is it really this hopeless

tears are rolling down my face and i'm not sure why. i mean in the pit of my stomach i knew, i knew that something wasn't quite right, but yet, i still couldn't put my finger on it. i couldn't figure out why my heart was telling me to run while my body was telling me to stay, even if it was just for the night. everything that came out, rolled off his tongue liked creamed unsalted butter.

i was so ready to take a chance but i was also very scared. broken hearts too many to count, always wearing my heart on my sleeve, always looking out for the next man, woman, or child, but the trouble was, nobody was looking at for me. taking and taking and taking and taking. nobody ever stopped to replace what they had taken, and some could never replace what they had stole. so i was trying to decide how i was going to play this one, how was it going to go down...was i going to just carry it as nothing and see what it got me, maybe a night out on the town, maybe a free meal, and a good laugh.

the funny thing with life is, you are never in control, you are in the driver seat and you have you foot on the gas and you have you hands on the steering wheel, but you aren't in control... my heart started racing and my face started losing years, my walk was a little lighter, i was feeling good all over, i was laughing and enjoying life again..i was living, but i was still afraid.

but i kept telling myself that if i wanted something different i had to be different, i had to take chances, because he might possibly be the one..he seemed so honest, and he was passing all of the tests, you know the answering of the phone regardless if it was 3am or 3pm..his stories that could be verified, rang to be true, but still there was something, something i couldn't quite grasps, something i don't know, maybe it was just me, doubting and not trusting anyone these days... saying "uh, hm" to everything being spit my way, all the while filing it away to test the validity of it at a later date.

but then when i was sure that the bottom was gonna fall out and it was about to be a wrap, he surprised me and did what he was supposed to which made me start second guessing myself and sorta made me let down my guard and allowed myself to breathe, and just when i was about to exhale....


BLAM...this fool disappears without a phonecall, a letter, a ride by, nothing... and i'm left here with all of these thoughts and questions and useless tears...

im a good person with a good heart, yet it doesn't seem to be a good person with a good heart out there for me

The Impending Derailment

I knew it was coming, I just couldn't stop it, I couldn't put on the brakes, I could feel myself reaching super speed, and I knew that the rails wouldn't be able to hold me, i knew that i was going to jump the track, and maybe it was about time that I did, maybe it was about time for me to go full speed ahead and just deal with whatever happens.

So i think it started when I found out that MY GURLS were pregnant. Yup, both of them. So I had to deal with the fact that I was gonna be a Grandma, yup cuz regardless of what anyone says, those my babies. Then it was the fact that people were telling them that they needed to get rid of them because of x,y, and z and I'm like, they already messed up emotionally, why cause more emotional strife? And then my neighbor told me she was pregnant, and I was like wow...it was all these pregnant people around and for some reason it made me feel weird....
Then my neighbor started having complications and I tried to tell her to get some help, i tried to tell her to get another doctor, i tried to tell her to go to the hospital...i tried to help her because I had been there... I knew what it was leading up to, and I wanted to help her, like i wished someone would have helped me..But she wouldn't, didn't listen. She ask me for advice and just did whatever, and when she lost her child and had to deal with how insensitive people are when you "miscarry" I became angry... I was furious.

It wasn't until later that I realized that I was mad at my neighbor because unlike me, she could have avoided the tradegy...all she needed to do was become proactive, to actually stand up for hers and her baby's right. But she wanted to listen to people who ain't been there, who didn't understand the signs....and look where it got her. The fact that I tried to help her and she didn't listen but always wanted my advice pist me the hell off, cuz the depression that enveloped her afterwards reminded me of my depression that I still suffer from...it reminded me of my sadness, it reminded me of my babies, and I was mad that she had let her baby die. Then one of my gurl's lost her baby and I guess I just couldn't take it.

I can't take not being in control, not knowing what's going to happen next and not knowing what to do next....


I started feeling angry all of the time. I didn't want to be bothered with anyone, NOT EVEN MY CHILD. I just wanted to be by myself. I just wanted to disappear. People who have never been depress don't understand that it's not something you really can control, or something you can even regulate, it's something that happens and when it does, it paralyzes your life. that you can't function, and that you don't want to function, you just want to be left alone to marinate in your juices, to meditate to find out what the next course of action should be and to just get it all together cuz sometimes you just got to be knocked on your behind before you can figure out which way was up...


well, that's where i am, layed out on my behind, trying to figure up which way is up, and you know what, the view isn't so bad from here.