The green-eyed monster has resurfaced again

Before i talk about that boogie man that comes out right when i am trying to become secure in a new comfort zone i want to say this..


The two JH's did their thing on the BET awards... but Jennifer Hudson (chi-town) blew Ms. Holliday outta the water, all that talkn smack for what? I mean she did her thang too but Ms. Hudson sounded better than she did on dream girls, i mean on one note she came from her toes to her head back down to her toes and stopped at the pit of her soul... and T.I. well that boi knows he soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dang ol tasty looking.


so the boogie mans comes out and sabotages things and i don't know how to control it... i don't know why i get jealous and a lot of times it be over stupid stuff. i mean i am so tired of being in my feelings over mole hills. but i am not quite sure how to be comfortable in the space that i occupy in other people lives. i mean how do you feel okay if your space doesn't appear to be secure? one day you at the top of their totem pole, they calling you when they need to make all the important decisons then next you are hearing about all the important decisions they have made... you go from being number one to not even existing.....

maybe it's because i have had to fight for so much in life that everything has become a competition for me "to stay on top" it's almost like a sickness. fighting for the spotlight.... i don't like being jealous ... it sort of sneaks up me and before i know it i'm off my square, now it's time for me to slaughter the boogie man cuz i am not really a fan of green eyes.

The bitterness justice has left

it's no doubt that the world we live in is outta control. but what happens when the systems put in place to protect us fail time and time again...esp if you are a minority. is the double standard ever going to end. i have a lot on my mind, like wth am i doing? do i really want to go and fight a losing fight being a lawyer? do i really want to deal with telling a client that the only justice they will be afforded is no justice at all, to cop to some time because in the long run that will be their best bet?

i can't accept that....not now, not never. if justice is blind, how is it that it knows when to be racist? is it our vernacular? the way we walk or the way we smell? i mean really, can't no one tell me that if the dude locked up in Georgia for having consentual oral sex with a 14yr older when he was 16 was white or if the girl had been black that he would be sitting in someone's jail house right now... this dude was originally given like 35 years for getting his little weed whacker serviced... now they don't even punish real rapist this harshly.

no one would be able to tell me that if the black cop in Ohio was accused of killing a black pregnant lady that his bail would have been set at 5 million... was Scott peterson's bail that high?

or what about them white kids who hung nooses on the tree after a black child sat under it? how was it that they only got suspended and not expelled...how was it that the black child had to ask permission to sit under a tree that was on public property... how was it that they were not prosecuted for a hate crime... Hate crimes are not protected by the Constitution.

why is it that it's the year 2007 and we still getting the doodooo side of the stick.


and why are all these men killing their babies and their babies' mothers? it is getting out of control. if you don't want no one to find out the dirt you are doing, don't do it or go and get sterilized and then you ain't gots to worry about a 'tell tell" baby ratting you out some 10 months later.

please take care of yourself and your loved ones...

one love
truthz

But what do you do when you no longer dancing with crazy but ...

.....You are Crazy?


what do you do when you feel yourself spinning outta control. you can see it happening but it's like you have no knowledge on how to stop it. you have said your final goodbyes, you have written the letters and set them on fire, you have gotten rid of everything that reminds you of them.... but you still feel drawn to them... you still find yourself seeking out the truth... you are neglecting other things that you need to do because you want to get to the part where you can say, "AH HA" and feel vindicated?


well needless to say i ain't done much studying for my boards. i had a lot on my plate BUT, i have removed some things... i got a payment plan for the parking tickets... even though i think they suspended my license... i'm not sure... i am no longer driving dirty...well i am but i'm not, I mean I am now insured but all my tags aren't quite right if you get me and MY CHILD thinks the back seat is his personal dump, so.....


i have accepted my friend's plight and have invested in stamps and envelopes to write the parole board...

i haven't talked to Dirty since October.... My Child's bday is coming up, I wonder if he is gonna stop by so he can see this child that he hasn't seen in almost 2 years...ain't that some crap? couldn't be me, but yet still running around screaming he miss his baby...

look for me on 106 and park when T.I. performs... if it doesn't interfer with my surgery date i will be there supporting my husband


okay immma go study cuz pretty soon i won't have free internet...

Running from Commitment

well my girl gots to serve some time and even though she is alive and not dead and got five and not life, it still doesn't seem fair. i feel sick way down past the pit of my stomach.... it's like i've been knocked 100 steps back. my faith in mankind has taken another direct hit... the tears I cry are tears of bitterness, why is it that trash always manages to find a way to ruin something nice?

i ruined a good thing, but a good thing ruin me also. i was doing so well just being over here hating all men and searching for my mythological "eduthug" but no, he had to come along and beg me to be his friend .... in life and on myspace... he put me in the number one spot right around the time he told me that i was his girl... exclusively. well when things got hot and heavy or heavy and hot, he scattered faster than a cockroach runs from the light.... and being me, i have to tell the truth, i did get really single white female on him after he told people i was his girl... it was something about the finality of it all that drove me insane... like i had lost control over the situation... so we both tried to sabatoge a good thing... i started acting really mean because my heart was digging him and MY CHILD was loving him... i wanted to run and some days i did but my heart and mind kept sending me back... for what? to hear him say it wasn't working for him... he didn't want to be in a relationship... but he said that only after he gave me the classic "it's not you, it's me...you are oh so perfect" and the i need to be more so i can be the man you want me to be... so today he deletes me from myspace, not only did he dethrone me he took me totally off his page, outta his space. then when i call and inquire about wth is going on, he says, you are still on my page... and i am so close to tears and to tell him to eat chicken poop that i just say yeah aiight and hang up.... so he calls n is like imma send you a friend request so you can be added back to my page... and i wanted to say wth for... but that is just my hurt talking so i say okay and accept him... and guess what he puts me back on, way at the bottom... his explanation is that he wants musical people to be first cause that's what he does, rap... and that would be cool if that was all that was in front of me... yeah PIC, she is in front of me (lol)... so i am wondering if i hadn't called would he had put me back on .... and how can i call someone and ask them about their space... he has made it clear that we can't share any type of space any more so i need to accept that and just let it go....


if i wasn't so dang on religious i think i would be totally done with dudes... supaheros aren't that great without their supa powers.

Holding My Breath

So, a year and a half has passed since I last spoke about my friend who killed her boyfriend...her trial has started and we are waiting for the verdict... this is like the hardest thing I have ever had to do...harder than carrying and pushing out MY CHILD...harder than trying to come to terms with my rape... harder than trying to make myself swallow my shame and bend my knees and ask God to forgive me

Will she live or will she die... her life is in the hands of 12 strangers who could care less about how their decision is going to impact those around them... it's funny because the entire situation has made me sit back and reflect on life... really reflect because in a blink of an eye, we can alter our entire future... not in the sense like how I altered mine by having a baby with a married man, but our decisions can mean life/death and freedom/confinement.

Life is about choices, the choices we are given and the choices we make... sadly sometimes we are left with no choices and have to rely on instinct and fear; nevertheless, when it gets to that point it's because we haven't taken advantage of the choices we were given prior to the point we reached where there is only one choice to be made

This entire incident may have been avoided if we as a people were not so consumed with how others see us.... if we were not so consumed with "keeping up appearances" and playing "roles" so that those around us will not know how bad our life really is. Well last time I checked, the last perfect person to walk this earth was long gone, which means that EVERYONE is dealing with something... whether it is heartache, abuse, rejection, lack of money, drugs, alcohol, death, sickness, unemployment, low self-esteem... you name it, people are dealing with it...and maybe if we were not so consumed with trying to hide, disguise, or distinguish our flaws, we would be able to pull together to help one another...

I don't know... cuz as my HEART has recently told me... I can work with the FBI because I am so secretive and the reason is because I never wanted people to know how I really felt and how sad and alone I really was...but maybe if I had shared and let someone know this, some of the things I have had to go through as a grown A lady, I wouldn't have had to go through them or at least not alone


One LUv'
take care of yourself and each other