Finally, A Moment's REST

First off, let me thank everyone who was concerned about me. I love you, and that was love you showed because outside of maybe two people who read this blog, none of you have seen me in your life, but that doesn't mean you don't know me. Cuz what I put down on these pages are real. What I have been through is real...it ain't made up for your reading pleasure. And if I was lying about anything, trust and believe my PIC would have put me on blast a long time ago. Especially seeing how I be talking about her flaky behind in these blogs sometimes. Now, I am not suicidal, not to say I haven't been. I was...... but God knew what he was doing when he put that baby in my life because one thing i cannot be is a failure. And I would feel like a failure if I didn't see MY CHILD to his 18th b-day because of something I had done to myself. But I do get tired and I do get jealous and envious when I see people around me getting all this monetary support from their family and friends and all I get is "you are such a strong person, I don't know how you made it for three months with on 10 dollars to your name and no food in your house." It made me feel so unworthy, like I was defective and I didn't deserve to get helped or do anything besides struggle. After awhile, you get tired of running into a brick wall or you get tired of fighting the losing battle. It's like Kunta...he was so full of spirit and life, but in the end, he was "Toby, sir." And I know how to pray, and ain't afraid to get down on my knees and pray for everyone and their mama, but for some reason, I have a hard time praying for myself...i guess deep down I don't feel i deserve God's blessing. And yeah, some of the stuff I've stated, I've stated before but I keep coming back to it because something triggers the unresolved feelings that I have from my childhood. And yeah, it's easy to say let it go and move on, but you have to come to some type of closure with everything in your life or you will always find yourself revisiting that part of your life at the most inopportune time. So, I am reading this book, cuz I wanted to understand how men and women communicate with each other. I am tired of being alone...I am a nympho and I need some cuz I am horny, but I want to do it the right way. (um, i said I want to do it the right way) I want to be someone Mrs. and I am not ashamed to say that but i don't want to be their MRS. and still have all these crazy feelings running through me that I can't control or comprehend. Like why am i so terrified of being abandoned and rejected? Why do I crave attention? Why do I shy away from competition? Why do I have a hard time letting go of grudges? and then reading the book, it hit me... i have to resolve things with HITLER and OTHER, I have too, or I will always be right back here. always running and hiding under cars from boys that i like, or pushing them away first so that they can't let me down or leave me first. I have to put to rest everything i feel about everything with them and i will do it here starting with Other.


Dear Other,

I just want you to know that this is a long time in coming. There are days that I hate you and days that I wish like you, that you had aborted me. I will never forget the day you told me that. I will never forget how I laughed at you and told you how weak you were. But most importantly, I will never forget how hurt I was. I have felt like a motherless child all my life and that's sad because I grew up orphaned even though I grew up with my biological family.
I hate the fact that you never had the strength to "just leave." It makes me so angry when I look at the aftermath of yours and your husband foolishness. Now, since you never had the strength to leave, I think everybody is going to to leave or that people are just sticking around cuz they don't have the courage to leave...so i am always sitting around trying to figure out what people's motives are instead of just enjoying the moment for what it is...a moment of my life that I will never be able to get back. I am angry that I am twenty something years old and just figuring out how to love myself regardless of what anyone else thinks or says about me because you didn't take the time out to SHOW me that you loved me or to SHOW me how to love myself. I remember how I came home crying in first grade because someone had called me burnt black toast and talked about my buster brown shows. I remember how hurtful those words were...how all the eighth graders laughed and talked about how Black I was...AND i remember how you laughed when I told you and told me "well, you are black." I remember how you thought it was so humorous and trivial that you had your husband play EBONY and Ivory for me...and I remember how my brothers laughed at me...I remember how i hated you and wanted you to die. I remember how your sister said i should never wear black cuz I was already black and that they couldn't see me...I remember how you didn't correct her until years later...I remember how your MAMA separated us, Me, Diva, and Memory from one another, often leaving me in the room by myself...how she didn't want anything to do with me because of my color when she was only two coats away from being Manute Bol's twin...and you never said anything, and when i questioned you about her actions, you brushed it aside as if I was the clueless one, only to admit to it much later. Your actions taught me to hate myself. Good thing for my paternal side who was in love with my Blackness, probably the only reason I am still here today.

It makes me mad when I come home to visit and see all of the things you have bought for your other kids, especially Useless and you give me a trinket. What the hell do I need with some contact lense holders when I ain't wore contacts in about 10years? And then how you think because you birthed me you can speak for me when you have NO idea who I am or even who your grandchild is. like how you got my childcare cancelled answering questions for me like i was your bestfriend and you hadn't talked to me in over 2 years. then telling me you are still my mother. Hah, do you even know what that word means? and doing everything for show...how sickening is that? you always have to outdo or out show someone to prove that you care...maybe that's why i always second guess my gifts that i give to people. i can't afford much so my trinkets are really from the heart, but they are just that, trinkets. and since it ain't no elaborate show of some sort, i feel as if my gifts are inadequate and inferior. I hate that you drove me off to school and dropped me off without even making sure I was okay...just left me to fend for myself which I have been doing to the best of my ability.

But, for all the bad you did do some good. I love the fact that you taught me that I could be just as good if not better as males and people of different races. Because of that, I am able to walk into a room full of non-black males and make them shudder because i do not tremble in their presence. I love the fact that you took us around the world and showed us how others live and what other places look like, because of that, I am not afraid to visit new places and try new things. And, I am able to see the bigger picture instead of just what's in front of me. I love the fact that you took an interest in our education when we were in school and did not defend us when we were wrong. I learned at an early age that they are consequences and repercussions for my actions. I love the fact that you did not squash my voice cuz lord knows some people wish i would shut up...but because of that, I am able to speak the Truth, good, bad, or ugly. I am able to speak what's on my heart to just about anyone and not care if it's politically incorrect. I love the fact that you did not hide it when we were struggling and didn't have money to buy food and we just had to make do. Because of that, I do not fret when my cupboard is bare, I just simply get out the flour and water or the beans and continue the magic of making something out of nothing.


I don't know what I want from you because it's nothing you can do to change what you have done to me. I don't think I love you, but I do like and appreciate you for the things that you have taught me, whether good, bad, or indifferent....because if it wasn't for those lessons, I would not be the person I am today. and today, I am a beautiful, sexy, ambitious, sometimes confused Black woman who is loving getting to know how to love herself unconditionally. And inspite of everything, I know deep down that I will be somebody that MY CHILD will be proud of.

With fond regards,
TRUTHZ

sleeping is much different from resting...and i finally got some rest and now i am able to go forward with what i need to do.