Don't take it personally.

Well, I talked to whozatgurl#1 and it was good to hear her voice, we sorta one and the same but different, you know? We've gone through a few similar things that have bonded us together....
For instance, we are both coping with trying to establish the women we are today, realizing that the women we once were, are long gone. and that's a hard thing to come to grips with, to know that the person you were so comfortable being, and knew oh, so well is simply gone, never to return.

It's weird cuz we trying to make sense outta different things even though our experience was the same. I'm trying to figure out why I take things so personally and she's trying to figure out why she so nonchalant.

Well, actually, I know why I take things so personally, I'm trying to figure out how I can get back to a place where I let everything roll off my back without even a tad bit of it affecting me. Don't get me wrong, I put on a good show like it ain't bothering me, but it is. I take things home and I ponder them and ponder them until it makes me sick, and it can be the littlest thing.


Like last week, I ran into a classmate who was talking about going up to NYC and when I mentioned that I would be going up there also after the fifth, she automatically assumed that I was going to see my classmate (the one that helps me out with MY CHILD) and this bothered me so I told her "no, I'm going to see my homie from undergrad, now I might take MY CHILD to see him, but that's not what I'm going up there."

she responded with, " You always using that boy! uhn-uh."


her words pierced through me like a machete's blade. the way she said it made me believe that this wasn't the first time she had uttered the words that she thought i was using my classmate...in fact, she probably even expressed her feelings to him...this angered me, why did people always have to insinuate stuff about people who were just barely staying a float? I mean dang, why was everyone so concerned about how much time my classmate spent with MY CHILD? I have never used anyone in my life and hope never to do so, yet, i have been used many of times, and not just by Luv. Some of my family and friends have used me, and I would never intentionally do that to someone because I know how awful that feels to know that someone's just taking from you cuz they know you wouldn't see them out on the streets or because you wouldn't see them hungry or because you don't like to see them sad, but when the tables were flipped, they could care less if I had a cracker and some cheese for me and MY CHILD to eat.

Now, this would have been a great opportunity for me to just let the crap roll off my back because I knew I wasn't using my classmate and that's all that should have mattered...but no, it ate at me and ate at me until I had to send my classmate an email asking him if he thought I was using him, explaining that wasn't my atttention, needless to say, he didnt' respond, which made me wonder if his silence met yes.... you see how sickening this trend can be?

Once upon a time, none of this would have phased me. I would've laughed in her face, told her I was going to get all that I could get while the getting was good and then dismissed her. BUT, ever since the rape, I second guess, analyze and reanalyze everything. I am not sure about nothing, and lord knows I don't won't to make another bad mistake that proves to be detrimental to my health.

BUT i hate it!!!!! I hate letting stupid stuff bother me. Like my letting people shutting doors in my face when I speak bother me! I hate it!!!! but i don't know how to fix it.

and my gurl, she doesn't know how to reconnect to people so that things that should bother or affect her do...

Is there no middle ground, and if so, how do we get there?


(okay i will be missing for a couple of days, I have been given 2 brand new assignments due friday, one by open of bizness and the other by the close, so that means a sistah might have to actually bust a sweat...first time for everything...and then i leave for NYC friday evening...so I will catch up with your lives sunday night....Be EAZY, it's a jungle out there.)