May God have mercy on your soul

Dear Coward,

I don't hate you, i just don't understand you... i don't understand how you could have done what you did when you have two daughters of your own. It's sad cuz I don't think you realize how much your temporary moment of pleasure has reaked havoc on my entire life, my entire being... how it crushed my ego and altered my perception of the world... things got a whole lot darker and uglier and i stopped trusting others and most importantly, i stopped trusting and believing in me. I hope no one violates your daughters the way you did me. I hope they never have to walk in my shoes...
I hope that by saying this, I am freed of my last demon that has a hold of me. I hope that i am free to love and be loved completely. I hope that i start seeing things for all the good that it possess and not instantly focus upon the shadiness and ugliness. I hope you get some help for your sickness.
you need to get on your knees and thank God because it was not in his will for you to be dead, that is the only reason i can think of that i was not able to get my hand on that hammer cuz Lord knows i was gonna bash your brains out.. and that's the only reason i didn't give the go ahead to take you out...and that's the only reason your Mama's house, where i hope you ain't still living, is still standing.
i just wanted to know that i for everything you took for me, i will get back and then some because i am a survivor... you may have caused me to fall and stay down for a very long time, but the fact that i am moving and searching for a way to get back up on my feet or to even just crawl on my knees means that you did not totally destroy me..just mean you stunned me and caught me off guards.

may God have mercy on your soul
Truthz

The Battle of Two Souls

So, I went to the wedding and have pics to post as soon as I can I will along with the story, cuz you know there is always a story.

So WEB DUBOIS talked about the souls of black folks and how there is nothing worse than an African American because they will forever be battling themselves trying to figure out who they are...Are they African or are they American. Well, i think there is nothing worse than a confused, lost, unloved person, regardless of color..(i might have to rethink the regardless of color thing)

So, I wrote a letter to Other and it felt good...and the fact that i cried when i first reread it let me know that i wasn't over the hurt and pain which mean i didn't actually deal with the situation..hopefully now after i post these last two letters, i will be about to grow upward and stop moving and growing in a circle. My uncle keeps asking me, "what's holding you back from making spiritual growth, you always get to this point and you just retreat and fall off track."
My past is still holding me back....and here is me trying to brush them haters off once and for all.


Dear Hitler,

Well according to the book you are supposed to do this in some rational order but i don't know how well that's gonna turn out with this one. I think i will try and do the good first because i don't think it's really that much i appreciate about you. I have been stewing over this matter for two days trying to make sense of my thoughts in a manner that i could put them down on paper and make them make sense...but i can't really do that because my childhood didn't make sense and you didn't make sense as a father or a husband.

I appreciate the fact that you didn't know how to cook cuz it instilled in me at an early age that i need to get a man that can cook so if there comes a time that i leave him and leave the kids with him, my kids will not suffer with eating hotdogs and pork n beans for a week, a month, or however long it takes me to come back. I guess i should give you a C for your efforts in trying to do different things to the hotdogs and beans like cutting them up, adding barbecue sauce and bacon to the beans...i guess.
I am hoping there is something else that i appreciate about you, maybe it will come out later as i proceed on my trip down memory lane.
I don't think i have hated and despised a person more so than i have you! maybe your mama who betrayed me but that's a different story for a different day. Even the fool who made up the Spooky Fruit song, i like him and we were mad cool when i left for school. You destroyed me....you destroyed my spirit and you destroyed our family. Do you know how embarrassing it is for people to be afraid to call your house because they don't want to talk to that mean guy who answers the phone. You were evil for no reason and i hated you for that...it was like it killed you to see others having fun. I remember when we went to Disney World some 22 years ago. I remember you didn't want us to do anything. We wanted to go to Wet n Wild and you said for what, we had a pool at the hotel, we wanted to go back to the park and you said for what we had went the day before..WDH?!!! why take us for a week to Disney World if you only wanted us to spend a day at the park. Then i remember how you didn't want us to get in the hotel pool when you were using it..WDH...most parents would like to be in the pool with their kids especially at our ages to make sure we didn't drown..so what we could swim!!!! I remember that was your last trip with us. You were no fun and we wanted no parts of your mean and surly ways. You suffered but so did we...we grew farther as a family unit that was already non-existent. Now, I find myself being evil for no reason....i find myself staring down people who are having fun. what a sickness you have passed on!!!

I hated you for abusing us mentally and physically... all of us, i have to speak on the others too even though this is about me because what you did to them affected me in a very big way. You mistreated and abused Waywardone because your blood did not run through him, even opting to skip his wedding to go golfing. How Rude. Your excuse, you knew his mama was gonna be there. Get real with yourself, if that was my wedding, can you honestly say that you would have went golfing? hell to the naw, you wouldn't you would have cried if i didn't invite you and would have been there trying to play proud papa regardless of who was gonna be there. So now, I have this abnormal fear when non-biological people keep My CHILD... MY CHILD will never know his sister by his father's wife if it is left up to me...NEVER, because i have seen first hand what non-biological parents do to their spouse's kids.

You abused Useless because he was a threat to your manhood because his strength was evident...so you figured you would beat him down to a pulp (literally) and that would spare you from any future uprising. Sadly, you beat whatever that was useful right out of him and he may never recover...he may be Useless and Shiftless for the rest of his life...and he may never respect women because you never taught him that he had to. This is why for the last 6 years I have not said "boo" to someone i used to love so dearly.

Other... you beat other in front of her kids...what kind of man does that? right, a man doesn't do that...that's what an animal or a lil boy does. You jumped her for no reason because she wouldn't do what you said to do. She is a person not an animal and not a slave. You cheated on her shamelessly and expected and demanded forgiveness... You tried to control her and in turn you destroyed her and the rest of your family. Because of this, I have dated weak men, weak in body, weak in spirit and weak in the pockets. I have dated men that physically i could have a chance with...I have dated passive men because ain't nobody gonna control me, attempt to control me or tell me what to do the way you did her. Ain't no man gonna put there hands on me and LIVE!!!! i have dated men that i didn't have to depend on so they wouldn't be able to hold anything above my head, i have dated people that i could control and manipulate, so i have dated losers to make sure i don't date someone like you...but in doing so, i got someone exactly like you...LUV is exactly like you except he ain't no fool to put his hands on me cuz he knows without a doubt that i will bring that equalizer and wipe him and his family out!!!!! he even shares your name and your weight, how nice.

Me, you crushed my spirit when you should have been making it grow. I was supposed to be daddy's little gurl. I was until that incident on the front porch of me doing show and tell with my body parts. I remembered how you got a kick outta telling people how weak i was ...how you just had to yell at me to discipline me cuz i was so soft. I was and never have been soft, i am emotional, there is a difference and yours and your wife's foolishness probably gave me a nervous disorder. I remember how you used to embarrass me with telling EVERYONE that i peed in the bed...Do you think a 13 year old wants people to know they peed in the bed? did you think that was going to make me stop...the only thing that made me do was hate you more and made me perfect 1. my getaway plan and 2. your assassination plan. Now i am extremely sensitive to smells that are coming from my body...overly sensitive. I won't even carry MY CHILD when he has peed on himself for fear someone will think it's me. How absurd is that? You damaged my eardrum so now i can hardly hear....
You tried to control me....and now i rebel against all authority...NO ONE will control me and tell me what to do and what to wear. Ask the army? Not even you...did i take you for a loop when you told me to quit my job and i told you i wasn't going to quit my job unless you were going to give me the money i made from working...do you remember that? do yah? i can still see the vein piercing from your head. i also can remember the one satisfying thing about the whole incident: you knew as well as i knew that i was no longer afraid of you so I had won!! checkmate. yeah i knew you could and would kill me, but i no longer feared death, so i no longer had to fear you!!!! i remember you wanted me to quit cuz i spent the night over my aunt's house talking about i got a house of my own, that's probably why i feel so self-conscious and out of place at peoples home and probably why when i do come to visit i stay at others homes. I missed out on being a child because of you. yOu didn't even want us to go on the Bozo show...why? cuz we didn't need to be on t.v.
Do you remember when you cut the head off my bank and stole my money and had the nerve to ask me what i was looking at and to turn my head the other way...do you? i remember and everyday i get closer and closer to getting put out i think about the money MY CHILD has in his account that could buy me some time but i know deep down that I will probably never touch his money cuz i still remember how hurt i was when you STOLE my money and bought beer with it when we didn't even have food in the house and had been eating on soup and beans for over 2 weeks. i guess we will be homeless.
OH, i am very thankful that you love your grandchildren especially mine. I am so grateful for the car you bought him...that was a big help cuz taking public transportation with a brat was no fun.
You never SHOWED me how a man should treat me because you never treated my mother the way she should have been treated. You didn't respect her which made it easy for others to disrespect here. You never Showed me how a man should love me because you never took the time out to love us or show us you loved us...you were always so angry, so mad...so ugly. ....so violent. Now, I am so angry, mad, violent and down right ugly at times.
I was just lamenting about why and how i am able to keep grudges for so long without forgiving or letting go...and it hit me today as i was walking to meet a friend for lunch.. i have you to thank...when my heart died, your daddy, you waited until the last possible minute before going to see him...he held on for you!!! your bitterness was going to allow you to let him die without you all making amends..and i am the same way.
i was soooooooooo angry that you did not let me say goodbye to my baby, your brother... i still resent that...you knew how much i loved him and how much he, me. i think you did that out of spite just like you didn't let me go see STEVIE at the Taste or be a crossing guard...all out of spite...talking about i was a gurl...but funny thing is you used to tell people you had 3 boys.. and how you just stop allowing me to get male phone calls when you knew you had encouraged me to be a tomboy all of my life so all of my friends were males... wdh was i supposed to do without any friends. So now, I am so confused...never learned how to be a lady cuz i was out playing tackle football and never got to fully understand men cuz they became forbidden right when i needed them the most.
You taught me that if you make your bed hard, you will have to lie in it and that you will reap what you sow... I call your life poetic justice. and even though i would like to stand and gloat becuase it appears that you are reaping the hard bed that you made for yourself, i can't...because if i don't figure out how to shake off all of this toxic crap you have passed on to me, i will have the same fate.
I am grateful and love the fact that you had the sense to pick the best friend that you did because he has truly been a blessing for me...i thank Jehovah for him each day.
I don't want anything from you because i just don't... i just needed to get that out of my system so i can grow...so i can get baptized, so i can be found by the man that is truly going to love, respect and protect me for the rest of my life. I needed to say that so I can finally be free... You crushed my spirit but i am resilient and i will shine brightly again.

With deep regards,
Truthz


and hopefully with my last letter, i will be free to just live and start seeing and feeling like my movement is in a forward direction...so gurl, holdon, i have one more person to confront and then i will post the pic that will have you in stitches...i promise.

Finally, A Moment's REST

First off, let me thank everyone who was concerned about me. I love you, and that was love you showed because outside of maybe two people who read this blog, none of you have seen me in your life, but that doesn't mean you don't know me. Cuz what I put down on these pages are real. What I have been through is real...it ain't made up for your reading pleasure. And if I was lying about anything, trust and believe my PIC would have put me on blast a long time ago. Especially seeing how I be talking about her flaky behind in these blogs sometimes. Now, I am not suicidal, not to say I haven't been. I was...... but God knew what he was doing when he put that baby in my life because one thing i cannot be is a failure. And I would feel like a failure if I didn't see MY CHILD to his 18th b-day because of something I had done to myself. But I do get tired and I do get jealous and envious when I see people around me getting all this monetary support from their family and friends and all I get is "you are such a strong person, I don't know how you made it for three months with on 10 dollars to your name and no food in your house." It made me feel so unworthy, like I was defective and I didn't deserve to get helped or do anything besides struggle. After awhile, you get tired of running into a brick wall or you get tired of fighting the losing battle. It's like Kunta...he was so full of spirit and life, but in the end, he was "Toby, sir." And I know how to pray, and ain't afraid to get down on my knees and pray for everyone and their mama, but for some reason, I have a hard time praying for myself...i guess deep down I don't feel i deserve God's blessing. And yeah, some of the stuff I've stated, I've stated before but I keep coming back to it because something triggers the unresolved feelings that I have from my childhood. And yeah, it's easy to say let it go and move on, but you have to come to some type of closure with everything in your life or you will always find yourself revisiting that part of your life at the most inopportune time. So, I am reading this book, cuz I wanted to understand how men and women communicate with each other. I am tired of being alone...I am a nympho and I need some cuz I am horny, but I want to do it the right way. (um, i said I want to do it the right way) I want to be someone Mrs. and I am not ashamed to say that but i don't want to be their MRS. and still have all these crazy feelings running through me that I can't control or comprehend. Like why am i so terrified of being abandoned and rejected? Why do I crave attention? Why do I shy away from competition? Why do I have a hard time letting go of grudges? and then reading the book, it hit me... i have to resolve things with HITLER and OTHER, I have too, or I will always be right back here. always running and hiding under cars from boys that i like, or pushing them away first so that they can't let me down or leave me first. I have to put to rest everything i feel about everything with them and i will do it here starting with Other.


Dear Other,

I just want you to know that this is a long time in coming. There are days that I hate you and days that I wish like you, that you had aborted me. I will never forget the day you told me that. I will never forget how I laughed at you and told you how weak you were. But most importantly, I will never forget how hurt I was. I have felt like a motherless child all my life and that's sad because I grew up orphaned even though I grew up with my biological family.
I hate the fact that you never had the strength to "just leave." It makes me so angry when I look at the aftermath of yours and your husband foolishness. Now, since you never had the strength to leave, I think everybody is going to to leave or that people are just sticking around cuz they don't have the courage to leave...so i am always sitting around trying to figure out what people's motives are instead of just enjoying the moment for what it is...a moment of my life that I will never be able to get back. I am angry that I am twenty something years old and just figuring out how to love myself regardless of what anyone else thinks or says about me because you didn't take the time out to SHOW me that you loved me or to SHOW me how to love myself. I remember how I came home crying in first grade because someone had called me burnt black toast and talked about my buster brown shows. I remember how hurtful those words were...how all the eighth graders laughed and talked about how Black I was...AND i remember how you laughed when I told you and told me "well, you are black." I remember how you thought it was so humorous and trivial that you had your husband play EBONY and Ivory for me...and I remember how my brothers laughed at me...I remember how i hated you and wanted you to die. I remember how your sister said i should never wear black cuz I was already black and that they couldn't see me...I remember how you didn't correct her until years later...I remember how your MAMA separated us, Me, Diva, and Memory from one another, often leaving me in the room by myself...how she didn't want anything to do with me because of my color when she was only two coats away from being Manute Bol's twin...and you never said anything, and when i questioned you about her actions, you brushed it aside as if I was the clueless one, only to admit to it much later. Your actions taught me to hate myself. Good thing for my paternal side who was in love with my Blackness, probably the only reason I am still here today.

It makes me mad when I come home to visit and see all of the things you have bought for your other kids, especially Useless and you give me a trinket. What the hell do I need with some contact lense holders when I ain't wore contacts in about 10years? And then how you think because you birthed me you can speak for me when you have NO idea who I am or even who your grandchild is. like how you got my childcare cancelled answering questions for me like i was your bestfriend and you hadn't talked to me in over 2 years. then telling me you are still my mother. Hah, do you even know what that word means? and doing everything for show...how sickening is that? you always have to outdo or out show someone to prove that you care...maybe that's why i always second guess my gifts that i give to people. i can't afford much so my trinkets are really from the heart, but they are just that, trinkets. and since it ain't no elaborate show of some sort, i feel as if my gifts are inadequate and inferior. I hate that you drove me off to school and dropped me off without even making sure I was okay...just left me to fend for myself which I have been doing to the best of my ability.

But, for all the bad you did do some good. I love the fact that you taught me that I could be just as good if not better as males and people of different races. Because of that, I am able to walk into a room full of non-black males and make them shudder because i do not tremble in their presence. I love the fact that you took us around the world and showed us how others live and what other places look like, because of that, I am not afraid to visit new places and try new things. And, I am able to see the bigger picture instead of just what's in front of me. I love the fact that you took an interest in our education when we were in school and did not defend us when we were wrong. I learned at an early age that they are consequences and repercussions for my actions. I love the fact that you did not squash my voice cuz lord knows some people wish i would shut up...but because of that, I am able to speak the Truth, good, bad, or ugly. I am able to speak what's on my heart to just about anyone and not care if it's politically incorrect. I love the fact that you did not hide it when we were struggling and didn't have money to buy food and we just had to make do. Because of that, I do not fret when my cupboard is bare, I just simply get out the flour and water or the beans and continue the magic of making something out of nothing.


I don't know what I want from you because it's nothing you can do to change what you have done to me. I don't think I love you, but I do like and appreciate you for the things that you have taught me, whether good, bad, or indifferent....because if it wasn't for those lessons, I would not be the person I am today. and today, I am a beautiful, sexy, ambitious, sometimes confused Black woman who is loving getting to know how to love herself unconditionally. And inspite of everything, I know deep down that I will be somebody that MY CHILD will be proud of.

With fond regards,
TRUTHZ

sleeping is much different from resting...and i finally got some rest and now i am able to go forward with what i need to do.

The Lesser of Two Evils

So, I have been over here debating on if I have what it takes to end it all...
Not really if I have what it takes but will I? I mean who will save me this time?
See I know I have what it takes cuz I have attempted before and only attempted because I am still here, didn't need to go get the stomach pumped cuz Walt Disney intervened...for someone who never had a clue, I still don't know how she knew that them things floating at the top of my cocoa wasn't marshmellows. Then Fire Marshall Bill comes in and gives me this stern lecture about how I bet not do that again cuz he'll make sure they bring me back so he could hurt me...yeah, he loves me.
And then all the whispers and stares...and i used to whisper right back and stare them down until they turned away...YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!
You don't know what it feels like to feel so unworthy and feel like everyone is pissing on you.

The funny thing is why then...why then did i take the pills...why then when what i was going through was nothing compared to when I was raped or when the twins died or even when I went to the doctor and they told me I had cancer or when me and Walt were so poor that we used to steal bread from the grocery store or walk around "tasting" everything in the store..or when the doctor told me that I kept throwing up the bread because it was too heavy for my stomach because it had been so long since i had a decent meal......why then?


So right now I am going through trials that don't seem to amount to the things that really have rocked my foundation or left a lasting imprint upon my brain like when Skitzo stabbed Hitler in the head or when MY CHILD stopped breathing and turned colors or when MY CHILD died in my hands (the twin)....and I just want to die. Why? Maybe because all the hard stuff drained me of my energy or my want to fight...maybe i am just tired of feeling like the world is pissing on me.


here it is we got peeps who cheat and beat the system all of their lives and NOTHING ever happens to them...they millionaires and still living on welfare and then you got me just trying to provide for MY CHILD honestly and you got everybody and they mama coming after me. we don't understand how you are able to pay your rent with the money you get each month so we gonna cut off your food stamps and your insurance. you worked a job for 10 days four years ago so we gonna cut off your child's insurance... you been in school tooo long so we ain't gonna give you no financial aid.... you paying your bills late so we gonna cut off your lights.... you work too far to walk so we gonna raise the gas prices... (okay maybe that's not why but that's how it feels)


So every night I go to sleep and see My Child in a coffin. And every night i say why didn't you just kill him then yourself then you wouldn't be here fighting with people who think you are being insensitive because you are having a private funeral for YOUR Child...and everyday I wake up and say, things have to get better cuz I don't know if i can do a BELOVED... but if I was to kill myself I would have to cuz couldn't nobody deal with my child the way that i do.


Now I ain't going to kill myself because I ain't gonna kill MY CHILD unless he raising his hand up to me and can actually hurt me, Then I will kill him dead...I brought him in this world and I will have no problem taking him out...But i can't kill him if he ain't done nothing but get on my nerves just about everyday of his life. and seeing that my Rightful DADDY will take MY CHILD and love MY CHILD just as he has loved me....I'm not sure about all parties involved. I'm not sure that everything that I WANT for my child will be given to my child if I am not here to give it to him. Guess the joke's on me...cuz it was much easier when all i had to think about was myself.. it took nothing to put those pills in that cocoa and to begin to sip it.... nothing...no after thought or regrets... i didn't care nothing about all those comments that would come about how selfish i was... YUP, that's me Selfish...finally took some time out to do something for me, you just mad that i'm dead because now you gots to find another sucker to mooch off of and use.... that's how i felt... and when they told me that i was gonna die in the hospital, i didn't care about all them fools calling up to my room with that mess that they wanted to see me one last time... when i told them "to let me die in peace" i meant that with all of my heart.


but i can't be fake, it's not in me and even though fakeness surrounds me and i could not kill myself and leave my child behind to fight for himself the way i was left to defend for myself...and i couldn't kill my child and then kill myself simply so i could finally be at rest and not have to deal with all the craziness that i have no control over in my life...

so until i find a better solution, i will continue to sleep most of my days away..... where does it hurt????? all over