The Ferris Wheel of Life

So I know that it has been a long time since I have been on here and believe me you, I have missed being here, sharing, caring, loving, and speaking my mind. but my life is like the ferris wheel: it looks really nice and pleasant from afar but it's actually really scary when you get on, especially if you afraid of heights. just when i think it's my turn to get a glimpse from the top, the ride breaks down and i'm stuck, dangling from the side.

On August 18, 2006 I was supposed to log on and blog about how on the 19th MY CHILD was having surgery and about how I was a lil on edge. I was on edge because My Child had been making these comments that made my skin crawl, he kept saying that he wanted to go home...that he was ready to go home. And taking these comments as they are written, you may say what was wrong with that. Well, when he made those comments, we would be home. So to unspook myself, I would ask My Child questions to try and gage where his head was... "what do you mean you want to go home, where do you think you are now?" and he would respond, "not this home, my home out there (pointing out the window)." Now being that i have never discussed Heaven or Hell with My Child for personal reasons, this scared the dookie outta me. So i asked, "what do you mean your home out there?" and he said, "my home out there, in the sky." and i hurriedly told him, "you not a bird, your home is not in the sky." but my heart had stopped beating...WTH was he talking about...what was going on.

I didn't get to blog about this because it was my last week of my internship and they were working the heebeegeebees outta me. I didn't even have time to IM let alone blog.

So come 5 a.m. the next morning I am trucking to the hospital so that My Child can be fixed for hopefully the last time. All the way there, My Child is trying to talk me outta going. "Mommy, i don't want to get my ear fixed today, lets go home and come back tomorrow." "Mommy, my ear is all better, see, it's not draining, nothing is coming out my ear, see look." (making reference to the blood and pus that had been running out of his ear for the last couple of days.) "Mommy, i'm sleepy, lets go home to go to sleep and come back later." I tell him that we have to get his ear fixed so that we won't have to worry about it later and plus now he will get to take swim classes.

At the hospital our name is called and he gets prepped for surgery. gown, scrub footies and hat, and bottom....then we wait. the doctor calls for him but they don't send him because the nurse is concerned, My Child is coughing. So the nurse calls for the anesthesiologist to come monitor him. He comes and he watches and he asks questions and he watches and he listens...and after an hour of this he tells me "i can't sign off on this, i don't feel comfortable with him going into surgery, i don't think he will make it, i mean it is possible that everything will be fine, but i don't want to be the one to take that chance."

what do you say to that? i mean on one hand i am glad that you are doing your job but on the other hand, now i have something to worry about. what if someone else had come instead of you and okayed the surgery....what if.......

so the doctor comes to see what the hold-up is, why isn't his patient who has suffered enough, not being brought to the surgery room. the doctor was informed of the concerns and he looks at me and looks at My Child and says "well, i would say let's do it, but if it means jeopardizing lil'man, i say lets do this next week same time, same place...we can't take a chance with lil'man."
now to me this sounded weird because My Child has come for surgery with gook coming out of his nose and eyes, wheezing and all kinds of other stuff and his surgery has NEVER been canceled. (and the time that he had the awful reaction, he had no symptoms.) his doctor always comes and says, "he okay, let's roll" so for him to say let's wait, it made me stop and think, "was this the work of GOD? was he stepping in because he knew that if My Child had surgery, I wouldn't be able to handle the end result?"


well anyways the next week he had the surgery and everything went fine. But once again my house phone has been turned off for failure to pay...so i can't connect at home and the laptop i got from my SpecialDaddy ain't working that well at school, bout time i log on, class has ended.


as you can imagine a lot is going on...i am behind in everything and one by one things are getting cut off...but im not that stressed out about it because My Child's health is fine. I am still in pain everyday, but everyday I get to be in pain....i still will do all the updates that i am supposed to just as soon as things slow down over here.