Reclaiming my cheez (Denial)

De* Nial

~ the state of mind where we refuse to see things as they are and for what they are... so nope, i wasn't trying to reference that body of water that runs through Egypt.


Denial comes in many shapes and forms but with the same results: stagnation and counter-productiveness (just to name a few) i will most likely touch on a couple more outcomes by the time i finish with my personal roundtable.

So, i was talking to Ms.2good about some randomness about what was being broadcast on the radio. Something about how Keisha Coles didn't want Frankie to have her own reality t.v. show. and i was like yeah, i guess not. and Ms.2good was like yeah, she probably doesn't want her mama to keep embarrassing her. she probably feels as long as she has her on her show she can kinda control the foolishness. she needs to take her off completely and just use her other mama.

and i was like, you can't be serious. i mean i watch Keisha Coles and i am not a fan of reality t.v. but when i know it's coming on, i am trying to watch it just so i can hear "how ya duing?" and "you ain't gonna keep treating me like i am a crackhead.. you can go pee me, i'm clean...well, you can't pee me now, but you can pee me in the morning." and i know a whole bunch of other folks who tune in to see what kinda of foolishness Frankie is gonna introduce, meaning, we ain't watching it for Keisha. now don't get me wrong, i love Keisha and i think it is commendable how she is trying to keep her family together and looks out for them, BUT ~ FRANKIE makes the show. therefore, it was my thoughts that Keisha didn't want to allow her mama to get her own show because she was afraid of what would happen to her ratings. and so i voiced my opinion because that's what i do... free of charge.

and then even though i should have stopped right there, my soul was already agitated because i had been dealing with full grown people that had the "i gots to be seen syndrome" and it was blowing me (but that's for a different time and a different day), i didn't. i went on to say to ms.2good:

it's funny because i don't think it's an issue that Frankie is/was a crackhead. do you think Keisha is the only person in the world who has a crackhead for a mama? do you think Frankie is the only crackhead in this world? what i think the issue is: that we are too ashamed to admit to ourselves and to the world that some of us need help. that some of us have crackheads for mamas. and we so ashamed of this fact that we refuse to see the bigger picture which is: there are crackheads out here having babies and they need help. but until we stop being ashamed of this fact, we will never be able to help these addicts because hiding them when company comes over or yanking them off t.v. shows or not talking about them does not fix the problem it just sidesteps the problem.

and if we think that by not addressing the matter at hand is what's best then we are living in a state of DENIAL and we need to look at ourselves and ask why does Frankie make me feel uncomfortable. why does her existence rattle my peace.
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So, My Child was missing Dirty..not sure why, but i don't get into this madness, i just do what i need to do to calm the building storm of longing and feelings of abandonment...yeah, i took him to see Dirty and boy was that a homerun. NOT!!!!

this fool comes a strutting across the street and i simply tell MY CHILD, here comes your father. he's like where. and i'm like there. and he's like "who that homeless looking old man?" (if i had any water in my body at the time, i woudda pist my pants) i was like, um why did you say that? "because he looks old and he looks homeless, or something." so when this fools gets to my car, he reaches for his old faithful tool, A LIE, when my child asked him why he was late. i just shook my hand because my child is just that, MY CHILD, and he wasn't going for no banana in the tail pipe. He was like "what, was you hiding or something becuz we didn't see you and the people inside said you had gone for the day." now i am in my car ready to drive off and take at least one of this fool's foot with me. so when he proceeded to answer this question with YET ANOTHER LIE, i had to intervene. there's a lot of things i will tolerate, lying to my child when you have done nothing but donate the tadpole looking thing to create 50% of his DNA is not one of them.

and if you believe this is not the case, you are in DENIAL.

so this fools goes on to expose how delusional he really is. it's one thing to think that my child is going to buy your okiedoke because your other children do, it's another thing to think that i still want you. DUDE, didn't you just say that i don't call you and talk to you? didn't you just say how i must still hate you for all the stuff you have done or tried to do to me? and yeah spitting on me and hitting me goes in the try category. and we know it was a try cuz you still among the living. but for you to honestly believe that i still think about you, let alone discuss you, well, that's just sad. didn't my child just tell you from the back seat that i don't talk about you at all. that i don't mention your name. why would i? after you showed me your true colors and i took the blinders off, didn't i tell you to vamoose? well that's what i meant. and then your comment that i will be happy one day..um in case you missed it, i am happy now. believe that.

~ so as i am driving away saying all the things that i wanted to say to this fool in my head that i didn't say out loud because MY CHILD was all ears, it got me to thinking about how many people are in denial about their relationships.... be it with their spouses/sig. others, themselves, their children, their friends, and even with GOD.

how we just refuse to see what's really real. or maybe it's not that we don't see it, we just don't want to address it because it makes us uncomfortable or it embarrass us. maybe we're hoping that if we keep redirecting your attention to some other nonesense that you will not notice the obvious. like if you leave the house with two arms and come back with one and you keep telling me to look at your new shoes thinking this will hold my attention enough to not realize that you now one arm joe. what the..!!! slim, trust and believe, as banging as your shoes may be, i know that you left with two arms and came back with one and trust that i am gonna be asking you about your missing arm, sooner or later, and if those banging shoes ain't a ten, it's gonna be much sooner than later.

so let's get to it, if your man/ woman wasn't any good when you met them, what makes you think that they gonna be some good 4 years later? now, i am not saying people can't change because people do it all the time. heck, i am changing (queing up that Jennifer Hudson) but I WANT TO CHANGE AND I MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO CHANGE. but people don't change as quickly or as easily as changing some drawls. so if he was a no good so and so when you met him, UNLESS he wants to be a good for something so and so, he is always gonna be what he was when you met him, maybe even worse. because remember, we typically send our representative when we initially meet someone because we want to impress the other party. so if his representative is triflin' well, you betta use your NIKES and run on outta there because sistah you can't change him, and if you think you can, um yeah *thunk* you might want to grab yourself a V-8 cuz you gonna need all the vitamins you can get for this bungyjump without an elastic band that you have signed up for.

and if she didn't cook, didn't clean, and only wanted to spend your moolah when you met her, um why do you think buying her a Betty Crocker, a Hoover vac, and telling her you need to save your money is going to matter one bit to her 2 years later? you knew she wasn't martha stewart when you met her, don't get mad now.

yeah, we can't get mad when people show us who they really are and we sidestep it, or ignore it because who they are makes us uncomfortable, doesn't fit neatly into our box, or into the pretty picture we are trying to paint of our lives.

~~ see i wasn't mad at Dirty for lying because he had shown me long ago that was who he was: A LIAR. i was mad that he would lie to my child in front of me, knowing that i would not stand for it. now there was a time when i was naive and thought i was exempt from the lies, thought i was special, but when this fool lied to me, to my face, told me something that i knew was a lie, i knew that the picture i had painted of our relationship was just that: a picture because the reality of our situation was nothing like what i had created on my mental canvas. and because at that point i had already taken the blinders off and had decided to deal with what was really going on and not what i wanted to be going on, i was able to recognize the BS and respond accordingly. However, when i was living in la-la land, believing this fool was gonna change, and was gonna change for me, i was in a state of denial and my refusal to see the truth and accept it for what it was: the truth, began to take it's toll.


******our refusal to not only see the truth but our refusal to accept the truth will manifest itself in our lives somewhere. (you can take that to the bank)