The Battle of Two Souls

So, I went to the wedding and have pics to post as soon as I can I will along with the story, cuz you know there is always a story.

So WEB DUBOIS talked about the souls of black folks and how there is nothing worse than an African American because they will forever be battling themselves trying to figure out who they are...Are they African or are they American. Well, i think there is nothing worse than a confused, lost, unloved person, regardless of color..(i might have to rethink the regardless of color thing)

So, I wrote a letter to Other and it felt good...and the fact that i cried when i first reread it let me know that i wasn't over the hurt and pain which mean i didn't actually deal with the situation..hopefully now after i post these last two letters, i will be about to grow upward and stop moving and growing in a circle. My uncle keeps asking me, "what's holding you back from making spiritual growth, you always get to this point and you just retreat and fall off track."
My past is still holding me back....and here is me trying to brush them haters off once and for all.


Dear Hitler,

Well according to the book you are supposed to do this in some rational order but i don't know how well that's gonna turn out with this one. I think i will try and do the good first because i don't think it's really that much i appreciate about you. I have been stewing over this matter for two days trying to make sense of my thoughts in a manner that i could put them down on paper and make them make sense...but i can't really do that because my childhood didn't make sense and you didn't make sense as a father or a husband.

I appreciate the fact that you didn't know how to cook cuz it instilled in me at an early age that i need to get a man that can cook so if there comes a time that i leave him and leave the kids with him, my kids will not suffer with eating hotdogs and pork n beans for a week, a month, or however long it takes me to come back. I guess i should give you a C for your efforts in trying to do different things to the hotdogs and beans like cutting them up, adding barbecue sauce and bacon to the beans...i guess.
I am hoping there is something else that i appreciate about you, maybe it will come out later as i proceed on my trip down memory lane.
I don't think i have hated and despised a person more so than i have you! maybe your mama who betrayed me but that's a different story for a different day. Even the fool who made up the Spooky Fruit song, i like him and we were mad cool when i left for school. You destroyed me....you destroyed my spirit and you destroyed our family. Do you know how embarrassing it is for people to be afraid to call your house because they don't want to talk to that mean guy who answers the phone. You were evil for no reason and i hated you for that...it was like it killed you to see others having fun. I remember when we went to Disney World some 22 years ago. I remember you didn't want us to do anything. We wanted to go to Wet n Wild and you said for what, we had a pool at the hotel, we wanted to go back to the park and you said for what we had went the day before..WDH?!!! why take us for a week to Disney World if you only wanted us to spend a day at the park. Then i remember how you didn't want us to get in the hotel pool when you were using it..WDH...most parents would like to be in the pool with their kids especially at our ages to make sure we didn't drown..so what we could swim!!!! I remember that was your last trip with us. You were no fun and we wanted no parts of your mean and surly ways. You suffered but so did we...we grew farther as a family unit that was already non-existent. Now, I find myself being evil for no reason....i find myself staring down people who are having fun. what a sickness you have passed on!!!

I hated you for abusing us mentally and physically... all of us, i have to speak on the others too even though this is about me because what you did to them affected me in a very big way. You mistreated and abused Waywardone because your blood did not run through him, even opting to skip his wedding to go golfing. How Rude. Your excuse, you knew his mama was gonna be there. Get real with yourself, if that was my wedding, can you honestly say that you would have went golfing? hell to the naw, you wouldn't you would have cried if i didn't invite you and would have been there trying to play proud papa regardless of who was gonna be there. So now, I have this abnormal fear when non-biological people keep My CHILD... MY CHILD will never know his sister by his father's wife if it is left up to me...NEVER, because i have seen first hand what non-biological parents do to their spouse's kids.

You abused Useless because he was a threat to your manhood because his strength was evident...so you figured you would beat him down to a pulp (literally) and that would spare you from any future uprising. Sadly, you beat whatever that was useful right out of him and he may never recover...he may be Useless and Shiftless for the rest of his life...and he may never respect women because you never taught him that he had to. This is why for the last 6 years I have not said "boo" to someone i used to love so dearly.

Other... you beat other in front of her kids...what kind of man does that? right, a man doesn't do that...that's what an animal or a lil boy does. You jumped her for no reason because she wouldn't do what you said to do. She is a person not an animal and not a slave. You cheated on her shamelessly and expected and demanded forgiveness... You tried to control her and in turn you destroyed her and the rest of your family. Because of this, I have dated weak men, weak in body, weak in spirit and weak in the pockets. I have dated men that physically i could have a chance with...I have dated passive men because ain't nobody gonna control me, attempt to control me or tell me what to do the way you did her. Ain't no man gonna put there hands on me and LIVE!!!! i have dated men that i didn't have to depend on so they wouldn't be able to hold anything above my head, i have dated people that i could control and manipulate, so i have dated losers to make sure i don't date someone like you...but in doing so, i got someone exactly like you...LUV is exactly like you except he ain't no fool to put his hands on me cuz he knows without a doubt that i will bring that equalizer and wipe him and his family out!!!!! he even shares your name and your weight, how nice.

Me, you crushed my spirit when you should have been making it grow. I was supposed to be daddy's little gurl. I was until that incident on the front porch of me doing show and tell with my body parts. I remembered how you got a kick outta telling people how weak i was ...how you just had to yell at me to discipline me cuz i was so soft. I was and never have been soft, i am emotional, there is a difference and yours and your wife's foolishness probably gave me a nervous disorder. I remember how you used to embarrass me with telling EVERYONE that i peed in the bed...Do you think a 13 year old wants people to know they peed in the bed? did you think that was going to make me stop...the only thing that made me do was hate you more and made me perfect 1. my getaway plan and 2. your assassination plan. Now i am extremely sensitive to smells that are coming from my body...overly sensitive. I won't even carry MY CHILD when he has peed on himself for fear someone will think it's me. How absurd is that? You damaged my eardrum so now i can hardly hear....
You tried to control me....and now i rebel against all authority...NO ONE will control me and tell me what to do and what to wear. Ask the army? Not even you...did i take you for a loop when you told me to quit my job and i told you i wasn't going to quit my job unless you were going to give me the money i made from working...do you remember that? do yah? i can still see the vein piercing from your head. i also can remember the one satisfying thing about the whole incident: you knew as well as i knew that i was no longer afraid of you so I had won!! checkmate. yeah i knew you could and would kill me, but i no longer feared death, so i no longer had to fear you!!!! i remember you wanted me to quit cuz i spent the night over my aunt's house talking about i got a house of my own, that's probably why i feel so self-conscious and out of place at peoples home and probably why when i do come to visit i stay at others homes. I missed out on being a child because of you. yOu didn't even want us to go on the Bozo show...why? cuz we didn't need to be on t.v.
Do you remember when you cut the head off my bank and stole my money and had the nerve to ask me what i was looking at and to turn my head the other way...do you? i remember and everyday i get closer and closer to getting put out i think about the money MY CHILD has in his account that could buy me some time but i know deep down that I will probably never touch his money cuz i still remember how hurt i was when you STOLE my money and bought beer with it when we didn't even have food in the house and had been eating on soup and beans for over 2 weeks. i guess we will be homeless.
OH, i am very thankful that you love your grandchildren especially mine. I am so grateful for the car you bought him...that was a big help cuz taking public transportation with a brat was no fun.
You never SHOWED me how a man should treat me because you never treated my mother the way she should have been treated. You didn't respect her which made it easy for others to disrespect here. You never Showed me how a man should love me because you never took the time out to love us or show us you loved us...you were always so angry, so mad...so ugly. ....so violent. Now, I am so angry, mad, violent and down right ugly at times.
I was just lamenting about why and how i am able to keep grudges for so long without forgiving or letting go...and it hit me today as i was walking to meet a friend for lunch.. i have you to thank...when my heart died, your daddy, you waited until the last possible minute before going to see him...he held on for you!!! your bitterness was going to allow you to let him die without you all making amends..and i am the same way.
i was soooooooooo angry that you did not let me say goodbye to my baby, your brother... i still resent that...you knew how much i loved him and how much he, me. i think you did that out of spite just like you didn't let me go see STEVIE at the Taste or be a crossing guard...all out of spite...talking about i was a gurl...but funny thing is you used to tell people you had 3 boys.. and how you just stop allowing me to get male phone calls when you knew you had encouraged me to be a tomboy all of my life so all of my friends were males... wdh was i supposed to do without any friends. So now, I am so confused...never learned how to be a lady cuz i was out playing tackle football and never got to fully understand men cuz they became forbidden right when i needed them the most.
You taught me that if you make your bed hard, you will have to lie in it and that you will reap what you sow... I call your life poetic justice. and even though i would like to stand and gloat becuase it appears that you are reaping the hard bed that you made for yourself, i can't...because if i don't figure out how to shake off all of this toxic crap you have passed on to me, i will have the same fate.
I am grateful and love the fact that you had the sense to pick the best friend that you did because he has truly been a blessing for me...i thank Jehovah for him each day.
I don't want anything from you because i just don't... i just needed to get that out of my system so i can grow...so i can get baptized, so i can be found by the man that is truly going to love, respect and protect me for the rest of my life. I needed to say that so I can finally be free... You crushed my spirit but i am resilient and i will shine brightly again.

With deep regards,
Truthz


and hopefully with my last letter, i will be free to just live and start seeing and feeling like my movement is in a forward direction...so gurl, holdon, i have one more person to confront and then i will post the pic that will have you in stitches...i promise.