WHEN DOVES CRY

So this will most likely be a long post and it will most likely be my last post for some time. I will try and stay up with my fellow bloggers lives even though i won't be blogging.


So stuff is just falling in all around me. I've actually blogged before today but sometimes my computer would freeze in the middle, not allowing me to copy and paste, save or publish, and other times i would press publish and nothing new would show up on my page. Anyways, i can't sit still when things are going on in my life cuz it feels like i am outta control....and that's not a great feeling. Also, i am forced to acknowledge my problems when i am still...so i have been keeping busy. I have been running myself raggedy just so i don't have to deal with all the confusion in my life.


So my life got a lil bit derailed when my Unc called me and told me that Hitler had been rushed to the hospital because of chest pains and shortness of breath. While he is telling me this i am laughing cuz i am trying to figure out what made him go this time, i mean he gets chest pains and shortness of breath just walking up the stairs. So Hitler may have had a heart attack and you know what.... i didn't even care. It didn't phase me one bit to think that the call could have been a little different. My Unc could have been calling to tell me that Hitler was dead and you know what, it wouldn't have bothered me one bit. I mean, I don't think I would have grieved the way I should have grieved for my father. I shared this with my Unc who knows that if I am going to tell it, I am going to tell it as it is even if it ain't all that pleasant to hear. So he was like that if he did that I knew that I would have to come down and set up everything for him... I was like for what? I ain't the oldest....and I don't even talk to him. Why would i need to be the one to set up the arrangements. And the same went for Other...if she died, she better hope one of them kids she spent all of her time and money on came and made sure she was put to rest properly. I meant this with my whole being...come down and set up some arrangements, I wasn't even sure I would even attend their funerals. It's harsh, but, it is what it is...or so I thought

COMING OF AGE

So i gots to thinking about how I am loving the new me...loving being confidence and sure of myself in MOST situations... yeah, I am still avoiding some peeps....I am loving getting to know the old me. The thing is, I think the old me was a lil warped too. (just a lil) i mean i really didn't have a solid foundation, or maybe it was just cracked. I did what i needed to do to get to where i am today but now it's time to let it all go and grow up and become someone new. i can't live in the past in any form or facet if i am trying to achieve something great for my future.

So even though i utterly abhor my parents...they are my parents and i guess i do owe them some level of respect....and i need to find a balance that is comfortable for me, cuz it is still all about me. I need to stop holding grudges because if the shoe was on the other foot, i would want someone to forgive me. I wouldn't want my kids not talking to me for months, or in my case, years at a time. BUT, my situation is different, i don't abuse my child and i try my best to love him the way he needs to be loved.


So that had been weighing on my mind, about how mean and vicious and harden I have become, and it made me feel really bad inside. i don't want to be known as the lady who is mean for no reason. That's my Aunt's job.


I Can be a lot of things......


So there is some confusion going on with my mortgage and condo fees. They both keep going up and my reserves keep going down with nothing coming in to increase it. So pretty soon I am going to have to make a life altering decision and once i make it that's it. Cuz i can do a lot of things but being homeless ain't one of them. Just the whole idea of not having any place to live, scares me. And being me, I ain't gonna stand by and watch/let it happen. I will make the hard decision before they place my stuff on the street.


Matters of the heart


If everyone plays the fool atleast once, why does it hurt so badly when you realize you've just played that role?

MY CHILD has been sick. He's been hospitalized and each and every time he goes, in the back of my mind i am asking, "is this the time i take him and he doesn't come home?" so that's very stressful...and i am not being overly dramatic cuz anytime i take him cuz he ain't breathing, it's a possibility that he'll stop breathing again or that they won't get him to breath again. so my hair has started to fall out again. just when i was getting used to having some length to my hair, again. and i haven't slept much or eaten for that matter. BUT, i am maintaining.


My Girls are working my last nerves. It could be because I am so frustrated with everything or it could be that now every time they call me they want to USE me for something. I am so tired of being everyone's doormat. I have nothing left to give so I wish people would just leave me alone.


so my rant is done...sorry i have been away so long...just trying to figure which way is up.

All Access Denied

So, now that I am in possession of a new cell phone, I am thinking of changing my number. LOL, for those who know me, they know this is not just a once and a life-time thought. I have changed my number probably over 20 times in the last seven years. The reason being is that I don't feel that everyone should have all-access to me. Fact is, if it wasn't for my kids, I probably wouldn't have a cell phone. I mean, if I am out in the streets and ain't hanging with you, then I probably ain't trying to holla at you at that time either. So, most of the time, I am changing my number because someone has slipped up and gave Other my number and she starts phone stalking me. Now, why you would call me at 2 o'clock in the morning after calling me all day without me answering is beyond me. Or sometimes i have to change my number because I have given it to some psycho who won't stop calling me. Yeah, a psycho other than Other.
It used to be a time that you could give a fake number to a dude and you would at least have a day before he found out you slipped him the wrong digits. Now, dudes will stand there and call your phone while you are standing there to make sure you gave them the right number. How pressed. So i have a few psychos chirping me saying the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Like I am at a quiet restaurant and Thumper decides to chirp me with "I could be beating my meat, but instead i am chirping you." Well nig, you should've beat your meat.


It's funny because I am the type of person who ain't asking unless it concerns me in some shape or form...and if it doesn't, well i really don't care for the most part. But it seems that I am surrounded by a bunch of nosy people who claim they are so genuine in their askings when they are not. Most people want to know your bizness so that they can salt you down or tell your bizness. I ain't gots time for that type of petty madness.


As we move forward in this age of super information highway, more and more people feel that they should have access to all of your personal bizness. I have friends who will come and ask me who i am calling when they see me pick up my phone. Why? I aint calling you seeing that you are standing in front of me. Then I have peeps who will come and stand next to me to see if they can recognize the voice emitting from the phone. Don't worry, most only make this mistake once. There are peeps that are mad at me because i won't give them this blog address. And I don't understand why. Why do you feel that you have a right to intrude upon my personal life? I have 10 true blue friends and they will tell you that i don't tell them everything at the same time. Or even the same things. And shouldn't have to, it's my life and my bizness and if i want to keep it all to myself I could.


i guess i am ranting because one of my classmates who considers herself my friend told me that if i left school without telling her the reason that she would probably never speak to me again. and i laughed in her face before i told her, 1. if i was leaving school, i probably wouldn't want to talk to you anyways and 2. i don't have to tell you why i am leaving school. that 's really none of your bizness. i don't have to tell you anything, not even that i am leaving if i don't want to.



and peeps are always asking me about my child's father, why i don't talk about him or whether he helps out with MY CHILD. and the reason i need to be discussing him with you is???? do you know LUV??? and if he aint helping out, are you gonna step in and pick up his slack? Hell to the naw. so what you need to know for?

Before you know it, peeps are going to want to know when you go to the bathroom and what type of act you did...was it number one or number two...



Man, oomph that!

sometimes i wish i was a kid again

I have been feeling funny lately......not really sad, not really depressed...just funny.
Maybe it's because i am so tired from my constant running around. not sure what it is though..
Today when I went into Toys R Us, every child i came across had this unbelievable cheesy grin on their face, like they were on top of the world. And it gots me to thinking, i wish it was still that easy, not to have a care in the world. For you to walk into a huge store full of toys and suddenly all of your problems seem so far away.


I remember growing up, the old folks on the blocks used to tell us not to be in such a hurry to grow up, that we had the rest of our lives to be grown. hmph... wish i would have listened...but then i really didn't have a choice. But things were a lil bit easier when all i had to worry about was bus fare to school and deciding what i was gonna eat for lunch.

i can understand why Michael Jackson acts the way he does. sometimes it hard being a grown-up dealing with all the demands on your time and your person. some things Calgon can't take you away from, like the lights not being on or the rumbling of a hungry belly.


i don't know, maybe i just need a me day... you know a day for me to go to Dave and Busters or the Fun House or Go-Karting or hell, even Wisconsin Dells where a grown-up can be a kid again. but just in case none of this happens, i got myself some toys to play with in the meanwhile...and got that cheesy grin all the kids had on their face, too.