The Lesser of Two Evils

So, I have been over here debating on if I have what it takes to end it all...
Not really if I have what it takes but will I? I mean who will save me this time?
See I know I have what it takes cuz I have attempted before and only attempted because I am still here, didn't need to go get the stomach pumped cuz Walt Disney intervened...for someone who never had a clue, I still don't know how she knew that them things floating at the top of my cocoa wasn't marshmellows. Then Fire Marshall Bill comes in and gives me this stern lecture about how I bet not do that again cuz he'll make sure they bring me back so he could hurt me...yeah, he loves me.
And then all the whispers and stares...and i used to whisper right back and stare them down until they turned away...YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!
You don't know what it feels like to feel so unworthy and feel like everyone is pissing on you.

The funny thing is why then...why then did i take the pills...why then when what i was going through was nothing compared to when I was raped or when the twins died or even when I went to the doctor and they told me I had cancer or when me and Walt were so poor that we used to steal bread from the grocery store or walk around "tasting" everything in the store..or when the doctor told me that I kept throwing up the bread because it was too heavy for my stomach because it had been so long since i had a decent meal......why then?


So right now I am going through trials that don't seem to amount to the things that really have rocked my foundation or left a lasting imprint upon my brain like when Skitzo stabbed Hitler in the head or when MY CHILD stopped breathing and turned colors or when MY CHILD died in my hands (the twin)....and I just want to die. Why? Maybe because all the hard stuff drained me of my energy or my want to fight...maybe i am just tired of feeling like the world is pissing on me.


here it is we got peeps who cheat and beat the system all of their lives and NOTHING ever happens to them...they millionaires and still living on welfare and then you got me just trying to provide for MY CHILD honestly and you got everybody and they mama coming after me. we don't understand how you are able to pay your rent with the money you get each month so we gonna cut off your food stamps and your insurance. you worked a job for 10 days four years ago so we gonna cut off your child's insurance... you been in school tooo long so we ain't gonna give you no financial aid.... you paying your bills late so we gonna cut off your lights.... you work too far to walk so we gonna raise the gas prices... (okay maybe that's not why but that's how it feels)


So every night I go to sleep and see My Child in a coffin. And every night i say why didn't you just kill him then yourself then you wouldn't be here fighting with people who think you are being insensitive because you are having a private funeral for YOUR Child...and everyday I wake up and say, things have to get better cuz I don't know if i can do a BELOVED... but if I was to kill myself I would have to cuz couldn't nobody deal with my child the way that i do.


Now I ain't going to kill myself because I ain't gonna kill MY CHILD unless he raising his hand up to me and can actually hurt me, Then I will kill him dead...I brought him in this world and I will have no problem taking him out...But i can't kill him if he ain't done nothing but get on my nerves just about everyday of his life. and seeing that my Rightful DADDY will take MY CHILD and love MY CHILD just as he has loved me....I'm not sure about all parties involved. I'm not sure that everything that I WANT for my child will be given to my child if I am not here to give it to him. Guess the joke's on me...cuz it was much easier when all i had to think about was myself.. it took nothing to put those pills in that cocoa and to begin to sip it.... nothing...no after thought or regrets... i didn't care nothing about all those comments that would come about how selfish i was... YUP, that's me Selfish...finally took some time out to do something for me, you just mad that i'm dead because now you gots to find another sucker to mooch off of and use.... that's how i felt... and when they told me that i was gonna die in the hospital, i didn't care about all them fools calling up to my room with that mess that they wanted to see me one last time... when i told them "to let me die in peace" i meant that with all of my heart.


but i can't be fake, it's not in me and even though fakeness surrounds me and i could not kill myself and leave my child behind to fight for himself the way i was left to defend for myself...and i couldn't kill my child and then kill myself simply so i could finally be at rest and not have to deal with all the craziness that i have no control over in my life...

so until i find a better solution, i will continue to sleep most of my days away..... where does it hurt????? all over