But I loved you

I am broken beyond compare,
I knew I shouldn't have used it..
But it was so darn tempting...
I mean what could it hurt,
It was just four digits
Four digits that were worthless,
Yet, held so much power
Four digits that held secrets
Of what's done at the midnight hour
I knew it was wrong
And I have no justification for my action
And as my heart sank deeper
The reality set in,
No use in denying it now
I heard "your girl"
And all I could utter was...
But I loved you

Me and Bobby Brown meet Keisha Coles

Family drama, gotta luv it.
You ever knew a family that from the outside they look like they crap don't stink and that their roses smell like tulips? I mean in church they sit in the first row and catch the spirit or they spike a fever and have seizures right at the climax of the preacher's word. Do you know the family. The family that's always giving to the needy and on every community service board in the neighborhood... well, I am here to tell yah, that if you know a family like that, and it's looking like the grass is greener on the other side well in the words of Tom "DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!"

They crap stink worse than yours!

My girl had a meeting with her family because their drama was making her sick. They walked around passing judgment on people like they were the ones designated to sit on God's right side... i mean she just felt her energy being zapped whenever she was around them...all they did was have "conversation" about other people...about what they weren't doing or who they were doing and why they needed to pray more, or save more , or do more. They helped people then turned around and talked about them... oh they used me cuz they ate four plates of food. well dang, didn't you just tell them to eat all they wanted cuz you had plenty more and all you do is throw it all away cuz your family don't eat leftovers? i mean and didn't they just disclose to you that they only been eating oodles and noodles for the last month? They bought gifts then got offended if the people didn't thank them for that gift everytime they met. wth. the best gift is the one you forget you gave.

well, anywho, so my girl had a meeting and all the skeletons started leaping out the closets and busting out their premature graves and instead of people accepting accountability for their actions, they hit their selective amnesia button and played dumb.. or maybe it wasn't an act.
So after the back and forths and the neck swaying and the finger rolling, the family parted, going their separate ways, missing the opportunity to really bond as a family because they were too worried about who could overhear the fact that they weren't as on point as they put out to be, or they were too shock to discover that the words they said in the dark had found the light...or maybe they were mad that someone finally had the audacity to pull their card... who knows


All I know is this, we need to stop faking the funk! Last time I checked, noone was perfect, and the sooner we get this through our head, the faster we can make forward progress. We need to stop putting on pretensions and fronts and making other people feel bad because we all got something to work on. If more people embraced whatever it was that life dealt them, like Keisha and Whitney, we would have a lot more people tending to their own lawns versus looking over the fence..

just my rant!

Eight Years Ago, I Died And Went To Hell, Today, I Am In HEAVEN

It's funny cuz I am sitting here and for the first time in 8 years, I am happy to be sitting here. The seven other times, I secretly wished that I had died. I was soooooooooooo tired of the struggle, of the fight, of the pain, of the sorrow, of the confusion, of the secret depression, I was tired of life. I gave it the ole heave ho' try, but it just wasn't working, not for me at least.

I would find myself in a rut, no more like a sink hole, and I would dig myself out...I would slip and slide and take rests and sometimes it seemed as I if I hadn't moved at all, but eventually, I would get to the top, only to take three to four steps and find myself in another hole. I was beyond "man oomph that" I was to the point where I was charting my family line to see if Job was my great great great great great uncle or something.

I mean don't get me wrong, I had made great strides. I had did something that I had avoided doing for a very long time, I stared at the woman in the mirror without averting my eyes and I really saw me for the first time in a very long time. I confronted a lot of my fears and disappointments head on. I learn how to SAY what I needed to say with an open heart...even when my hands were shaking and my eyes were closing...even with tears streaking down my face I SAID WHAT I NEEDED TO SAY.

I loved and lost the one I loved, but I learned that I am not that damaged that I am undeserving of love or forgiveness for that matter. I learned to let go... my issues, my insecurities, my broken promises and dreams, my disappointments, and even baggage that I had been holding on for long that I felt naked without.

I had to let my girls go...they are doing just fine without me and my Grandbaby turned a year a month ago, so it goes to show yah that we aren't as important as we think we are in someone else making it. I learned to love from a distance...cuz they will always be my girls but I CAN'T and will not deal with anyone else's drama consuming my and MY CHILD's life.. and Dirty, well, I still check the obituaries weekly to see if I can go collect on MY Child's behalf.


I have learned to step out of my own way so my blessings can flow. I realized that the cycles that keep repeating themselves in my life was a direct result of my ability to recognize that I was not in control and that I needed to get back right with the ONE who was holding me down...cuz even though we were eating five fries and one chicken wing, we was still eating that meal in the comforts of our home.

And even though the IRS still hunting me down, and my Food Stamps still cut off, I still have a smile...and it's so real... it's funny how different the same situation looks when you have God in your life.....


So even though today is a very bittersweet day for me cuz it's the day my 1st child died, I am happy to be alive... I am so happy for the opportunity to come full circle with loving myself and allowing others the opportunity to love me too.


sum tymes I wanna cry, but lately all I do is smile