Eight Years Ago, I Died And Went To Hell, Today, I Am In HEAVEN

It's funny cuz I am sitting here and for the first time in 8 years, I am happy to be sitting here. The seven other times, I secretly wished that I had died. I was soooooooooooo tired of the struggle, of the fight, of the pain, of the sorrow, of the confusion, of the secret depression, I was tired of life. I gave it the ole heave ho' try, but it just wasn't working, not for me at least.

I would find myself in a rut, no more like a sink hole, and I would dig myself out...I would slip and slide and take rests and sometimes it seemed as I if I hadn't moved at all, but eventually, I would get to the top, only to take three to four steps and find myself in another hole. I was beyond "man oomph that" I was to the point where I was charting my family line to see if Job was my great great great great great uncle or something.

I mean don't get me wrong, I had made great strides. I had did something that I had avoided doing for a very long time, I stared at the woman in the mirror without averting my eyes and I really saw me for the first time in a very long time. I confronted a lot of my fears and disappointments head on. I learn how to SAY what I needed to say with an open heart...even when my hands were shaking and my eyes were closing...even with tears streaking down my face I SAID WHAT I NEEDED TO SAY.

I loved and lost the one I loved, but I learned that I am not that damaged that I am undeserving of love or forgiveness for that matter. I learned to let go... my issues, my insecurities, my broken promises and dreams, my disappointments, and even baggage that I had been holding on for long that I felt naked without.

I had to let my girls go...they are doing just fine without me and my Grandbaby turned a year a month ago, so it goes to show yah that we aren't as important as we think we are in someone else making it. I learned to love from a distance...cuz they will always be my girls but I CAN'T and will not deal with anyone else's drama consuming my and MY CHILD's life.. and Dirty, well, I still check the obituaries weekly to see if I can go collect on MY Child's behalf.


I have learned to step out of my own way so my blessings can flow. I realized that the cycles that keep repeating themselves in my life was a direct result of my ability to recognize that I was not in control and that I needed to get back right with the ONE who was holding me down...cuz even though we were eating five fries and one chicken wing, we was still eating that meal in the comforts of our home.

And even though the IRS still hunting me down, and my Food Stamps still cut off, I still have a smile...and it's so real... it's funny how different the same situation looks when you have God in your life.....


So even though today is a very bittersweet day for me cuz it's the day my 1st child died, I am happy to be alive... I am so happy for the opportunity to come full circle with loving myself and allowing others the opportunity to love me too.


sum tymes I wanna cry, but lately all I do is smile