Tainted Love

it's officially been a year since i have been trying to get you out of my system...it's funny because at first thought, i thought it had been just a year since i allowed you to enter into my life. time surely passes when you are keeping yourself busy with your muddled thoughts.

it's funny i remember the day i decided to pick up the phone and call you. i know it had been some months since we had chatted it up and well i was craving some attention, especially since bus driver had just went ghost. i remember calling you and detecting from the sound of your voice that you were not alone. you asked if you could call me back and i was like yeah... i was kinda heated and i didn't know why. it wasn't like i had taken you seriously and if the bus driver was somewhere to be found, i wouldn't even be punching your digits now.

i remember when you called back and some strange woman's name appeared on my caller i.d. and i was like wth? no, he didn't just call me from his girl phone. you called me about 5 more times that night and i refuse to answer. my pride wouldn't let me. the next day you called from your house phone and i picked up. you told me that you called me all night the night before...i had no clue to what you were speaking...you told me that you had the account switched to your mom's name so maybe that's why i didn't realized that you had called. i felt the egg matter tighten on my face just as it began to crack... i told you i would check the caller i.d. to see if anyone had called me but i doubted it..it was no way i was gonna let you know that i had in fact stared at the phone each time you called, calling you all kinds of names because of your boldness of calling me from a woman's phone...which now turns out to be your mama.

i remember how things just became a whirlwind...one minute we barely knew each other, the next, you were my best friend. just the sight of your face lifted my spirits now the thought of running into you makes me want to relocate. what a difference a year makes. i used to love you, so i thought. now as i ponder the nooks and cranny of what was our relationship, i am forced to address whether i loved you at all.

maybe i was just in love with the idea of being loved...not even in love. just being loved. being special to someone other than MY CHILD. so driven by that desire that it's taken me a year to see that you never really loved me because you never really gave yourself to me. you shared your dreams with me but not your fears. you shared your laughter but not your tears. you shared your body but not your soul.

love never fails when it's pure but that's all it does when it's tainted with deception, manipulation, selfishness, greed and lust. suddenly the perfect fit doesn't stick so well together