Dancing with Crazy

"Where da hell you been? We've been looking for you...what now you funny actin' and what nots?"

I make my lips go up into a slick smile as my eyes begin to fill up...ain't it funny how blind you are...can't you see my pain? after all these years you ain't gots me figured out yet? don't you know that when im down and out, i ain't coming around cuz my lil sensitive heart won't be able to stomach the free-loading jokes, or the questions abt my hair or why MY CHILD's shoes runneth over.

"Child didn't you hear, me...what you ignoring me? I asked where you been, why you ain't been coming around..."

I silently blink, praying that the levees holding back months of frustration, pain, sorrow, regret, disappointment, and plain ole tiredness don't break. I ain't in the mood to listen to why i am being silly....how i am supposed to be a Christian and should know that all i gots to do is throw my burdens upon Jehovah and how I am too blessed to be stressed. Wth? what world are you living in? are you not seeing what I am seeing... are you not listening or watching the news... we are living in the last days...and guess what these days are a B*@#$&%^^ and so I gots reason to stress and I gots reasons to cry and to feel sad and it's people like you who try to undermine my feelings and my situation that makes me feel i have to hold all these toxins in my body, never to release them...but lord knows, these levees can only hold so much, only hold so much...

"You know I'm here if you need me....when you are ready to talk about what's going on, YOU LET ME KNOW, HMPH!"

I have to let out a chuckle on that one....don't they know I am the LIL' RED HEN. I need to get that tatted on my behind so when I finally get the nerve to everyone to kiss where the sun don't shine, they can understand why...cuz I'm the Lil Red Hen which means for the most part, I done did it all by myself. Are you really there? I mean I have told you that I have no money but you stress me about not coming by as much. Have you seen the gas? You laugh me out about my phones being off and tell me that maybe if I pay the bill on time it would be on... um, are you even hearing me when i talk...i tell you i am struggling...and you tell me that i'm not... i tell you that i need help...you tell me to pray about it....i tell you i don't want to talk about it and so you talk about me, or you get mad and give me attitude....i mean can i live, can i be.

Knock, knock ...."Hey Truthz, aren't you happy to see me?"

wth? why would i be happy to see you? what have you done for me lately? i mean really. the only reason you are here is becuz you are stuck and have no where else to go... why do you think you can just show up at my door unannounced? and then expect to get a "ticker-day parade" reception. get real, do i look like your "baby girl" or your "baby boy".... you remind me of Bush, you can find your way to the post office to mail something to the middle east but you can't even get nothing to the nation's capitol. oh yeah, thanks, i finally got my invite to the july shindig...it was postmarked aug 6th.


"Is everything alright, you don't look so good."

Well, if you really want to know... Hell naw, everything ain't alright. do you think it's a joke when i tell you that i ain't gots no money and ain't figured out a way to get any... do you think it's a joke that i have to sell the roof over my head so that me and My Child don't wind up on the street? do you think everything is okay if i am sleeping most of my days and not eating... do you think when i tell you my world is crumbling that i am saying that for attention. i mean help me understand what you want from me. when i tell you i need help or that i am feeling down, you make it seem like like i am undeserving of help...or you tell me you gonna help me and the help never materializes. ...don't talk about it, be about it. i mean i ain't gots time to be running around telling everybody how down and out i am...that ain't paying my bills. and my talking about it makes me feel down even more... if i wanted to be down, i wouldda stayed at home where i can open my freezer and know for a fact that we down to the wire with food. where i can look at my dirty clothes piling up knowing pretty soon imma run out of clean clothes to wear and lord knows what imma do then...it's bad enough that i have been going on interviews in my casual clothes cuz i ain't gots no money to put my dress clothes in the cleaner...well to get them out and i'll be dag on if i let them sell the only dress clothes i have. and then this pain in my back and in my neck and in my knee and in my foot.... it's outta this world... yeah, so what, MY Child wasn't injured in the accident...guess what, I was and I matter and it matters that i am in pain! and it matters that my world has been knocked hecter skeltor by some fool who couldn't deal with the realization that her life had been changed by some cruel disease and therefore, she shouldn't have been driving.... it matters that because my car has to be in the shop that i had to be placed in a rental so that i could get around that when it was broken into the other day that i had to pay 500 out of my pocket to get it fixed... 500 dollars that i didn't have. meaning now my bank acct is negative. meaning the lil 300 i had saved up to pay part of my mortgage is now gone....

so what the hell have i been doing? I've been dancing with Crazy....it started off with just clean innocent flirting... with him standing against the wall just winking and me coyly waving ...then he sent the message by the waiter asking me if i wanted to talk...he told me that he could make me forget the fact that the welfare people are so backwards, telling me that i don't qualify for foodstamps any more cuz they don't understand how i pay my rent....i don't make enough. Then he bought me that potent drink that made me let down my guard and began to confide in him my innermost secrets about how i was starting to hate people...and before i knew it, we were out on the dance floor stepping in the name of love....i had forgotten all about the fact that i had only been eating bread for the last week and MY Child had nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner(its a good thing he gets lunch at school). It no longer mattered that i was in constant pain whenever I had to pick MY Child up...the music called out to my very essence...making me hot and moist with anticipation....and every time i am ready to just let myself go to that happy place that he is trying to get me, to that place of total ecstasy...somebody interupts my journey because they want to know why i have become all anti-social all of a sudden.

i will edit later

The Ferris Wheel of Life

So I know that it has been a long time since I have been on here and believe me you, I have missed being here, sharing, caring, loving, and speaking my mind. but my life is like the ferris wheel: it looks really nice and pleasant from afar but it's actually really scary when you get on, especially if you afraid of heights. just when i think it's my turn to get a glimpse from the top, the ride breaks down and i'm stuck, dangling from the side.

On August 18, 2006 I was supposed to log on and blog about how on the 19th MY CHILD was having surgery and about how I was a lil on edge. I was on edge because My Child had been making these comments that made my skin crawl, he kept saying that he wanted to go home...that he was ready to go home. And taking these comments as they are written, you may say what was wrong with that. Well, when he made those comments, we would be home. So to unspook myself, I would ask My Child questions to try and gage where his head was... "what do you mean you want to go home, where do you think you are now?" and he would respond, "not this home, my home out there (pointing out the window)." Now being that i have never discussed Heaven or Hell with My Child for personal reasons, this scared the dookie outta me. So i asked, "what do you mean your home out there?" and he said, "my home out there, in the sky." and i hurriedly told him, "you not a bird, your home is not in the sky." but my heart had stopped beating...WTH was he talking about...what was going on.

I didn't get to blog about this because it was my last week of my internship and they were working the heebeegeebees outta me. I didn't even have time to IM let alone blog.

So come 5 a.m. the next morning I am trucking to the hospital so that My Child can be fixed for hopefully the last time. All the way there, My Child is trying to talk me outta going. "Mommy, i don't want to get my ear fixed today, lets go home and come back tomorrow." "Mommy, my ear is all better, see, it's not draining, nothing is coming out my ear, see look." (making reference to the blood and pus that had been running out of his ear for the last couple of days.) "Mommy, i'm sleepy, lets go home to go to sleep and come back later." I tell him that we have to get his ear fixed so that we won't have to worry about it later and plus now he will get to take swim classes.

At the hospital our name is called and he gets prepped for surgery. gown, scrub footies and hat, and bottom....then we wait. the doctor calls for him but they don't send him because the nurse is concerned, My Child is coughing. So the nurse calls for the anesthesiologist to come monitor him. He comes and he watches and he asks questions and he watches and he listens...and after an hour of this he tells me "i can't sign off on this, i don't feel comfortable with him going into surgery, i don't think he will make it, i mean it is possible that everything will be fine, but i don't want to be the one to take that chance."

what do you say to that? i mean on one hand i am glad that you are doing your job but on the other hand, now i have something to worry about. what if someone else had come instead of you and okayed the surgery....what if.......

so the doctor comes to see what the hold-up is, why isn't his patient who has suffered enough, not being brought to the surgery room. the doctor was informed of the concerns and he looks at me and looks at My Child and says "well, i would say let's do it, but if it means jeopardizing lil'man, i say lets do this next week same time, same place...we can't take a chance with lil'man."
now to me this sounded weird because My Child has come for surgery with gook coming out of his nose and eyes, wheezing and all kinds of other stuff and his surgery has NEVER been canceled. (and the time that he had the awful reaction, he had no symptoms.) his doctor always comes and says, "he okay, let's roll" so for him to say let's wait, it made me stop and think, "was this the work of GOD? was he stepping in because he knew that if My Child had surgery, I wouldn't be able to handle the end result?"


well anyways the next week he had the surgery and everything went fine. But once again my house phone has been turned off for failure to pay...so i can't connect at home and the laptop i got from my SpecialDaddy ain't working that well at school, bout time i log on, class has ended.


as you can imagine a lot is going on...i am behind in everything and one by one things are getting cut off...but im not that stressed out about it because My Child's health is fine. I am still in pain everyday, but everyday I get to be in pain....i still will do all the updates that i am supposed to just as soon as things slow down over here.