Trying to saved the pot of burnt rice

I am standing over the stove, half laughing, half crying. I can't believed I done burnt the rice. It's not even the fact that I don't have time to make another pot cuz My Child is hungry and so am I, it's the fact that I can't afford to throw this rice out..."money ain't been growing on trees for a minute now." So, I poured more water into the pot and proceeded to reboil. Now, it ain't nothing worth than recooked burnt rice. Believe that, cuz after two forced spoonfuls, I got up and tossed the rice in the trash..I guess it was just gonna have to be another peanut butter and jelly night.

Funny thing, I don't remember people strugglin like this when I was growing up...I don't remember people who were actually putting forth the effort always coming out with the short stick. Sure, I remember when food and money got really scarse in my house.. when we couldn't afford to really shop at Jewel's or Dominicks so we had to drive 45 mins to the Ultra in Indiana...then we couldn't afford to burn all that gas so we had to shop at One Stop where we got "Big Ole Big Ole Flakes" and "Loops and Loops of Fruit." But, that time did not last that long...it wasn't every year or every three months that we had to eat Big Ole instead of Raisin Bran, it was just for that spell of being poor.

I am so angry that I have to fight for everything I want and everything I need. I am so tired of fighting...why everything gots to be a struggle. It's not even that Im trying to live above my means. All I'm trying to do is eat and not have a stroke trying to do so.

Behind the Curtain...and underneath the veil

So, I still haven't found the time to blog regularly or to even began to find out what's going on in my blog family's lives. I don't even have time to enjoy multiple IM chats while the teacher is telling me something that s/he thinks i need to know. but i guess it bes like that sometimes...but some days i do have the opportunity to talk to my PIC, someone who knows the good, bad, and the ugly...someone i have always been able to tell the plain truth to, no sugar, honey, smoke or screens, some of the stuff we talk abt is down right gross and other stuff is down right heart wrenching...here's a peek at one of our recent IM chats:


pic: Good morning, I'm here, I just have to sit at reception for a while till this girl gets here, but she has her computer locked, so I can't log on on hers.
pic: You there?
DR_ESQ.: no
pic: Okay
pic: :=)
pic: Who are you trying to avoid being invisible?
DR_ESQ.: gurl i am actually "cough cough" doing wk
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: hahahahaha
DR_ESQ.: i can't spell right now how do u spell rampade
pic: that's the funniest thing I've heard all day
DR_ESQ.: suf
DR_ESQ.: but yeah...it's time
DR_ESQ.: my season is ending
pic: time to work?
DR_ESQ.: time to stop feeling sorry for myself
DR_ESQ.: time for me to grow up
pic: Girl who you telling
DR_ESQ.: time for work too
DR_ESQ.: lol
DR_ESQ.: but yeah...it's time
pic: I've been giving myself that same speech
DR_ESQ.: i am gonna blog abt it
DR_ESQ.: cuz i am feeling it hard
pic: just shut up complaining, it ain't gonna make nothing no better
DR_ESQ.: esp. if u keep doing the same thing
pic: we are given nothing more than we can bare
DR_ESQ.: finding the same people
pic: right
DR_ESQ.: i talked to my unc today and i feel bad... i think i always depress him
pic: so if HE knows we can get through it, then we shall get through it
pic: What you tell him?
DR_ESQ.: yup and we just have to let go and LET GOD sometimes
pic: You know, you don't have to tell him EVERYTHING
DR_ESQ.: sometimes it's not meant for us to fix
pic: You are correct
DR_ESQ.: gurl, i didn't tell him the latest
DR_ESQ.: i was just telling him that all my stuff gonna b shut down for awhile but i am okay
DR_ESQ.: and he was like u need to just let me send u some money
DR_ESQ.: and i was like naw... i gots this
pic: UM YEAH
pic: See, that pride of yours
DR_ESQ.: sometimes u have to struggle gurl to get to the bottom of things
pic: didn't you used to like helping people who needed help?
DR_ESQ.: naw, cuz i am strugglin but it's my own fault
pic: No, you don't always have to struggle, maybe if it were only you
pic: but you have Mikey
DR_ESQ.: and i have means to get outta my struggle..but my pride wouldn't let me see it
DR_ESQ.: gurl i have a plan and i need to just follow thru with it
pic: and sometimes it makes people feel good to help others, so let him help you if he wants to
DR_ESQ.: gurl he always help me...no doubt
DR_ESQ.: the best thing he can do for me is pray for me cuz the end is coming
DR_ESQ.: and he wants me to make it so badly
pic: He can pray, and if Mikey needs some shoes, he can send you money
DR_ESQ.: gurl i can take myself to payless and get that fool some shoes
DR_ESQ.: let me tell u ..i am like a squirrel
DR_ESQ.: i prepare for the worst
DR_ESQ.: he is just speculating but all you have to do is lk at the signs
DR_ESQ.: we joke abt them everyday
pic: right
DR_ESQ.: but it ain't no joke
DR_ESQ.: it is abt to get really interesting up in this piece
DR_ESQ.: and it's time to decide who's side we gonna be on
pic: yeah, you're right
pic: hey, did you go to the hall Saturday?
DR_ESQ.: and right now...imma be serving u black beans and cassava leaves wearing no drawls
pic: lmbo
DR_ESQ.: naw...i was taking a me day
pic: oooooooh
DR_ESQ.: i have been so depressed and
DR_ESQ.: not that kind a me day
DR_ESQ.: but i have been depressed over stuff i shouldn't b depressed abt
pic: like money?
pic: or bdn?
DR_ESQ.: do u know why i haven't come back home meaning "da chi" yet
pic: No, please enlighten me
pic: I would love to know
DR_ESQ.: gurl money come and go...and bdn is just a link to a bigger puzzle/issue
DR_ESQ.: because i feel like a failure.
DR_ESQ.: like i haven't accomplished what i was equipped to or supposed to
DR_ESQ.: i feel like one foot Kunta
DR_ESQ.: like i left with all this ambition and spunk and came back with all these battle scars :
DR_ESQ.: no money, being raped, losing my kids, no money, being a single mama, getting in relationships with losers, um no money,
pic: that's life
DR_ESQ.: so i came back with a chopped off foot
pic: you left a virgin to life....well you know what I mean
pic: hopefully the uglier one
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and when i came back that asked me my name and i was like whatever you wt to call me...i can be related to "buster"
DR_ESQ.: suf!
DR_ESQ.: so it's like i never measured up
DR_ESQ.: and guess what
DR_ESQ.: i never will
DR_ESQ.: not as long as i am trying to measure myself to or against standards i can't reach
DR_ESQ.: i keep fighting against the obvious
pic: hold on
pic has signed back in. (10/3/2006 10:48 AM)
pic: what are you doing?
pic: where are you?
pic: what's going on?
DR_ESQ.: i nd to b asking u that
DR_ESQ.: u said h.o
DR_ESQ.: signout
DR_ESQ.: then back in
pic: Oh shut up!
DR_ESQ.: so would u like to finish our convo so i can post a blog or do u wt to just sit there lking like u do
pic: We can finish our convo
DR_ESQ.: okay so like i was saying i can't keep fighting the obvious which is
DR_ESQ.: i have no real family
DR_ESQ.: meaning biological family...
pic: Yes you do or else you wouldn't be here
pic: technically you do
pic: emotionally you don't
DR_ESQ.: okay well just stay with me mcfly
DR_ESQ.: we know i didn't come from a cup
DR_ESQ.: even though in sixth grade i told everyone that
DR_ESQ.: and emotionally, i never will have that biological family that i want
DR_ESQ.: so i have to accept this and move on
DR_ESQ.: accept it meaning that i wouldn't be shocked or moved to any action or reaction when i get an email from Other
DR_ESQ.: and she has given all of her kids title except me like “first born, baby girl and baby boy”
pic: Why won't you tell them how you feel?
DR_ESQ.: that is the reality of my situation
DR_ESQ.: cuz smigger if they want to know, they can pay like the rest of the world
pic: lol
pic: too funny
DR_ESQ.: i ain't in the bizness of helping those who have constantly tried to keep me down
DR_ESQ.: it's funny cuz i alwys get that ant. fisher story in my head
DR_ESQ.: y do i have to find my own family
pic: but for real, do you think that you harbor the most resentment from your childhood and that has distanced you a lot?
DR_ESQ.: because u have to forgive
DR_ESQ.: y do i have to forgive
pic: didn't like that movie
pic: too long
pic: too slow
DR_ESQ.: im still standing im still strong
pic: I remember that from commercials....lol
DR_ESQ.: im sure barnyard or g.i. jane was more your speed
pic: b
DR_ESQ.: yeah me too which is y i wted to see it
DR_ESQ.: love yah
pic: jerk
DR_ESQ.: still love yah
DR_ESQ.: so n e ways
DR_ESQ.: i am not a failure
DR_ESQ.: and this is inspite of the fact that i may never have that big house and that white picket fence
DR_ESQ.: ofcourse u know the fence wasn't going to b white
pic: well guess what, Ms. Truthz....there are kids who will never know their background, real family, mother abandoned them
DR_ESQ.: i have accomplished more than i give myself credit for and that's not to toot my own horn or to pat myself on the back
pic: they in my opinion are worse off for knowing nothing at all
DR_ESQ.: gurl pls
DR_ESQ.: do u think Useless daughter is worse off
pic: Yes you have accomplished more than some people out here who don't have kids, have parents who take care of them
DR_ESQ.: pls...living in a mansion
pic: you have made it work and even though, sometimes you may feel like you're drowning, you're always above water just enough to breathe.
DR_ESQ.: at least if her adopted family beats the hell out of her mentally, physically, and emotionally, she will always b able to say, well they ain't my real folks
pic: what if they were NEVER adopted
pic: all kids don't get adopted
DR_ESQ.: yeah well and all kids aren't treated like we were
DR_ESQ.: so we are talking abt the exceptions
pic: there are kids who've been treated as bad and worse....the thing is, yeah the past affects you, but it's up to you to determine how much
DR_ESQ.: and just so u can be sure, i ain't got no room to breath, but right before i went under, i took a bamoo shoot and i've been breathing through that...sorta like a straw
pic: Your mother and father still have control over your life as long as you dwell on what they didn't do and let that affect you everyday of your life
pic: Shut up STOOOOOPID
DR_ESQ.: preach gurl...preach cuz i think it's some truth in that for u too
pic: oh yeah
DR_ESQ.: but here is the underlying issue
DR_ESQ.: y does it matter so much
pic: because it's a natural instinct
DR_ESQ.: is it because i want them to love me and accept me and care abt me
pic: a natural feeling to want love and validation and praise from our parents
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: or is it because i see other people interact with their parents and feel that something must b wrg with me bcuz i don't have it
DR_ESQ.: lk at us, on the same wave again
pic: I know
pic: I never thought that because Andre wasn't around like he should have been that it was my fault
DR_ESQ.: but seriously... i have walked alone most of my life...
pic: I just thought he was a weak man who couldn't take care of himself, let alone children
DR_ESQ.: i don't feel it's my fault because i had no power over them
DR_ESQ.: but i feel less worhy or
DR_ESQ.: less something
pic: I don't think parenting faults have anything to do with the children
pic: hold on one sec
DR_ESQ.: sometimes they do...
DR_ESQ.: cuz that boy of mind....
pic: You ever thought of the fact that your mom is jealous of you?
DR_ESQ.: naw...but i have thought of the fact that she despises me
DR_ESQ.: and that's okay
pic: You are extremely smart
pic: Very independent, you have your own mind
DR_ESQ.: no...gurl i get my husl on
DR_ESQ.: and guess what...do u know who instilled that
DR_ESQ.: she did...she created this monster
pic: you know you are stronger than her...she stayed with a man who hit her and her kids
DR_ESQ.: she made sure i stayed in the library...she allowed me to voice my opinions..or maybe i just voiced them and she let them go
pic: she knows you wouldn't deal with it
DR_ESQ.: gurl but here is the thing... i might
DR_ESQ.: who's to say i wouldn't
DR_ESQ.: gurl thumper pushed me
DR_ESQ.: and in my mind that was like him striking me with his fist
pic: Oh no
DR_ESQ.: and i was like oooh
DR_ESQ.: and i went back to his house and overexaggerated the situation
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and was like if u ever do that again, trust and believe u will b dead
pic: ain't no overexaggeration
DR_ESQ.: and i meant that ...but for that moment
DR_ESQ.: after he did it i was stuck
DR_ESQ.: sorta of like the rape
pic: ain't no touching with force necessary regardless of the situation
pic: I will stab a nigga
DR_ESQ.: like once he was at the door and i had the power to go get a knife or that sledge hammer i was tryn to reach
pic: boy o boy would I
DR_ESQ.: lol
DR_ESQ.: y didn't i
DR_ESQ.: why didn't i press charges...
pic: don't know
pic: maybe if it was a punch you would have
DR_ESQ.: because i am my mother's child
pic: thought a push wasn't much
pic: but you don't have to be!!!!!
DR_ESQ.: i am talking abt the rape
DR_ESQ.: gurl he didn't push me
pic: Oh, girl hell if I know
pic: I don't know why you didn't file charges
DR_ESQ.: naw, but thumper would have been dealt with cuz trust and believe after that...everytime we met i was strapped
pic: his ass would have just got F'd in his ass my Bruno if it was up to me
pic: by
pic: not my
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: lol..i knw
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: but like you said, you were stuck
pic: in shock maybe
DR_ESQ.: but i am stronger when i am fighting for others who don't have a voie
DR_ESQ.: voice
pic: wondering if you did anything to make him think it was ok
DR_ESQ.: u know what it was
DR_ESQ.: my pride was hurt
pic: what?
pic: You and this damn pride
pic: THAT is your problem
DR_ESQ.: it was like how in da hell is this fool gonna rape Truthz
pic: Pride is one of the seven deadly sins ya know
pic: lmbo
DR_ESQ.: how he gonna rape the one who when the chips fall and niggas getting dropped she doing the dropping
DR_ESQ.: the one who only fight the dudes
DR_ESQ.: who been this way since she was six and almost killed a trick in the first grade for slapping her brother
DR_ESQ.: it was like a reality check...like fool, u aint' invincible
DR_ESQ.: if i could get raped...i could get shot
pic: well guess what, you ain't a tomboy no more, you are a grown woman
pic: so, all that pride and bullying
pic: let it go
DR_ESQ.: gurl truth b told, im still a tomboy tryn to figure out how i can become a lady
pic: oh lord
DR_ESQ.: as my grandma used to say...if you would stop running around acting like a lil boy maybe u couldda got a date to the prom
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: but now im trying to get a date to the alter
pic: u in the library?
DR_ESQ.: yup
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: so back to my realization...
pic: uh huh
DR_ESQ.: i am not going to marry Michael Jordan
DR_ESQ.: i am not going to die rich
pic: :+>>
DR_ESQ.: and I may never get married in this system
pic: you're not going to marry Mike
pic: but you could die rich
DR_ESQ.: suf!!1
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and i may never feel like i have a family to call my own so i need to make the best of it
DR_ESQ.: my "family" meaning people like ur stanky behind have gotten me this far
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and now why all of a sudden am i feeling sorry for myself.. i have isolated myself from them and i don't know how to get things back
pic: well you have to create your own family
DR_ESQ.: yeah i tried that and got that boy
DR_ESQ.: and i now need another family to send him to
pic: u ain't right
DR_ESQ.: and the thing is i guess the bottom line is, the makeshift family was okay for me
DR_ESQ.: but i don't wt it to b okay for him
DR_ESQ.: i want him to have a real family
DR_ESQ.: i want him a mama and a daddy plus all the extra mamas and daddies
pic: well use the 90 day rule and your prince will come a runnin'
pic: :{+}
DR_ESQ.: so when he extra family is doing for their own and can't do for him, he don't feel bad cuz he know his blood mama and daddy gots his back
DR_ESQ.: suF!!!! i can't count to 90
pic: See, that's your problem right there
pic: you better learn
DR_ESQ.: and plus i think that the celibacy counts for something
pic: and maybe even make it 120
DR_ESQ.: and i am so repressed that...
pic: or 200 like I did with M-
DR_ESQ.: well i guess that knocks MM out unless we count the 3 years b4
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: girl I just got an email for you
DR_ESQ.: but i don't know...it's something abt me packing up and selling that is making me wake up
pic: the lord works in mysterious ways....lol
DR_ESQ.: i told u i don't do porn
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: tell it to a fool who don't know no better
pic: hahahahaha


The Email that she sent:

Subject: Carrot, egg,coffee
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

um it's so long maybe I will just try and link it... oh well i will edit sooner or later