That's Just The Way that it goes...Everything is gonna b alright

i have this problem that some see so crystal clear, but it wasn't that i didn't see it, it's just that i looked over it. i wasn't ready to confront it...i wasn't ready to own it..i just wasn't ready to do anything with it BUT now i am, okay maybe i'm not, but that's not the point because if it was left up to me, i would NEVER be ready. i would keep procrastinating, just putting it off and off and off until it became one of those character traits that is often referenced as "that's just the way she/he is."

i have abandonment issues which has turned into letting go issues. you see how that works? i am afraid of being abandoned so i have a hard time letting go. see i have confronted it, right? so that should be the hard part BUT, i'm thinking not.

i don't really know why i have abandonment issues. i mean i have been a motherless fatherless child since i can remember. and i just would prefer for them to leave me alone. so why is it i get so distorted when someone in my life needs to be let go... especially the ones that are TOXIC?

and no, it's not that i don't feel like i can't get another one cuz i'se fine like a dated wine
and it's not like i don't have enough friends to keep the lost of one from making me think the world's about to end so what is it?

i'm not sure.
but i do know i have this annoying habit of clinging when in my heart i want to keep them in their groins and tell them to kick rocks barefooted. i know that i have to go through the motions and then some more ritualistic motions before i can accept that the relationship is official done. (be it platonic or romantic) and this is regardless of who has initiated the going of separate ways.
but i don't know why... and i don't know how to change it.

i mean i have been the heartless chick and i have been the loving chick...i just want some nice medium where if we good that i'm good but if we no longer good than i am still good. that i don't have to sit and mope waiting for something to change especial when i know that no matter what changes, our situation will still be the same.

so i will have to do more reflection and more listening to songs that tells me it's alright...that somoe people stay and some people go that's just the way that it go...e'erthing gonna b alright.

Clarity

i liked it better when the smoke clouded the mirror
and the reflection was distorted
from the steam rising from my flesh
and the precipitation dripping off the wal
li liked the fun house mirror
making you seem tall
disguising the shortsightedness
triggering selective amnesia
calming my storm
but the trees have separated
from the forest
and i realize,i never knew you at all