When Will The Madness End

I mean really, is everything going to change? And yeah, I know I am hella late but dang, first Facebook and now this. I feel like I have been violated... what happen to free will and free choice. I mean why give me an option way back when regarding whether I wanted to upgrade to now force me to? Dangnabit.

So, Mary J. won last night and talked about how we all live in valleys to learn lessons so that we can rise to our peak... I hate to tell her, but some of us spend our entire life in the valley never getting to a peak. I am glad for her though, cuz she deserves it. Just like when I finally get mine, I will deserve it. Cuz I've been talked about and probably wrote about, not too sure about that cuz the people who generally talk about me, can't write, or shall i say spell or articulate anything outside of cursing that it wouldn't be worth your time to read whatever it was they were trying to convey.

Anyways, I gots a lot I need to get off my chest so that I can function long enough to get to my plateau just in case I gots another valley coming up before my peak appears.

Coming OF AGE

(so I'm a multi post cuz I ain't been here in a long minute and I rather get it out in one big post with split into mini posts than to double post)

So, the year started off with a jolt to my psyche'. I mean I thought there was nothing else "new" that I could suffer through until I found out that I had flunked a class. And many probably roll their eyes at this but, for me it was something major because in all of my years of being a professional student, i had never really flunked a class. i mean i have received incomplete F's which i let turn into F's even though realistically i had an A in that class, but i have never received an F and deserved it. But it happened and i was floored for a sec. okay for a long minute. I thought i was caught in some bad Twilight Zone episode. But low and behold, when I went and review my score, I had stunk up the place and I was ashamed and I was at a lost. See, excelling in school was always a given for me, it was something i did. But now, not only did it wake me up to understand that i can't keep skating thru life simply because that's what i do and have been doing cuz someone's got my number but it also put me in jeopardy of not graduating.

It's funny now when i look back on the situation after some weeks done gone by because grades do not define me and they never have, but for a moment, i almost let them. it's also funny because the person i call when i am at my weakest point laughed at me because as they stated "it's funny to think about what you let bother you and what you don't let bother you, you can wake up and find no food, no light, no heat and you'll be just fine, but you wake up to a F and you freak the hell out." that's right, cuz being hungry, without light and cold ain't nothing new to me, it's something that i have dealt with on many occassions so i know how to make it do what it do in those situations...but i have never been the dumb kid, so i was like a duck without a pond until i just got it in my head that now i really gots to make it do what it do...and then i could go and buy me some more pride to hide behind.

No The Hell They Didn't

Yes, the hell they did. The IRS done gone and garnished all of my monies. Every last bank account in my name, whether I had 25 bucks in it or $700. They took it. and i was penniless. less than penniless cuz after they took my mortgage money and after the bank levied their "if we had to fill out paperwork for the IRS taking your money" fee, i was in the red 300 bucks. and all i could do was cry. I cried like I ain't cried in a long time. There I was, on the public phone, cuz my phones are off cuz I ain't gots no money to get them on, crying. Crying cuz I am tired of the Devil playing with my emotions. I am tired of the Devil beating me down. I am tired of the Devil picking on me. And to add insult to injury I get these IRS jerks asking me if I gots friends that can lend me 6 g's... or if I could make arrangements to give them half of the money I make from working 8 hours a week... asking if i have any other bank accounts. And I am asking them if they have anybody who ain't idiots working there (yes i did, cuz one of the problems that i have is that i will always be me, meaning i will always spit fire with fire) I mean what else do i need to send in to prove that MY CHILD is my child... should i send them a sample of DNA since his birth certificate ain't good enough? Then this fool gonna tell me he gonna take every cent i have. I laughed and said you already did...but trust and believe you won't get another dime, not until this situation is straighten out...and trust and believe you wouldn't have gotten what you got if I wasn't waiting to get enough to pay my mortgage before i withdrew MY MONEY. and as I hung up on him as he was telling me he was documenting my account, i cried some more and then I prayed. I had to, there was nothing left for me to do cuz i was feeling really beaten, I didn't have money to take my class mural picture, i didn't have enough money to pay for my boards, whose deadline came and went, i didn't have enough money to put gas in my car, i didn't have enough money to do anything.

I needed strength to make it through to the next day, because everything seems a little brighter the day after. But, I didn't have enough strength inside of me to continue.... and my thoughts weren't coherent.... rob this, hustle that, pimp, strip, beg, borrow steal, put MY CHILD up for adoption... you know all of the crazy things we contemplate when we at our weakest point... so after i got over myself and stopped crying, i moved into action. MY CHILD had some money in his savings account and it would be just enough to pay the mortgage, then I had to call my Supahero to see if they could write me a check because if I deposited the money, them fools would snatch it up before the check cleared.

So now 5 days removed from the situation, it's still a foul situation, but I know that this too shall pass and that my days in the valley of poordom are numbered.

Luv

So, i used to wonder what Hitler was talking about when he used to talk about mistakes that would haunt you the rest of your life. NOW I KNOW. Wanting what I could not have, and shouldn't have had has caused me headache after headache. I am so sorry for MY CHILD, so very sorry... i see him get sad when he see kids walking around with their daddies... and I want to tell him so badly that he is so much better without him, that the fool he cries for is worthless and will never be able to equip him with the things he needs to be a man because he's still a little boy himself even though he dang near 50. That his father suck a "donkey" that he mailed me back all of the pictures he had of MY CHILD and told the Gurls that he just had another SON and named him after MY CHILd. All for a reaction from me.... and he got one too.... silence. I have decided that I will no longer give my thunder to scum like LUV. So, I will continue being Mama and Daddy to MY CHILD until someone who's deserving of our love comes along.

so right now i'm in a weird place... i'm thinking that it's time for me to be silent and to be still... because i am a good person...i have a heart of gold and yet it seems as if i can't catch a break...and i don't believe in karma, cuz i ain't done nothing to deserve what i have been getting... however, i see the blessing in everything, and the blessing is that i am still here despite the fact that a lot of people don't want me to be here... and i am still pushing forward, maybe not full steam, but i am still moving and i am still crossing things off my list, and i still have hope that it will get better and it will.... because i can see my floor and that's something that has eluded me for almost 7 years.