the metamorphis of me

"I am changing and I'm going to be better than I've ever been"

So I have been angry and hurt for a very long time....too, too long it's been since the sun has shined on my face. But now I have finally decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, to stop pitying myself, and to stop stopping myself. Cuz that's what I have been doing; that's what you do when you hide from yourself and avoid any situation that requires you to step outside of yourself.

I am about to graduate and I'm scared; I am petrified because once I graduate I won't be able to hide behind my books or get consumed in my hectic life. I am actually going to have to live. I am going to have to be in the line of fire and I need to know that I can still handle it. I need to know that I can still shine in the limelight and handle the pressure...that I can still make great decisions and know that they are great w/o me having to rehash them every ten minutes. I need to know that the rapist did not destroy the foundation of what made me, me.


In a lot of my blogs, I question why I have not left my perpetual valley, why I haven't arrived at my peak cuz everyone knows that I need to catch my breath, relax, relate and have a little fun. And maybe it has been because I still refused to face the fact that no matter what Hitler and Other has done to me, I still owe it to God to respect them and to treat them somewhat decently. Now, I'm not fake, but does it make me any less real to speak to them without the malice in my heart? I don't know because I have never tried it. I have always had to prove a point...even if my point was like beating a dead horse... I still had to prove that I was capable of holding a grudge no matter what...be it birth, illness, death, I was not going to let my grudge go.

But maybe it was time. I mean how long am I going to deny myself the opportunity to be truly happy because I am so determined to make a point? How long am I going to let my past cast a shadow on my future? How long am I going to be angry?

Well, in four days I will be 30 and I think I have let anger, disappointment, uncertainty, and self-hate occupy enough of those years for me to just let it all go... All of it. It is time for me to finally live

So I went home for an interview and this time when Hitler went to hug me, I didn't give him that Negro please look... I let him hug me. And when Other said she loved me, I finally uttered after some 20 years said "luv you too."

Yeah, I am changing