The Constipation of 7

how do i define myself, better yet, how do i define my success? questions that we can easily sidestep or answer half-heartedly simply because most of us will never be faced with a situation that utimately can make or break us...or maybe we do, and we just water down the situation to the point that regardless of the outcome, it doesn't affect us because we have already numbed our senses.

well, i had been constipated for several weeks and i didn't know why seeing how i was barely intaking food because of the discomfort of being constipated and also because of how uneasy my stomach would get after i loaded food into it. then i missed my cycle and my face started breaking out and my hair started falling out and things were getting really weird with my guy who really wasn't my guy....

then i decided that i would stopped bypassing the mail and just face the music...but this was only after i stopped ignoring the fact that me and the guy needed to have a talk because it felt as if he was trying to run away and didn't quite know how to make his exit...so after asking him if there was anything he needed to say and he hemmmed and hawed and sighed and tried his best to be diplomatic about it, he finally said what he needed to say which was, this still wasn't working for him because it still felt like a relationship and he didn't want to be in a relationship because he needed to focus on him...which unexpectedly didn't phase me, meaning it didn't make me cry, it didn't make me want to go gay, or want to make me want to slash his tires or key his car :} it just made me think about an email i had received earlier in the week that stated woman hear things and then ignore what they hear if it's not what they wanted to hear... guy had told me he didn't want to be in a relationship and I thought i was special and that I could trick him into wanting to be in one...but some months later, we were back to him concluding what he already knew in the beginning which was that he didn't want to be in a relationship...

so with one situation out of the way i decided to face them all...now i knew i wasn't pregnant even though i was about two weeks late, i knew that my body was reacting to the high level of stress it was under. i was working two jobs and getting only 2hrs of sleep and still wasn't making enough money to stay afloat, my child was acting out in school and that was having a huge impact on me because, well, he didn't ask to be here so it wasn't fair to make him suffer and then there was the fact that my board scores were probably sitting in my mail box and i hadn't decided how i was going to feel whether i had passed or failed.

since i had been farting around long enough, i decided to just open the envelope and deal with it. and there facing me was the words, we are sad to inform you that you were unsuccessful in achieving your goal...and there staring at me was my score, just 7 points short of passing. and i laughed... i don't know if it was because i had finally snapped and needed to be placed in a padded room or what....and as i was laughing, my stomach gave a gurgle letting me know i better make a dash for the bathroom or i really was going to be faced with a crappy situation...and later that night as i was lying in bed, thinking of all the fun times i had with the guy, i felt my luv come down, but something about the way the wetness stuck to my panties let me know that my lil' friend had returned.


that night, i closed my eyes just as the single tear was seeping from the corner of my right eye, i was coming to realize that i could do anything i wanted to when i put my mind to it...had i studied more than 2 and 1/2 weeks, who knows what would have happened. but for now, i was just glad to be able to make a bowel movement