you not once, not twice and not even thrice...I asked you a gazillion times if you were married to the chick living in your basement and you said, "NO" so why was it that when we got a knock at our door at some 3 in the morning you run out of our house leaving your phone, only to call me talking about "i gots something to tell you... I got married after we started dating." what in the ham sandwich do you think i am supposed to do and say?
um, nope i ain't telling you were i am going in this freak 'em dress on or what time i will be back cuz NEGRO YOU'SE MARRIED AND I WASN'T THE ONE YOU PUT THE RING ON!


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now Negro, i was being nice to you the first time i let you live when you pissed in my bed while i way lying there.... i tried to tell myself that you were too drunk to know what you were doing.. even though it wasn't until i told you that i wasn't giving you none that you decided to whip your thang out and pee... and i do vaguely remember you saying that if i didn't give you none that you would pee on me..but i am gonna block that out and keep telling myself you were too drunk to control yourself...but now you trying to piss on my floor talking about you hate to do this...yeah well i hate to do this too but me grabbing your manhood and trying to rip it off is for your own good. see, if you don't have it not only won't you be able to piss on me, my floor or any of my belongings but you won't be able to continue cheating on me...which means that i won't reach my breaking point and reach over and break your neck sending me straight to jail without passing go... so yeah, i am trying to pull it off... aren't you trying to piss on my floor... and yeah i do know you are drunk but we can't keep giving you a free pass on that one...and another thing if you keep telling me how good the other girls are i am going to ask you which one was the best so i can know who to mail your stump to.... wouldn't want her to be to be disappointed ... just because you gonna have to do without it, doesn't mean she has too. YOU'SE SOME TRASH AND I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF...KICK ROCKS ELEPHANT TERDS!


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oh, i'm sorry, what was that... oh, you were wondering what was going on because you hadn't heard from me in a month... and you were going to do what? if you hadn't heard from me in the next couple of days you were going to call me...how sweet. negro puleeze... if you can't tell let me break it down for you...you are no longer the apple of my eye so that bull jabber you spitting about how you were concern about me, you know that crap that used to make me melt, yeah, OVER IT...so why don't you continue spitting that to your new sucker cuz i am done being a lollipop for a lil boy... i specialize in grown men, and last time i check, you ain't one. yeah i know i told you you were one, but i lied; you ain't nothing but a good imitation of a man. just because it taste like butter doesn't make it butter and just because you look, smell and feel like a man, you 're not.. let me let you in on a lil secret, when you used to care and when you really were concerned, you called..you didn't think about it, you were about it..you called every day and now a month goes by and you like um, if i don't hear from her in a couple more days i am going to call.. smells like somebody needs their diaper change cuz it's full of number two and since i am as grown as the old oak tree in your front yard, it must be you.. better go see your mama so she can change that for you.. BOUNCE SUCKA UR KIND AIN'T WELCOME IN THESE PARTS N E MORE!


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aww what's that? you miss your child...you just want to know why you can't see your child? well last time i checked we just got into a recession which means you may have an excuse for not financially contributing to his well being now but what was your excuse all the other years? what's that? i'm sorry i can't understand the words coming out of your mouth, my ears are only able to decipher these words " i am a sorry good for nothing negro" and until you say those words any and everything you say will fall on death ears... you can see him when you pay for him.. um, yeah it's a cost to be a parent and last time i checked your grand total was zero... kinda ironic, eh, your total equals what you are A ZERO! now, be a sport and move, you blocking my sunlight.

Next Time Imma Have to Pass

so there's something wrong with me and the drs. are not quite sure what it is. so they gots me doing all kinds of tests and well i am sorta getting tired of being the human guinea pig. i am not stressed but i am overwhelmed. i just want to get this over already. tell me what i need to know. am i going to die? and if so, how much longer i gots to put up with all these idiotic people who keep trying to infringe on my happiness. i got a list of peeps i want to tell off right proper.. lol..

anyways a couple of weeks ago, i went to the doctor and he couldn't tell me if my kidneys were failing so he scheduled me for this new in and out surgical procedure..and well i was so in my feelings about him not being able to tell me what was wrong with me right then and there that i tuned him out about what he was going to do to me next.

big mistake

so friday i went and when i tell you that this was the most embarassing position i have yet to put myself in, believe it.. why was my twat in the air like it was some big screen. i got four peeps peering down into it while i got all these wires and whatnot coming from it and my rectum... believe me you when i tell you i was not a happy camper... i was sitting there looking at the dr like "forreal, is this what you had in mind? forreal?" and as if that wasn't bad enough, the grand finale just took it to another level. i had to sit on a toilet and pee...yes i said it. i had to pee for everybody in the room

now funny, i have had peeps pee while i am in the room, but typically they would be drunk so they wouldn't care and wouldn't even be aware that other people were in the room. i wasn't drunk. i am sitting there like "forreal, i gots to sit on this toilet and pee..for real? is this how all this is going to play out?"

i don't know about you but i am not too particular about letting people know that when i pee it sounds like the Hoover Dam has sprung a leak.. and then the lil nasty attitude nurse gonna come yank the wires and cords and whatnots out of me... "forreal is that how you gonna treat my body...just yank these things that are embedded in my uterus and my bladder and my anus and my whatever... just yank them right out?"

if i wasn't in so much pain and so disgusted with the entire thing i think i would have tried to beat somebody down. and to think i was feeling sorry that the previous patient had pissed on the doctor... i hope she got him good!

Tainted Love

it's officially been a year since i have been trying to get you out of my system...it's funny because at first thought, i thought it had been just a year since i allowed you to enter into my life. time surely passes when you are keeping yourself busy with your muddled thoughts.

it's funny i remember the day i decided to pick up the phone and call you. i know it had been some months since we had chatted it up and well i was craving some attention, especially since bus driver had just went ghost. i remember calling you and detecting from the sound of your voice that you were not alone. you asked if you could call me back and i was like yeah... i was kinda heated and i didn't know why. it wasn't like i had taken you seriously and if the bus driver was somewhere to be found, i wouldn't even be punching your digits now.

i remember when you called back and some strange woman's name appeared on my caller i.d. and i was like wth? no, he didn't just call me from his girl phone. you called me about 5 more times that night and i refuse to answer. my pride wouldn't let me. the next day you called from your house phone and i picked up. you told me that you called me all night the night before...i had no clue to what you were speaking...you told me that you had the account switched to your mom's name so maybe that's why i didn't realized that you had called. i felt the egg matter tighten on my face just as it began to crack... i told you i would check the caller i.d. to see if anyone had called me but i doubted it..it was no way i was gonna let you know that i had in fact stared at the phone each time you called, calling you all kinds of names because of your boldness of calling me from a woman's phone...which now turns out to be your mama.

i remember how things just became a whirlwind...one minute we barely knew each other, the next, you were my best friend. just the sight of your face lifted my spirits now the thought of running into you makes me want to relocate. what a difference a year makes. i used to love you, so i thought. now as i ponder the nooks and cranny of what was our relationship, i am forced to address whether i loved you at all.

maybe i was just in love with the idea of being loved...not even in love. just being loved. being special to someone other than MY CHILD. so driven by that desire that it's taken me a year to see that you never really loved me because you never really gave yourself to me. you shared your dreams with me but not your fears. you shared your laughter but not your tears. you shared your body but not your soul.

love never fails when it's pure but that's all it does when it's tainted with deception, manipulation, selfishness, greed and lust. suddenly the perfect fit doesn't stick so well together