Sum Tymes I wanna Cry........

At Last

2010-01-26T03:54:00.002-06:00

Hey You,

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I have missed you and your quirky ways. I looked for you for a long time...people told me to give up, to cut my loses and move on. But something wouldn't let me, let you go. I knew in the pit of my soul that you were still alive. You had to be. We don't die we multiply! It's something about how you were designed. Something about your drive that I knew that even if you crumbled that you wouldn't just break down and die...that you would find a way, find the will, find whatever it would take to get back up, sort the pieces and get it moving again. And well, it has been some years now. Actually a decade....

But who's counting? (smile) I am just so happy to see you, and to see you smiling. It's been a long journey for us and we still have a lot of work to do, but it shall be done. We have a lot of catching up to do. I mean I went from always wanting to cry to luving myself, and looked who turned up...YOU. Oh, how I have been missing you. Seems like you weren't lost after all. I had just hid you away for a brighter day. I am so sorry I did that to you Heart. I am so sorry I deprived you of love.

I promise I will never hide you away again, come what may. We are in this together. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

*******************************************************************************
Here lies many tears from frustration, disappointment, and despair. There was a time when I could not, would not cry even though my soul was crying out and needed to spill. I am finally happy to say AT LAST I have gotten to a place where I can deal with the atrocities that have fallen upon me and leave them where they stand and continue on the path of loving me.

I still feel like Sum Tymes I Wanna Cry, but those days are few and far between. Now I am focusing on Luv Me and so if you looking for me, this is where I will be:

www.iambootifal.blogspot.com

It's been real and always, I tell the Truthz and nothing but the Truthz even when it hurts.

Purging of my soul

2009-09-17T05:42:00.000-05:00

I wish I had taken the time to get to now you so that I could've really been your friend. Most of the time I felt like I was on the outside looking in.
I thought you labeled me becasue you wanted to save face.
I thought you were decided to waste time until she came back to take her place.
I thought it was just a game for you which is why many did not know my name.
So, in turn, I kept my feelings hidden
and quietly patched my bleeding heart.

It seemed as if I wasn't important
because you always had your mumber one fan.
It seemed everyone wanted your time and I could never win
So I picked fights to help you choose to vacate from my life

Truth is.....
I felt safer than I had felt in a long time
And I felt beautiful and I felt like I could do no wrong in bed
And I am mad I let it slip away
Mad you could not stay

I wanted you to confide in me and let me share
in the pains, joys, and happiness
I wanted you to tell me that I wasn't the rebound
or the place holder chick
I wanted to know that if you were knee deep
that you would not abandon me until you were through
I wanted to know, I had you

I have since mused, the problem lies within

I was always doubting, counting and speculating
I was so busy watching
that I wasn't participating
I let others get in my head
and well shortly after, the worldwind love affair was dead

I won't lie and say you were the perfect guy
you hurt me
you turned your back on me when I needed a friend
but, I had not been that good of a friend myself

Truth is...
I want you to be in my life until it ends
So, I was wondering if we could start over as friends

i hate u, but i love you

2009-08-10T16:06:00.002-05:00

it doesn't make sense
the back and forth
seems nobody ever gonna win
the pain seems like it subsides
like the tides hitting the shore, but
something always stirs it back up again

simply put, i must walk away
i can't be Lot's wife
and long for the things that have to end
time and space
or space and time
it doesn't seem to make a difference
my heart beats the fastest for you

Ain't it funny

2009-07-26T22:02:00.002-05:00

so i am a lil bit disturbed..why is it every time MY CHILD has something that you can't come but yet you claim him as family... but if one of the other kids have something, you rearrange your life to make sure you are there...matter fact, you have a fit if you aren't told about it.

so why the pretense upset when you weren't told about his graduation??? i mean if you could have taken off for that, why not his graduation party? people that do things for show and pretense really get under my skin. i am not sure what to do about you just yet. MY CHILD loves you and misses you BUT I WILL NOT stand by and let you mistreat him emotionally, physically, or mentally.

maybe i am being too harsh, but it's just weird that you still run after the others when they not trying to give you the time of day and still treat mine as less than and he dotes all over you...

may divine intervention intervene cuz i am about to expolode

Green Eyed Devil

2009-07-23T20:46:00.002-05:00

yeah, jealousy is a motha... it just creeps up on you....makes you start second guessing and third and fourth guessing yourself. makes you creep creep creep past windows and wait in bushes in vain.. it makes you hate your sisters and kill your brothers.

it will have your head spinning if you don't nip it in the bud, having you reading in between the in between of the lines.

so just because you stopped believing in true love, one's supposed to believe you still were capable of loving after that... how is that? cuz if you don't believe in true love it just means that you out there half giving and half loving which basically boils down to you out there playing games with people's hearts

why am i here and you were holding another one near probably seconds even hours, okay maybe days before...cuz i'm a glutton for pain and misery, what about you

i don't need a betta man

2009-07-23T04:53:00.002-05:00

i need you to understand that you are magnificent just the way you are.
you have taught me so much about myself and about life.
you made me want to be a better woman, and today here i stand
changed, evolved, refreshed, and most definitely blessed
season, reason, lifetime
it's a shame we can't pick which one each individual gets to be
but i guess then it wouldn't be a lesson learned before dying
chunky monkey, jelly roll, man boobs.....
i still love you.
not like i used to love you cuz way back then, i didn't love myself
now, it's like a rebirth...
giggles and points and obvious stares that used to shake my foundation and rupture my core,
yeah, they very seldom get attention or power over my life these days

yeah, i don't need a better man
i need to continue growing, evolving, refreshing, and accepting
but, if you don't think you are the best then, you need to double up on those pills
and get down on them knees and pray that God open up those windows to your soul
so the reflection of what i see becomes so manifested in you that it'll never escape your reality
cuz u like superman
but instead of me being your lois lane, i'm your kryptonite

don't be mad, what's done is done
plus anger is really a useless emotion unless you use the rage to fuel change
and if you are not going to change the underlying cause for your disdain,
then what's the point of becoming enraged?

i'm the michael jackson of women, i just want to be a kid again
but i'ma grown woman and at the end of the day,
i wanna be alive to witness my comeback

i may be black, and i may be poor and i may be ugly but i am here....classic old me
i am beautiful and you are worthy, somethings are worth waiting for, patience... new me

The freedom of acceptance

2009-07-22T20:26:00.002-05:00

boy am i cheesing today... i am free yall. i am so free. free of blame and guilt.. free of childhood ghosts...just free

i have learned the power of accepting. i mean i know the serenity prayer but i mean who really understands how freeing it can be to really just let it go...the fear, the anxiety, the hate, and the hurt..

i mean for some reason i had been holding on to all of this crap like it was a badge of courage. but it was more like a weight and today i feel lighter than the 156 pounds i am actually toting... boy am i sexy.. believe that.

so i have been working on me for some time now but there were still some things i had been sidestepping...well today i took one giganormous (oh yes i did) leap forward, and sadly backslide a little. but i am here to speak on my accomplishments

today i had a convo with Luv and well afterwards i felt so much lighter. i was able to look him in the eye and tell him how felt, how i had been feeling. how ashamed i was of some of my actions and how hurt i had been., how rejected i felt when i read his post .....and how okay i am now. yeah how okay i am with knowing that he doesn''st love me the way that i love him and that's okay because there is nothing wrong with me cuz like i said, i'm sexy.

i was able to tell him that it was hard for me to ACCEPT that he was the one for me but i wasn't the one for him, BUT that I have and that i did and that i was okay with it. ( i was able to tell him this, looked him straight in the face...didn't drop my eyes and didn't let my voice quake...i didn't get nervous and laugh it off like i was joking... i just spoke from the heart and said what i needed to say) yeah LuV got a lil uncomfortable becuz he's like me, doesn't like dealing with feelings..

feelings are scary but guess what, we all have them.

so i have accepted that i don't deal with feelings or express them like most but that's something i am working on but may never change. i have accepted that it's is no fault of my own that i have a disconnect when it comes to emotional ties.

i have accepted that the bond or pull between us is stronger than me and that only God can help me resist AND i am okay with knowing that i was wide open and chickenheadish because luv makes things happen

i have accepted that Dirty probably will never man up and take care of my child and that i may never find anyone to love me the way that i loved Luv but that i am going to be okay and that My Child is going to be okay.

i have accepted ME!!!!! and it sure feels good to be free... watchoutdernow

some realities

2009-07-16T19:27:00.002-05:00

i wonder why it is so hard to accept the truth?
to accept that you gave it your all and well, your all simply was not good enough.
i wonder why it is so hard to just come right out and say, "yeah, i played you" and keep it moving
i mean at the end of the day it is what it is

it has taken me some time to come to terms with some things and it has been very very frustrating...and no, i ain't better for going through it... it darn near broke my spirit... it nearly cost me my sanity... it made me want to lose my life... it shook my foundation
but i am here..i'se a still climbing and a still moving forward

sometimes i reflect on my life and laugh...and other times i cry..i guess it depends on if it's a half full or half empty kinda day.

for as long as i can remember, i have been searching for that 'aha' to make my motherless fatherless childhood, heck life make sense for other people and a week or so ago i got it and i am going to leave you with it

'when a parent suffers from mental illness, it's very unlikely that their children will develop proper emotional connects with people or be able to carry on successful relationships that requires them to be emotionally attached because the person (people) who were supposed to teach them nurture, emotion, affection, etc...was not able to effectively do so.'

Housekeeping

2009-07-16T19:15:00.002-05:00

I do believe that when i last blogged that i was doing a mini-series of some sort...well i will get back to it when time permits...

see that's the devil's way, to let them climb up and then beat them when they almost to the top.

so needless to say things have gotten a little rough over here. MY CHILD has been in and out and back in the hospital..and well that just drains me

i gots some things going on with my health that i need to check out but i had no insurance and it was like why bother..

things were getting pretty shaky in the money department... cuz when i shook the bank, nothing clinged back

"it's funny when it rains it pours...they got money for wars but can't feed the poor" yeah it was pouring down over here and i didn't have a poncho, umbrella, plastic bag or any newspaper, it just rained and rained on my head

but as always, the sun will and did come out

well, i am waiting to see if this medication is going to work on my child i will blog a lil about what's going on in my world

CHITOWN's SE BABY

2009-07-16T19:04:00.002-05:00

coming full circle.... it seems as if that's what's going on in my life right about now...things are coming full circle.

it just clicked the other day as i was driving around this damned city's SouthEast side that i am a Southeast Baby. i hail from Berry Farms.. ironic ain't it...well not hail but i did spend some of my earliest years there...but not when it was the eyesore that it is today...

it's funny becuz for years i have been searching for the home where my brother was born and where i spent my early childhood years and for some reason the other day it clicked and everything sort of made sense

well as much sense as nonesense can make

i am stuck in this place that started the craziness that ruined my entire's family's chance at having a true loving and functional family.

Hitler lost it here...this is where he was changed from the fun-loving mystical creature i often hear stories about..they may as well be fables cuz you can't pay me to believe they are true... to the strong fisted iron clad dictator he was throughout my life.

and this is where i also lost myself...lost my innocence...my lust for living and for giving...lost a chance on really giving love a shot... almost lost my life

i may be my father's daughter but i refuse to be his twin... i refuse to let this godforsaken place forever change me...

i will not let this black hole i have climbed out of suck me back in...i will rise

A Moment For Giving Thanks

2009-05-28T16:37:00.002-05:00

Okay so for the past two days I haven't been able to finish blogging about my mini-saga because I have had a headache out of this world.... and i'm not one to get sick let alone headaches so when i get one, i am all out of whack cuz i am out of my element. not sure if i am stressing cuz i am living and luvin life. not life "life" but the over all picture of life.

yeah, that's the best i can do at explaining it, so either you gonna get it or you ain't. so is life

but the other day things were just falling in place for me even when things were going wrong. i still have a dilemna, well not really, but i kinda sorta do..but i can't talk about that right now, i gots to unmuddle the madness so i can make it somewhat followable.

so i met up with molasses and he asked me what my angle was..why was i doing this? i mean i'm at the welfare office in the morning, i am trucking around helping needy kids, etc. after that, was i doing it to write a book to glorify my struggle? he's saying all this as he is adding more clients to my workload. yeah, i am sure that check is gonna look halfway decent whenever i get paid. i had to chuckle cuz i could have simply stated that i already have two completed books and another near completion so i really didn't need any more material...yeah i know, and i am working on that too.. this too shall pass. anywho, i didn't respond, i just smiled and lived in the moment and thanked Jah.... molasses didn't even understand how God was allowing him to bless me and at that moment even though i was living on borrowed time cuz i don't really do the borrowing of money, i didn't even feel like i was struggling. maybe it was because the "stressing" wasn't there because it had been replaced by faith.

so today i went to see one of my clients and well it just does something to me when i cross the the river.. it so distinctly different from when i cross the park. i mean to see the popo station themselves on the corner as the elementary schools let out... i'm like wow, not even high school, elementary. i'm like they are babies, what could they possibly be doing to warrant this type of attention....then these "babies" pass by the open windows of my cars and i'm appalled at the language erupting from their lips...like for real you what 7 years old and calling someone a B*** and telling someone you gonna F** them up. then my client tells me how the ~~slumlords~~ property managers refused to fix her leaking toilet talking about she has two, use the other. and he was of the other persuasion so you know he wouldn't have been talking that smack across the park. so she wakes up to her ceiling caving in from her toilet running.. so now they have no choice but to fix it but they leave the cracked ceiling... so yeah i'm like, document, take pics and forward it to the health department.. i would be calling everyday saying i got feces on my ceilings.. i'm not sure if she does, BUT, it is a toilet and feces does go in a toilet and it would be a health violation AND the health department would surely respond and her ~~property manager~~ SLUMLORD would certainly respond faster the next go around...if the government didn't yank their government contract with them... i was dumbfounded watching this smigger walk to these residence with an armed guard trailing behind him. if you scared what you doing in the hood? take yourself back across the park.. don't be across the river exploiting people who already rubbing two nickles together trying to make a quarter. i mean it's broad daylight bruh and the popos cruisin this neighborhood every 3.5 minutes and if you think that highly about the people you renting to, what you let them sign the lease for? i wish ole man wanna be a freak would come knock on my door with some heavy artillery talking about he wants to inspect my house to see if i have cleaned up...hmph the world would finally get to see what a beast i am in the courtroom.

so as i drove back across the river to get my child from between the river and the park, i let out a big sigh and said thank you Jah because even though i would love to get a place across the park i am so glad we are at least across the river... things certainly can be worse even when we are at our lowest point and i am extremely grateful my child doesn't know the difference between a fire cracker and a gun shot.

Reclaiming my cheez (Denial)

2009-05-25T18:54:00.002-05:00

De* Nial

~ the state of mind where we refuse to see things as they are and for what they are... so nope, i wasn't trying to reference that body of water that runs through Egypt.

Denial comes in many shapes and forms but with the same results: stagnation and counter-productiveness (just to name a few) i will most likely touch on a couple more outcomes by the time i finish with my personal roundtable.

So, i was talking to Ms.2good about some randomness about what was being broadcast on the radio. Something about how Keisha Coles didn't want Frankie to have her own reality t.v. show. and i was like yeah, i guess not. and Ms.2good was like yeah, she probably doesn't want her mama to keep embarrassing her. she probably feels as long as she has her on her show she can kinda control the foolishness. she needs to take her off completely and just use her other mama.

and i was like, you can't be serious. i mean i watch Keisha Coles and i am not a fan of reality t.v. but when i know it's coming on, i am trying to watch it just so i can hear "how ya duing?" and "you ain't gonna keep treating me like i am a crackhead.. you can go pee me, i'm clean...well, you can't pee me now, but you can pee me in the morning." and i know a whole bunch of other folks who tune in to see what kinda of foolishness Frankie is gonna introduce, meaning, we ain't watching it for Keisha. now don't get me wrong, i love Keisha and i think it is commendable how she is trying to keep her family together and looks out for them, BUT ~ FRANKIE makes the show. therefore, it was my thoughts that Keisha didn't want to allow her mama to get her own show because she was afraid of what would happen to her ratings. and so i voiced my opinion because that's what i do... free of charge.

and then even though i should have stopped right there, my soul was already agitated because i had been dealing with full grown people that had the "i gots to be seen syndrome" and it was blowing me (but that's for a different time and a different day), i didn't. i went on to say to ms.2good:

it's funny because i don't think it's an issue that Frankie is/was a crackhead. do you think Keisha is the only person in the world who has a crackhead for a mama? do you think Frankie is the only crackhead in this world? what i think the issue is: that we are too ashamed to admit to ourselves and to the world that some of us need help. that some of us have crackheads for mamas. and we so ashamed of this fact that we refuse to see the bigger picture which is: there are crackheads out here having babies and they need help. but until we stop being ashamed of this fact, we will never be able to help these addicts because hiding them when company comes over or yanking them off t.v. shows or not talking about them does not fix the problem it just sidesteps the problem.

and if we think that by not addressing the matter at hand is what's best then we are living in a state of DENIAL and we need to look at ourselves and ask why does Frankie make me feel uncomfortable. why does her existence rattle my peace.
******************************************************

So, My Child was missing Dirty..not sure why, but i don't get into this madness, i just do what i need to do to calm the building storm of longing and feelings of abandonment...yeah, i took him to see Dirty and boy was that a homerun. NOT!!!!

this fool comes a strutting across the street and i simply tell MY CHILD, here comes your father. he's like where. and i'm like there. and he's like "who that homeless looking old man?" (if i had any water in my body at the time, i woudda pist my pants) i was like, um why did you say that? "because he looks old and he looks homeless, or something." so when this fools gets to my car, he reaches for his old faithful tool, A LIE, when my child asked him why he was late. i just shook my hand because my child is just that, MY CHILD, and he wasn't going for no banana in the tail pipe. He was like "what, was you hiding or something becuz we didn't see you and the people inside said you had gone for the day." now i am in my car ready to drive off and take at least one of this fool's foot with me. so when he proceeded to answer this question with YET ANOTHER LIE, i had to intervene. there's a lot of things i will tolerate, lying to my child when you have done nothing but donate the tadpole looking thing to create 50% of his DNA is not one of them.

and if you believe this is not the case, you are in DENIAL.

so this fools goes on to expose how delusional he really is. it's one thing to think that my child is going to buy your okiedoke because your other children do, it's another thing to think that i still want you. DUDE, didn't you just say that i don't call you and talk to you? didn't you just say how i must still hate you for all the stuff you have done or tried to do to me? and yeah spitting on me and hitting me goes in the try category. and we know it was a try cuz you still among the living. but for you to honestly believe that i still think about you, let alone discuss you, well, that's just sad. didn't my child just tell you from the back seat that i don't talk about you at all. that i don't mention your name. why would i? after you showed me your true colors and i took the blinders off, didn't i tell you to vamoose? well that's what i meant. and then your comment that i will be happy one day..um in case you missed it, i am happy now. believe that.

~ so as i am driving away saying all the things that i wanted to say to this fool in my head that i didn't say out loud because MY CHILD was all ears, it got me to thinking about how many people are in denial about their relationships.... be it with their spouses/sig. others, themselves, their children, their friends, and even with GOD.

how we just refuse to see what's really real. or maybe it's not that we don't see it, we just don't want to address it because it makes us uncomfortable or it embarrass us. maybe we're hoping that if we keep redirecting your attention to some other nonesense that you will not notice the obvious. like if you leave the house with two arms and come back with one and you keep telling me to look at your new shoes thinking this will hold my attention enough to not realize that you now one arm joe. what the..!!! slim, trust and believe, as banging as your shoes may be, i know that you left with two arms and came back with one and trust that i am gonna be asking you about your missing arm, sooner or later, and if those banging shoes ain't a ten, it's gonna be much sooner than later.

so let's get to it, if your man/ woman wasn't any good when you met them, what makes you think that they gonna be some good 4 years later? now, i am not saying people can't change because people do it all the time. heck, i am changing (queing up that Jennifer Hudson) but I WANT TO CHANGE AND I MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO CHANGE. but people don't change as quickly or as easily as changing some drawls. so if he was a no good so and so when you met him, UNLESS he wants to be a good for something so and so, he is always gonna be what he was when you met him, maybe even worse. because remember, we typically send our representative when we initially meet someone because we want to impress the other party. so if his representative is triflin' well, you betta use your NIKES and run on outta there because sistah you can't change him, and if you think you can, um yeah *thunk* you might want to grab yourself a V-8 cuz you gonna need all the vitamins you can get for this bungyjump without an elastic band that you have signed up for.

and if she didn't cook, didn't clean, and only wanted to spend your moolah when you met her, um why do you think buying her a Betty Crocker, a Hoover vac, and telling her you need to save your money is going to matter one bit to her 2 years later? you knew she wasn't martha stewart when you met her, don't get mad now.

yeah, we can't get mad when people show us who they really are and we sidestep it, or ignore it because who they are makes us uncomfortable, doesn't fit neatly into our box, or into the pretty picture we are trying to paint of our lives.

~~ see i wasn't mad at Dirty for lying because he had shown me long ago that was who he was: A LIAR. i was mad that he would lie to my child in front of me, knowing that i would not stand for it. now there was a time when i was naive and thought i was exempt from the lies, thought i was special, but when this fool lied to me, to my face, told me something that i knew was a lie, i knew that the picture i had painted of our relationship was just that: a picture because the reality of our situation was nothing like what i had created on my mental canvas. and because at that point i had already taken the blinders off and had decided to deal with what was really going on and not what i wanted to be going on, i was able to recognize the BS and respond accordingly. However, when i was living in la-la land, believing this fool was gonna change, and was gonna change for me, i was in a state of denial and my refusal to see the truth and accept it for what it was: the truth, began to take it's toll.

******our refusal to not only see the truth but our refusal to accept the truth will manifest itself in our lives somewhere. (you can take that to the bank)

REclaiming my cheez (The Breakdown)

2009-05-24T22:30:00.004-05:00

So, i have been blogging in my head trying to get the message/story/events down in a manner that was easy to digest. i mean i have been disgusted with a lot of things, but at the same time, i have been happier than i have been in YEARS!!! yup, me, happy, can you believe it?

well, i had a lot of things going on and it had been a long time since i had place my thoughts in cyberspace and i was like how can i just make it all relate and make people understand why even though i always go ghost, how this time was different, and how this time was so fulfilling and how this time was the start of something new.

then i had a convo with an ATL WB and it just all clicked. i was gonna talk about my transition and growth in terms of :

Denial,
Acceptance/Acknowledgement,
Adjustment, and
Forward Movement/Progress

(please don't hold me to this... i may add,change,delete the breakdown at any point along the way...but that's life, it's very fluid)

so, now that i have laid my foundation, i think that i am ready to regurgitate my journey thus far with the blinders off and the bag out of reach... may the pieces splat in a comfortable way because i have no intentions of cleaning it up.

Reclaiming my CHEEZ (series)

2009-05-24T21:35:00.003-05:00

So I have been M.I.A. again, but this time for a good reason. I have been living!!! and well, sometimes when you're living, you just don't have time for anything else; especially when you ain't been living for soooooooooooooooooo long.

However, it's been hard because I have sooooooo much to talk about, which is why i am going to do this post in a series, with a lot of sidebars that don't have much to do with anything.

for instance, the other day i went to the welfare office, i mean the department of human services and four gunmen ran up in there. i mean for real dudes, who yah gonna rob in the welfare building. i mean we trying to get ours, translation, we poor, and what little we have, we need. but for real, these dudes ran up in the place chasing this dude they were trying to rob on the street for a chain. i'm like this is the '09, are we back to robbing peeps for their jewelry? i mean i know it's a recession but dang!! what's next, back to jacking starters and jordans?

but that's not the thing that really irked me, what irked me was how it was like a movie that had gone wrong... i mean it was almost straight comical as i replayed the events to my cuzzo and them. i mean how is it that gunmen can just prance into a GOVERNMENT building with guns out, yeah i said out, not hidden! i guess that would be because there are no metal detectors, which leads me to my next issue. how is it that a place where indigent people, people down on their fortune, frustrated people, desperate people, and at times volatile people come to seek help only to meet rude, nasty, ignorant, misinformed people/workers who somehow think the money that I(we) are seeking to receive is gonna come out of their pockets, accounts, check, or their baby's college fund doesn't have a metal detector and ARMED guards?

i mean there has been plenty of occasions that i wanted to bust someone upside their head in there just on GP. i mean just because i need assistance does not make me less than. i am sure that if Massah wasn't pimping me, i would be able to buy and sell you and your entire family, but since he wasn't paying me no where near my worth and the fact that MY CHILD has to eat, i am here doing what a good mother who has worked 3-5 jobs at a time since the age of 16 would do: GETTING MINE!

then there is the situation with the guards running...well it wasn't quite a run because their weight and lack of exercises slowed them down but it was much faster than a jog.... i mean i don't know if i am mad seeing how they only had a stick and handcuffs, but i mean at least pretend to be tough or something or know how to defend something besides the delivery boy dropping off your next meal. then what was the deal with the silent alarm that had flashing blue lights?

i mean if you gonna have lights, i want the whole shabang..i want a siren, i want the building to shake...i want everything...i mean if you gonna let the perps know you have given the bat signal to the po-pos, i mean really let them know, don't half do it.

i still don't quite understand the logic behind allowing people to still enter the building or the fact that we were told that if you go out it's on you, i can't tell you to stay but if you go out it's on you. what in the hamsammich!!!!!! um, i don't think that was ranked in the top ten responses you give potential hostages.

i have to say i was impressed with the new recruits who responded. they seemed so, um, how do you say it? what's the word i am looking for? oh, yeah...NEW!!!! i was waiting for someone to pull out their pockethandbook.

needless to say, i felt that i would be safer leaving the building, especially seeing that i was on a time schedule. i needed to get MY CHILD enrolled in the park summer school at a discounted rate cuz mama cash flow is at a trickle. well, i am glad that i left when i did because i got to see some special type of po-pos perform.. still haven't been able to find out who these fools belong to, but they were a sight to see. from their flying through traffic with their special sirens, cutting people off....their high speed maneuvering...made me think that a movie was being filmed... i hurried up to see if they were going to jump out of their cars and roll on the ground with their guns out...but i was like them, too slow and missed their car exit. but i am sure had they arrived some 25 minutes earlier when the events took place, all of their theatricals would have been worth it... ...maybe.

the best part about this situation was: it didn't even make the news. makes you wonder, was it because it wasn't newsworthy? was it because nobody got shot? or was it because the last thing the government wanted to masses to know was that they weren't even safe trying to collect benefits?

some things we will never know. i guess that's life. and i guess that is sorta why i decided to find time to get back in the swing of things with my blogging.. cuz life happens, it happens to all of us. for some it comes at us full force and hits us right smack dab in the face...for others, it is like a sightseeing tourmobile, it's a pleasant journey, allowing us to get out at designated locations to enjoy the scenic overlooks. for others, it's like a rollercoaster ride, with some highs and some lows.

yeah, life happens and if we aren't careful, we may miss out on the lesson that life is a ride that we can truly enjoy once we recognize who belongs in the driver seat.

Don't take it so personally (musing #2)

2009-02-08T15:19:00.002-06:00

as long as i can remember, i have taken things personally. i mean to be honest, sometimes, i don't see any other way to take it. if you say, 'those are some ugly shoes you have on,' how in the hamsandwich am i supposed to take it, if i don't take it personally? i mean i personally have the "ugly shoes" on my feet so how am i not to take it personally?

you stop talking to me and don't give me a reason... um, yeah i am gonna take it personally unless you have stopped talking to everyone else in the world

you invite everyone in our circle to a function but me, yeah, it's gonna be chalked up as being personal.

you leave messages on all your other friends' walls except mine..yeah as childish as it seems, i am gonna take it personally

you don't answer or return any of my phone calls or messages and i know for a fact that you don't do this to other people...yeah, i am gonna take it personally.

what other way am i to take it? i am not sure. but i do understand the underlying message in this foolishness and i do try to use the techniques often given in self-help books but, um, it's sometimes very hard to make it about some deficiency in the other person. what i have found that works is analyzing my feelings... acknowledging them and giving them full credit/weight for what it's worth, and breaking down why it is that i feel that way, is there something i can do to change the way i feel and trying to see is it really about the other person or about some issue within myself that i haven't resolved, or maybe had no knowledge that needed to be resolved, that has caused me to take it personally...does that make sense?

well, anywho, this method has worked for me and over the last year i have found it easier and easier to actually not take things so personally becuz i have found it easier to just dismiss whatever it is that has been said or work through my issue to the point that whatever it is doesn't even matter any more.

i guess the hard part about this is that it requires you to be honest with yourself and sometimes that puts us in a very uncomfortable place... case in point

the other day i learned that someone i cared about stopped believing in true love way before they met me..well, not met me but before we started dealing and i was hurt, no i was crushed.. my heart literally ached because to me it said: the last time i loved or believed in love was when i was with this person so everyone that came after this person, um, i didn't love.

so, i'm hurt and i message and tell him this: just wanted to let you know you hurt me something terrible... everytime i allow you back in my life things happen to make me question if you even deserved to be there in the first place. now, ofcourse this was written out of hurt, and it actually identified partly why i had taken this newfound knowledge so personally.

did he deserve to be there in the first place? if not, that would somehow signify that i was a poor judge of character and had let yet another dead beat into my special space.

when he said he loved me, did that mean he was lying? so, not only did i make a poor decision in allowing you to be in my life, i was gullible too because i believed that you loved me

so, if you didn't believe in true love since ol girl, did that make me the rebound chick? it's not that i mind being the rebound chick per se...it's just, let me know in advance before you annouce to the public that i was the rebound chick.. so at least when your chickenhead true love shouts me out(um and i only call her a chickenhead cuz that's what she is), i can be on guard so that i can deliver my hostility. (yeah, i couldn't resist)or when my peeps ask me about it, i can know what they are taking about and have a response.

so the basis for my being hurt and taking his message so personally was because i felt that he was letting the whole world know that i was a fool basically because i was deeply in love with this boy and the whole world (ha) knew that.. that i wasn't a good judge of character because i had people believing that this dude loved my dirty drawls and that it was my personal issues that lead to our demise when in actuality it just boiled down to: i wasn't the one he wanted to be with. and i guess my only consolation was that there are guys that i just didn't want to be with and well that's why i am not with them; however, difference is, i told them from jump street that i was just passing the time away... didn't tell them i loved them and if i did, i also told them when i no longer loved them and why we needed to part and i didn't give them any hopes of reoccupying the space that was now vacant.

so did i have a right to take his message personally? no, because he wasn't setting out to attack my character, he was simply stating his feelings about love in general and i took that to mean he didn't love me when in fact it doesn't matter because it will not and cannot change the fact that i loved him so.. i can't say now that well since you didn't believe in love when we were together, i now change my first response to you.. i really didn't love you, hah!! real life doesn't work like that... just me personally speaking

My musings as I continue my growth (multiple saga)

2009-02-08T14:48:00.003-06:00

So my cousin thinks I am HOSTILE and I think she is wrong.. or maybe she is right.. I don't know. I don't see it as being hostile, I see it as being who I am. Doesn't make much sense I know, but it is what it is.

I am not hostile. I am not overtly or purposely belligerent.. and that's what comes to my mind when I think of a hostile person.. just someone ALWAYS waging war with something or someone.

This isn't me, sure I am slow to back down from confrontation, but I very seldomly initiate it. Just leave me be. I really don't bother anyone unless I absolutely, positively have to..but when I have to, please note that I bring out the big guns ablazing. I have very low tolerance for a lot of things and wasting my time going back and forth is one of them. If we gonna scrap less scrap...if not, keep it moving. (doesn't always have to be physical)

So, if you say something out the way to me, my child, or someone that I have been given charge of, yeah I am gonna address it and it's not going to be with my tail tucked between my legs. I am not a child and the last time I feared another human I was 13. And my thinking is that if you felt it necessary to voice whatever it was that was flying around your lil head in a manner that was audible to me then at the very least, you should be expecting a response.

I tend to speak my mind without a filter, does that make me hostile? I don't think so, but maybe people take it that way. Like I said, I don't have high tolerence for a lot of things and shucking and jiving ain't one of the things I can stomach. Just keep it real with me, cuz that's what I am gonna try with you. So if I think that you deserve better, I'mma tell you.. If I think your friends are using you..imma tell you...if your man trying to holla at me...i'mma tell you. If I have had enough of your shananagins and I am having a hard time resisting the urge to pick something up and bust you in the head..yup, Imma tell you.

So, if my expressing myself and not taking much crap off another makes me hostile, then I guess I am hostile; but, I still don't see it that way.

imma bout to erupt

2009-02-03T17:48:00.002-06:00

so i haven't had access in a minute and i am just livid....not just about that but about a lot of things so i am just gonna put them down here so i can come back and expound upon it if my soul is still disturbed.

that nigga done stiffed me for my papers. boy the devil wants to keep pushing my buttons and he doing a good job.. this fool may just get bodyslammed before it's all over. it's bad enough he pimping me, then he doing these bootleg things with my check like not signing them (haha joke was on him cuz i went around the corner and signed that badboy..sucka) then giving me a check on a closed account acting like he didnt' know.. um hmm really... you bets to be glad i am living a christian life cuz i wouldda busted the windows and slashed the tires ...you think that homeless lady put in some work on your Benz...hmm not this negro flat out didn't pay me on time talking, um if i give it to you, you can't cash it..oh really? negro you give it to me, it will be cashed..didn't just pimp my behind for 2 wk? then yo' slim imma cash the bad boy.. so when he gives it to me he shorts me... yeah.. so now we gonna play those games.. hmm so i have now resolve to not only bill you for hours and not work them but imma leave your behind high and dry with no notice..

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSAh..

and then that other negro.. yeah some wounds will never heal.. i don't know why i bother

the devil is trying my patience

2009-01-30T21:33:00.003-06:00

so i haven't been on for a sec cuz i have been coming home and passing out
just flopping on the floor and waking up to the crickets.. or rain/hail pelting the windows.
and feeling cold..weird, i typically don't get cold..
my craving for baking soda is back... let's me know that my soul is deeply disturbed
so they say art mirrors life..well does life mirror art or just reflect it?

the other day i was ranting about how this dang blasted place won't do what it's supposed to when it comes to snow and ice and i was just putting the finishing touches on my mental email to the mayor when my car spunt out. i mean it just went around in a circle a couple of times while i was trying to park.

my response: i got out the car with the club and beat the ground.. it crack a little but not enough to effect any type of progress for me to straighten my vehicle so i said bump it. it wasn't anything i could do at that moment but lock my car up and proceed to work and yeah my car was in disarray but i couldn't worry about it, so i left and laughed.

cars are blessings and curses.. i just spent over $300 to get it back right due to it's off road driving i couldn't afford to be late to the plantation.

so my child has taken to acting out as of late. he even called his grown cousin a nigger. i mean she is one but that's not the point. lmbdo. then he has taken to crapping on himself. do you know how much effort it takes to crap on yourself. i want to beat him but he would probably "get dead" so i just take away things he likes doing like eating supper and playing bball and with rocks. i'm sorry i don't do doodoo

massah is the devil in the flesh and today is pay day and um i didn't get paid. he claims he had no funds. so i am sitting on my hands right now to keep from torching his office... he ain't gots no funds in a sec he won't have a practice.. u play with my money, u playn with your life. but imma just sit here and say my kumbyus until monday cuz i know it's the devil messing with my soul.. he trying to get me to slip..

i won't give him this victory or this war. imma have to figure out how much of my money maker imma have to shake to get them neyo tickets.

one luv and hugs cuz i know i can't be the only one that needs one

Are you the YOU, you want to be or the YOU someone told you to be?

2009-01-21T21:12:00.003-06:00

In order to effect true positive change in your experience, you must disregard how things are-as well as how others are seeing you-and give more attention to the way you prefer things to be.

i took this quote off someone else's discussion because it so poignantly stated what was muddled in my brain.

it's funny because most of my life i have beat to my own drum. did my own thing and not really cared who had anything to say about it because last time i checked, i came in this world by my lonesome and was probably checking out by my lonesome. however, there are distinct turning points in my life where i went against myself and lent a listening ear to all the naysayers and DL Haters and just unhappy people around me, and it didn't fair well for me.

the first time would be when i knew right down to the core of me that i needed to take a break before coming to college. i wanted to travel, to experience life, i wanted to sleep. i had pushed myself so hard to get to where i was... first black valedictorian female in my school, sporting a 4.995 g.p.a., tennis team, swim team, chess club, academic decathlon, asia club, middle eastern club, french club, PIP, Key Club, Kiwannis, Big Bruh Bis Sis, you name it, i was probably on it and actively involved. i just wanted to take a year off and just chill and then here come the naysayers with their hater shirts on

(hi haters) you need to go to college right away. you don't need to take the year off..if you do you will never make it back...you are wasting OUR opportunity...you have too much to lose.. please don't let US down.

so, i came to school and got so sick that i basically had to repeat my entire first year. stay in the hospital...and you know what the dr. said? yup, you should have taken a year off, you had pushed yourself too much...your body shut down because you didn't rest it. funny thing, i don't remember none of the haters digging in their pockets after i lost my full ride to help me continue OUR dream.

then their was the issue of financing school with a loan.. yeah i had worked so hard..i received so many free rides, why would i go to a school that i had to finance with loans?

(i see yah haters) End result, i wound up at a school that i didn't particularly care for and spent the next 8 or 9 years in undergrad sulking about how i should have followed my gut and went to the A (me and T.I. could be married by now) i mean after i lost my scholarship i had to fund my career with guess what... LOANS!!!!!

and then there was the time i was told that i shouldn't date this person or feel this way about that person because they were not up to par...they weren't good enough for me...they weren't 'um i don't know what? ROYALTY? so i hid my true feelings in an effort to spare their feelings if someone came out the pocket when we were together.

(big ups to all my haters) so i let a good one get away and for what... for someone who also was dating, feeling, married to a blue collared worker? i mean i understand you wanting the best for someone but dang.. was it you wanting the best or wanting me to be alone? last time i check pedigree nor money bought class or character.

so now i am back in a place where i tell peeps 'do you cuz imma do me' and that involves becoming the me that I like, no, that I LOVE, because if i can't stand to live, look at, or take out ME then how in the hamsandwich can i expect someone else too? so people LIVE YOUR LIFE and stop trying to live someone else's for them...(unless you birthed them and then only if they under the age of 10) figure out who you want to be and what you want to do for you... and when them lil birdies come with their tidbits of info, do what we sung about in the army "SMASH THEIR LIL HEADS!"

HATE ON ME HATERS CUZ I'M DOING JUST FINE.

the comfort of an old friend

2009-01-20T23:03:00.002-06:00

so today was Obama's big day and while i woke up ready for it to be over i was excited about one thing: my friend/sista was here from the Chi by way of Alabama and it was like finding your other favorite sock

i haven't seen her in a decade though we talk semi-annually on the phone. and it's just something about true friendship how you can literally be separated by the oceans for half a century but as soon as that distance/barrier is removed, things go on like you were never apart.

no uncomfortable silence... no awkard hello's .. no presenting your representative...none of that foolishness.

just a big ole scream and a tight hug and you all slip on into convo like yall have been talking everyday for the last decade or so.

true friendship in this day and age is rare like a perfectly polished gem...so if you have it, trust me when i tell you to hold on to it. it's nothing like having someone you can pour your soul out to, good, bad, ugly and not having to worry that the next day everybody and their mama will be talking about your bizness.

i guess that's why i have been trying my darnest to let my faithful ten know how much i appreciate them. how much i love them.. and how much i would miss them if i could never pick up a phone and talk to them...

so if you have someone out there that's dear to you that you haven't checked on in awhile, stop reading this and go do it. believe me, good convo with a good friend is better than chicken soup and hot choc on a -37 day in the Chi' any day.

i had a lightbulb moment

2009-01-16T07:19:00.004-06:00

so this morning i was carrying on a convo in my head with Safeway (naw, i ain't crazy)
it's just easier sometimes for me to have convo with him in my head before i actually have them with him..that way i can think thru my responses. or actually replay a convo we had that didn't fare so well and figure out why.. why is it that when he puts me on the spot or in the hot seat do i shut down or just say some outta the way stuff to send him on his way.

so like i said in another post Safeway and i have been speaking, nothing serious just having POLITE conversation. anyways, i was trying to express why i had been treating him the way i had been treating him as of late and then why the 360. see, i sent him a letter telling him to stop contacting me, period. to stop sending me forwards, stop forwarding dumb texts, stop sending me one of his mass messages, just to leave me alone. now, i am in no form, shape or fashion over this boy BUT i need to be. and i needed him to stop interfering with my life. i needed him to give me space to breathe and to allow me to deal with him on my terms and on my time. it sounds selfish and maybe it is, but his arbitrary contact in my life was causing me major problems.. i was so angry with him and needed to know why...to see if it was another classic case of misplaced anger.

so on new year's eve this negro sends me a text at 10 something talking happy new year and i'm like enuf is enuf. so i txt him back 'delete my number' and i that's what i wanted him to do. delete my number, delete me, delete us.

so the weeks go by and chaos is surrounding me but my mind is so clear..like everything is making sense. everything i need to do...everything i need to stop doing, etc. i enroll my child in b-ball which is an entire post in itself..i go skating for the first time since 1995.. i talk to my mother in probably the closest to 'respectful' manner since i was like 6. i allow myself to be caught up in someone else's drama but not to the point that it cripples me and stops my progress. so i'm like, you on a roll...how about tackling Safeway. how about dealing with that face on. so, i call him and he's like yeah, let me call u back

so now i'm like okay...is he going to call me back or is he on getback...and then i dismiss the thoughts as quickly as they appear because it really doesn't matter. and that's a victory for me cuz i typically WASTE about 10 min going over why he can't talk to me..wondering about what it is that he is/isn't doing at the time and so forth. and when he does call back, i am shocked.

shocked because i had forgotten that i had called him and because he seems so HAPPY to talk to me. and yeah he gives it to me about calling him after telling him to stop calling me..stating that i mean that he can only talk to me when i am good and ready to talk to him...yadda yadda yadda. and well i talk with him and i feel good. not affected really. when i got off the phone my mood was still the same it was before he called. i did call him right back because i needed to say something to him. (how ironic SAY is now playing on the radio) i called him back and said this...not exactly all of what i needed to say but most of it.

i just called back because i want you to know that i still love you and i am still in love with you. so the things that i did were never because i didn't love you. i was mad with you and mad with myself. i was mad with myself for loving you so much and mad with you for allowing me to love you so much. but now i'm okay with knowing that i loved you and am ready to accept things as they are... i just don't know why i was mad about loving you but i was...

his response, 'ditto... *chuckle* naw, yeah, i still love you too'

so this brings me back to where and why i started this post. this morning i woke up pondering why it was that when we both told each other that we loved them that we got timid..or maybe shy or whatever it is that we get... i told him that i felt vulnerable or scared or something ...and why i was trying to find the missing piece that would solve this question, another question popped into my mind that Safeway had asked me awhile back 'did i think he cheated on me' my response to him at the time was that i didn't care yadda yadda yadda (yeah i cared but it didn't matter if i cared or not at the time because we were beefing)

so in my head i told him that it was 'complicated' because when we were together i didn't think he was cheating on me or would cheat on me because he loved me... then when we were beefing i was like he didn't cheat on me because he didn't have the time and he was scared i would Lorraina him and he wouldn't do that in his people's house (yeah i know..wet behind the ears)... then when we were threw i was like 'Hmm, you don't need that much time to cheat and i now know what his peoples don't know he ain't gonna tell so maybe he did but it's nothing i can do about it now, but yeah it's possible'

so i am now literally looking myself in the eyes (i'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth) and asking why can't you just believe he was faithful and leave it at that? and the reality was this: if i believe that he was faithful and he actually wasn't then that would be a bad reflection on my character. that it would show that i was gullible, silly, stupid, THAT GIRL..you know the girl, the one all in love with her dude when everybody, including her mama and his mama, know that he ain't nothing but some trash and that he doing her dirty. but the reality of it is this: i can only control me and most days i don't do a good job at that becuz Shanequa La Shay Shay be coming out all free and nilly regardless of where I am..be in court, judge's chambers, police car what have you...she come out and let you have it. (rumor has it, she a lil hostile) so if he did cheat on me or disrespect me in anyway, that is a reflection on his character not mine. and the fact that i loved him with all of my might and it didn't work out doesn't mean anything either...just means that i am capable of loving someone more than i love T.I. and Michael Jordan.

so for the 2009 i am going to continue to LIVE MY LIFE (gotta shout him out) and work on loving without any regrets and trusting without any regrets and if someone misuses my trust or love, that's on them...something they have to deal with not me.

one luv
smooches

My big girl drawls ain't working

2009-01-14T17:32:00.002-06:00

*warning this will be tmi*

so i have been having this problem for some years now but it's getting worse.
i bleed through my clothes and well it's too the point where i just want to call in sick...
but seeing that i don't get sick leave and bills have to be paid..i go to work. but it's really pointless because i spend most of the day in the bathroom.. and the time not in the bathroom i spend watching the clock so i will know when i should be rushing to the bathroom
and let me tell you that i have tried everything.

i mean on most days i am equipped with 3 pairs of drawls tights 2 pairs of shorts and at least 2 pairs of pants... this is what i wear not what i take with me and trust me when i say that it never fails that i always wish i had put on another layer of protection because i get up and my seat is red. good thing my seat is now leather because i can just spray and wipe ( no scrubbing necessary)

so today i am just feeling just so thru..massah keep talking about nothing...and then he wants to get mad when he realizes that i am not listening to him. so i decide to email Always and tell them about my plight.. tomorrow i will email another and another and another one until somebody starts sending me free pads or something for my trouble.. i mean pads aren't cheap and seeing that they aren't working for me i think that they should just give them to me free.

okay that's the end of my rant.. but please do email/comment if you have any suggestions on what i can do to prevent any more leakage incidents.

****update***

so the IL welfare peeps called me and seems like they are willing to help my mother with childcare and financial assistance if she takes the baby/babies. maybe this will prompt my sister into tellling what/where the infant is.... i will keep praying and you all keep me in your thoughts

one luv

find a happy place

2009-01-12T19:51:00.002-06:00

so i have to be honest with yah, i am still not coping with everything that has taken place over the last couple of weeks. my head hurts just thinking about how this little baby is out there with i don't know who. and the funny thing is, my sister and i have NEVER been close. but, i have always done what i could to uphold my title as big sister. she has a thing for weird socks...so whenever i see weird socks and have a lil extra change in my purse, i get them for her. she likes bugs bunny, so whenever i see anything with bugs bunny on it, i get it for her.

when i found out some dude was messing with her.. i made some calls and was preparing to go a riding..

so it was only natural that when i found out she wanted to give up her babies for me to volunteer. not really so much out of love but out of obligation... and maybe out of love too.. not sure. things are so foggy right now. i've changed so much over the last year that it's hard to say why i offered my help.

i remember distinctly telling my Unc that if my parents died especially my mother that i didn't even know if i would take the time to come to the funeral let alone help with the arrangements. he told me that i would have to because i would probably be the only one that could do it..and i was like, 'she betta hope one of the three kids that she constantly buys stuff for and spends time with and do for can rub their heads together and get it done'

but now, i guess i would have to do the arrangements even if i didn't go to the funeral because i am obligated ..it's the first commandment with a promise. funny how i could care less about this before and now well, it's all that i care about.

am i living my life the way i am supposed to regardless of what the next man or woman is doing? am i forgiving those fools that irk me on purpose? am i being long-suffering with my mother who ever time i see her number i want to jump out of a window? am i being patient with a child that whines for no reason... and let me tell you, i don't get it right every single day or every single time but at least i am trying...and this is why i will keep trying to get through to my sister even though in my heart i feel like she should be the last person crying it's hard because i guess when you so used to having everything done for you that it is hard when you are forced to stand on your own come what may

i feel the urge to ramble so i will close here...maybe tomorrow i will feel up to talk about my convo today with safeway

IF you CRAZY and you know it clap your hands!

2009-01-10T20:38:00.002-06:00

Bipolar is a form of mental illness. (okay now that we have gotten that out of the way, i can proceed)

well, i haven't been able to bootleg/pirate the internet for a minute which was probably to my benefit because my entire being was still messed up... have you been so mad that you just couldn't function regardless of where you were?

well, i was at work dealing with a family crisis that really didn't have to be a crisis if people would just 1. act their age 2. assume their positions 3. stop turning a blind eye to everything 4. stop lying to themselves and everyone around them... and massah there trying to pluck my nerves but really can't do so because i ain't paying him no rabbit mind. there was one point that i left my desk and went to the bathroom to complete my call to IL family and child welfare.

my sister got in a cab with her baby that mind you was a week old and came back without her baby and NOBODY finds that a bit alarming. and when questioned about it she simply states that 1. we won't see the baby again and 2. please don't talk about it because she doesn't want to discuss it. WHAT AND THE HAM SANDWICH!!!

so yeah i am a lil mad okay more than a lil mad because when i was told that she was going to give this precious baby away i asked her if i could have the baby and she said yeah.. she was like 'sure Truthz, you can have him...all his stuff is over there.' just like she was giving away a sack of potatoes or a loaf of bread and then she said naw i couldn't she was just gonna give him away but won't say who why where or nothing.

now i know it's hard out here for single mamas... ain't nobody gots to tell me cuz i done been there done that and still doing it. and so i just ain't into giving out sympathy to someone that i know was getting support from their mama and someone who had other options opened to them.

see i was willing and ready to take her lil baby because i am sure once she get her mind right that she gonna want her lil baby back and because even though we ain't cool like that, she's my sister and i have her back just on GP and i offered to take her 1 year old, too.

so on the day in question i received a text saying she now wanted to give the 1 year old away and was looking for somebody to give it to and i'm like what in the world...didn't i just tell this girl i would take them both and now she done separated them and won't tell where or what happened to the newborn and wants to give the other away, too. so i'm like if i call the Peoples on her she surely won't let me have the 1yr old but if I don't and she threw that baby into a ditch then my conscious will beat me until i die..

now, i am not saying she hurt the baby and i'm not saying she didn't but what i am saying is that depression coupled with postpartum can be a mother and it's no telling what kinda voices she hearing and what they are saying.

when i had my child i heard voices telling me to throw mind out the window (sure it was my own voice and it was after 45 days straight of him screaming at the top of his lungs like a grown man (he had colic)and i wasn't suffering from depression nor postpartum) and i would call one of his relatives who thought he was so precious and say 'look imma about to toss him you betta come get him.' and they would not because they thought i was gonna toss him but because they understood i had had enough and needed a break. AND ofcourse he would get over there house and sleep and not make a sound but that's another story.

so anyways i am at work trying to deal with something that i shouldn't have to deal with but have to because the people who should be dealing with it can't because they haven't even dealt with their own issues that have contributed to the situation at hand. (whoo, that was a lot but now i feel better)

so the Child and Welfare People said they would send someone to check on the 1year old and get info on the newborn but i needed to provide info that i didn't have and well my mother wouldn't provide becuz she was like she definitely won't give you the child if you do that and i think that she just needs some time alone because she is going through a lot..

yeah, you don't say.

so, i don't know if i am gonna get the one year old but i hope so because i would rather get her than some stranger .

then the very next day my cousin calls me and tells me that she has been robbed and that she called our rich aunt to ask for assistance and she laughed at her. and when she asked her if she could get her train card she told her that she was upstairs and the card was downstairs and she had already put her feet up (what in the world) so yeah, now i have to figure out how i can wire my cousin some money so she can get on the train so that she can get to her new job.

the Devil is always busy even when you are resting, believe that. but i refuse to give him my joy in 2009. so as i bring this to a close, i dust my shoulders off and say this:

mental illness is on the rise and the longer it goes untreated, the more severe it becomes. please people if you need help get it...there is no shame in that. we all have problems, some more than others and who's to say what's gonna make you snap. we have to stop turning blind eyes to things especially when children are involved.

forward movement...one luv

Enuf to Get A Nigga Cut

2009-01-07T18:39:00.002-06:00

Okay so I am not one for violence. Yeah, I had to snicker at that one too.. Okay, but for real, I am not for violence any more. That was the old me...and sometimes the Devil tries to bring Shaniqua Shay-Shay Monifah Smith from the grave, but I refuse to let him knock me off my square...BUT there are times when he comes close

So the other day I was talkn to my cuzzin who was upset and well believe me you when I tell you that she had every right not only to be upset but to be PISSED THE FLICK OFF. She had gotten an email that morning from some chick telling her and 6 other ladies that the man they thought was EXCLUSIVELY theirs was no only her fiance' (meaning soon to be walking down the aisle after marriage counseling was over fiance') but he was a NASTY LOW DOWN LYING ON HIS MAMA AND CHILDREN NASTY HO'. (did I say NASTY)

Before I go on with my rant I must say that kudos go out to the lady who sent the email because that's what she proved to be a "lady," she didn't come at them all sidewides and talking out of her neck...she talked like I wish more ladies would talk, like they have some common sense (which would mean that you couldn't or shouldn't get mad at the OTHER lady or LADIES in this case because they don't owe you a thang)

So anyways this Nigga gots the nerve to be having unprotected sex with all of them. What The World?!? He got one of them preggo. I am just praying that while he was swapping body juices that he wasn't swapping anything else. This Nigga was handing out engagement rings like they were fruit loops. This Nigga had told several of the ladies that his mama had died; well the Resurrection must have taken place without my knowledge because this Crackho' (disclaimer: don't know if she really a crackho' but she acting like one so imma call her one) comes a running out her house when two of the ladies went there to comfort the NASTY NIGGA talking about which one of the "B" out there threatening her son.

Now this how I know God is Good...oh, so Good all the time... See had it been me, the Devil wouldn't had to push no buttons to bring lil Shay Shay out of me because I would have ran up on both of them and did a RAMBO, artillery and all. But the Good Book states we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear and that's why I got to hear this instead of live it.

So this Nasty No Good LYING NO JOB HAVING LIL STICK (disclaimer don't know this for sure but he is overweight and typically overweight guys walk with lil sticks) PIMPLED FACED NASTY WASTE OF SPERM is hiding somewhere in the DMV area and I am gonna find him. Why do I want to? Well I think it's wrong of him to miss the party that I am throwing in his honor.

Dial Soap stays on sell, 12 bars for 2 bucks and a pack of long white socks you can get from the dollar store..

Swing batter batter batter swing...and believe me all 8 ladies shouldn't miss him.

But the thing that upset me the most about this situation was the fact that WOMEN were helping him get away with his lies to all of these women. the CRACKHO' and his girl best friends were all covering for him and that just baffles and frustrates me.

Why do we as women raise lil boys to become men that we wouldn't want for ourselves or for our daughters. Why would we allow a dude do to another woman what we wouldn't want done to ourselves. Betta yet, fellows: why would you do to a lady what you would hurt someone for if they did it to any of your female relatives?

We gots to do better.

Gots so much on the mind a good way to release some steam

2009-01-05T18:29:00.003-06:00

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people

10. It's funny that you always 'sick' when my child is having some type of function.
9. Just because you spray immediately after you take a dunk doesn't mean your do-do don't stink..
8. Funny you always gots stuff to say about other people but you fail to see the chaos going on in your own house
7. Just because your booty-gold ain't worth the sperm that created him doesn't mean you have a right to take your frustration out on everybody else...suck it up, you made him.
6. Last time I checked, all the bills that came to this residence had Truthz's name on it so no, really, i don't give a rat's behind about what you think about how i run my household.
5. Sweetie, my bad for making you believe you were all that...figured you already knew you were trash and I was just trying to do my part in uplifting the black men
4. Trust and believe if I said it, I said it...now what are you gonna do about it?
3. I don't care how many chairs and how many new phones you buy, when I find me a better job, I'm outta here.
2. Don't tempt me.
1. I'm sorry.

9 Things about yourself

9. I am super-sensitive
8. I am afraid of commitment because I have been hurt so much.
7. There are days when I just want to give up
6. Most days, I hate being a parent
5. I am so tired of doing it by my lonesome
4. I am reaping what I have sown
3. I suffer from depression
2. I used to be in love with this dude named Safeway
1. I am so in love with God

8 Ways to win my heart

8. love me
7. befriend me
6. love yourself
5. be carefree esp. when I'm not
4. respect me
3. cherish me
2. make me feel like I am the most important person in your life next to God whenever we are together
1. miss me

7. Things that Cross my mind a lot

7. I wonder will I ever get another chance at real love
6. I wonder if it really was real love
5. I wonder if he cheated on me with that crazy girl
4. Why do people think it's okay to be nasty to people for no reason at all
3. Will I ever find a job that pays me enough so that I can actually buy groceries on a regular
2. Why did it take me so long to do what I knew I should have done all along
1. Why people like playing with other people hearts

6 Things I do before I go to sleep

6. Tell my child to go pee
5. Tell my child to get in the bed
4. pray
3. stare off into space daydreaming
2. trying to find an unsecure wireless to pirate off of
1. feed Joe the fish

5 People I couldn't live without

5. My Unc D
4. My Child
3. My cuzzo RaeRae cuz without her I couldn't live with My Child
2. My Ace
1. My Heart

4 Things I am wearing right now

4. a do rag
3. pantyhose with a marathon in it
2. a sweater
1. a bra

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly

3. My sunshine
2. Blackberry Molasses
1. Fine

2 Things I want to do before I die

2. Get baptised
1. Find True happiness

1 Confession

1 I used to go to sleep hoping that i never woke up

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly of 2008

2009-01-01T21:15:00.002-06:00

I must first start off by saying that I am so thankful for the small things in life...things that I at times have overlooked. Like, I am thankful that I have an uncle that loves me unconditionally, whether I am engaging in something that is good, bad, or ugly. I love yah Unc and I thank Jah for you everyday. I am thankful to be able to open my eyes each day with the opportunity of making that day better than the day before. There were times when I placed no value on life and could care less about if I had another day to make it right...but now that I AM MAKING POSITIVE TRANSFORMATIONS I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to grow in maturity to understand that I cannot be indifferent about everything, esp. life.

'08 was a beast of a year. There were things that brought me to my knees, like losing my cousin to breast cancer and just watching how selfish and inconsiderate people are even when tragedy strikes.

Like hearing the news that B-Man had died and seeing that all the money in the world couldn't save him or Issac, reenforcing the fact that money can't buy you love, life, class, or morals.

I really came into my own in '08 and learn the power of forgiveness...it's a shame when you hold a grudge against yourself. I knew that the only thing constant was change but I didn't quite remember change being so hard. We always know what the right and the PC thing to do, but somethings it's so gosh darn hard to do it, esp. when we have been doing the opposite for so long.

I finally stopped giving God my butt to kiss and started giving him my LIFE to bless. It's crazy how control crazy we can become that we don't even allow God to do what HE wants to do for us. I was a master at given HIM a problem and then taking it back...well I have gotten into the habit now of giving it to HIM and telling HIM that it's HIS to keep...and in the '09 I plan to perfect this technique because it's so easy for me to slip back into doing things my way even though they never quite worked out how I anticipated or wanted them to.

2pac asked a very valid question: how long will they mourn me? and the answer is: the ones that don't love you won't mourn you at all and the ones that do will mourn you until they have learn to live without you... for some this may take weeks or months and for others it may take years....

i have been mourning the death of myself for 9 years now and well my weeping well has finally run dry. and it's no coincidence that it ran dry right when i had finally came to grips with the fact that the me that i used to be is long gone but the me that i can be has yet to be written. for so long i have been waiting on something to happen for me...for me to get a decent paying job, for me to find a decent man with a decent paying job, for somebody who promised to get me a tennis bracelet to actual get it, for me to get this and get that and well, i am done with waiting in the '09 it will be about me getting.

What I made see the light of day in 2008

2008-12-31T18:18:00.006-06:00

So, I have finally done something that I have been wanting to do...START a CAKE Biz... Yipee! Bizness is kinda slow right now, but I am getting rave reviews..funny, negroes always trying to get something for nothing or at a huge discount...i can't blame them cuz I am the same way..but anyways, this is my new side side side husla. I think my cakes look pretty good considering how many lessons I have had. The guitar was my fourth cake and I sold that one and the Snowflake one. The snowman cupcakes was just something I was toying around with...I sent those to school with my child right before winter break...it was his turn to bring treats..(yup, i was trying to showoff)

I must say as I am reflecting on my lessons learned and accomplishments made in the 2008 I can't help but patting myself on the back and saying "job well done." Sometimes we forget to do that...I know I do. I have overcome a lot of obstacles and removed a lot of stumbling blocks and unblocked a lot of blessings simply by getting down on my knees and asking HIM to guide me and me allowing him to.

Yall be safe and make 2009 the best year of your life todate.. I know I am... I plan to drop my book in the '09 and expect all yall to go out and support cuz a sista gots bills to pay and a growing boy to feed.

gotta luv moi,

smooches

No More Chocolate Cake Batter Ice Cream

2008-12-30T21:38:00.002-06:00

Unfortunately, I haven't had internet access so my brain is overloaded with things I need to get out.

So the other day massah was cracking the whip extra hard because he is having lady trouble..and well I am just not caring. There was a water main break and our building was closed because the fire alarm/sprinkler system along with the toilets weren't working. So massah tells me to finish this letter and some more crap and I can leave...well an hour or so pass and I finally finish his laundry list of crap and as I am leaving he is walking back in the door talking about it's some BS, if the building was closed people wouldn't be able to come into the building and therefore i need to stay and do some more crap he has conjured up into his overactive brain as now being important. well, i am really not caring BECAUSE if a fire breaks out and we trapped all he gonna say is "just my luck" and all i am gonna say is "i don't want to die with you" (really, the way he constantly whines about everything just in general lets me know that he ain't gonna go down quietly...) so after i start whining about how i have to pee and can't because we can't use the toilet he sets me free....so when I finally get out I am tense. Massah irks me on a normal becuase he doesn't respect my personal space but he has really been irking me as of late because he beefing with one of his ladies. So I head to one of my favorite spots to hit up when I just want to escape only to find out that my day wasn't going to get any better.

I get to Cold Stone looking to get my chocolate fix...(I had been feenin for some Chocolate Cake Batter Ice Cream for a minute but had been fighting the urge because one, my pockets couldn't take it and two, when i was going there everyday my pants couldn't take it.)

I get there and I was told that they no longer carried my flavor because it was only Seasonal and therefore they have a right to move it out to move other stuff in (really, you moved out my stress reliever for some chocolate gingerbread mint crap?) they told me that i could get chocolate mixed in the regular cake batter and i'm like whatever, it's not going to be the same. But not trying to be acting like a pouty 2 year old I take it and leave and well it wasn't the same...it was cake batter with chocolate mixed in but it wasn't chocolate cake batter...that's when it hit me:

Some things in life really are seasonal...even though they may taste so dang old good and make us temporarily forget our troubles, in the long run they aren't good for us or to us...whether they are a financial strain or place a physical strain on us, they are only meant to be enjoyed for a limited time and when their season is over, we need to move them out and replace them with something current...or maybe just something seasonal...and sometimes it's going to be a miss like that nasty chocolate gingerbread mint and sometimes it will be a keeper like cake batter which started off as a seasonal item as well. And sometimes the replacement is not going to stack up to the original and well we can either deal with it and learn to adjust or we can wait for the Season to come back around when we can have what we want and maybe then it won't just be seasonal, it'll be a keeper.

The roadtrip of limitations

2008-12-22T17:57:00.005-06:00

So i drove my child to the Chi' in the dead of winter...i know wtw was i thinking. well i was thinking that i had learned to drive in the worst of Chi-town's winters and well, i could do it again. so i loaded up my car, with my child, with snacks and pops, picked up my aunt and hit the road... and i was doing fine despite driving in the mountains in the dead of night with bigrigs flying past me on narrow turns. but i was confortable with where i was speed wise. i mean i was doing 65 through the mountain and that was putting me right on target with me getting to the Chi' in at least 9 hours instead of the 12 hours it was said to take. and we were HIGH in the mountains..up there with the fog and the eagles. so i wasn't trying to keep up with the bigrigs, i would catch them on the flat ground. so in about four hours time, i was coming out of the PA mountains looking and feeling good. my knee was holding up and so was my body odor..(driving cross country in a heated car is bound to make your deodorant run dry) but like clockwork, i started getting sleepy.. i asked my aunt if it was around 3 am cuz that is typically the time my body likes to shut down. she told me yeah...so at the next rest stop i pulled off, i didn't want to be driving and going to sleep with my child in the car. my aunt told me that she would dry so that we wouldn't get behind schedule..i asked her if she was sure..and she was like yeah.

i remember walking up and grabbing her arm as i felt the car jerk back and forth... i asked her if she was okay...she said yeah... i looked outside and there was noone or nothing around besides the pretty snow that had covered Ohio the day before. i watched her for a couple of minutes to make sure she was okay before doozing off back to sleep. some thirty minutes later i woke up feeling rested and told my aunt that i would take over, she told me that she was fine and that i should try to get a few more minutes of sleep.

well a few more minutes is all i got because i was suddenly awaken to the thump thump sound that had jolted me away the last time i had made this trip, when SB almost drove us off the side of the mountain. my eyes shot open as my aunt was saying 'i can't believe i just did this' and my heart dropped and i was thinking oh, no not this crap again...but i wasn't frightened because i was like we on flatland and i knew we weren't going off the edge of the mountain. i watched as my car cascaded off the side of the road and shot toward this embankment covered in ice, branches and snow. i remember jerking my head back and forth trying to think out the situation.. i remember glancing back at my child, who was still sound asleep...i remember thinking 'why is the Devil always after me.' i never said a word i just kept praying that we didn't hit the wall hard and was very thankful that i had move my child's seat from behind the passenger's side to behind the driver's seat. i watched as right before impact my aunt sharply turned the vehicle to the left, causing my body to be thrown into the door, as we narrowly missed colliding into the structure outside of the barb-wired fence. i let out a sigh of relief as i watched my car settle into some type of ravine/ditch filled with water and mud. i looked up towards the road watching as the car shot passed thinking 'someone had to see us go off the side of the road....why hasn't anyone stopped?'

my aunt looked at me as she tried to see if she could get the car to move. it was stuck...she tried to gather her thoughts together to explain how we had to come to be in the position that we were in... i just looked at my child who was still sound asleep. i told her that we were going to have to get towed out and she handed me her phone.. i called 911 ... 20 minutes into my call with 911 a passerbyer stopped and came to see if we were okay...they were traveling from VA. My aunt told them we were fine.. he asked if we needed anything and she told him no that help was on the way.

so the po-po's and the tow truck get there and examine our predicament. the po-po walked around the vehicle as much as he was capable too, trying to assess the damage. he then notice my child in the car and chuckled stating, 'it doesn't even looked like the lil guy woke up.' i said, 'he didn't and that's a blessing because he would have been petrified.'

the lil tow guy got us rigged up to his machine and after about 25 minutes, he had us back on the slick shoulder. the cop explained that the even though the roads were clear, the shoulders hadn't been treated. he examined my car and told me that it didn't look like much damage but that my car was covered in mud. (the right side of my car was covered in mud and my hubcap had been destroyed... the rain knocked most of the mud off but it was atleast 1 foot of mud on my car) he told me that since everything and everybody was okay no report would be done that we just needed to settle our bill with the tow guy and we could be on our way

well my cash flow was calculated and i was hoping he wasn't going to really put me in the hole..he was like 91 bucks if i needed a receipt and 40 if i didn't. so yeah, you know i ain't got proof of ever being towed out of that ditch.

we got back on the road and at the next pull off i took over and drove all the way to the Chi dropped my child off and turned around and drove back to DC ...the PA mountains were an adventure on the way back because my knee had swollen to the size of a baby watermelon and felt like it was going to sever itself from my thigh bone. my windows were fogging and refusing to defrost...my aunt couldn't find me a cd with enough bounce and beat to keep me motivated... the mountain's roads were getting slick and well um, i couldn't bring myself to ask my aunt to drive. so when we finally reached a rest stop i pull over to rest my knee. my aunt said she was gonna sleep some so she could help me drive because she didn't trust herself driving w/o rest because of the earlier incident. she told me to get out and stretch my legs...i got out and fell against the car. i couldn't stand on my leg let alone walk...i got back in the car in tears.... i cried myself to sleep. i woke some 2hrs? later and hit the road...my knee was better but i still didn't trust myself with putting pressure on it...so now instead of doing 65 through the mountain, i was doing 40 and sometimes less. it pained me to but my blinkers on... i didn't want to be identified as the slow car...but the fact was, i was the slow car and i rather get home safely then to speed and not get home at all. the ice storm we had left in the Chi had caught up with us... and for some reason my windshield wipers weren't working fast enough...and well the rain that it didn't knock off my glass instantly turned to ice...( i was going to take a pic of it but the man at the mickey d's window plucked it all off talking about people never did what they were supposed to do so he was gonna help us out.)

let me tell you that when i finally exited that mountain some 8 HOURS later, i was one happy and frustrated camper. i was happy because we were alive and frustrated because it had taken us longer to get through the mountain than it had taken us to get to Chi-town on the way down.

i asked my aunt if she could drive once we got on 270 she said yeah...i drifted off to sleep and woke up just in time to see the car drift across the lane...i called out to my aunt and she was like i don't know what's going on with me tonight...needless to say i stayed up the rest of the way home..

i thanked my aunt for coming because it had been fun: she got to see Chicago and I got to learn the beauty of recognizing my limitations. i knew that i wanted to drive straight through and stay under 10hrs in doing so, but the reality of it was, i couldn't do it. my knee had had enough and mine and my aunt's safety was more important than me getting back in record time. and i also realized that just because someone can drive, doesn't mean that they can DRIVE...it's a technique to driving across country and either you got it or you don't...and you got to recognize it and move on...

and to think i have to drive down and get him in a couple of days

The changing of the Seasons

2008-12-16T20:25:00.003-06:00

it's something i have always been fond of about Chi-town, if you don't know nothing else, you know when the seasons are changing..

too bad my life hasn't mirrored the Chicago seasons...everytime i look, it feels like i am in the dead of summer. sweat stained, arm pit reeking, clothing peeling, butt stuck to the plastic seat cover, 108 degree summer. it's something about sitting with your hair plastered to your head, curls long gone, t-shirt and your panties on trying to fan cool air from somewhere to provide you with momentary comfort... it's something to look at yourself in all of your glory, or lack thereof.

when you all dressed up fly to death, it's easy to hide behind the fluff..it ain't too much hiding you can do when your spiral curls stuck to your forehead and the dripping sweat burning your eyeballs.

i have realized that i have wasted a lot of my time and energy trying to fight the powers to be...trying to prove this and be that..for what? everything ain't worth battling over because in the end people still gonna think what they want and do as they please. i have learned that there are some people that are always going to be jerks no matter what day of the week it is....and seeing that i can only control me and that when i finally close my eyes it's only going to be me and the maker that i needed to start living my life in such a way that it wouldn't matter what anyone else was or wasn't doing because i was doing what i was supposed to be doing. it's simple but somewhere on this road we call life, i had forgotten that...i had got caught up in the madness of living for someone else rather than living for myself.

it's funny how the temperature began to drop as i began to recapture and redirect my life's energy. yup, the season is surely changing and it looks like my perpetual personal summer is about to experience a long overdue snow fall.

it feels good to be among the living again.

Sometimes it really is the small things

2008-12-15T20:14:00.002-06:00

so the other day i went to work around 3 am. yeah, i know, life sucks. i mean i didn't have to be there at 3 am, but considering that i only get paid for the hours i worked and that day i needed to be in B-more for a course on professional responsibility i had a decision to make: either suck it up and take an L for the work day or suck it up and get to work early to put in a couple of hours so my already scary looking pay check wouldn't cause me to go into cardiac arrest.

it was there at work that i discovered that one, i would have to go home and change..seems like i was supposed to be in business attire and two, i was going to have to cough up $65 bucks. life really sucked. it was bad enough that everybody in my wireless range had decided to finally "secure" their connection leaving me internetless for the last month. and well, massah was working me so much that i couldn't even manage to eat let alone surf the internet which was why i was just now finding out one and two.

so once in B-more i discovered that not only were they serious about the $65 bucks but that they were going to have me there all day and only feed me some month old donuts. wth!!! then these fools decide that they gonna treat us like we in highschool by keeping the attendance book closely guarded. not only did we have to sign in, but you guessed it, we had to sign out.. so i sat their from 8:30-1 something wondering how many times they were going to say congrats and if they really thought that by saying it so many times it would cause us to forget that they just took our $65 bucks and had us for the most part sitting in rooms talking about nothing... so not only wasn't i at work getting paid so that i could feed my child but i also was out of an additional $65 bucks..

well later that night my gas light came on and my child promptly notified me... i think he is afraid that i will make him push the car all by himself. so i pulled into the gas station and fished around until i found a twenty...looked at my child who ask, "is that all our money?" i just smiled at him as i calculated in my head if we were going to have enough to make it to my next pay day. i went inside the store and handed the man my $20 and went out to pump my gas. Half way through something strange happen, the gas cut off. I pushed a lil harder and it pumped a lil bit more and cut off again. I stared at the pump display in sheer confusion. I replaced the pump and went into the store and low and behold there waiting for me was CHANGE. i grabbed my money and ran to my car and burst into tears.. my child wanted to know what was wrong... and i told him:

"i just filled up the car for 16 bucks... look we have change!" and My child responded "yeah, we got change now we have money to buy something else...yeah, change."

i smiled all the way home...i couldn't remember the last time i had received change after pumping gas and the needle was past the F.

Because sometymes U gots to Vent for Otha folks

2008-12-13T16:34:00.002-06:00

what do you mean, this is the last time i am going to throw it in your face?
NEGRO~ i will not only throw it in your face, put it in your face, slap it across your face and stamp it on your forehead, i may even get a shirt made... You'se trifling cuz you married! I asked you not once, not twice and not even thrice...I asked you a gazillion times if you were married to the chick living in your basement and you said, "NO" so why was it that when we got a knock at our door at some 3 in the morning you run out of our house leaving your phone, only to call me talking about "i gots something to tell you... I got married after we started dating." what in the ham sandwich do you think i am supposed to do and say?
um, nope i ain't telling you were i am going in this freak 'em dress on or what time i will be back cuz NEGRO YOU'SE MARRIED AND I WASN'T THE ONE YOU PUT THE RING ON!

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now Negro, i was being nice to you the first time i let you live when you pissed in my bed while i way lying there.... i tried to tell myself that you were too drunk to know what you were doing.. even though it wasn't until i told you that i wasn't giving you none that you decided to whip your thang out and pee... and i do vaguely remember you saying that if i didn't give you none that you would pee on me..but i am gonna block that out and keep telling myself you were too drunk to control yourself...but now you trying to piss on my floor talking about you hate to do this...yeah well i hate to do this too but me grabbing your manhood and trying to rip it off is for your own good. see, if you don't have it not only won't you be able to piss on me, my floor or any of my belongings but you won't be able to continue cheating on me...which means that i won't reach my breaking point and reach over and break your neck sending me straight to jail without passing go... so yeah, i am trying to pull it off... aren't you trying to piss on my floor... and yeah i do know you are drunk but we can't keep giving you a free pass on that one...and another thing if you keep telling me how good the other girls are i am going to ask you which one was the best so i can know who to mail your stump to.... wouldn't want her to be to be disappointed ... just because you gonna have to do without it, doesn't mean she has too. YOU'SE SOME TRASH AND I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF...KICK ROCKS ELEPHANT TERDS!

***************************************

oh, i'm sorry, what was that... oh, you were wondering what was going on because you hadn't heard from me in a month... and you were going to do what? if you hadn't heard from me in the next couple of days you were going to call me...how sweet. negro puleeze... if you can't tell let me break it down for you...you are no longer the apple of my eye so that bull jabber you spitting about how you were concern about me, you know that crap that used to make me melt, yeah, OVER IT...so why don't you continue spitting that to your new sucker cuz i am done being a lollipop for a lil boy... i specialize in grown men, and last time i check, you ain't one. yeah i know i told you you were one, but i lied; you ain't nothing but a good imitation of a man. just because it taste like butter doesn't make it butter and just because you look, smell and feel like a man, you 're not.. let me let you in on a lil secret, when you used to care and when you really were concerned, you called..you didn't think about it, you were about it..you called every day and now a month goes by and you like um, if i don't hear from her in a couple more days i am going to call.. smells like somebody needs their diaper change cuz it's full of number two and since i am as grown as the old oak tree in your front yard, it must be you.. better go see your mama so she can change that for you.. BOUNCE SUCKA UR KIND AIN'T WELCOME IN THESE PARTS N E MORE!

*********************************

aww what's that? you miss your child...you just want to know why you can't see your child? well last time i checked we just got into a recession which means you may have an excuse for not financially contributing to his well being now but what was your excuse all the other years? what's that? i'm sorry i can't understand the words coming out of your mouth, my ears are only able to decipher these words " i am a sorry good for nothing negro" and until you say those words any and everything you say will fall on death ears... you can see him when you pay for him.. um, yeah it's a cost to be a parent and last time i checked your grand total was zero... kinda ironic, eh, your total equals what you are A ZERO! now, be a sport and move, you blocking my sunlight.

Next Time Imma Have to Pass

2008-12-09T18:44:00.002-06:00

so there's something wrong with me and the drs. are not quite sure what it is. so they gots me doing all kinds of tests and well i am sorta getting tired of being the human guinea pig. i am not stressed but i am overwhelmed. i just want to get this over already. tell me what i need to know. am i going to die? and if so, how much longer i gots to put up with all these idiotic people who keep trying to infringe on my happiness. i got a list of peeps i want to tell off right proper.. lol..

anyways a couple of weeks ago, i went to the doctor and he couldn't tell me if my kidneys were failing so he scheduled me for this new in and out surgical procedure..and well i was so in my feelings about him not being able to tell me what was wrong with me right then and there that i tuned him out about what he was going to do to me next.

big mistake

so friday i went and when i tell you that this was the most embarassing position i have yet to put myself in, believe it.. why was my twat in the air like it was some big screen. i got four peeps peering down into it while i got all these wires and whatnot coming from it and my rectum... believe me you when i tell you i was not a happy camper... i was sitting there looking at the dr like "forreal, is this what you had in mind? forreal?" and as if that wasn't bad enough, the grand finale just took it to another level. i had to sit on a toilet and pee...yes i said it. i had to pee for everybody in the room

now funny, i have had peeps pee while i am in the room, but typically they would be drunk so they wouldn't care and wouldn't even be aware that other people were in the room. i wasn't drunk. i am sitting there like "forreal, i gots to sit on this toilet and pee..for real? is this how all this is going to play out?"

i don't know about you but i am not too particular about letting people know that when i pee it sounds like the Hoover Dam has sprung a leak.. and then the lil nasty attitude nurse gonna come yank the wires and cords and whatnots out of me... "forreal is that how you gonna treat my body...just yank these things that are embedded in my uterus and my bladder and my anus and my whatever... just yank them right out?"

if i wasn't in so much pain and so disgusted with the entire thing i think i would have tried to beat somebody down. and to think i was feeling sorry that the previous patient had pissed on the doctor... i hope she got him good!

Tainted Love

2008-12-01T20:12:00.003-06:00

it's officially been a year since i have been trying to get you out of my system...it's funny because at first thought, i thought it had been just a year since i allowed you to enter into my life. time surely passes when you are keeping yourself busy with your muddled thoughts.

it's funny i remember the day i decided to pick up the phone and call you. i know it had been some months since we had chatted it up and well i was craving some attention, especially since bus driver had just went ghost. i remember calling you and detecting from the sound of your voice that you were not alone. you asked if you could call me back and i was like yeah... i was kinda heated and i didn't know why. it wasn't like i had taken you seriously and if the bus driver was somewhere to be found, i wouldn't even be punching your digits now.

i remember when you called back and some strange woman's name appeared on my caller i.d. and i was like wth? no, he didn't just call me from his girl phone. you called me about 5 more times that night and i refuse to answer. my pride wouldn't let me. the next day you called from your house phone and i picked up. you told me that you called me all night the night before...i had no clue to what you were speaking...you told me that you had the account switched to your mom's name so maybe that's why i didn't realized that you had called. i felt the egg matter tighten on my face just as it began to crack... i told you i would check the caller i.d. to see if anyone had called me but i doubted it..it was no way i was gonna let you know that i had in fact stared at the phone each time you called, calling you all kinds of names because of your boldness of calling me from a woman's phone...which now turns out to be your mama.

i remember how things just became a whirlwind...one minute we barely knew each other, the next, you were my best friend. just the sight of your face lifted my spirits now the thought of running into you makes me want to relocate. what a difference a year makes. i used to love you, so i thought. now as i ponder the nooks and cranny of what was our relationship, i am forced to address whether i loved you at all.

maybe i was just in love with the idea of being loved...not even in love. just being loved. being special to someone other than MY CHILD. so driven by that desire that it's taken me a year to see that you never really loved me because you never really gave yourself to me. you shared your dreams with me but not your fears. you shared your laughter but not your tears. you shared your body but not your soul.

love never fails when it's pure but that's all it does when it's tainted with deception, manipulation, selfishness, greed and lust. suddenly the perfect fit doesn't stick so well together

Knock Knock Knockin at my Door

2008-11-24T20:04:00.002-06:00

It's 4 am 'knock knock' 'knock knock knock' 'knock knock knock knock knock' 'a baby's cry'

What in the hamsandwich is going on? At the first knock, I became a lil apprehensive... I had been getting random 3 and 4 am knocks on my door right after my friend was brutally gunned down . And normally I didn't answer the door or go anywhere near it. I used to just stand in the floor real silent like daring somebody to bust through it. They would bang on my door for about five minutes and leave. As I heard the footsteps echoing farther and farther from my door, I would approach my door to listen to see if I could discern where they were heading...then I would hear a door shut. The next day, I would go around knocking on my neighbors' doors asking them if they had been knocking on my door at the crack of dawn. They would all say, "NO." So, you can understand my uneasiness to awaken to the banging on my door, yet again. However, this time I would approach the door while the knocking was still in progress because I heard a baby and I knew one of two things: 1. my friend was in trouble and needed a place to hide out or 2. her buffoon of a baby daddy was acting crazy YET AGAIN and had taken the baby.

I looked out the peephole and ding ding ding well take option number 2. "What do you want Moofasah?"

"Truthz, please, open the door."

"What do you want."

"T-C fighting me. She's gone mad. She's fighting me while I have the baby." Now the fact that this negro standing at my door let's me know she ain't gone mad enough because it would be no way he would be able to walk let alone talk if she had gone mad for real. This fool had put her through a lot of drama. He had recently been caught cheating on her and all he had to say to her was that if she put him out again then he would do again. Then he had the audacity to tell her how good the other woman was...so yeah, like I said, she hadn't gone mad. The baby was hollering and I just shook my head, thinking about the running joke that the baby only cries when he holds him.

I cracked my door and said," Give me the baby."

"but she--" the alcohol smell emitting from his breath was making me nauseous.

"Give me the Baby!" I firmly said as I grabbed the baby from his arms and slammed the door as he was still talking. The funny thing is, the instant I took the baby he stopped crying. I still have flashbacks about hurting Moofasah. This negro had held my child inches from a burning flame talking about he was going to burn him. He quickly learned that if you play with fire you will get burnt. He still don't understand why I did to him what I did. Don't ask me how my blade got to his neck and how my child got in my arms... I tend to black out during fits of rage.

so now that I had the baby I needed to make sure my friend was okay because, um Crazy had the baby and she wasn't on his heels. I called--no answer. I called again--no answer. I waited 20 minutes and called again and she picked up in tears. I asked her if she was okay because if not I had some decisions to make...some that might alter my now bright future. She said yeah that they were fighting. I asked her if she was hurt and she said 'no' so I told her to come down to my place. I was glad that she was fighting because that meant that she was finally feeling something besides just helplessness. You don't fight when you're totally defeated, you just take what comes at you.

So she came and talked and cried and well it's crazy what we as women are willing to put up with. I mean I was just talking to my cousin the day before about why is it that we as women have all this mouth and attitude with everyone else but when it comes to our men we are willing to accept whatever. All that mouth and attitude goes to the wayside. Why is that? I mean trust and believe, my mouth and attitude went into overdrive when I was in a relationship... I didn't let NOTHING slide...and well that proved to be a problem too. But I just wanted to go pick up T-C and shake her like a ragdoll...maybe she had something loose inside that needed to be shook back into place, but instead of shaking her, I simply asked: "Are you tired yet?"

"I don't know, I guess so."

I just shook my head and lent my ear because I knew in my heart she wasn't tired yet. Because when you're tired, when you good and tired, there's no guessing to be done. You know when you have had enough, when you are tired of crying, tired of wondering, tired of fighting, tired of staying up late nights, you know when you sick and tired of being sick and tired and she wasn't there yet. So, all I can do is open the door the next time I hear a knocking accompanied by a baby's cry.

No Money No Child

2008-11-22T22:01:00.002-06:00

So I spoke to Dirty the other day and well I must say I felt good all over... not because I talked to him, I could do without that...but because I can honestly say that he no longer has any hold on me.. no more power...no more anything.

So when he told me that he didn't like me...that he couldn't stand me...that he wouldn't say hate because it was such a strong word... that I always had something slick to say outta my mouth and that if I really knew him then I would know that he would pop me in it...HOLD UP...he would do what? yeah, right..

I simply laughed and said,"imagine that, you popping me in my mouth and living."

"see there you go...coming out the side of your mouth."

"sweetie, it's okay that you don't like me and even that you hate me...i don't care. i don't have any feelings for you... i don't hate you.. i don't dislike you. i'm indifferent. i made the mistake of making a child with you so i have to reap whatever it is that i have sown. so it doesn't bother me that you don't like me cuz u used to love me." yeah this last part was me, once again being slick outta my mouth. see, i don't do well with intimidation tactics...even if i was scared..which i wasn't.. Dirty was a punk that lived off dreams of somebody else's life... i had stole him once and would steal him again and well, i would have him put to sleep if he put his hands on me, end of discussion.

the problem with Dirty is he is so used to doing people Dirty and then having them forgive him only for him to go back and do it again. he ain't chumping me... yeah i forgave him and let all of his lying and stupidity go BUT that's the extent to it. he will not get my child to parade around like he's some showpiece when he had absolutely nothing to do with his upbringing besides putting the sperm in motion. HE will not take credit for all of my hardwork, sweat, blood and tears. HE will not and even if he paid me a red dime, he would not be able to take him out of my sight..or the sight of the sheriff or the court appointed person to hawk his every move.

"u supposed to have my back."

"dude, i did until i found out you were just flat out lying to everybody, including me." i could have said dude, like you had my back when you had me audited? like you have my back when i asked you for money so i could get my child school clothes when i wasn't working and you told me when you get to see him. Negro my child needs whether he sees you or not. He eats, sleeps and craps which means he requires, food, a bed and some tissue to wipe his butt...And dirty knows he ain't tossing nothing my way which leaves ME taking care of everything...someway..some how. I could see if we didn't plan the child but that's not the case. this ain't the case of which came first, the chicken or the egg. this is um a baby is coming and gonna need some things and well i am 50% responsible so let me try to do something so if she calls me a deadbeat i can say, 'uh-um...i bought him a McChicken or something.'

so today we met up with Dirty and the clan at CEC and he was like i want to apologize for the other day...shake my hand. i told him that's cool but i ain't shaking your hand. he was like well that mean you didn't accept my apology. i was like yeah but i ain't shaking your hand.. inside i was laughing.. see when you don't feed into stupidity...the one engaging in it will sooner or later see how stupid their actions were and well either act even more stupid to compensate for their stupidity or they will apologize.

and while it was good that he apologized, it wasn't necessary BECAUSE i had already received my greatest reward the moment i realized that slowly but surely i was shaking the DEVIL out of my life. i didn't have to engage in meaniless coversations with people whose sole purpose was to transfer their bitterness and unhappiness to me. i had finally learned the technique of sidestepping the BS while still accomplishing my goal.

and the apologies don't change that if you want to be the boss, you gots to pay the cost...not vice versa

Raining inside out

2008-11-19T19:11:00.002-06:00

Typically it takes a lot to knock me off my square...knock me off my block
It takes a lot to make me angry cuz you know only dogs get mad. (hmph)
But today I am bothered and a tad bit upset
But I am not quite sure I understand why.....
I mean nothing has changed, really. I mean Massah still tries to employ his Jedi Mind tricks to make me think that he is the best "boss" i have ever had even though he doesn't pay me. i'm sure Kunta's massah was better. And i still have on an average the same money or lack thereof in my pockets. My cupboard is still bare and my child's still a brat...but something is different within me... my soul is disturbed and I don't know why.

Maybe it's the fact that my toes keep clinching up into that paralyzed state and my hand keeps getting the numbing then tingling sensation.. and then there's that sharp pain that shoots through the back of my head ever so often, but often enough to make me fidget and speculate about what i need to hurry up and complete just in case this is the last hurrah.

I went to the doctor about my feet. i have a bunyon, a hammertoe and some mo' stuff the doctor rattled off after taking one glance at my most reliable transportation. i was like well, my balance is off...well, it's always been off which is why i wasn't allowed to carry MY CHILD down any stairs when he was a baby (cuz they knew i would have dropped him to save myself, yup it's a mean world out there, better me teach it to him than somebody else), but it's off more than ever. I fall just walking down the street. Okay, I fall when I am not even moving. And well it's starting to bug me so I wanted to see if they could give me one of those foot sling things to straighten my toe so i would stop falling and possibly get into a smaller shoe size. Well, the doctor took a closer look at my feet and asked me some more questions and was like he thinks i may need to see a neurologist and went on talking not knowing that my private thoughts had drown him out

what if i had waited too long ... i mean i had been charting my symptoms for a minute and well i knew it was something BUT i just didn't have the time to figure out what...and yeah i know there's only one me and that i am the sole provider for MY Child and blah blah blah..but sometimes you just can't make time because making time would have you sitting out on the street right beside your stuff.

but as the shooting pains and the spasms increases i have no choice but to make myself a priority and figure out what, why, and how long

this thing we call life sometimes sucks...but so does this thing call procrastination...and if i had found time in the no time that i had maybe things would not be so bad and maybe i wouldn't be so mad at myself for allowing things to get so out of hand...hmph

Can I get a do over?

2008-11-18T17:29:00.002-06:00

sometimes i ask myself why in the world did i want to be in charge of somebody else? why did i do this to myself. i love my child it's just that on MOST days, I DO NOT LIKE HIM! this thing whines for no reason at all...he can't tie his shoe...whine whine whine... he can't fix his toy...whine whine whine... he can't get his way...double whine whine whine. and well i am so fed up with all of his nonsense he betstobeglad I am trying to live my life according to God's purpose or I would have been toss his lil body into somebody's wall. He is an irksome lil thing. Then he wants to buck and the lil negro ain't even 6. why in the hamsandwich are his teachers calling me about his behavior? and when i asked him why he was misbehaving he gonna tell me maybe it's because he doesn't have a brain...um, yeah, let's try again... or when i asked why he was doing cartwheels in line when he was supposed to be standing in line...because they are fun to do... wth... i am just wondering, how many five year olds are gumming it becuase they got a slick mouth... well there's always a first time for everything..

yall need to pray for him.

Haters to the left of me Haters to the right

2008-11-17T18:55:00.002-06:00

my soul is so weighed down as late and it's not fair. this is the time that i should be living it up, that i should be 'two-stepping and cha' cha sliding' but instead i am praying that my brain doesn't explode.

why is it that some people hate no matter what. why is it that it hurts some people to the core when they see someone else getting something that they deserve for once in their life. why is it that people who have much don't want the poor to have nothing?

these are things i can't understand. i recently found out that i passed the BAR and by golly let me tell you, i am only relieved because it means that it will silence all the naysayers. i mean for any of my old followers, you know there have been days where i ain't had no food in my house to feed MY CHILD, that there has been days where I had to ride on E because the two dollars I had in my pocket was going to go toward something on the dollar menu to feed my child, that there have been days where every envelope in my mailbox was some type of neon color so when i tell you that i DESERVED to pass the BAR, i DESERVED to pass the BAR...if not for me, for MY CHILD, who shouted 'yeah, you passed the bar, we can get money, we can buy food.' do you know how that cut straight to my heart?

well Massah has been pimping me paying me half of what he should be paying me and he thinks that he is going to continue on... it's funny because on most days i feel sorry for him.. he's a grown man with no sense of direction, no sense of purpose besides pimping and exploiting people. so he tells me now that since i have passed the BAR he will up my salary to $20 bucks an hour... WTH, does he think my name is booboothefool, esquire? but instead of giving him my regularly does of niggaplease laughter i say,"that's around what you should be paying me now for all the work that i am doing... i can't keep struggling." and i can't. i deserve to have some me money left in a pay check. i deserve to buy myself something nice just for me like maybe that diamond tennis bracelet all the losers in my life promised to get me. and to date my arm still ain't blinging...i deserve to breathe with my head above water.

it's funny that there are always people behind your back staking a claim to your success and voicing why you should thank them for helping you get to where you are.

Here's a hint: if you gotta tell peeps what you did for them, 9 times out of 10, you ain't did jack smack.

so everybody feels that they should have been told first or told before this person and that person and the truth of the matter is...who cares what they think because forreal forreal i didn't have to tell anyone. just like i didn't tell anyone that for the last 2 1/2 months all we had in the fridge was some salad dressing and butter.

so i turn to my left and say, "hi haters," and i turn to my right and say,"hi haters."

Hate on haters cuz imma continue to do me and pretty soon that's gonna mean more than just surviving

Collateral Damage

2008-11-13T11:44:00.003-06:00

i love him so, but i have to let him go
i love him so, BUT i have to let him go
He's the best big little brother around...
But he's gots to go

my soul is so conflicted right now. it sucks when you have "to do the right thing" for somebody else. i have to cut ties with my play big brother because his BABY MAMA who has the common sense of a Pea thinks we are screwing. and yeah, it could be possible if I (1) found my brother remotely attractive (2) if my brother wasn't the brother of Safeway, you know, the love of my life who decided that what we had was perfect, but not perfect enough for him to committ to... you know cuz in the end we wanted something totally different, i wanted to be committed with some vows but didn't want anyone to know how i felt about him...and he wanted to be committed without any vows but wanted to let ever'body know I was his girl (yeah committment issues galore) and (3) if my brother didn't smoke and was about 4 inches taller and I found him remotely attractive. (don't get me wrong, he ain't ugly...he's cute but not my type of cute..)

so after talking to Safeway who JOKINGLY asked were we fooling around and basically stating that he could understand why MUSHBRAINS would think that something was going on and that basically when dealing with our Bruh, I needed to sometimes make decisions for him, because that was just the way things were, I called my brother and stated:

"Brother, I think it's best for us to go our separate ways, it seems that from talking to your brother that maybe we are giving the appearance that we are more than just sisters and brother, so it's best that we just not talk."

"Well, if that's what you feel...I understand...but you know you can still call me if you need anything."

"No, I can't call you. Thanks the problem. I am so used to calling you when something goes wrong with my car that I depend on you and well, if SillyGirl believes that we are doing something, and you are trying to get her back, it would be a huge gesture to show her just how sincere you are... because if she sees me as a threat, and we really ain't related...and ya'll relationship is supposed to be tight with nothing coming between it, and our relationship is coming between it, don't you think you need to elimate the rift by not talking to me to prove to her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get her back?"

"Yeah, I guess you are right. I love yah."

" I love you too, thanks for all the memories."

No this is how the convo would have went a couple of months ago when I was still totally living for myself. (cuz I am still working out the kinks)

"Bruh do you know your punk brother said that I need to stop talking to you cuz he could see how that Trick could think we fooling around. Wth. I don't care what nobody thinks. You betta check your girl befo' I check her. She is so freakin silly. ( yup, it would have been freakin cuz i don't cuss) I told you to stop calling me every night talking to me for hours. She probably checking your phone to see how many times a day you call me. What she think I'm doing brothers? not, that i did your brother, but, I'm saying. That boy is my heart. She is some type of fool. If I was you, I would just leave her alone. She some trash anyways. I could hook you up with Dot since you still feeling her."

"Yeah, do that do that. See if she would meet me at the motel off Southern ave. I know the manager...I could get a free room."

"You set up your own bootycalls, I will finally give her your number."

"love yah sis."

"love yah bruh."

I don't know how to tell you this, but niggah i quit

2008-11-12T21:11:00.003-06:00

you ever notice how the people not doing what they are supposed to be doing, how they are the most miserable people in the world? you know the ones beating on their mates, stealing from the church, robbing people, and just doing people dirty...those fools. Well my boss falls into that category and his days of trying to share his misery are numbered.

so my boss is pimping me BIG time.. i guess he ain't heard that the PIMPS were in a recession too, but he that laughs first often laughs alone...and this fool been laughing for a very long time. so long that he has failed to see that a new day has broke and honey I ain't Weezy and it doesn't make me or break me if i don't move on up

But, the reality is, it doesn't matter what i want to do in the long scheme of things cuz God has my back. So why he gots me doing all of his work and paying me less than minimum wage, his days of getting over like a fat cat is about to cease...oh, that's right, i'm getting experience.. is that right boo? well, please explain to my child how experience gonna feed him? please explain to me how experience gonna help me when i am too tired to get out of my bed. please explain to all the people why i really am so behind in my work., how i can't do my work and your work too.. please explain how it is that you have no many to pay me but flying outta the country every month?

Please explain to me why as Nov 7th got close you started trying to let up on your pimp hand? was it because you knew that your pimp juice was about to be thrown in your face? like i told you before and i will tell you again, them results don't make or break me because it's just a job, i have been who i have been for a very long time and it would be different if you paid me nothing and treated me better, but the fact that you treat me like i am less than what God made me...yeah I gots something for your behind

you see this right here...this four letter word next to the number 1258... this PASS? yeah nigga , that pass means I Quit!!!

oops, looks like here comes the next John, you better pucker up.

I got shotgun

2008-11-11T20:52:00.002-06:00

it's funny what will happen when you pull over and let God drive.
i have been through a lot over these last couple of years simply because i wanted to do things my way...well now that i have been BOOTED from the driver's seat, i can see things clearer now that the rain is gone... things are falling into place and it is still amazing me about how much power HE has... they kept telling me to give HIM something to bless and well i didn't really understand until now and i am so happy and sad at the same time.
Happy cuz things are going great and sad because it took me so long to get out of my way long enough so that happiness could shine on me...

today is a new day and change sure has come...the days were we eatn pork n beans and nothing else are about to be days of the past

my souls cries out

2008-11-09T20:13:00.002-06:00

what's a girl to do when she is raising (yeah i know it's rearing) a manchild...what's a girl to do, when she is doing it by her lonesome. what's a girl to do when all around her she sees what the others did who didn't have a clue. i don't know if they simply gave up or turned a blind eye...but i do know that it's too many manchilds running around like they're Xtras in Juice, or maybe it's Boyz in the Hood, or some other black gangsta movie that glorifies that the thugged out mess is the way to go...and yeah i like me an eduthug BUT an eduthug ain't slanging on the corners, or hanging out all night. an eduthug ain't killing his brother over some Nikes an eduthug got his head and the books knowing that can get his megadough.. an eduthug aint pointing no blue light and packing no gun.. what's a girl to do...do i pull a Beloved and do my time holding on to it was better by my hands than at the hands of the streets...what's a girl to do when she tucking in her lil man hoping and praying he lives to see 22.

One Moment, Please

2008-11-07T23:33:00.002-06:00

Is it just me, or is daylight savings kicking your butt too?
I am still trying to figure out how it is that I was the first one to arrive for my meeting last night, arriving an hour and a half early, and never made it inside?
I call myself taking a cat nap while I waited for my child to finish his food. I sometimes wonder about him. This boy was in the back seat trying to eat between the poppy or sesame (which ever seeds they put on hamburger buns) seeds ontop of his Checkers burger. I am watching thinking, 'this can't be my child, i mean i know i saw him come out my twat, even took pics as i pushed him out, but this can't be my child. maybe it was some alien abduction from inside the womb cuz this boy acted like he had a lifetime membership to the short yellow bus.' I mean when I was his age and was faced with his dilemna I would've done one of the following: scraped the seeds off, torn the part of the bread off with the seeds, or just taken off the top bun. NO WAY, NO HOW would I have sat there and tried to eat between the seeds and then get upset when I accidentally ate one. If I didn't know better, he was doing this mess to get out of doing homework...but I was tired anyways and seized the day and went to sleep.

The only problem was I woke up some 2 and half hours later with only about 20 minutes left in my meeting. My knee and ankles were swollen and my child had managed to twist his body into some type of contortion and fallen asleep. I was conflicted...should I go in or should I go home. My throbbing knee said go home cuz it was no way I was going to carry my child and he was knocked out.

Then today I got up and was still tired so tired in fact that I didn't realize that I was driving and my door wasn't all the way closed. It was until I turned the corner and my car inside light came on...but that was some 45 minutes after I was driving and it took me a moment to realize what was going on. Good thing I believe in buckling up when I'm riding cuz i would have been thrown from the car and My Child would have been trapped in his car seat in a runaway vehicle. I'm sure my interrogation with the po-pos would have went well.

"ma'am have you been drinking?"

"no sir, honest I haven't"

"are you on drugs?"

"nope, only get high on life."

"can you explain how you were thrown from your vehicle while your baby was inside?"

"it's that dang blasted daylight's savings it's got me all screwed up."

"please place your hands behind your back ..."

What's your boiling point

2008-11-04T19:53:00.002-06:00

so we all boil, but unlike water, it's not all the time at a 100 degrees.
i'm wondering what makes some go off with just a lil infraction, and well others,
it takes a whole hemping lot

like for me, his pissing on my bed while i was in it, on purpose, would have done it for me. i would have yanked, forget chopped his peter winer off and rolled back over and went to sleep. i wouldda called 911 for him behind in the morning when i was good and sure they wouldn't be able to reattach it.

or, his putting his hands on me the very first time...nevermind second or the third... i would have made a couple of phone calls and he would have been put in some dirt...

or cheating...i'm sorry, sleeping dogs have to lie in their own bag of fleas. i mean i know there are some slick characters out there that gots the game on lock and ain't slipping and well that's cool...cuz everything done in the dark comes to light and when the switch is flicked on...your lights will be put out along with your bags and bags and bags of belonging..even the ones i bought cuz last time i checked, you couldn't pawn no drawls.

but for me, i can and have tolerated mental abuse which, yes is just as bad and even worse than physical abuse. and i know a whole lot of peeps who can't take their man playing with their minds but will let him put his foot in her back whenever he please without ever thinking of leaving.

so what's your boiling point or what is it that you will absolutely not stand for....and why is that... and what are the things you are willing to work thru... just wondering

Do you eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeva?

2008-11-03T20:09:00.002-06:00

it's funny that a song can pen my thoughts so perfectly.
o Oct. 31st i resolved to let sleeping dogs lie and get on with my life
to accept things for what they are, adding nothing and taking nothing away
but it's so hard sometimes to just walk away from something without feeling a certain kinda way.
without wondering who's fault was it....if something could have, should have been done...or just done differently...and then you have to think if that was the case would you have been able to do what you could have or should have done...
were you too sensitive, too clingy, too affectionate, too flirty, too prudish
ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
were you too insensitve, too distant, too standoffish, not flirty enough, too loose
was something wrong with you...did you stink...were you too skinny, too tall, too fat? , too short...was your hair too long were your nails too short. did your snorting become too much to handle? was it something you said or didn't say? and sadly, the list goes on and on
and i wonder why can't it be that it just didn't work out...that it just couldn't be because you were too different to try and become similar.
but even as i ask this question i am wondering, is he wondering about me? is he thinking about me? does he ever wonder about me? about how i feel and what's going on with me?
but why should it even matter? we aren't together so why should he?

Is it that I am getting old or is really just trash

2008-11-01T20:38:00.002-05:00

So I went to the FSO (for sistas only) and I feel like my $15 were stolen from me
I mean I just wasn't feeling it...the booths were mediocre to say the least
the food was expensive and well the vibe just wasn't for me
I take it that for most people they got their money's worth from the free concert
BUT, seeing that I left before Raheem DeVaughn performed I still feel like I was held up
i mean the dude who song Diamond Guy was aiight even though he was lipsyncing.. but the teenie boppers were too excited to realize this.. then there was some child who CD about to drop and I'm thinking if she was coming out when I grew up it would be dropped into a hole
then Terrence Howard graced the stage and was thoroughly booed (he is so sexy in a suit) simply because he wasn't telling them to shake it fast, watch their self ( now this my jam, but you know what I mean) but as soon as Souljah Boy got out there they went wild and i was like fo' real...and i'm like yeah marco polo marco polo..um buy your cd um not even from the bootleg man. i mean yeah you have catchy tunes that the kids get hype over but believe me you, they ain't gonna buy it next year unless you making similar nonsense. how i know? cuz when you tried to play your new stuff they just look at you like you had grown another ear..and then you have a song with the lyrics "what's up with your p*****" wth! r u forrrrreal? TRASH I SAY.

now granted when i was coming up the older peeps used to say the same thing BUT TRUST N BELIEVE NEW EDITION sells out every time they come... b2m still gets the party rocking so does BBD...put on some POISON and see what happens.. Tribe hmph... Dougie F...what? Erik B and 'KEM... i mean please we talking classic and these new cats drastically need some talent. so i think i had really lost it when SJB started singing his song about shooting a gun and i watched all of the lil kids (xcept mine) emulate him...i was like forreal.. and parents there encouraging they kids to shoot them... mine saying "we don't play with guns...guns bad...they will hurt you" and i'm like i guess i will let hiim live another day...he listens sometimes...

and well when the GO-GO came on, i knew it was time for me to get get... i really wanted to stay to see Raheem cuz he would have made it worth my time especially if he song love drug...but lia sophia was waiting for me but i just kept shaking my head wondering what was the future gonna bring cuz i don't think it can get any worse than this...

but what do i know,i'm just an old head

That's Just The Way that it goes...Everything is gonna b alright

2008-10-31T23:14:00.002-05:00

i have this problem that some see so crystal clear, but it wasn't that i didn't see it, it's just that i looked over it. i wasn't ready to confront it...i wasn't ready to own it..i just wasn't ready to do anything with it BUT now i am, okay maybe i'm not, but that's not the point because if it was left up to me, i would NEVER be ready. i would keep procrastinating, just putting it off and off and off until it became one of those character traits that is often referenced as "that's just the way she/he is."

i have abandonment issues which has turned into letting go issues. you see how that works? i am afraid of being abandoned so i have a hard time letting go. see i have confronted it, right? so that should be the hard part BUT, i'm thinking not.

i don't really know why i have abandonment issues. i mean i have been a motherless fatherless child since i can remember. and i just would prefer for them to leave me alone. so why is it i get so distorted when someone in my life needs to be let go... especially the ones that are TOXIC?

and no, it's not that i don't feel like i can't get another one cuz i'se fine like a dated wine
and it's not like i don't have enough friends to keep the lost of one from making me think the world's about to end so what is it?

i'm not sure.
but i do know i have this annoying habit of clinging when in my heart i want to keep them in their groins and tell them to kick rocks barefooted. i know that i have to go through the motions and then some more ritualistic motions before i can accept that the relationship is official done. (be it platonic or romantic) and this is regardless of who has initiated the going of separate ways.
but i don't know why... and i don't know how to change it.

i mean i have been the heartless chick and i have been the loving chick...i just want some nice medium where if we good that i'm good but if we no longer good than i am still good. that i don't have to sit and mope waiting for something to change especial when i know that no matter what changes, our situation will still be the same.

so i will have to do more reflection and more listening to songs that tells me it's alright...that somoe people stay and some people go that's just the way that it go...e'erthing gonna b alright.

Clarity

2008-10-28T20:45:00.001-05:00

i liked it better when the smoke clouded the mirror
and the reflection was distorted
from the steam rising from my flesh
and the precipitation dripping off the wal
li liked the fun house mirror
making you seem tall
disguising the shortsightedness
triggering selective amnesia
calming my storm
but the trees have separated
from the forest
and i realize,i never knew you at all

But I loved you

2008-04-27T23:41:00.002-05:00

I am broken beyond compare,
I knew I shouldn't have used it..
But it was so darn tempting...
I mean what could it hurt,
It was just four digits
Four digits that were worthless,
Yet, held so much power
Four digits that held secrets
Of what's done at the midnight hour
I knew it was wrong
And I have no justification for my action
And as my heart sank deeper
The reality set in,
No use in denying it now
I heard "your girl"
And all I could utter was...
But I loved you

Me and Bobby Brown meet Keisha Coles

2008-04-24T20:12:00.002-05:00

Family drama, gotta luv it.
You ever knew a family that from the outside they look like they crap don't stink and that their roses smell like tulips? I mean in church they sit in the first row and catch the spirit or they spike a fever and have seizures right at the climax of the preacher's word. Do you know the family. The family that's always giving to the needy and on every community service board in the neighborhood... well, I am here to tell yah, that if you know a family like that, and it's looking like the grass is greener on the other side well in the words of Tom "DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!"

They crap stink worse than yours!

My girl had a meeting with her family because their drama was making her sick. They walked around passing judgment on people like they were the ones designated to sit on God's right side... i mean she just felt her energy being zapped whenever she was around them...all they did was have "conversation" about other people...about what they weren't doing or who they were doing and why they needed to pray more, or save more , or do more. They helped people then turned around and talked about them... oh they used me cuz they ate four plates of food. well dang, didn't you just tell them to eat all they wanted cuz you had plenty more and all you do is throw it all away cuz your family don't eat leftovers? i mean and didn't they just disclose to you that they only been eating oodles and noodles for the last month? They bought gifts then got offended if the people didn't thank them for that gift everytime they met. wth. the best gift is the one you forget you gave.

well, anywho, so my girl had a meeting and all the skeletons started leaping out the closets and busting out their premature graves and instead of people accepting accountability for their actions, they hit their selective amnesia button and played dumb.. or maybe it wasn't an act.
So after the back and forths and the neck swaying and the finger rolling, the family parted, going their separate ways, missing the opportunity to really bond as a family because they were too worried about who could overhear the fact that they weren't as on point as they put out to be, or they were too shock to discover that the words they said in the dark had found the light...or maybe they were mad that someone finally had the audacity to pull their card... who knows

All I know is this, we need to stop faking the funk! Last time I checked, noone was perfect, and the sooner we get this through our head, the faster we can make forward progress. We need to stop putting on pretensions and fronts and making other people feel bad because we all got something to work on. If more people embraced whatever it was that life dealt them, like Keisha and Whitney, we would have a lot more people tending to their own lawns versus looking over the fence..

just my rant!

Eight Years Ago, I Died And Went To Hell, Today, I Am In HEAVEN

2008-04-24T19:49:00.002-05:00

It's funny cuz I am sitting here and for the first time in 8 years, I am happy to be sitting here. The seven other times, I secretly wished that I had died. I was soooooooooooo tired of the struggle, of the fight, of the pain, of the sorrow, of the confusion, of the secret depression, I was tired of life. I gave it the ole heave ho' try, but it just wasn't working, not for me at least.

I would find myself in a rut, no more like a sink hole, and I would dig myself out...I would slip and slide and take rests and sometimes it seemed as I if I hadn't moved at all, but eventually, I would get to the top, only to take three to four steps and find myself in another hole. I was beyond "man oomph that" I was to the point where I was charting my family line to see if Job was my great great great great great uncle or something.

I mean don't get me wrong, I had made great strides. I had did something that I had avoided doing for a very long time, I stared at the woman in the mirror without averting my eyes and I really saw me for the first time in a very long time. I confronted a lot of my fears and disappointments head on. I learn how to SAY what I needed to say with an open heart...even when my hands were shaking and my eyes were closing...even with tears streaking down my face I SAID WHAT I NEEDED TO SAY.

I loved and lost the one I loved, but I learned that I am not that damaged that I am undeserving of love or forgiveness for that matter. I learned to let go... my issues, my insecurities, my broken promises and dreams, my disappointments, and even baggage that I had been holding on for long that I felt naked without.

I had to let my girls go...they are doing just fine without me and my Grandbaby turned a year a month ago, so it goes to show yah that we aren't as important as we think we are in someone else making it. I learned to love from a distance...cuz they will always be my girls but I CAN'T and will not deal with anyone else's drama consuming my and MY CHILD's life.. and Dirty, well, I still check the obituaries weekly to see if I can go collect on MY Child's behalf.

I have learned to step out of my own way so my blessings can flow. I realized that the cycles that keep repeating themselves in my life was a direct result of my ability to recognize that I was not in control and that I needed to get back right with the ONE who was holding me down...cuz even though we were eating five fries and one chicken wing, we was still eating that meal in the comforts of our home.

And even though the IRS still hunting me down, and my Food Stamps still cut off, I still have a smile...and it's so real... it's funny how different the same situation looks when you have God in your life.....

So even though today is a very bittersweet day for me cuz it's the day my 1st child died, I am happy to be alive... I am so happy for the opportunity to come full circle with loving myself and allowing others the opportunity to love me too.

sum tymes I wanna cry, but lately all I do is smile

i'm drowning!!!!!!

2008-01-14T17:52:00.000-06:00

i hate my life.. have you ever felt like that? everything is aggravating me...the sound of my child's voice, aggravates me... the fact that Ol faithful has finally moved on after waiting for me to come around after all of these years, aggravates me ( not that i want him, cuz i don't but because he was my joker that i was saving for a rainy day...you know if it ever became apparent that i wasn't going to find anyone else to worship the ground i walked on) well i am just so tired of being stagnant and tired of finding out when i thought i was moving in a straight line, finally making some progress that i was really just going in a circle just a different circle from before.

so my child's teacher wants to know why he doesn't have all black or brown shoes...i was like, my child told me you asked him this already and he told you that his mommy didn't have any money...she was like yeah, he did...and i'm like well wth is your problem then, you already know why he ain't got no black or brown shoes...cuz i ain't gots no money... so do whatever you need to do..if that means he has to sit in the principal office until i come pick him up some 6 hours later...so be it.

then my car... i hate the fact that i don't know the engine from the brake..i hate being put in positions where i can be taken advantage of....and well since my head gasket blew new year's eve and the piston was already knocking, i had no choice but to spend my bar/mortgage money to get a new engine...and the reason being was that this getting up at five in the morning to chase the bus with my child to get him to school on time and me only 45 minutes late, well it's for the birds. the waiting for a bus that may or may not show up on time is for the birds...and well i am just tired of paying 10 bucks a day to metro...

i am tired of my child opening the fridge and saying mommy we have no food...i am so tired of being that duck on the still pond. i am ready to soar with the eagles....but it's hard to soar when you have clipped wings

URG!!!!

So they say

2007-12-11T18:36:00.001-06:00

they say it's someone for everyone, even a wretch like me
they say it's someone for everyone, and if it's fate it means it was meant to be
they say it's someone for everyone, and i didn't believe it until i met thee

you took my breath away even though noone would have known i was about to suffocate
because i kept my cool cuz the last thing i wanted was to get all nervous with
sweaty palms and knots and ties or even butterflies in my stomach

you wanted to slow walk me and i wanted to techno dance,
i didn't have time to chacha slide or cupid shuffle cuz
i wanted to percolate and b-boy dance
i danced circles around you while you kept the beat to your waltz
i laughed and made fun of your laid back country ways
you laughed too, even when i called you lame

but then i guess enough was enough and you threw in your pieces to the game
you were tired of my running man getting in the way of your bop
who needed a broke primadonna when u could have someone who was okay with self
so you had the last laugh when you sent me to be by myself

i stood on the sidelines hoping you would ask me to cut in
When that didn't happen, i thought maybe he's saving my dance for the end
Saving the best for last, yeah that's what you'll do
At least I hoped you would save the last dance for me so I could show you
that I could keep the beat to your waltz and that i could new jersey hustle and even bootay call
i just wanted you to look my way and give me that melting smile
but instead when the music ended, you hadn't asked me back to dance
you just passed right by me, as if i wasn't even there

there say there is someone for everyone, even a superhero like me
they say there is someone for everyone, just wait and see
they say there is someone for everyone,
but what happens when your someone goes off with someone else

This is Me

2007-12-11T18:29:00.002-06:00

After 30 years I can finally say, this is me, take it or leave it, come hell or high waters, this is who i am going to be until I decide that I need to make some adjustments. So you changing me, naw, I doubt that is going to happen, unless I evaluate the situation after your speculations, and determine that yes, indeed, there i some room for improvement.
Am I perfect, far from it, but so are you, so how can imperfection perfect the same as them? they can't...that's why my motto is, "I can only control me and my actions, and I have enough sins that I need to atone for to be worrying about what's going on in someone else's house."
But that doesn't mean we can't learn, adapt, and change from what others have to offer. Accepting new information doesn't change the essence of what makes me, me

when an angel breaks your heart

2007-12-11T18:29:00.001-06:00

what do you do when it feels like it was sent from above, feeling better than sliced bread coming straight out the oven soaked in melted butter? what do you do when that love you had been looking for, praying for, turns around and walks out the door? what do you do when you have gone through every scenario, forward and backwards and forward again? what do you do when all the begging, pleading, crying, sighing, manipulating, hating still doesn't make them give in? what do you do when every time you are with them, your heart is missing beats only to flatline when their phone rings and they silence it or walk to the corner to take it? what do you do when you realize that the person you love so much that you would share a cardboard box with on a cold, windy day is simply "just not that into you." well, there is nothing for you to do but to pick up the pieces and move on because when your hearts get broken by an angel, there lies no fault. there's nothing like cheating, sneaking, lying, stealing,dealing involved in the equation, nothing that you can fixate your mind on to prove you were better off without the person because they were scum to begin with. so when an angel breaks your heart, you simply have to pray that another comes to fill the empty space left behind

Are you the one?

2007-12-11T18:27:00.000-06:00

Are you the one that is going to make me forget all about him? Are you the one that is going come running in on the wind? Are you the one that is going to rub my feet and massage my back when I am PMSing again? Are you the one that is going to leave his mama and stand by my side? Are you the one that is going to be my lover as well as my best friend? Are you the one who is secure enough to do his part and lead even if I am making more dividends? Are you the one who like Calgon has come to take me away? Well, if you are the one here is a list of my demands:
love God more than you do yourself
be my friend not just my man
respect me
love and cherish me everyday cuz another day is not guaranteed
ask do not assume, communication is not only the key but a big part of a strong foundation
make me feel important not just by your words but by your actions
forgive me (i am imperfect and used to getting what i want when i want because i have been supplying my own needs, so why would i have patience and not act like a brat?)
have faith that love can conquer all things.

The Constipation of 7

2007-11-25T20:20:00.000-06:00

how do i define myself, better yet, how do i define my success? questions that we can easily sidestep or answer half-heartedly simply because most of us will never be faced with a situation that utimately can make or break us...or maybe we do, and we just water down the situation to the point that regardless of the outcome, it doesn't affect us because we have already numbed our senses.

well, i had been constipated for several weeks and i didn't know why seeing how i was barely intaking food because of the discomfort of being constipated and also because of how uneasy my stomach would get after i loaded food into it. then i missed my cycle and my face started breaking out and my hair started falling out and things were getting really weird with my guy who really wasn't my guy....

then i decided that i would stopped bypassing the mail and just face the music...but this was only after i stopped ignoring the fact that me and the guy needed to have a talk because it felt as if he was trying to run away and didn't quite know how to make his exit...so after asking him if there was anything he needed to say and he hemmmed and hawed and sighed and tried his best to be diplomatic about it, he finally said what he needed to say which was, this still wasn't working for him because it still felt like a relationship and he didn't want to be in a relationship because he needed to focus on him...which unexpectedly didn't phase me, meaning it didn't make me cry, it didn't make me want to go gay, or want to make me want to slash his tires or key his car :} it just made me think about an email i had received earlier in the week that stated woman hear things and then ignore what they hear if it's not what they wanted to hear... guy had told me he didn't want to be in a relationship and I thought i was special and that I could trick him into wanting to be in one...but some months later, we were back to him concluding what he already knew in the beginning which was that he didn't want to be in a relationship...

so with one situation out of the way i decided to face them all...now i knew i wasn't pregnant even though i was about two weeks late, i knew that my body was reacting to the high level of stress it was under. i was working two jobs and getting only 2hrs of sleep and still wasn't making enough money to stay afloat, my child was acting out in school and that was having a huge impact on me because, well, he didn't ask to be here so it wasn't fair to make him suffer and then there was the fact that my board scores were probably sitting in my mail box and i hadn't decided how i was going to feel whether i had passed or failed.

since i had been farting around long enough, i decided to just open the envelope and deal with it. and there facing me was the words, we are sad to inform you that you were unsuccessful in achieving your goal...and there staring at me was my score, just 7 points short of passing. and i laughed... i don't know if it was because i had finally snapped and needed to be placed in a padded room or what....and as i was laughing, my stomach gave a gurgle letting me know i better make a dash for the bathroom or i really was going to be faced with a crappy situation...and later that night as i was lying in bed, thinking of all the fun times i had with the guy, i felt my luv come down, but something about the way the wetness stuck to my panties let me know that my lil' friend had returned.

that night, i closed my eyes just as the single tear was seeping from the corner of my right eye, i was coming to realize that i could do anything i wanted to when i put my mind to it...had i studied more than 2 and 1/2 weeks, who knows what would have happened. but for now, i was just glad to be able to make a bowel movement

Did Vick get Dicked?

2007-08-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

After reading this article, it makes me think that he did, at least by his dad. I'm not sure what to say about "his boys" that rolled on him. Actually, to be honest, I am sick of the whole thing. I don't see what the big problem is..... and to be honest, I really don't care.

The people in this world make my stomach curl at the fact that they care more about a mutt's life than man. I am still baffled at the fact that more money was raised in the beginning to get the animals out of New Orleans, and they were moved out of New Orleans, way before the people were moved out of the SuperDome.. does that make sense? Does it make sense that lil' babies and old people lost their lives while the government and the people with money fiddled around with the lint in their pockets trying to see if that Negro's life was worth saving while the buckets were overflowing to get them dang ol animals out....ironic thing was, most of their owners, and caretakers were living in their own filth in the SuperDome, so who was gonna care for them... who were the people saving them for?

Now as for Mike, did he do? Probably... but would these negros would have rolled on him if he had paid them... probably not. and the thing is... he probably payrolled it, but I really don't see how he could have been that active in the whole fighting dogs process seeing that he was running up and down on someone's football field. Question, why are they treating him worse than they treated his brother who as some of you all remember drove around pointing a gun at people after being ejected from his final game... didn't the NFL still allow him to play? PACMAN who is my dawg simply because he was a BEAR was implicated in several murders and shootings and what????? not only was he allowed to play and it wasn't that much media hooplah around him BUT the judge altered his sentence to allow him to play in the SUPERBOWL. what's the difference, is it because he wasn't the HNIC and VICK is?

Don't know, but it's the same questions I ask when I hear people talking about R. yah, know which R. are they going after him because what he did was wrong or becuase he is a HNIC when it comes to music.

The ref that bet on the games...did they parade him through the media? H2TN...i had to get updates about him from yahoo and msn. I mean wasn't the league outraged that we have proof that some of them awful calls are done on purpose because someone's trying to fix the game?

To Vick's daddy... cuz yah know he ain't got nothing better to do... I'm sure he trying to get his hands on someone who will let him do a tell all book... you are really ignorant.. get up and get a job cuz if I was Vick after the way you DICKED him, not only wouldn't I pay your rent or talk to you... I would sue you for libel and pay my mama to testify and say that everything you said was a lie.... and I bet you wonder why he don't talk to you... you worse than the co-defendants..with family like you, who needs enemies or the CIA or FBI cuz you gonna spill it for the mighty mighty dollar...

that's it for naw.
Truthz

Defining growth by myspace

2007-08-17T14:32:00.000-05:00

i had a convo with a mutual acquaintance and they said something that made some things in my life just fall into place...

"sometimes you have to let go of who you were in order for you to become who you are"

it's weird because just looking at it, it kinda looks silly and sound silly but it was the answer that i was looking for, and the funny thing was, he wasn't even talking about me.

does letting go of who you were make you a sell-out? i wonder, and maybe that is why i just can't let the hood in me die. i was watching Baldwin Hills the other day, for the first time, and i felt embarassed for Staci... the hood gurl intermingling with the rich crowd. that's how i feel a lot, that i am the hood girl in the rich man's world. the episode i saw was when it was that skank "GER" somebody's bday and she had a party and Staci was like "this a party, why yall just sittin her... get up and dance...followed by a bunch of cuss words." then Staci proceeded to get the party crunk by giving a lap dance to one of the guest. well it was at that point that i was praying that Staci was drunk because she was making a plum fool of herself. See it's one thing to rep where u from and another thing to enforce the negativity associated with where you are from. Staci was dressed in her "hood" club gear, now in my opinion, she was lookn fly, looking exactly how people dress when they go clubbing, but looking around at all the high class black folks in the room, she wasn't dressed appropriately because these negros had on suits and ties and cocktail dresses on like they were at a homecoming dance and what nots. then the fact she started regulating a party that was not for her, well it just made her look like she had no home training. The sad thing about the entire situation is that I think Staci was acting that way because she felt out of place. I think she felt that if she didn't go in there and act "hood" that she would be faking about who she was... i think she was worried about her homies thinking she was a sell-out.

now, i don't think that by letting go of who i was will make me a sell-out as much as i fear that i may become disenchanted like those before me that have let go... become disillusioned and disconnected with the people who made me who i am today. i have a responsibility to lift as i rise and i cannot do that if those that i am trying to lift believe that i have left them behind...therefore, i have to find a balance of letting go who i was and who i now see when i stare in the mirror

one luv,

truthz

I don't like killing africans

2007-08-08T16:49:00.000-05:00

why, oh whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....... i'm just everyday people...however if people keep trying me, i'm probably going to be a locked up person. when do you walk away from protecting your pride? when do you say enough is enough and i will not fight over this mess? i'm just wondering because there are things that i will not fight over (physically) i will not fight over a man or a woman for that matter. (no homo) i will not fight for someone who was wrong and is getting what they deserve, meaning: if your talking crap got you in a situation then i will not help you... but your crap talking about to get you jumped, then yeah, depending on who you are, i gots your back... I will fight for MY CHILD... i will fight man, woman, child, or beast. related and non-related.

so there is drama a brewing all because i asked My Child's father for some money so i can buy MY Child some school clothes and everything hit the fan... how could i ask him when i have never needed anything from him before? does that make sense? naw, i didn't think so... so to make a long story short his sistah the one that the twins was living with called me and jumped way out of her lane and asked how i could ask him for some money and why would i tell him that i call the twin's baby my grandson... well being me i told her basically it was none of her bizness and to stay in her lane. so she got mad and told her sistah who told me she will fight me over her sistah and i told her to do what she do... she told me she got off at 2pm and i told her she knew where i lived... see the thing is, her sistah told her thinking i would chump up and what not when she approached me, but last time i checked, i wasn't scared to walk the ickies by myself at 2 in the morning, i wasn't scared to walk racist oaklawn by myself, i wasn't scared to stand up to Hitler, and i shole ain't scared of some welfare fraud queen. now, i ain't saying i am the baddest, but i have been known to hold my own and be resourceful... thing is, she ain't worth my time...

but, if she touch me i will have kill me an african....... why lord do people have to test me?

And I take a bow

2007-08-03T01:42:00.000-05:00

so i took the BAR. and yah know what? regardless of what that piece of paper says in Nov, i am happy. i did something that deep down i think i was afraid to do. i relied on my own judgment and studied by myself, without taking any BAR prep classes, partly because i had to use all of my BAR loan money to get caught up on all of my overdue bills and to buy food and because i just didn't want to take a class. and you know what, if i had to do it all over again, i would do the same.

it's been seven years yall and FINALLY, i am catching glimpses of my old self and i am liking it. i am loving it. i've been thru so much and deserve to have some happiness...some sunshine shining on my face and i am getting it. maybe not in huge doses, but i will take what i can get .

"life's ups and down, they come and go...."

it's funny when you are growing up, you have all of these hopes and dreams and expectations of how things are going to turn out and what you want out of life, but when you finally get grown, you realize that dreams are what helps you make it thru the day and not necessarily things that will come true. and what you want may not be what's best for you... and that in the end, everyone has to just live their lives the best way they can

i just want to be happy and to be surrounded by love... is that too much to ask for?

I gotta do me

2007-07-03T01:09:00.000-05:00

so the big day is coming and i am not prepared. why? because i have been procrastinating and because i think i am afraid. it's like the T.I. vs. T.I.P. i know who i am and also who i now have to become and i am not sure i am ready to let go. i have commitment issues which is why i a m constantly deactivating my facebook page and why i delete friends off myspace only to add them back.

yeah i don't want to let go because i am afraid of who i will leave behind. success changes people and sometimes it changes those around you. it has been my experience that those around me change, they get distant as if now they don't feel i am good enough to be around them, or that they aren't good enough to be around me... all this baffles me because i am who i am and that's this down for the people hood when i need to be chick. and i am so tired of losing people that i would rather just stand here and not do anything so as to keep everything the same...Yeah Koolbreeze, i know go do the dang thing and forget about abt the madness.

well my test is july 24 and 25 please root me on... i won't need food stamps after this. please be happy for me and please still read my blog because i am still going to need free therapy... so i will see you in august after i have knocked a home run to center field

Big things are a poppin
Truthz

So I almost died and was almost stranded in the same night, dang

2007-07-01T07:22:00.000-05:00

Pic is always telling me that i just didn't give Ty a fair shot that he was sweet, and all that, and i didn't work hard enuf to preserve our relationship. and though i know in my heart of hearts that it would never work out for many, many, many reasons, i am never ever to articulate one good enuf to satisfy the extremely critical Pic... well maybe the fact that he almost killed me will appease her enuf for her to finally let dead dogs lie.

I mean i am conflicted... can i be mad at someone who went outta there way to help me drive some 700 miles, give or take, to drop MY Child off so i can get serious about studying, simply because they were too pig-headed to say, "yo, i need a break, can you take the wheel?" or to say, "yeah you right, i should let you take over." and not: "I guess i should slow down" as i am reaching for the wheel with both hands, screaming and praying that i can help guide the car back onto the road without hitting any of them big semis or cars before we hit the guard rail and possible flip over and fly over the side of the freakin mountain!!!!!!!

Did my life flash in front of me: hell to the naw.... only thing flashing were the headlights of the trucks that had slowed down behind us who were also honking trying to get our attention to let us know we abt to be goners. all i could think as i woke up to the sound of the tires going across the rumble strips was "at least My CHILD ain't in the car" i mean there wasn't much else for me to think as i was screaming Ty's name while simultaneously reaching for the wheel with both hands.... i didn't even realize i had the steering wheel until i had guided the car away from the guard rail and the long drop to ?????? back onto the three lane turnpike. i wanted to pimp slap Ty, but instead, i chilled. I asked him what happen ,did he fall asleep... and he was like, "naw, i just blink my eyes for a second, i don't know what happened, i guess i was going to fast." naw, sucka you were sleep cuz when i looked at the dash board we were speeding at a high rate of 35 in a 65 mile zone and not to mention that was way slower than the 120 he was trying to do with MY CHILD in the car ( you know i put a stop to that madness) and what kinda blinking you doing that you not aware that you have crossed over two lanes and feena go off the edge? wth?

Needless to say, my tired behind who had been operating on 3 hours of sleep for the last 48 hours was no longer sleepy. and even though i had just driven for 9 hours, i was willing to take the wheel again if that meant i was going to get home safely. but naw, Ty claims he gots it so i just fall back and pray and give thanks to God that He allowed me to wake up before it was too late... next thing i know we going about 40 miles/hr and i don't know why. I'm not sure about him, but i ain't trying to prolong our trip... i mean we had been on the road already for some 17 hours and i was ready to put my funky self in the shower... so i ask what's up? and Ty mumbles, "we need gas" WTH..... how do you drive with the gas light on and not stop and get gas especially seeing the sign we had just passed said next rest stop was 24 miles away....wth... i hoped he knew that he would have been walking them 24 miles by his lonesome... first you try to kill me now you trying to have me stranded on a dark road on the side of a mountain... is you crazy? well good thing for us we had to get on another road which had a gas station right there...

so i didn't die and i didn't get stranded....and Pic we ain't getting back together cuz i can't be with someone who does not value my life or my safety...

The green-eyed monster has resurfaced again

2007-06-26T21:06:00.000-05:00

Before i talk about that boogie man that comes out right when i am trying to become secure in a new comfort zone i want to say this..

The two JH's did their thing on the BET awards... but Jennifer Hudson (chi-town) blew Ms. Holliday outta the water, all that talkn smack for what? I mean she did her thang too but Ms. Hudson sounded better than she did on dream girls, i mean on one note she came from her toes to her head back down to her toes and stopped at the pit of her soul... and T.I. well that boi knows he soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dang ol tasty looking.

so the boogie mans comes out and sabotages things and i don't know how to control it... i don't know why i get jealous and a lot of times it be over stupid stuff. i mean i am so tired of being in my feelings over mole hills. but i am not quite sure how to be comfortable in the space that i occupy in other people lives. i mean how do you feel okay if your space doesn't appear to be secure? one day you at the top of their totem pole, they calling you when they need to make all the important decisons then next you are hearing about all the important decisions they have made... you go from being number one to not even existing.....

maybe it's because i have had to fight for so much in life that everything has become a competition for me "to stay on top" it's almost like a sickness. fighting for the spotlight.... i don't like being jealous ... it sort of sneaks up me and before i know it i'm off my square, now it's time for me to slaughter the boogie man cuz i am not really a fan of green eyes.

The bitterness justice has left

2007-06-25T23:51:00.000-05:00

it's no doubt that the world we live in is outta control. but what happens when the systems put in place to protect us fail time and time again...esp if you are a minority. is the double standard ever going to end. i have a lot on my mind, like wth am i doing? do i really want to go and fight a losing fight being a lawyer? do i really want to deal with telling a client that the only justice they will be afforded is no justice at all, to cop to some time because in the long run that will be their best bet?

i can't accept that....not now, not never. if justice is blind, how is it that it knows when to be racist? is it our vernacular? the way we walk or the way we smell? i mean really, can't no one tell me that if the dude locked up in Georgia for having consentual oral sex with a 14yr older when he was 16 was white or if the girl had been black that he would be sitting in someone's jail house right now... this dude was originally given like 35 years for getting his little weed whacker serviced... now they don't even punish real rapist this harshly.

no one would be able to tell me that if the black cop in Ohio was accused of killing a black pregnant lady that his bail would have been set at 5 million... was Scott peterson's bail that high?

or what about them white kids who hung nooses on the tree after a black child sat under it? how was it that they only got suspended and not expelled...how was it that the black child had to ask permission to sit under a tree that was on public property... how was it that they were not prosecuted for a hate crime... Hate crimes are not protected by the Constitution.

why is it that it's the year 2007 and we still getting the doodooo side of the stick.

and why are all these men killing their babies and their babies' mothers? it is getting out of control. if you don't want no one to find out the dirt you are doing, don't do it or go and get sterilized and then you ain't gots to worry about a 'tell tell" baby ratting you out some 10 months later.

please take care of yourself and your loved ones...

one love
truthz

But what do you do when you no longer dancing with crazy but ...

2007-06-22T15:22:00.000-05:00

.....You are Crazy?

what do you do when you feel yourself spinning outta control. you can see it happening but it's like you have no knowledge on how to stop it. you have said your final goodbyes, you have written the letters and set them on fire, you have gotten rid of everything that reminds you of them.... but you still feel drawn to them... you still find yourself seeking out the truth... you are neglecting other things that you need to do because you want to get to the part where you can say, "AH HA" and feel vindicated?

well needless to say i ain't done much studying for my boards. i had a lot on my plate BUT, i have removed some things... i got a payment plan for the parking tickets... even though i think they suspended my license... i'm not sure... i am no longer driving dirty...well i am but i'm not, I mean I am now insured but all my tags aren't quite right if you get me and MY CHILD thinks the back seat is his personal dump, so.....

i have accepted my friend's plight and have invested in stamps and envelopes to write the parole board...

i haven't talked to Dirty since October.... My Child's bday is coming up, I wonder if he is gonna stop by so he can see this child that he hasn't seen in almost 2 years...ain't that some crap? couldn't be me, but yet still running around screaming he miss his baby...

look for me on 106 and park when T.I. performs... if it doesn't interfer with my surgery date i will be there supporting my husband

okay immma go study cuz pretty soon i won't have free internet...

Running from Commitment

2007-06-20T20:08:00.000-05:00

well my girl gots to serve some time and even though she is alive and not dead and got five and not life, it still doesn't seem fair. i feel sick way down past the pit of my stomach.... it's like i've been knocked 100 steps back. my faith in mankind has taken another direct hit... the tears I cry are tears of bitterness, why is it that trash always manages to find a way to ruin something nice?

i ruined a good thing, but a good thing ruin me also. i was doing so well just being over here hating all men and searching for my mythological "eduthug" but no, he had to come along and beg me to be his friend .... in life and on myspace... he put me in the number one spot right around the time he told me that i was his girl... exclusively. well when things got hot and heavy or heavy and hot, he scattered faster than a cockroach runs from the light.... and being me, i have to tell the truth, i did get really single white female on him after he told people i was his girl... it was something about the finality of it all that drove me insane... like i had lost control over the situation... so we both tried to sabatoge a good thing... i started acting really mean because my heart was digging him and MY CHILD was loving him... i wanted to run and some days i did but my heart and mind kept sending me back... for what? to hear him say it wasn't working for him... he didn't want to be in a relationship... but he said that only after he gave me the classic "it's not you, it's me...you are oh so perfect" and the i need to be more so i can be the man you want me to be... so today he deletes me from myspace, not only did he dethrone me he took me totally off his page, outta his space. then when i call and inquire about wth is going on, he says, you are still on my page... and i am so close to tears and to tell him to eat chicken poop that i just say yeah aiight and hang up.... so he calls n is like imma send you a friend request so you can be added back to my page... and i wanted to say wth for... but that is just my hurt talking so i say okay and accept him... and guess what he puts me back on, way at the bottom... his explanation is that he wants musical people to be first cause that's what he does, rap... and that would be cool if that was all that was in front of me... yeah PIC, she is in front of me (lol)... so i am wondering if i hadn't called would he had put me back on .... and how can i call someone and ask them about their space... he has made it clear that we can't share any type of space any more so i need to accept that and just let it go....

if i wasn't so dang on religious i think i would be totally done with dudes... supaheros aren't that great without their supa powers.

Holding My Breath

2007-06-17T21:42:00.000-05:00

So, a year and a half has passed since I last spoke about my friend who killed her boyfriend...her trial has started and we are waiting for the verdict... this is like the hardest thing I have ever had to do...harder than carrying and pushing out MY CHILD...harder than trying to come to terms with my rape... harder than trying to make myself swallow my shame and bend my knees and ask God to forgive me

Will she live or will she die... her life is in the hands of 12 strangers who could care less about how their decision is going to impact those around them... it's funny because the entire situation has made me sit back and reflect on life... really reflect because in a blink of an eye, we can alter our entire future... not in the sense like how I altered mine by having a baby with a married man, but our decisions can mean life/death and freedom/confinement.

Life is about choices, the choices we are given and the choices we make... sadly sometimes we are left with no choices and have to rely on instinct and fear; nevertheless, when it gets to that point it's because we haven't taken advantage of the choices we were given prior to the point we reached where there is only one choice to be made

This entire incident may have been avoided if we as a people were not so consumed with how others see us.... if we were not so consumed with "keeping up appearances" and playing "roles" so that those around us will not know how bad our life really is. Well last time I checked, the last perfect person to walk this earth was long gone, which means that EVERYONE is dealing with something... whether it is heartache, abuse, rejection, lack of money, drugs, alcohol, death, sickness, unemployment, low self-esteem... you name it, people are dealing with it...and maybe if we were not so consumed with trying to hide, disguise, or distinguish our flaws, we would be able to pull together to help one another...

I don't know... cuz as my HEART has recently told me... I can work with the FBI because I am so secretive and the reason is because I never wanted people to know how I really felt and how sad and alone I really was...but maybe if I had shared and let someone know this, some of the things I have had to go through as a grown A lady, I wouldn't have had to go through them or at least not alone

One LUv'
take care of yourself and each other

Blowing up in my face

2007-05-30T18:11:00.000-05:00

So, i want to be in control because i don't want to be hurt but my desire not to be hurt leads me to getting hurt....makes a lot of sense.

It's like a sickness, I know that I should stop, stop being so mean so annoying and so irritating but the more i fall for him the meaner i get...

until he reaches his breaking point and decides enough is enough and i am left standing here: begging, crying, pleading my case, all of which fall on death ears

i mean what does it mean that i don't want to be in a relationship... does it mean i don't want to be in a relationship with you crazy girl.. does it mean i don't want to be in a committed relationship... does it mean i just don't want to be in a relationship...

i may not know what it means; but i surely know how it feels........

like crap

brknh8td yeah that's me... i miss my super hero

the metamorphis of me

2007-03-06T21:00:00.000-06:00

"I am changing and I'm going to be better than I've ever been"

So I have been angry and hurt for a very long time....too, too long it's been since the sun has shined on my face. But now I have finally decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, to stop pitying myself, and to stop stopping myself. Cuz that's what I have been doing; that's what you do when you hide from yourself and avoid any situation that requires you to step outside of yourself.

I am about to graduate and I'm scared; I am petrified because once I graduate I won't be able to hide behind my books or get consumed in my hectic life. I am actually going to have to live. I am going to have to be in the line of fire and I need to know that I can still handle it. I need to know that I can still shine in the limelight and handle the pressure...that I can still make great decisions and know that they are great w/o me having to rehash them every ten minutes. I need to know that the rapist did not destroy the foundation of what made me, me.

In a lot of my blogs, I question why I have not left my perpetual valley, why I haven't arrived at my peak cuz everyone knows that I need to catch my breath, relax, relate and have a little fun. And maybe it has been because I still refused to face the fact that no matter what Hitler and Other has done to me, I still owe it to God to respect them and to treat them somewhat decently. Now, I'm not fake, but does it make me any less real to speak to them without the malice in my heart? I don't know because I have never tried it. I have always had to prove a point...even if my point was like beating a dead horse... I still had to prove that I was capable of holding a grudge no matter what...be it birth, illness, death, I was not going to let my grudge go.

But maybe it was time. I mean how long am I going to deny myself the opportunity to be truly happy because I am so determined to make a point? How long am I going to let my past cast a shadow on my future? How long am I going to be angry?

Well, in four days I will be 30 and I think I have let anger, disappointment, uncertainty, and self-hate occupy enough of those years for me to just let it all go... All of it. It is time for me to finally live

So I went home for an interview and this time when Hitler went to hug me, I didn't give him that Negro please look... I let him hug me. And when Other said she loved me, I finally uttered after some 20 years said "luv you too."

Yeah, I am changing

When Will The Madness End

2007-02-12T20:34:00.000-06:00

I mean really, is everything going to change? And yeah, I know I am hella late but dang, first Facebook and now this. I feel like I have been violated... what happen to free will and free choice. I mean why give me an option way back when regarding whether I wanted to upgrade to now force me to? Dangnabit.

So, Mary J. won last night and talked about how we all live in valleys to learn lessons so that we can rise to our peak... I hate to tell her, but some of us spend our entire life in the valley never getting to a peak. I am glad for her though, cuz she deserves it. Just like when I finally get mine, I will deserve it. Cuz I've been talked about and probably wrote about, not too sure about that cuz the people who generally talk about me, can't write, or shall i say spell or articulate anything outside of cursing that it wouldn't be worth your time to read whatever it was they were trying to convey.

Anyways, I gots a lot I need to get off my chest so that I can function long enough to get to my plateau just in case I gots another valley coming up before my peak appears.

Coming OF AGE

(so I'm a multi post cuz I ain't been here in a long minute and I rather get it out in one big post with split into mini posts than to double post)

So, the year started off with a jolt to my psyche'. I mean I thought there was nothing else "new" that I could suffer through until I found out that I had flunked a class. And many probably roll their eyes at this but, for me it was something major because in all of my years of being a professional student, i had never really flunked a class. i mean i have received incomplete F's which i let turn into F's even though realistically i had an A in that class, but i have never received an F and deserved it. But it happened and i was floored for a sec. okay for a long minute. I thought i was caught in some bad Twilight Zone episode. But low and behold, when I went and review my score, I had stunk up the place and I was ashamed and I was at a lost. See, excelling in school was always a given for me, it was something i did. But now, not only did it wake me up to understand that i can't keep skating thru life simply because that's what i do and have been doing cuz someone's got my number but it also put me in jeopardy of not graduating.

It's funny now when i look back on the situation after some weeks done gone by because grades do not define me and they never have, but for a moment, i almost let them. it's also funny because the person i call when i am at my weakest point laughed at me because as they stated "it's funny to think about what you let bother you and what you don't let bother you, you can wake up and find no food, no light, no heat and you'll be just fine, but you wake up to a F and you freak the hell out." that's right, cuz being hungry, without light and cold ain't nothing new to me, it's something that i have dealt with on many occassions so i know how to make it do what it do in those situations...but i have never been the dumb kid, so i was like a duck without a pond until i just got it in my head that now i really gots to make it do what it do...and then i could go and buy me some more pride to hide behind.

No The Hell They Didn't

Yes, the hell they did. The IRS done gone and garnished all of my monies. Every last bank account in my name, whether I had 25 bucks in it or $700. They took it. and i was penniless. less than penniless cuz after they took my mortgage money and after the bank levied their "if we had to fill out paperwork for the IRS taking your money" fee, i was in the red 300 bucks. and all i could do was cry. I cried like I ain't cried in a long time. There I was, on the public phone, cuz my phones are off cuz I ain't gots no money to get them on, crying. Crying cuz I am tired of the Devil playing with my emotions. I am tired of the Devil beating me down. I am tired of the Devil picking on me. And to add insult to injury I get these IRS jerks asking me if I gots friends that can lend me 6 g's... or if I could make arrangements to give them half of the money I make from working 8 hours a week... asking if i have any other bank accounts. And I am asking them if they have anybody who ain't idiots working there (yes i did, cuz one of the problems that i have is that i will always be me, meaning i will always spit fire with fire) I mean what else do i need to send in to prove that MY CHILD is my child... should i send them a sample of DNA since his birth certificate ain't good enough? Then this fool gonna tell me he gonna take every cent i have. I laughed and said you already did...but trust and believe you won't get another dime, not until this situation is straighten out...and trust and believe you wouldn't have gotten what you got if I wasn't waiting to get enough to pay my mortgage before i withdrew MY MONEY. and as I hung up on him as he was telling me he was documenting my account, i cried some more and then I prayed. I had to, there was nothing left for me to do cuz i was feeling really beaten, I didn't have money to take my class mural picture, i didn't have enough money to pay for my boards, whose deadline came and went, i didn't have enough money to put gas in my car, i didn't have enough money to do anything.

I needed strength to make it through to the next day, because everything seems a little brighter the day after. But, I didn't have enough strength inside of me to continue.... and my thoughts weren't coherent.... rob this, hustle that, pimp, strip, beg, borrow steal, put MY CHILD up for adoption... you know all of the crazy things we contemplate when we at our weakest point... so after i got over myself and stopped crying, i moved into action. MY CHILD had some money in his savings account and it would be just enough to pay the mortgage, then I had to call my Supahero to see if they could write me a check because if I deposited the money, them fools would snatch it up before the check cleared.

So now 5 days removed from the situation, it's still a foul situation, but I know that this too shall pass and that my days in the valley of poordom are numbered.

Luv

So, i used to wonder what Hitler was talking about when he used to talk about mistakes that would haunt you the rest of your life. NOW I KNOW. Wanting what I could not have, and shouldn't have had has caused me headache after headache. I am so sorry for MY CHILD, so very sorry... i see him get sad when he see kids walking around with their daddies... and I want to tell him so badly that he is so much better without him, that the fool he cries for is worthless and will never be able to equip him with the things he needs to be a man because he's still a little boy himself even though he dang near 50. That his father suck a "donkey" that he mailed me back all of the pictures he had of MY CHILD and told the Gurls that he just had another SON and named him after MY CHILd. All for a reaction from me.... and he got one too.... silence. I have decided that I will no longer give my thunder to scum like LUV. So, I will continue being Mama and Daddy to MY CHILD until someone who's deserving of our love comes along.

so right now i'm in a weird place... i'm thinking that it's time for me to be silent and to be still... because i am a good person...i have a heart of gold and yet it seems as if i can't catch a break...and i don't believe in karma, cuz i ain't done nothing to deserve what i have been getting... however, i see the blessing in everything, and the blessing is that i am still here despite the fact that a lot of people don't want me to be here... and i am still pushing forward, maybe not full steam, but i am still moving and i am still crossing things off my list, and i still have hope that it will get better and it will.... because i can see my floor and that's something that has eluded me for almost 7 years.

is it really this hopeless

2006-12-17T21:23:00.000-06:00

tears are rolling down my face and i'm not sure why. i mean in the pit of my stomach i knew, i knew that something wasn't quite right, but yet, i still couldn't put my finger on it. i couldn't figure out why my heart was telling me to run while my body was telling me to stay, even if it was just for the night. everything that came out, rolled off his tongue liked creamed unsalted butter.

i was so ready to take a chance but i was also very scared. broken hearts too many to count, always wearing my heart on my sleeve, always looking out for the next man, woman, or child, but the trouble was, nobody was looking at for me. taking and taking and taking and taking. nobody ever stopped to replace what they had taken, and some could never replace what they had stole. so i was trying to decide how i was going to play this one, how was it going to go down...was i going to just carry it as nothing and see what it got me, maybe a night out on the town, maybe a free meal, and a good laugh.

the funny thing with life is, you are never in control, you are in the driver seat and you have you foot on the gas and you have you hands on the steering wheel, but you aren't in control... my heart started racing and my face started losing years, my walk was a little lighter, i was feeling good all over, i was laughing and enjoying life again..i was living, but i was still afraid.

but i kept telling myself that if i wanted something different i had to be different, i had to take chances, because he might possibly be the one..he seemed so honest, and he was passing all of the tests, you know the answering of the phone regardless if it was 3am or 3pm..his stories that could be verified, rang to be true, but still there was something, something i couldn't quite grasps, something i don't know, maybe it was just me, doubting and not trusting anyone these days... saying "uh, hm" to everything being spit my way, all the while filing it away to test the validity of it at a later date.

but then when i was sure that the bottom was gonna fall out and it was about to be a wrap, he surprised me and did what he was supposed to which made me start second guessing myself and sorta made me let down my guard and allowed myself to breathe, and just when i was about to exhale....

BLAM...this fool disappears without a phonecall, a letter, a ride by, nothing... and i'm left here with all of these thoughts and questions and useless tears...

im a good person with a good heart, yet it doesn't seem to be a good person with a good heart out there for me

The Impending Derailment

2006-12-09T15:24:00.000-06:00

I knew it was coming, I just couldn't stop it, I couldn't put on the brakes, I could feel myself reaching super speed, and I knew that the rails wouldn't be able to hold me, i knew that i was going to jump the track, and maybe it was about time that I did, maybe it was about time for me to go full speed ahead and just deal with whatever happens.

So i think it started when I found out that MY GURLS were pregnant. Yup, both of them. So I had to deal with the fact that I was gonna be a Grandma, yup cuz regardless of what anyone says, those my babies. Then it was the fact that people were telling them that they needed to get rid of them because of x,y, and z and I'm like, they already messed up emotionally, why cause more emotional strife? And then my neighbor told me she was pregnant, and I was like wow...it was all these pregnant people around and for some reason it made me feel weird....
Then my neighbor started having complications and I tried to tell her to get some help, i tried to tell her to get another doctor, i tried to tell her to go to the hospital...i tried to help her because I had been there... I knew what it was leading up to, and I wanted to help her, like i wished someone would have helped me..But she wouldn't, didn't listen. She ask me for advice and just did whatever, and when she lost her child and had to deal with how insensitive people are when you "miscarry" I became angry... I was furious.

It wasn't until later that I realized that I was mad at my neighbor because unlike me, she could have avoided the tradegy...all she needed to do was become proactive, to actually stand up for hers and her baby's right. But she wanted to listen to people who ain't been there, who didn't understand the signs....and look where it got her. The fact that I tried to help her and she didn't listen but always wanted my advice pist me the hell off, cuz the depression that enveloped her afterwards reminded me of my depression that I still suffer from...it reminded me of my sadness, it reminded me of my babies, and I was mad that she had let her baby die. Then one of my gurl's lost her baby and I guess I just couldn't take it.

I can't take not being in control, not knowing what's going to happen next and not knowing what to do next....

I started feeling angry all of the time. I didn't want to be bothered with anyone, NOT EVEN MY CHILD. I just wanted to be by myself. I just wanted to disappear. People who have never been depress don't understand that it's not something you really can control, or something you can even regulate, it's something that happens and when it does, it paralyzes your life. that you can't function, and that you don't want to function, you just want to be left alone to marinate in your juices, to meditate to find out what the next course of action should be and to just get it all together cuz sometimes you just got to be knocked on your behind before you can figure out which way was up...

well, that's where i am, layed out on my behind, trying to figure up which way is up, and you know what, the view isn't so bad from here.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

2006-11-26T10:05:00.000-06:00

So I have been gettin my hustle on, seriously. Steal from Peter to pay Paul, naw, even that wouldn't help. It's funny cuz I am so busy worrying about Tomorrow and how I'm gonna pay this bill and that bill and get this and that for MY CHILD or wondering why Yesterday i didn't do what I was supposed to do so that Today it wouldn't be so hard for me or on me. And it took the cable guy to drop some knowledge on me:

I was telling him how I was just tired, tired of everything and how I needed to catch a break cuz I was catching hell and then some and I was running outta creative ideas of how I was gonna make it and seeing that he was the only person I knew who out-hustled me, I was trying to see if he could hip me to a part-time hustle that could give me some much needed income. He laughed and told me that he was just thinking about what other hustles he could pick up. Well somewhere in the convo, we started talking about Gerald Levert and how I was still in shock that he was dead and just how i could chart my life on his songs and his concerts. So, CG was like that's why we have to make plans, so our life can be better and I was like, naw, not really, cuz life is not as concrete as a plan. I should know, I was the queen of making plans and would go ballistic if things didn't go accordingly. I was trying to explain this to CG and he wasn't getting it so I was like tonight, Gerald had plans, he was supposed to be performing in the Chi with his dad for Thanksgiving, but look what happened to his plans now that he dead. Plans are okay, so you can have a layout, a blueprint, a roadmap to where you would like to wind up, but in life you will find out that there are many paths, bumps, detours, and unexpected construction that you may have to endure before reaching your final destination. I said when you in the game of life, you learn that to understand life, you have to live it...and right now I wasn't really in the game..i was like the 12th man, i got in for a few seconds to give the stars a chance to take a pee break but just when i was getting some rhythm, i was back on the sidelines watching

So CG tells me that what I just said sounded like what Bill Cosby had said in this movie he was watching...he said that Bill Cosby had been saving all of his life to buy a house so that his wife and kids would have somewhere to live and to call their own, said getting a house was like his only goal...once he got the house he would be satisfied because they could live better. Well when he got the house, he found out his son was sick and was going to eventually die so he told his son, "son, there are three types of people in this world, there are yesterday people, your grandfather was a yesterday person, he was always talking about yesterday and trying to hold on to the past, which prevented him from realizing his future, and me, i used to be a tomorrow person, always saying what i am going to do or want to do in the future, and how things going to be in the future, but starting right now, i'm gonna be a today person, so what do you want to do today?" (well, it may have been off some cuz it was like 11:30 at night and i was half asleep, half sick, and half crying, and i'm half death and CG's jamaican accent is so thick that about time the words came through the phone to me, it sounded like i was listening to french while i taking a nap in a pool of running water)

and it was like someone had made him go to the dollar store and buy that movie and watch it just so that he could tell me about that part of the movie.... because i had been sitting in my house meditating, wondering why it seemed like i couldn't catch a break, or when it did appear i was on the way up, i find my face back down in the mud. and why am i always the one face down in the mud, cuz if i am the only one playing this game, how in the hell do i keep falling? and i guess it's because i haven't learned my lesson.

i need to stop looking at what everyone else has and comparing that to what i have or do not have because God has truly blessed me and he may stop blessing me if i do not take time to (1) recognized that i have been blessed and (2) to appreciate and enjoy the blessing.

see, stealing from Peter to pay Paul WOULD NOT HELP ME, especially seeing that i have $10.95 in my account. that's not enough to get me a half of tank of gas. that's not enough to get me a bus pass for the week...that's not enough for me to do a lot of things, BUT it is enough for me to make ten trips to Mickey D's and get MY CHILD some "dolla fries" to reward him for good behavior or just because i know that Mickey D's fries has a way of putting a smile on his face the way a brownie fudge sundae puts one on mine.

So today, I am going to work on being a today person, which means, i can't beat myself up about not being able to write consistently any more cuz my life right now isn't allowing it, however, maybe if i focus on the tasks i need to do today, tomorrow, i will be able to write like i used to..

I Can Do A Lot of Things But I Can't Do Everything

2006-11-25T21:54:00.000-06:00

"Well, I don't really have an excuse, except that I am a little overwhelmed and sick with pneumonia, which I got from MY CHILD, but couldn't be hospitalized because I didn't have any place for MY CHILD to go, so I got to go home on meds, which I don't think are working, but...."

So this is what I told one of my professors as the deadline to a very important assignment was quickly approaching, a deadline that I was in no shape or form to meet. And in my mind, I really didn't have an excuse, well a valid one to offer up as to why this deadline was going to pass and I would not have anything of substance to turn in. I was just tired. My body was drained and even though for the past 2 weeks I had gotten up at the crack of dawn to work on this assignment, I still had nothing to show for my "early bird gets the worm" methods. The only thing i did accomplish was determining that my left side is really jacked up since my accident. I can't sit for long periods of time (like 10 mins) without moving or it will go to sleep...I can't continuously move that side or it will swell up...so i have to move, sit still, move, sit still, move...ain't life grand.

So, I am prepared for my professorto treat me like the MightyOne and others have been treating me and tell me that I have a problem, or that I am making BS excuses and that I need to get my stuff together, or that I need to stop being lazy, or my absolute fav "I am too blessed to be stressed, ain't I a Christian?" But to my surprise, my professor dropped some knowledge on me, she told me that I could do a lot of things and have accomplished a lot things, but, I can't do everything....that i need to realize this, because there is only one me.

And you know what dang it, she right, I ain't superwoman, that cape was snatched off or flew off my back a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago. My body can't do or take what it could 5 years ago, let along 10. I can only do so much and though I tell myself this over and over again, I still try and do it all. Why? Is it because I am a control freak? Naw, i think it's moreso I don't trust anyone to do it right, or to do it when it needs to be done, and if something going to fall through the cracks, I would prefer for it to fall through from my hands.

So, I knew deep down after sitting in the hospital for another week with MY CHILD who had a fever that kept rising without explanation that I was too pooped to do anything. I mean even before the hospital ordeal I was drained from doing school, doing a 12 hr externship and doing a 16 hr internship that I had to work to try and keep a roof over my head. So now upon his release, with me feeling sore and achy, lungs hurting when i breathe, sides hurting, throat hurting from the persistent dry cough, i knew i needed someone to help me out, at least until i got better so that (1) my child didn't recatch the virus and (2) so my child didn't get his feelings hurt because i wasn't in the mood to be bothered.

BUT: who was i going to get, seeing if I had someone in mind, i could have been hospitalized and received the only pampering i am probably going to get before the year's out. I mean people just don't care nowadays what they expose their kids to, but i do. I mean I went over a mutual acquaintance's house and the mama was rolling a blunt in front of her kids talking about "my kids know what i do, they know i get high" WTH? i knew my parents had sex, don't mean they did it in front of me. Or, the associate who lets her drunk boyfriend disrespect her in front of her child and whoever else is present. or my gurls who still don't understand why a "little ice cream" will do a lot of harm to their brother. I mean if I was going to have to worry about the safety of my child because of the type of environment he may be exposed to, I might as well watch him myself. The only person I thought who would be able to do it, my classmate, was under doctors care also because my child had decided to be extra generous and give him viral pneumonia, also.

so yeah, i knew i couldn't do everything i was supposed to do feeling the way that i did, but what was i supposed to do? send my child off so that i could rest up and hope that he didn't come back saying, "puff, puff, pass?"

Trying to saved the pot of burnt rice

2006-10-04T21:43:00.000-05:00

I am standing over the stove, half laughing, half crying. I can't believed I done burnt the rice. It's not even the fact that I don't have time to make another pot cuz My Child is hungry and so am I, it's the fact that I can't afford to throw this rice out..."money ain't been growing on trees for a minute now." So, I poured more water into the pot and proceeded to reboil. Now, it ain't nothing worth than recooked burnt rice. Believe that, cuz after two forced spoonfuls, I got up and tossed the rice in the trash..I guess it was just gonna have to be another peanut butter and jelly night.

Funny thing, I don't remember people strugglin like this when I was growing up...I don't remember people who were actually putting forth the effort always coming out with the short stick. Sure, I remember when food and money got really scarse in my house.. when we couldn't afford to really shop at Jewel's or Dominicks so we had to drive 45 mins to the Ultra in Indiana...then we couldn't afford to burn all that gas so we had to shop at One Stop where we got "Big Ole Big Ole Flakes" and "Loops and Loops of Fruit." But, that time did not last that long...it wasn't every year or every three months that we had to eat Big Ole instead of Raisin Bran, it was just for that spell of being poor.

I am so angry that I have to fight for everything I want and everything I need. I am so tired of fighting...why everything gots to be a struggle. It's not even that Im trying to live above my means. All I'm trying to do is eat and not have a stroke trying to do so.

Behind the Curtain...and underneath the veil

2006-10-03T12:26:00.000-05:00

So, I still haven't found the time to blog regularly or to even began to find out what's going on in my blog family's lives. I don't even have time to enjoy multiple IM chats while the teacher is telling me something that s/he thinks i need to know. but i guess it bes like that sometimes...but some days i do have the opportunity to talk to my PIC, someone who knows the good, bad, and the ugly...someone i have always been able to tell the plain truth to, no sugar, honey, smoke or screens, some of the stuff we talk abt is down right gross and other stuff is down right heart wrenching...here's a peek at one of our recent IM chats:

pic: Good morning, I'm here, I just have to sit at reception for a while till this girl gets here, but she has her computer locked, so I can't log on on hers.
pic: You there?
DR_ESQ.: no
pic: Okay
pic: :=)
pic: Who are you trying to avoid being invisible?
DR_ESQ.: gurl i am actually "cough cough" doing wk
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: hahahahaha
DR_ESQ.: i can't spell right now how do u spell rampade
pic: that's the funniest thing I've heard all day
DR_ESQ.: suf
DR_ESQ.: but yeah...it's time
DR_ESQ.: my season is ending
pic: time to work?
DR_ESQ.: time to stop feeling sorry for myself
DR_ESQ.: time for me to grow up
pic: Girl who you telling
DR_ESQ.: time for work too
DR_ESQ.: lol
DR_ESQ.: but yeah...it's time
pic: I've been giving myself that same speech
DR_ESQ.: i am gonna blog abt it
DR_ESQ.: cuz i am feeling it hard
pic: just shut up complaining, it ain't gonna make nothing no better
DR_ESQ.: esp. if u keep doing the same thing
pic: we are given nothing more than we can bare
DR_ESQ.: finding the same people
pic: right
DR_ESQ.: i talked to my unc today and i feel bad... i think i always depress him
pic: so if HE knows we can get through it, then we shall get through it
pic: What you tell him?
DR_ESQ.: yup and we just have to let go and LET GOD sometimes
pic: You know, you don't have to tell him EVERYTHING
DR_ESQ.: sometimes it's not meant for us to fix
pic: You are correct
DR_ESQ.: gurl, i didn't tell him the latest
DR_ESQ.: i was just telling him that all my stuff gonna b shut down for awhile but i am okay
DR_ESQ.: and he was like u need to just let me send u some money
DR_ESQ.: and i was like naw... i gots this
pic: UM YEAH
pic: See, that pride of yours
DR_ESQ.: sometimes u have to struggle gurl to get to the bottom of things
pic: didn't you used to like helping people who needed help?
DR_ESQ.: naw, cuz i am strugglin but it's my own fault
pic: No, you don't always have to struggle, maybe if it were only you
pic: but you have Mikey
DR_ESQ.: and i have means to get outta my struggle..but my pride wouldn't let me see it
DR_ESQ.: gurl i have a plan and i need to just follow thru with it
pic: and sometimes it makes people feel good to help others, so let him help you if he wants to
DR_ESQ.: gurl he always help me...no doubt
DR_ESQ.: the best thing he can do for me is pray for me cuz the end is coming
DR_ESQ.: and he wants me to make it so badly
pic: He can pray, and if Mikey needs some shoes, he can send you money
DR_ESQ.: gurl i can take myself to payless and get that fool some shoes
DR_ESQ.: let me tell u ..i am like a squirrel
DR_ESQ.: i prepare for the worst
DR_ESQ.: he is just speculating but all you have to do is lk at the signs
DR_ESQ.: we joke abt them everyday
pic: right
DR_ESQ.: but it ain't no joke
DR_ESQ.: it is abt to get really interesting up in this piece
DR_ESQ.: and it's time to decide who's side we gonna be on
pic: yeah, you're right
pic: hey, did you go to the hall Saturday?
DR_ESQ.: and right now...imma be serving u black beans and cassava leaves wearing no drawls
pic: lmbo
DR_ESQ.: naw...i was taking a me day
pic: oooooooh
DR_ESQ.: i have been so depressed and
DR_ESQ.: not that kind a me day
DR_ESQ.: but i have been depressed over stuff i shouldn't b depressed abt
pic: like money?
pic: or bdn?
DR_ESQ.: do u know why i haven't come back home meaning "da chi" yet
pic: No, please enlighten me
pic: I would love to know
DR_ESQ.: gurl money come and go...and bdn is just a link to a bigger puzzle/issue
DR_ESQ.: because i feel like a failure.
DR_ESQ.: like i haven't accomplished what i was equipped to or supposed to
DR_ESQ.: i feel like one foot Kunta
DR_ESQ.: like i left with all this ambition and spunk and came back with all these battle scars :
DR_ESQ.: no money, being raped, losing my kids, no money, being a single mama, getting in relationships with losers, um no money,
pic: that's life
DR_ESQ.: so i came back with a chopped off foot
pic: you left a virgin to life....well you know what I mean
pic: hopefully the uglier one
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and when i came back that asked me my name and i was like whatever you wt to call me...i can be related to "buster"
DR_ESQ.: suf!
DR_ESQ.: so it's like i never measured up
DR_ESQ.: and guess what
DR_ESQ.: i never will
DR_ESQ.: not as long as i am trying to measure myself to or against standards i can't reach
DR_ESQ.: i keep fighting against the obvious
pic: hold on
pic has signed back in. (10/3/2006 10:48 AM)
pic: what are you doing?
pic: where are you?
pic: what's going on?
DR_ESQ.: i nd to b asking u that
DR_ESQ.: u said h.o
DR_ESQ.: signout
DR_ESQ.: then back in
pic: Oh shut up!
DR_ESQ.: so would u like to finish our convo so i can post a blog or do u wt to just sit there lking like u do
pic: We can finish our convo
DR_ESQ.: okay so like i was saying i can't keep fighting the obvious which is
DR_ESQ.: i have no real family
DR_ESQ.: meaning biological family...
pic: Yes you do or else you wouldn't be here
pic: technically you do
pic: emotionally you don't
DR_ESQ.: okay well just stay with me mcfly
DR_ESQ.: we know i didn't come from a cup
DR_ESQ.: even though in sixth grade i told everyone that
DR_ESQ.: and emotionally, i never will have that biological family that i want
DR_ESQ.: so i have to accept this and move on
DR_ESQ.: accept it meaning that i wouldn't be shocked or moved to any action or reaction when i get an email from Other
DR_ESQ.: and she has given all of her kids title except me like “first born, baby girl and baby boy”
pic: Why won't you tell them how you feel?
DR_ESQ.: that is the reality of my situation
DR_ESQ.: cuz smigger if they want to know, they can pay like the rest of the world
pic: lol
pic: too funny
DR_ESQ.: i ain't in the bizness of helping those who have constantly tried to keep me down
DR_ESQ.: it's funny cuz i alwys get that ant. fisher story in my head
DR_ESQ.: y do i have to find my own family
pic: but for real, do you think that you harbor the most resentment from your childhood and that has distanced you a lot?
DR_ESQ.: because u have to forgive
DR_ESQ.: y do i have to forgive
pic: didn't like that movie
pic: too long
pic: too slow
DR_ESQ.: im still standing im still strong
pic: I remember that from commercials....lol
DR_ESQ.: im sure barnyard or g.i. jane was more your speed
pic: b
DR_ESQ.: yeah me too which is y i wted to see it
DR_ESQ.: love yah
pic: jerk
DR_ESQ.: still love yah
DR_ESQ.: so n e ways
DR_ESQ.: i am not a failure
DR_ESQ.: and this is inspite of the fact that i may never have that big house and that white picket fence
DR_ESQ.: ofcourse u know the fence wasn't going to b white
pic: well guess what, Ms. Truthz....there are kids who will never know their background, real family, mother abandoned them
DR_ESQ.: i have accomplished more than i give myself credit for and that's not to toot my own horn or to pat myself on the back
pic: they in my opinion are worse off for knowing nothing at all
DR_ESQ.: gurl pls
DR_ESQ.: do u think Useless daughter is worse off
pic: Yes you have accomplished more than some people out here who don't have kids, have parents who take care of them
DR_ESQ.: pls...living in a mansion
pic: you have made it work and even though, sometimes you may feel like you're drowning, you're always above water just enough to breathe.
DR_ESQ.: at least if her adopted family beats the hell out of her mentally, physically, and emotionally, she will always b able to say, well they ain't my real folks
pic: what if they were NEVER adopted
pic: all kids don't get adopted
DR_ESQ.: yeah well and all kids aren't treated like we were
DR_ESQ.: so we are talking abt the exceptions
pic: there are kids who've been treated as bad and worse....the thing is, yeah the past affects you, but it's up to you to determine how much
DR_ESQ.: and just so u can be sure, i ain't got no room to breath, but right before i went under, i took a bamoo shoot and i've been breathing through that...sorta like a straw
pic: Your mother and father still have control over your life as long as you dwell on what they didn't do and let that affect you everyday of your life
pic: Shut up STOOOOOPID
DR_ESQ.: preach gurl...preach cuz i think it's some truth in that for u too
pic: oh yeah
DR_ESQ.: but here is the underlying issue
DR_ESQ.: y does it matter so much
pic: because it's a natural instinct
DR_ESQ.: is it because i want them to love me and accept me and care abt me
pic: a natural feeling to want love and validation and praise from our parents
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: or is it because i see other people interact with their parents and feel that something must b wrg with me bcuz i don't have it
DR_ESQ.: lk at us, on the same wave again
pic: I know
pic: I never thought that because Andre wasn't around like he should have been that it was my fault
DR_ESQ.: but seriously... i have walked alone most of my life...
pic: I just thought he was a weak man who couldn't take care of himself, let alone children
DR_ESQ.: i don't feel it's my fault because i had no power over them
DR_ESQ.: but i feel less worhy or
DR_ESQ.: less something
pic: I don't think parenting faults have anything to do with the children
pic: hold on one sec
DR_ESQ.: sometimes they do...
DR_ESQ.: cuz that boy of mind....
pic: You ever thought of the fact that your mom is jealous of you?
DR_ESQ.: naw...but i have thought of the fact that she despises me
DR_ESQ.: and that's okay
pic: You are extremely smart
pic: Very independent, you have your own mind
DR_ESQ.: no...gurl i get my husl on
DR_ESQ.: and guess what...do u know who instilled that
DR_ESQ.: she did...she created this monster
pic: you know you are stronger than her...she stayed with a man who hit her and her kids
DR_ESQ.: she made sure i stayed in the library...she allowed me to voice my opinions..or maybe i just voiced them and she let them go
pic: she knows you wouldn't deal with it
DR_ESQ.: gurl but here is the thing... i might
DR_ESQ.: who's to say i wouldn't
DR_ESQ.: gurl thumper pushed me
DR_ESQ.: and in my mind that was like him striking me with his fist
pic: Oh no
DR_ESQ.: and i was like oooh
DR_ESQ.: and i went back to his house and overexaggerated the situation
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and was like if u ever do that again, trust and believe u will b dead
pic: ain't no overexaggeration
DR_ESQ.: and i meant that ...but for that moment
DR_ESQ.: after he did it i was stuck
DR_ESQ.: sorta of like the rape
pic: ain't no touching with force necessary regardless of the situation
pic: I will stab a nigga
DR_ESQ.: like once he was at the door and i had the power to go get a knife or that sledge hammer i was tryn to reach
pic: boy o boy would I
DR_ESQ.: lol
DR_ESQ.: y didn't i
DR_ESQ.: why didn't i press charges...
pic: don't know
pic: maybe if it was a punch you would have
DR_ESQ.: because i am my mother's child
pic: thought a push wasn't much
pic: but you don't have to be!!!!!
DR_ESQ.: i am talking abt the rape
DR_ESQ.: gurl he didn't push me
pic: Oh, girl hell if I know
pic: I don't know why you didn't file charges
DR_ESQ.: naw, but thumper would have been dealt with cuz trust and believe after that...everytime we met i was strapped
pic: his ass would have just got F'd in his ass my Bruno if it was up to me
pic: by
pic: not my
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: lol..i knw
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: but like you said, you were stuck
pic: in shock maybe
DR_ESQ.: but i am stronger when i am fighting for others who don't have a voie
DR_ESQ.: voice
pic: wondering if you did anything to make him think it was ok
DR_ESQ.: u know what it was
DR_ESQ.: my pride was hurt
pic: what?
pic: You and this damn pride
pic: THAT is your problem
DR_ESQ.: it was like how in da hell is this fool gonna rape Truthz
pic: Pride is one of the seven deadly sins ya know
pic: lmbo
DR_ESQ.: how he gonna rape the one who when the chips fall and niggas getting dropped she doing the dropping
DR_ESQ.: the one who only fight the dudes
DR_ESQ.: who been this way since she was six and almost killed a trick in the first grade for slapping her brother
DR_ESQ.: it was like a reality check...like fool, u aint' invincible
DR_ESQ.: if i could get raped...i could get shot
pic: well guess what, you ain't a tomboy no more, you are a grown woman
pic: so, all that pride and bullying
pic: let it go
DR_ESQ.: gurl truth b told, im still a tomboy tryn to figure out how i can become a lady
pic: oh lord
DR_ESQ.: as my grandma used to say...if you would stop running around acting like a lil boy maybe u couldda got a date to the prom
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: but now im trying to get a date to the alter
pic: u in the library?
DR_ESQ.: yup
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: so back to my realization...
pic: uh huh
DR_ESQ.: i am not going to marry Michael Jordan
DR_ESQ.: i am not going to die rich
pic: :+>>
DR_ESQ.: and I may never get married in this system
pic: you're not going to marry Mike
pic: but you could die rich
DR_ESQ.: suf!!1
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and i may never feel like i have a family to call my own so i need to make the best of it
DR_ESQ.: my "family" meaning people like ur stanky behind have gotten me this far
pic: lol
DR_ESQ.: and now why all of a sudden am i feeling sorry for myself.. i have isolated myself from them and i don't know how to get things back
pic: well you have to create your own family
DR_ESQ.: yeah i tried that and got that boy
DR_ESQ.: and i now need another family to send him to
pic: u ain't right
DR_ESQ.: and the thing is i guess the bottom line is, the makeshift family was okay for me
DR_ESQ.: but i don't wt it to b okay for him
DR_ESQ.: i want him to have a real family
DR_ESQ.: i want him a mama and a daddy plus all the extra mamas and daddies
pic: well use the 90 day rule and your prince will come a runnin'
pic: :{+}
DR_ESQ.: so when he extra family is doing for their own and can't do for him, he don't feel bad cuz he know his blood mama and daddy gots his back
DR_ESQ.: suF!!!! i can't count to 90
pic: See, that's your problem right there
pic: you better learn
DR_ESQ.: and plus i think that the celibacy counts for something
pic: and maybe even make it 120
DR_ESQ.: and i am so repressed that...
pic: or 200 like I did with M-
DR_ESQ.: well i guess that knocks MM out unless we count the 3 years b4
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: girl I just got an email for you
DR_ESQ.: but i don't know...it's something abt me packing up and selling that is making me wake up
pic: the lord works in mysterious ways....lol
DR_ESQ.: i told u i don't do porn
DR_ESQ.: lol
pic: tell it to a fool who don't know no better
pic: hahahahaha

The Email that she sent:

Subject: Carrot, egg,coffee
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

um it's so long maybe I will just try and link it... oh well i will edit sooner or later

Dancing with Crazy

2006-09-26T07:54:00.000-05:00

"Where da hell you been? We've been looking for you...what now you funny actin' and what nots?"

I make my lips go up into a slick smile as my eyes begin to fill up...ain't it funny how blind you are...can't you see my pain? after all these years you ain't gots me figured out yet? don't you know that when im down and out, i ain't coming around cuz my lil sensitive heart won't be able to stomach the free-loading jokes, or the questions abt my hair or why MY CHILD's shoes runneth over.

"Child didn't you hear, me...what you ignoring me? I asked where you been, why you ain't been coming around..."

I silently blink, praying that the levees holding back months of frustration, pain, sorrow, regret, disappointment, and plain ole tiredness don't break. I ain't in the mood to listen to why i am being silly....how i am supposed to be a Christian and should know that all i gots to do is throw my burdens upon Jehovah and how I am too blessed to be stressed. Wth? what world are you living in? are you not seeing what I am seeing... are you not listening or watching the news... we are living in the last days...and guess what these days are a B*@#$&%^^ and so I gots reason to stress and I gots reasons to cry and to feel sad and it's people like you who try to undermine my feelings and my situation that makes me feel i have to hold all these toxins in my body, never to release them...but lord knows, these levees can only hold so much, only hold so much...

"You know I'm here if you need me....when you are ready to talk about what's going on, YOU LET ME KNOW, HMPH!"

I have to let out a chuckle on that one....don't they know I am the LIL' RED HEN. I need to get that tatted on my behind so when I finally get the nerve to everyone to kiss where the sun don't shine, they can understand why...cuz I'm the Lil Red Hen which means for the most part, I done did it all by myself. Are you really there? I mean I have told you that I have no money but you stress me about not coming by as much. Have you seen the gas? You laugh me out about my phones being off and tell me that maybe if I pay the bill on time it would be on... um, are you even hearing me when i talk...i tell you i am struggling...and you tell me that i'm not... i tell you that i need help...you tell me to pray about it....i tell you i don't want to talk about it and so you talk about me, or you get mad and give me attitude....i mean can i live, can i be.

Knock, knock ...."Hey Truthz, aren't you happy to see me?"

wth? why would i be happy to see you? what have you done for me lately? i mean really. the only reason you are here is becuz you are stuck and have no where else to go... why do you think you can just show up at my door unannounced? and then expect to get a "ticker-day parade" reception. get real, do i look like your "baby girl" or your "baby boy".... you remind me of Bush, you can find your way to the post office to mail something to the middle east but you can't even get nothing to the nation's capitol. oh yeah, thanks, i finally got my invite to the july shindig...it was postmarked aug 6th.

"Is everything alright, you don't look so good."

Well, if you really want to know... Hell naw, everything ain't alright. do you think it's a joke when i tell you that i ain't gots no money and ain't figured out a way to get any... do you think it's a joke that i have to sell the roof over my head so that me and My Child don't wind up on the street? do you think everything is okay if i am sleeping most of my days and not eating... do you think when i tell you my world is crumbling that i am saying that for attention. i mean help me understand what you want from me. when i tell you i need help or that i am feeling down, you make it seem like like i am undeserving of help...or you tell me you gonna help me and the help never materializes. ...don't talk about it, be about it. i mean i ain't gots time to be running around telling everybody how down and out i am...that ain't paying my bills. and my talking about it makes me feel down even more... if i wanted to be down, i wouldda stayed at home where i can open my freezer and know for a fact that we down to the wire with food. where i can look at my dirty clothes piling up knowing pretty soon imma run out of clean clothes to wear and lord knows what imma do then...it's bad enough that i have been going on interviews in my casual clothes cuz i ain't gots no money to put my dress clothes in the cleaner...well to get them out and i'll be dag on if i let them sell the only dress clothes i have. and then this pain in my back and in my neck and in my knee and in my foot.... it's outta this world... yeah, so what, MY Child wasn't injured in the accident...guess what, I was and I matter and it matters that i am in pain! and it matters that my world has been knocked hecter skeltor by some fool who couldn't deal with the realization that her life had been changed by some cruel disease and therefore, she shouldn't have been driving.... it matters that because my car has to be in the shop that i had to be placed in a rental so that i could get around that when it was broken into the other day that i had to pay 500 out of my pocket to get it fixed... 500 dollars that i didn't have. meaning now my bank acct is negative. meaning the lil 300 i had saved up to pay part of my mortgage is now gone....

so what the hell have i been doing? I've been dancing with Crazy....it started off with just clean innocent flirting... with him standing against the wall just winking and me coyly waving ...then he sent the message by the waiter asking me if i wanted to talk...he told me that he could make me forget the fact that the welfare people are so backwards, telling me that i don't qualify for foodstamps any more cuz they don't understand how i pay my rent....i don't make enough. Then he bought me that potent drink that made me let down my guard and began to confide in him my innermost secrets about how i was starting to hate people...and before i knew it, we were out on the dance floor stepping in the name of love....i had forgotten all about the fact that i had only been eating bread for the last week and MY Child had nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner(its a good thing he gets lunch at school). It no longer mattered that i was in constant pain whenever I had to pick MY Child up...the music called out to my very essence...making me hot and moist with anticipation....and every time i am ready to just let myself go to that happy place that he is trying to get me, to that place of total ecstasy...somebody interupts my journey because they want to know why i have become all anti-social all of a sudden.

i will edit later

The Ferris Wheel of Life

2006-09-07T09:43:00.000-05:00

So I know that it has been a long time since I have been on here and believe me you, I have missed being here, sharing, caring, loving, and speaking my mind. but my life is like the ferris wheel: it looks really nice and pleasant from afar but it's actually really scary when you get on, especially if you afraid of heights. just when i think it's my turn to get a glimpse from the top, the ride breaks down and i'm stuck, dangling from the side.

On August 18, 2006 I was supposed to log on and blog about how on the 19th MY CHILD was having surgery and about how I was a lil on edge. I was on edge because My Child had been making these comments that made my skin crawl, he kept saying that he wanted to go home...that he was ready to go home. And taking these comments as they are written, you may say what was wrong with that. Well, when he made those comments, we would be home. So to unspook myself, I would ask My Child questions to try and gage where his head was... "what do you mean you want to go home, where do you think you are now?" and he would respond, "not this home, my home out there (pointing out the window)." Now being that i have never discussed Heaven or Hell with My Child for personal reasons, this scared the dookie outta me. So i asked, "what do you mean your home out there?" and he said, "my home out there, in the sky." and i hurriedly told him, "you not a bird, your home is not in the sky." but my heart had stopped beating...WTH was he talking about...what was going on.

I didn't get to blog about this because it was my last week of my internship and they were working the heebeegeebees outta me. I didn't even have time to IM let alone blog.

So come 5 a.m. the next morning I am trucking to the hospital so that My Child can be fixed for hopefully the last time. All the way there, My Child is trying to talk me outta going. "Mommy, i don't want to get my ear fixed today, lets go home and come back tomorrow." "Mommy, my ear is all better, see, it's not draining, nothing is coming out my ear, see look." (making reference to the blood and pus that had been running out of his ear for the last couple of days.) "Mommy, i'm sleepy, lets go home to go to sleep and come back later." I tell him that we have to get his ear fixed so that we won't have to worry about it later and plus now he will get to take swim classes.

At the hospital our name is called and he gets prepped for surgery. gown, scrub footies and hat, and bottom....then we wait. the doctor calls for him but they don't send him because the nurse is concerned, My Child is coughing. So the nurse calls for the anesthesiologist to come monitor him. He comes and he watches and he asks questions and he watches and he listens...and after an hour of this he tells me "i can't sign off on this, i don't feel comfortable with him going into surgery, i don't think he will make it, i mean it is possible that everything will be fine, but i don't want to be the one to take that chance."

what do you say to that? i mean on one hand i am glad that you are doing your job but on the other hand, now i have something to worry about. what if someone else had come instead of you and okayed the surgery....what if.......

so the doctor comes to see what the hold-up is, why isn't his patient who has suffered enough, not being brought to the surgery room. the doctor was informed of the concerns and he looks at me and looks at My Child and says "well, i would say let's do it, but if it means jeopardizing lil'man, i say lets do this next week same time, same place...we can't take a chance with lil'man."
now to me this sounded weird because My Child has come for surgery with gook coming out of his nose and eyes, wheezing and all kinds of other stuff and his surgery has NEVER been canceled. (and the time that he had the awful reaction, he had no symptoms.) his doctor always comes and says, "he okay, let's roll" so for him to say let's wait, it made me stop and think, "was this the work of GOD? was he stepping in because he knew that if My Child had surgery, I wouldn't be able to handle the end result?"

well anyways the next week he had the surgery and everything went fine. But once again my house phone has been turned off for failure to pay...so i can't connect at home and the laptop i got from my SpecialDaddy ain't working that well at school, bout time i log on, class has ended.

as you can imagine a lot is going on...i am behind in everything and one by one things are getting cut off...but im not that stressed out about it because My Child's health is fine. I am still in pain everyday, but everyday I get to be in pain....i still will do all the updates that i am supposed to just as soon as things slow down over here.

Can A Sista Catch Her Breath?---DANG

2006-08-11T13:25:00.000-05:00

Now, i was on a roll at least i thought i was. Pardon my absence but I went to the "crappiest place on earth" which has been dubbed "the happiest place on earth". I will speak on my trip there later cuz i am already behind in my post on ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL of my sites. and plus i owe someone a photo.. So today I was in a car accident. WDH? i will talk abt that later to cuz you know i have to give my take on the WHOLE situation. But i will say that I am okay and MY CHILD who was in the car is okay too...for now..it just happened this morning...my back is having spasms. But i will talk about all that later...got a list of things i need to discuss.

but first things first.

The PRICE WE PAY TO LOOK GOOD

yeah that was the original title of this post before i got slammed into... but anyways so The Wedding happened...yeah the one where i was the original maid of honor and got booted out...that one...and let me tell you that i didn't mind for a change being the second best looking person in the place. and HTTN i ain't talking about the replacement maid of honor, i am talking about the bride, my baby, my very first friend, and my very best friend.

She looked soooo amazing. I have never seen her glow so much. amazing what some soap and water will do for a person. But naw, i boo-hooed like a big dawg when i saw her, of course it could have been that i was already emotional due to the fact that i had been stuck at Enterprise on 95th and Pulaski for 5 hours trying to rent a car..(btw, i am going to organize a boycott of that place, they are so ethnic...URG!) They told me over the phone i could rent a car with a debit card and my license which is now out of state due to the fact i go to school outta state...but when i got there they were like oh, no, you need a major credit card to rent with an outta state license... i was like WDH? why didn't you say this on the phone and what difference does it make? if you take debit cards and i gots money in the bank, wdh does which state my license is in have to do in anything. so now, i am sweating cuz i have to drive to Indiana for the wedding and it is getting to crunch time. And plus everyone else is getting ready for my bio brother's surprise going away party, that i wasn't invited to(he left yesterday for Iraq and yeah, i will discuss that later,too) so i calls my brother cuz they tell me that people in the military can rent a car with a military id and a debit card ( i know this already cuz i used to use my military id all the time for this purpose, and i didn't use it now cuz the army confiscated it...yes, another tale for another day) so i call him and give them the phone cuz he's gonna rent the car for me...but then he tells them that he has two licenses and a military id. and they like well then you need to provide a utility bill in your name to prove you are an IL resident... Wdh, WDH?!?! he has an IL license why does he need a utility bill in his name...he has a military id...why does he need to have a utility bill AND he lives at home with his parents...who and da hell has utility bills in there name when they living in someone else's house? (and i am not talking about them poor babies whose parents have put every bill in their name because their parent's credit is messed up) so in the end they wouldn't let him rent a car for me but let the WHITE gurl from Germany who didn't have an IL license or bill to rent with her debit card and a germany license...hmmmmm... yeah, you already know Enterprise has gotten a letter and have been alerted to the fact that i am going to organize a boycott. (I tell the Truthz)

So I had to call Other, who was a little disturbed that others now know I wasn't invited to my brother's going away party that she was throwing. So she told me when she finished running around getting the stuff for his party, she would come and rent the car for me....as the minutes turned into an hour as I waited for her, i grew angry. I was not going to miss my best friend's wedding. Why? Cuz it was people there hoping and expecting me to simply because I was no longer the maid of honor...I was gonna show dem heafas. Friendship is thicker than a title.

so finally Other gets there and I have abt 25 minutes to run and get showered, dressed and get to Indiana so I can help my baby get dress. Wasn't going to happen, especially after i got lost trying to find the place. and when my best friend wasn't answering her phone i just felt like i had totally let her down. i know she was going to be highly upset with me if i missed her wedding...so i am now in my car boo-hooing like "I hate Enterprise, if i find a rich person, Imma sweet talk them into getting a billboard that says boycott the Enterprise on 95th and Pulaski" after i get over myself, i flag down a driver and ask them if they could point me in the right direction. I had only traveled 35 blocks in the wrong direction.

So the moment of truth came when i walked into the hotel/banquet hall in my dress which was only two shades off of the wedding party color and faced the wedding party. I knew that I looked good when my niece, my best friend's daughter exclaimed, "Auntie Truthz, you look so good, what are you going to be in the wedding?" My response as the maid of honor rolled her eyes at me, "The best friend." Yep, yup, it didn't matter that i wasn't the maid of honor cuz nobody could take away the fact that we have been best friends for 25 years!

So, it turns out that everyone in the wedding party was running a lil behind schedule including the bride, who turned into Bridezilla...this heafa refused to get dress until someone found her special deodorant... do you know i had to run to Walgreens and get this heafa her deodorant so that she would get dress? So, some 3hours later, I was really glad that I wasn't the maid of honor because I got to be something better, the person that my friend knew she could depend on in a crunch...and this heafa had me running for toothpaste, for floss, for makeup concealer, for whatever her heart desired...and I gladly went arunning...

So, I had tips put on my big toes to top off my glam look seeing how my nails don't grow...and I fell down after the wedding, trying to move my luggage and I guess this is the price I had to pay to look oh so glam...

(okay technical difficulty...will correct tonight at home seeing that my home phone is now back on...)

May God have mercy on your soul

2006-07-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Coward,

I don't hate you, i just don't understand you... i don't understand how you could have done what you did when you have two daughters of your own. It's sad cuz I don't think you realize how much your temporary moment of pleasure has reaked havoc on my entire life, my entire being... how it crushed my ego and altered my perception of the world... things got a whole lot darker and uglier and i stopped trusting others and most importantly, i stopped trusting and believing in me. I hope no one violates your daughters the way you did me. I hope they never have to walk in my shoes...
I hope that by saying this, I am freed of my last demon that has a hold of me. I hope that i am free to love and be loved completely. I hope that i start seeing things for all the good that it possess and not instantly focus upon the shadiness and ugliness. I hope you get some help for your sickness.
you need to get on your knees and thank God because it was not in his will for you to be dead, that is the only reason i can think of that i was not able to get my hand on that hammer cuz Lord knows i was gonna bash your brains out.. and that's the only reason i didn't give the go ahead to take you out...and that's the only reason your Mama's house, where i hope you ain't still living, is still standing.
i just wanted to know that i for everything you took for me, i will get back and then some because i am a survivor... you may have caused me to fall and stay down for a very long time, but the fact that i am moving and searching for a way to get back up on my feet or to even just crawl on my knees means that you did not totally destroy me..just mean you stunned me and caught me off guards.

may God have mercy on your soul
Truthz

The Battle of Two Souls

2006-07-25T14:01:00.000-05:00

So, I went to the wedding and have pics to post as soon as I can I will along with the story, cuz you know there is always a story.

So WEB DUBOIS talked about the souls of black folks and how there is nothing worse than an African American because they will forever be battling themselves trying to figure out who they are...Are they African or are they American. Well, i think there is nothing worse than a confused, lost, unloved person, regardless of color..(i might have to rethink the regardless of color thing)

So, I wrote a letter to Other and it felt good...and the fact that i cried when i first reread it let me know that i wasn't over the hurt and pain which mean i didn't actually deal with the situation..hopefully now after i post these last two letters, i will be about to grow upward and stop moving and growing in a circle. My uncle keeps asking me, "what's holding you back from making spiritual growth, you always get to this point and you just retreat and fall off track."
My past is still holding me back....and here is me trying to brush them haters off once and for all.

Dear Hitler,

Well according to the book you are supposed to do this in some rational order but i don't know how well that's gonna turn out with this one. I think i will try and do the good first because i don't think it's really that much i appreciate about you. I have been stewing over this matter for two days trying to make sense of my thoughts in a manner that i could put them down on paper and make them make sense...but i can't really do that because my childhood didn't make sense and you didn't make sense as a father or a husband.

I appreciate the fact that you didn't know how to cook cuz it instilled in me at an early age that i need to get a man that can cook so if there comes a time that i leave him and leave the kids with him, my kids will not suffer with eating hotdogs and pork n beans for a week, a month, or however long it takes me to come back. I guess i should give you a C for your efforts in trying to do different things to the hotdogs and beans like cutting them up, adding barbecue sauce and bacon to the beans...i guess.
I am hoping there is something else that i appreciate about you, maybe it will come out later as i proceed on my trip down memory lane.
I don't think i have hated and despised a person more so than i have you! maybe your mama who betrayed me but that's a different story for a different day. Even the fool who made up the Spooky Fruit song, i like him and we were mad cool when i left for school. You destroyed me....you destroyed my spirit and you destroyed our family. Do you know how embarrassing it is for people to be afraid to call your house because they don't want to talk to that mean guy who answers the phone. You were evil for no reason and i hated you for that...it was like it killed you to see others having fun. I remember when we went to Disney World some 22 years ago. I remember you didn't want us to do anything. We wanted to go to Wet n Wild and you said for what, we had a pool at the hotel, we wanted to go back to the park and you said for what we had went the day before..WDH?!!! why take us for a week to Disney World if you only wanted us to spend a day at the park. Then i remember how you didn't want us to get in the hotel pool when you were using it..WDH...most parents would like to be in the pool with their kids especially at our ages to make sure we didn't drown..so what we could swim!!!! I remember that was your last trip with us. You were no fun and we wanted no parts of your mean and surly ways. You suffered but so did we...we grew farther as a family unit that was already non-existent. Now, I find myself being evil for no reason....i find myself staring down people who are having fun. what a sickness you have passed on!!!

I hated you for abusing us mentally and physically... all of us, i have to speak on the others too even though this is about me because what you did to them affected me in a very big way. You mistreated and abused Waywardone because your blood did not run through him, even opting to skip his wedding to go golfing. How Rude. Your excuse, you knew his mama was gonna be there. Get real with yourself, if that was my wedding, can you honestly say that you would have went golfing? hell to the naw, you wouldn't you would have cried if i didn't invite you and would have been there trying to play proud papa regardless of who was gonna be there. So now, I have this abnormal fear when non-biological people keep My CHILD... MY CHILD will never know his sister by his father's wife if it is left up to me...NEVER, because i have seen first hand what non-biological parents do to their spouse's kids.

You abused Useless because he was a threat to your manhood because his strength was evident...so you figured you would beat him down to a pulp (literally) and that would spare you from any future uprising. Sadly, you beat whatever that was useful right out of him and he may never recover...he may be Useless and Shiftless for the rest of his life...and he may never respect women because you never taught him that he had to. This is why for the last 6 years I have not said "boo" to someone i used to love so dearly.

Other... you beat other in front of her kids...what kind of man does that? right, a man doesn't do that...that's what an animal or a lil boy does. You jumped her for no reason because she wouldn't do what you said to do. She is a person not an animal and not a slave. You cheated on her shamelessly and expected and demanded forgiveness... You tried to control her and in turn you destroyed her and the rest of your family. Because of this, I have dated weak men, weak in body, weak in spirit and weak in the pockets. I have dated men that physically i could have a chance with...I have dated passive men because ain't nobody gonna control me, attempt to control me or tell me what to do the way you did her. Ain't no man gonna put there hands on me and LIVE!!!! i have dated men that i didn't have to depend on so they wouldn't be able to hold anything above my head, i have dated people that i could control and manipulate, so i have dated losers to make sure i don't date someone like you...but in doing so, i got someone exactly like you...LUV is exactly like you except he ain't no fool to put his hands on me cuz he knows without a doubt that i will bring that equalizer and wipe him and his family out!!!!! he even shares your name and your weight, how nice.

Me, you crushed my spirit when you should have been making it grow. I was supposed to be daddy's little gurl. I was until that incident on the front porch of me doing show and tell with my body parts. I remembered how you got a kick outta telling people how weak i was ...how you just had to yell at me to discipline me cuz i was so soft. I was and never have been soft, i am emotional, there is a difference and yours and your wife's foolishness probably gave me a nervous disorder. I remember how you used to embarrass me with telling EVERYONE that i peed in the bed...Do you think a 13 year old wants people to know they peed in the bed? did you think that was going to make me stop...the only thing that made me do was hate you more and made me perfect 1. my getaway plan and 2. your assassination plan. Now i am extremely sensitive to smells that are coming from my body...overly sensitive. I won't even carry MY CHILD when he has peed on himself for fear someone will think it's me. How absurd is that? You damaged my eardrum so now i can hardly hear....
You tried to control me....and now i rebel against all authority...NO ONE will control me and tell me what to do and what to wear. Ask the army? Not even you...did i take you for a loop when you told me to quit my job and i told you i wasn't going to quit my job unless you were going to give me the money i made from working...do you remember that? do yah? i can still see the vein piercing from your head. i also can remember the one satisfying thing about the whole incident: you knew as well as i knew that i was no longer afraid of you so I had won!! checkmate. yeah i knew you could and would kill me, but i no longer feared death, so i no longer had to fear you!!!! i remember you wanted me to quit cuz i spent the night over my aunt's house talking about i got a house of my own, that's probably why i feel so self-conscious and out of place at peoples home and probably why when i do come to visit i stay at others homes. I missed out on being a child because of you. yOu didn't even want us to go on the Bozo show...why? cuz we didn't need to be on t.v.
Do you remember when you cut the head off my bank and stole my money and had the nerve to ask me what i was looking at and to turn my head the other way...do you? i remember and everyday i get closer and closer to getting put out i think about the money MY CHILD has in his account that could buy me some time but i know deep down that I will probably never touch his money cuz i still remember how hurt i was when you STOLE my money and bought beer with it when we didn't even have food in the house and had been eating on soup and beans for over 2 weeks. i guess we will be homeless.
OH, i am very thankful that you love your grandchildren especially mine. I am so grateful for the car you bought him...that was a big help cuz taking public transportation with a brat was no fun.
You never SHOWED me how a man should treat me because you never treated my mother the way she should have been treated. You didn't respect her which made it easy for others to disrespect here. You never Showed me how a man should love me because you never took the time out to love us or show us you loved us...you were always so angry, so mad...so ugly. ....so violent. Now, I am so angry, mad, violent and down right ugly at times.
I was just lamenting about why and how i am able to keep grudges for so long without forgiving or letting go...and it hit me today as i was walking to meet a friend for lunch.. i have you to thank...when my heart died, your daddy, you waited until the last possible minute before going to see him...he held on for you!!! your bitterness was going to allow you to let him die without you all making amends..and i am the same way.
i was soooooooooo angry that you did not let me say goodbye to my baby, your brother... i still resent that...you knew how much i loved him and how much he, me. i think you did that out of spite just like you didn't let me go see STEVIE at the Taste or be a crossing guard...all out of spite...talking about i was a gurl...but funny thing is you used to tell people you had 3 boys.. and how you just stop allowing me to get male phone calls when you knew you had encouraged me to be a tomboy all of my life so all of my friends were males... wdh was i supposed to do without any friends. So now, I am so confused...never learned how to be a lady cuz i was out playing tackle football and never got to fully understand men cuz they became forbidden right when i needed them the most.
You taught me that if you make your bed hard, you will have to lie in it and that you will reap what you sow... I call your life poetic justice. and even though i would like to stand and gloat becuase it appears that you are reaping the hard bed that you made for yourself, i can't...because if i don't figure out how to shake off all of this toxic crap you have passed on to me, i will have the same fate.
I am grateful and love the fact that you had the sense to pick the best friend that you did because he has truly been a blessing for me...i thank Jehovah for him each day.
I don't want anything from you because i just don't... i just needed to get that out of my system so i can grow...so i can get baptized, so i can be found by the man that is truly going to love, respect and protect me for the rest of my life. I needed to say that so I can finally be free... You crushed my spirit but i am resilient and i will shine brightly again.

With deep regards,
Truthz

and hopefully with my last letter, i will be free to just live and start seeing and feeling like my movement is in a forward direction...so gurl, holdon, i have one more person to confront and then i will post the pic that will have you in stitches...i promise.

Finally, A Moment's REST

2006-07-24T13:23:00.000-05:00

First off, let me thank everyone who was concerned about me. I love you, and that was love you showed because outside of maybe two people who read this blog, none of you have seen me in your life, but that doesn't mean you don't know me. Cuz what I put down on these pages are real. What I have been through is real...it ain't made up for your reading pleasure. And if I was lying about anything, trust and believe my PIC would have put me on blast a long time ago. Especially seeing how I be talking about her flaky behind in these blogs sometimes. Now, I am not suicidal, not to say I haven't been. I was...... but God knew what he was doing when he put that baby in my life because one thing i cannot be is a failure. And I would feel like a failure if I didn't see MY CHILD to his 18th b-day because of something I had done to myself. But I do get tired and I do get jealous and envious when I see people around me getting all this monetary support from their family and friends and all I get is "you are such a strong person, I don't know how you made it for three months with on 10 dollars to your name and no food in your house." It made me feel so unworthy, like I was defective and I didn't deserve to get helped or do anything besides struggle. After awhile, you get tired of running into a brick wall or you get tired of fighting the losing battle. It's like Kunta...he was so full of spirit and life, but in the end, he was "Toby, sir." And I know how to pray, and ain't afraid to get down on my knees and pray for everyone and their mama, but for some reason, I have a hard time praying for myself...i guess deep down I don't feel i deserve God's blessing. And yeah, some of the stuff I've stated, I've stated before but I keep coming back to it because something triggers the unresolved feelings that I have from my childhood. And yeah, it's easy to say let it go and move on, but you have to come to some type of closure with everything in your life or you will always find yourself revisiting that part of your life at the most inopportune time. So, I am reading this book, cuz I wanted to understand how men and women communicate with each other. I am tired of being alone...I am a nympho and I need some cuz I am horny, but I want to do it the right way. (um, i said I want to do it the right way) I want to be someone Mrs. and I am not ashamed to say that but i don't want to be their MRS. and still have all these crazy feelings running through me that I can't control or comprehend. Like why am i so terrified of being abandoned and rejected? Why do I crave attention? Why do I shy away from competition? Why do I have a hard time letting go of grudges? and then reading the book, it hit me... i have to resolve things with HITLER and OTHER, I have too, or I will always be right back here. always running and hiding under cars from boys that i like, or pushing them away first so that they can't let me down or leave me first. I have to put to rest everything i feel about everything with them and i will do it here starting with Other.

Dear Other,

I just want you to know that this is a long time in coming. There are days that I hate you and days that I wish like you, that you had aborted me. I will never forget the day you told me that. I will never forget how I laughed at you and told you how weak you were. But most importantly, I will never forget how hurt I was. I have felt like a motherless child all my life and that's sad because I grew up orphaned even though I grew up with my biological family.
I hate the fact that you never had the strength to "just leave." It makes me so angry when I look at the aftermath of yours and your husband foolishness. Now, since you never had the strength to leave, I think everybody is going to to leave or that people are just sticking around cuz they don't have the courage to leave...so i am always sitting around trying to figure out what people's motives are instead of just enjoying the moment for what it is...a moment of my life that I will never be able to get back. I am angry that I am twenty something years old and just figuring out how to love myself regardless of what anyone else thinks or says about me because you didn't take the time out to SHOW me that you loved me or to SHOW me how to love myself. I remember how I came home crying in first grade because someone had called me burnt black toast and talked about my buster brown shows. I remember how hurtful those words were...how all the eighth graders laughed and talked about how Black I was...AND i remember how you laughed when I told you and told me "well, you are black." I remember how you thought it was so humorous and trivial that you had your husband play EBONY and Ivory for me...and I remember how my brothers laughed at me...I remember how i hated you and wanted you to die. I remember how your sister said i should never wear black cuz I was already black and that they couldn't see me...I remember how you didn't correct her until years later...I remember how your MAMA separated us, Me, Diva, and Memory from one another, often leaving me in the room by myself...how she didn't want anything to do with me because of my color when she was only two coats away from being Manute Bol's twin...and you never said anything, and when i questioned you about her actions, you brushed it aside as if I was the clueless one, only to admit to it much later. Your actions taught me to hate myself. Good thing for my paternal side who was in love with my Blackness, probably the only reason I am still here today.

It makes me mad when I come home to visit and see all of the things you have bought for your other kids, especially Useless and you give me a trinket. What the hell do I need with some contact lense holders when I ain't wore contacts in about 10years? And then how you think because you birthed me you can speak for me when you have NO idea who I am or even who your grandchild is. like how you got my childcare cancelled answering questions for me like i was your bestfriend and you hadn't talked to me in over 2 years. then telling me you are still my mother. Hah, do you even know what that word means? and doing everything for show...how sickening is that? you always have to outdo or out show someone to prove that you care...maybe that's why i always second guess my gifts that i give to people. i can't afford much so my trinkets are really from the heart, but they are just that, trinkets. and since it ain't no elaborate show of some sort, i feel as if my gifts are inadequate and inferior. I hate that you drove me off to school and dropped me off without even making sure I was okay...just left me to fend for myself which I have been doing to the best of my ability.

But, for all the bad you did do some good. I love the fact that you taught me that I could be just as good if not better as males and people of different races. Because of that, I am able to walk into a room full of non-black males and make them shudder because i do not tremble in their presence. I love the fact that you took us around the world and showed us how others live and what other places look like, because of that, I am not afraid to visit new places and try new things. And, I am able to see the bigger picture instead of just what's in front of me. I love the fact that you took an interest in our education when we were in school and did not defend us when we were wrong. I learned at an early age that they are consequences and repercussions for my actions. I love the fact that you did not squash my voice cuz lord knows some people wish i would shut up...but because of that, I am able to speak the Truth, good, bad, or ugly. I am able to speak what's on my heart to just about anyone and not care if it's politically incorrect. I love the fact that you did not hide it when we were struggling and didn't have money to buy food and we just had to make do. Because of that, I do not fret when my cupboard is bare, I just simply get out the flour and water or the beans and continue the magic of making something out of nothing.

I don't know what I want from you because it's nothing you can do to change what you have done to me. I don't think I love you, but I do like and appreciate you for the things that you have taught me, whether good, bad, or indifferent....because if it wasn't for those lessons, I would not be the person I am today. and today, I am a beautiful, sexy, ambitious, sometimes confused Black woman who is loving getting to know how to love herself unconditionally. And inspite of everything, I know deep down that I will be somebody that MY CHILD will be proud of.

With fond regards,
TRUTHZ

sleeping is much different from resting...and i finally got some rest and now i am able to go forward with what i need to do.

The Lesser of Two Evils

2006-07-06T14:16:00.000-05:00

So, I have been over here debating on if I have what it takes to end it all...
Not really if I have what it takes but will I? I mean who will save me this time?
See I know I have what it takes cuz I have attempted before and only attempted because I am still here, didn't need to go get the stomach pumped cuz Walt Disney intervened...for someone who never had a clue, I still don't know how she knew that them things floating at the top of my cocoa wasn't marshmellows. Then Fire Marshall Bill comes in and gives me this stern lecture about how I bet not do that again cuz he'll make sure they bring me back so he could hurt me...yeah, he loves me.
And then all the whispers and stares...and i used to whisper right back and stare them down until they turned away...YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!
You don't know what it feels like to feel so unworthy and feel like everyone is pissing on you.

The funny thing is why then...why then did i take the pills...why then when what i was going through was nothing compared to when I was raped or when the twins died or even when I went to the doctor and they told me I had cancer or when me and Walt were so poor that we used to steal bread from the grocery store or walk around "tasting" everything in the store..or when the doctor told me that I kept throwing up the bread because it was too heavy for my stomach because it had been so long since i had a decent meal......why then?

So right now I am going through trials that don't seem to amount to the things that really have rocked my foundation or left a lasting imprint upon my brain like when Skitzo stabbed Hitler in the head or when MY CHILD stopped breathing and turned colors or when MY CHILD died in my hands (the twin)....and I just want to die. Why? Maybe because all the hard stuff drained me of my energy or my want to fight...maybe i am just tired of feeling like the world is pissing on me.

here it is we got peeps who cheat and beat the system all of their lives and NOTHING ever happens to them...they millionaires and still living on welfare and then you got me just trying to provide for MY CHILD honestly and you got everybody and they mama coming after me. we don't understand how you are able to pay your rent with the money you get each month so we gonna cut off your food stamps and your insurance. you worked a job for 10 days four years ago so we gonna cut off your child's insurance... you been in school tooo long so we ain't gonna give you no financial aid.... you paying your bills late so we gonna cut off your lights.... you work too far to walk so we gonna raise the gas prices... (okay maybe that's not why but that's how it feels)

So every night I go to sleep and see My Child in a coffin. And every night i say why didn't you just kill him then yourself then you wouldn't be here fighting with people who think you are being insensitive because you are having a private funeral for YOUR Child...and everyday I wake up and say, things have to get better cuz I don't know if i can do a BELOVED... but if I was to kill myself I would have to cuz couldn't nobody deal with my child the way that i do.

Now I ain't going to kill myself because I ain't gonna kill MY CHILD unless he raising his hand up to me and can actually hurt me, Then I will kill him dead...I brought him in this world and I will have no problem taking him out...But i can't kill him if he ain't done nothing but get on my nerves just about everyday of his life. and seeing that my Rightful DADDY will take MY CHILD and love MY CHILD just as he has loved me....I'm not sure about all parties involved. I'm not sure that everything that I WANT for my child will be given to my child if I am not here to give it to him. Guess the joke's on me...cuz it was much easier when all i had to think about was myself.. it took nothing to put those pills in that cocoa and to begin to sip it.... nothing...no after thought or regrets... i didn't care nothing about all those comments that would come about how selfish i was... YUP, that's me Selfish...finally took some time out to do something for me, you just mad that i'm dead because now you gots to find another sucker to mooch off of and use.... that's how i felt... and when they told me that i was gonna die in the hospital, i didn't care about all them fools calling up to my room with that mess that they wanted to see me one last time... when i told them "to let me die in peace" i meant that with all of my heart.

but i can't be fake, it's not in me and even though fakeness surrounds me and i could not kill myself and leave my child behind to fight for himself the way i was left to defend for myself...and i couldn't kill my child and then kill myself simply so i could finally be at rest and not have to deal with all the craziness that i have no control over in my life...

so until i find a better solution, i will continue to sleep most of my days away..... where does it hurt????? all over

The rain's coming in

2006-06-27T08:39:00.000-05:00

You ever feel like your life is a disaster waiting to happen? Like a typhoon, or a hurricane, just waiting for the perfect time to unleash? Well, it's Katrina over here. The rain is just about to drown this po' old "country" gurl from the Chi'. I believe the patchwork I have been doing will no longer help me. There are holes within holes in my life right now. I fix one and another appear, then another and another...

It seems like all of my life i have been fighting to keep my head above water. Some days I swim really well and it feels good..Others I float and get much need rest...but lately, I have been dogging paddling and treading water and even taking in some water and I am getting weak...or am i tired? don't know but more and more the thought of just going under water becomes appealing.

Its funny because the things I thought i was accomplishing, I really wasn't. Like i thought i had mailed some letters, one of which is supposed to be heading to the MO, and low and behold, what do I find in my personal size life compacter? my letters, many of which were bills and tickets, now they are overdue. how did i not remember that i hadn't mailed them? i have only been to the post office 6 times in the past week. maybe in was all of the unnecessary junk i have to carry around in my purse so that i can pacify MY CHILD within a momet's notice. then i got a notice that they cut my health insurance off without notice and MY CHILD's...now, at this point, i am not worried about me...i can get through, i gots my ways...but him, ain't nobody checking him out in no back alley off the record. and he gots some issues going on that we needed to get addressed before they got worse, but now we can't cuz we ain't got no insurance and no money to pay for the visit. But, trust, I am going to take him and just charge it to my "credit score". So now Ise got to go sit down and try and fight with these ignant welfare people to try and make them understand that MY CHILD needs his medical. keep the food stamps, who needs food if you can't be seen when you not breathing? And i am mad because I did everything I was supposed to do, it ain't my fault my worker gave me the wrong information. Talking about i didn't report my job i worked last decemeber that i worked for 10 days... WDH... not only did i report it, i told my worker before i started. and here it is people who been working four jobs for about 14 years and ain't never report it and yall still ain't stop their stuff..

can you see the steam rolling out of my head. i am wondering how much more before my head explodes? how much more?

"as the tears are rolling down your cheek, you steady hoping things don't all fall this week...it's crazy it seems to never let up...."

i am trying to keep my head up, but my next and shoulders are getting tired of holding it....

so if i am MIA for a minute it's because i'm trying to pump out the seaping waters that are pouring in from all sides. I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENT SECTION, THANKS FOR BEING SO EASY.

Bathroom Etiquette, Read it Learn it Practice it!!!

2006-06-20T21:23:00.000-05:00

So seeing we are quickly approaching the time where I have to do the unthinkable, I decided to share this with yall cuz it's evident that some of us don't understand the universal code that you need to get the heck out of the bathroom so I can take a crap!!!

Now me, being me, I don't like taking craps in public bathrooms or anywhere that isn't my home, but sometimes I am forced to do so, especially when that Red mongoose is visiting me. No matter what I eat or what I drink, it always happen, when it's that time, I get the craps. Now when I worked at a place that only had a single stall in the restroom, it was no problem. I would simply wait until no one was around go in the bathroom, do my do, come out and put an Out of Order sign on the door. But not at this place I am working at now...There are five stalls and it always seems like when it's time for me to do my do, they want to stay in the bathroom and converse with me while I am in the stall or they pick that time to brush their teeth and comb their hair.

Now if I am in the stall more than five minutes and you do not hear the stream of urine hitting the water, that means I am not about to pee and I need you to hurry up and leave. If you hear me line the toilet seat when I come in, that means I ain't trying to talk to you, I need for you to leave.. If you hear me tinkle and flush and I still haven't exited the stall and I began opening and closing the sanitary thing about a billion times...IT MEANS I NEED FOR YOU TO LEAVE so i can crap in peace.

It's a painful thing when you have to hold in your crap because someone refuses to practice bathroom etiquette so you can crap in peace.

Just thought I would share.

On another note, I will be mia for a couple of days cuz I have a big project to do and I have to shop for a retirement gift and a bridal shower gift.. But so you won't be bored, I decided to take a page outta Nikki's blog and let you ask me any question you want about me.. and this will really be a testament to how much i have changed. Because I am known to be very truthful, but only about things I am ready to be truthful about...not that i lie, i will just circumvent the question. I speak the truth about things when i am ready to speak the truth about things and things i am not ready to discuss, i don't talk about...hope that makes sense...

But anyways, I promise to try my best to not talk in circles but to directly answer your question.

Spoiled...Yeah, that's Me.

2006-06-19T08:43:00.000-05:00

Thank the lord, it's Monday!!!! I've been up since 3:45 waiting for 7:30 to get here. Why, cuz that's what time MY CHILD's daycare opened back up. Them heafas have been close almost a week, and enough is enough. MY CHILD was the first one there today and trust, he will be the last one getting picked up today.

So I thought about what some peeps said...about lessons being in everything. So I am figuring that the lesson I am supposed to be learning from MY CHILD is patience. Cuz i don't have any and never have had any. I want everything when I want it and how I want it, no ifs, ands, or buts. I have been the Little Red Hen all of my life, and not by choice.

Growing up the second oldest of four and the oldest gurl, you really have no choice, you either do it yourself or it doesn't get done...at least not right away. So, I have been practically doing for myself since I was seven. At times it gets frustrating cuz I don't know how to 1. ask for help and 2. sit back and let someone else help me. and when I ask you for help, I have a hard time being on your time. If I say I need x,y,z done and I need it done by a, that's what I mean. Don't come on b expecting that I am going to be grateful that you showed up and expecting for me to still need your help.

So when I get it in my mind that I need something or want something or someone, that's it... I am going to go get it or him on my terms...no ifs, ands, or buts...(unless the guy I want is showing his butt, then it can be some butts...) Now peeps will tell you determination and tenacity are great traits to have, but not when you have no patience. Sometimes you need to plant the seed and sit back and wait for it to grow. (yeah, when I was 8 i planted some appleseeds and watermelon seeds in the Old Heafa's yard and after a day got mad when nothing grew and tried planting a whole apple and was stopped when i was feena plant half a "good" watermelon)

So I think I messed up things with this dude I was really feelin named EL because I couldn't just sit still and let nature take its course. I think we had a beautiful foundation but things were just moving too slowly for me. And I hate not being in control...I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN when it comes to MY CHILD and my life. Tell me right up front the pros and cons and the likelihood something is or isn't going to happen. That way I can prepare for the worse and hope for the best. But for some reason, you can't do that in relationships. There's always so many games you have to play even before you get down to who the real person is that you are dealing with, and by that time, I am good and spent. I ain't gots the time to be figuring out if you like me the way I like you. Just tell me, I am feeling this way with you and depending on how things turn out, I would like for us to wind up here... (yes, here meaning a place where I got a Mrs. on the front of my name.) So EL was moving too slow so I pull a card from the Chance box and skip 12 spaces and now we are ???? hell, I don't know where we are cuz EL has disappeared.

And I am only thinking about this cuz there's this dude that I guess is really feeling me right now and he is like borderline stalking me...and I'm like dang, is this how I made EL feel? Cuz if so, I can see why he done gone M.I.A. I told Fif that I really didn't have time for a relationship because I am going through a lot right now and plus I am kinda talking to someone...which is true. I am really feeling EL and I don't want to complicate things by talking to someone else and I also didn't want to hurt Fif's feeling by not telling him cuz I know he really likes me and him finding out later on when I'm like yo' I can't talk to you cuz I'm booed up. The funny thing is everything I am looking for from El, Fif has it except for style... Fif got as much style as Howard Stern. He compliments me and really lets me know he is really feeling me...But he over does it to the point that it sounds like he spitting game and that turns me off...and everywhere I turn he's there. He calls me no less than 10 times a day. He is really nice and sweet and ..... i don't know...he's such a square....and he rushing things to a place that i am not ready to be, at least not with him..... and things could be so much better if he would just be patient and let me sort out what i need to sort out. if he would let me just be and marinate in my thoughts and just enjoy whatever part of me i am willing to give him at the time, whether it's a "hello" or a smile....

So now, I need to figure out how to fix things with EL or need I just let things marinate and see if he comes back...

It's kinda like that Floetry song, FEELINGS.....yeah, exactly like that

What if God was one of us?

2006-06-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

So on most days, I hate being a parent. I do, it's the worse job in the world, no benefits, no promotions, nothing but heartache and pain. My Child is a brat, as I have established. and it's wearing on my nerves, especially since I am in a financial bind. It seems like everyday he makes it his goal to break something that I need and that I have no money to replace or repair.

I am so close to having a nervous breakdown, if I am not already having it. I get so angry with him that somedays I want to pick him up and throw him across the room, but instead I tell him to go to his room and not come out until I tell him it's safe. People on the outside looking in, think this is funny or that I am overreacting because he is just a child. And that being said, I know that My Child knows right from wrong, and I know when he does something simply to aggravate the hell outta me.

The other day he kept touching my stuff (yeah, i sound just like a kid myself, but it is what it is) and I kept telling him to stop. He knows that I don't like him touching my stuff. I have a lot of collectibles and just sentimental stuff that I do keep in my room, away from him. But, he likes to go in my room and bother this stuff while i am sleeping. and it makes me beyond mad, so one day i was just saying to him, "you know what, you get on my last nerves with you always touching stuff and doing stuff you know you aren't supposed to...how many times do i have to tell you to stop doing something before you are going to get it in your head that i am not playing with you and that i mean business?"

and then i was like "people make me sick when they say that you get this mess from me cuz i was nothing like you growing up, i was a great kid, very obedient until i was at least 12, so i don't know who you get this foolishness from."

and as i pondered over who he could have gotten his hard headedness from i thought about how God must feel about me... I wonder if He tired of me doing stuff He told me not to do...I wonder if He wonders when I will get it through my head that He means business.

I came, I saw, I ate some nasty White Castle

2006-06-13T10:12:00.001-05:00

So, I had to take an extended mental day before I could sit down and put some words on paper that might make a lil bit of sense.

So, I drove up to New Jersey and that's where I stopped. So I didn't get to make it down the road to NYC because the Puerto Ricans had my gurl LahLah scared outta her brains. She just knew someone was gonna shoot or molest MY CHILD. But it was all good because the trip proved to be just with this ole gurl needed to get back on her square.

Some times all you need to get back to that inner peace is for you to chill with some peeps that know you inside and out. You know the kind that know without asking when to give you your space and when to smother the hell outta yah? Well LahLah is not one of the faithful ten but she is pre-rape and I know without a doubt she gots nothing but love for me and MY Child, whom she spoiled to no end. Her family was the best, feeding us all that good cooking. For the most part my trip went smoothly outside of the nasty White Castles, the ghetto to the fifth power Chuck E Cheese we went to, and one of LahLah cousin's almost made me act "unlady."

So I love White Castles and couldn't wait to get to Jersey so I could have one of my fav. lil burgers. I had been talking to LahLah while I was on the turnpike talking about don't you go to sleep and you know I want some Sliders tonight. So when we got to her crib, I dropped my luggage on her floor and was like let's go! We went to White Castle where I ordered my regular, 3 double cheese burgers, no onions. I couldn't wait to rip into those juicy burgers, my mouth had been waiting how many hours for this taste? I picked the burger up and shoved it into my mouth only to have my tongue and throat try to force it back out. WDH?!?! What is this barbecue sauce on here? What is this? Is this catsup? OMG, who in da hell puts catsup on White Castles? Aw hell naw, this ain't right, they gonna make me call up da Chi and have them come out here and do a training. So, my first night in Jersey was ruined. But, I did go back the day and ordered my regular with no onions and no CATSUP and it was almost like the chi' almost.

I have never been to a ghetto CEC's like the one I went to in Jersey. I mean they need to shut this place down and start over.

The ghetto parents, don't know where this new breed of parents are coming from, but they need to pick up a parenting book or a "how to behave at CEC's" book cuz they were off da hook. These parent's not only allowed, but encouraged their kids to walk up the skee balls' lane, so that they could drop the ball into the highest number bucket. WDH?!? When I was growing up, if you didn't have enough wrist power, you just rolled gutter balls or kept rolling that one ball that kept rolling back to you while your older bro/sis rolled the rest of your balls. I mean really, was it really worth it to teach your child to cheat at any age especially seeing this bootlegged CEC only gave out a certain number of tickets regardless of how high or low your score was? Yeah, I was hot cuz i was crushing 40's and whatnots on the basketball game and would only get four tickets, the same as the fool standing next to me with 8 points. WDH!!!!!

Then the fact that we had to wait like some 2 1/2 hours for a cheese pizza. WDH were they doing, milking the cow and turning the milk into cheese themselves? I mean really. and every time we asked for our pizza we were told five minutes..those five minutes turned into 45 more minutes. It's a lot of things I play with, starving children ain't one of them. So I went in the kitchen and had a lil chat with the manager who proclaimed he had not only sent our pizza out eons ago but personally made it. Now, i'm like well we didn't get it so what are you going to do to compensate us cuz this is ridiculous, how you make someone wait over 2 hours for a cheese pizza? so he was like he would give us our money back and "still give us our pizza." It was funny cuz he said it like he was doing us a favor...He didn't know that I was going to get my money back, my pizza and some more stuff. I don't know who he thought he was playing with, making me stop playing my skeeballs to come over and find out why My Child still saying he hungry. So some 20 minutes later, we got our pizza and some buffalo wings on the house. So sorry for the peeps who really had ordered them. Not five minutes after we got our food, a cop comes up to us all aggressive like you need to get out in 15 minutes they closing. My head snapped around so fast that it stopped him in his tracks...he changed his tune and was like I'm just letting you know. WDH? LahLah hurried up and sent him on his way before I was able to unleash on him. (she talking about she knew what she was thinking and she knew that i would probably say what she was thinking and then some.) (and yah know what, she was right cuz i was gonna tell him how i wasn't leaving until i finished my pizza we had waited some 4 hours for..(yeah, i pulled a tyler perry)). Then the games ran outta tickets and the workers was like they didn't have any more tickets in store, they had to order some....yeah, it was a good thing they were about to close cuz it was gonna be a riot up in there.

So LahLah's cousin tried to play my hand, but I killed her with kindness. I peeped right off the back that she wasn't feeling me when we were introduced. Lahlah was like Cherry "this my gurl Truthz from da Chi" and she was like "uh, hi" and kept talking to Lah's sister like i wasn't there... I laughed... I was like you come in and get jealous, is it because you can see my big ol pretty legs in these tight jeans? LoL, it was a good thing she didn't see me the day before when I had on my hotmama skirt that blew up at the park to show my magenta panties. (yeah, Lah, that's for you calling them pink) Or is it because I'm getting the attention you thought you were going to get when you set out to come over. Yeah, I know how it is when you used to riding shotgun and without notice you get put in the backseat for the new cat. She bets to get used to it cuz I'm Bossy!!! (naw, I just tripping, I must of seen that video a billion times over Lah's house, that's all i did, catch up on my videos so we could laugh at MY CHILD dance) So, she really tested me when she moved the napkin with the chicken away from my son who was reaching for some chicken and then gave him this look...I must of prayed a billion times in that second..."Please Jehovah, don't let me snatch a knot in her neck." So instead of snatching a knot, i just placed My Child's chicken on the napkin with the other chicken and told him to eat that. She gave me a look as she tried to remove the rest of the other chicken and held it in her hand for Lah's nephew. It was a good thing I was about to get on the road to go home cuz if I had to put up with her more than a couple of hours I would've had to bop her upside her head. So when I left, I bid everyone goodbye and gave them a hug and when it was her turn, you could see the look in her eyes, was i gonna play her face by leaving her out and not say bye or hug her? Nope, not today, I was gonna try out the new me, so I said bye and gave her a big ole hug, and she was left speechless....

thats right, kill them with kindness, and if that don't work, it's always rat poison.

Don't take it personally.

2006-06-07T23:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I talked to whozatgurl#1 and it was good to hear her voice, we sorta one and the same but different, you know? We've gone through a few similar things that have bonded us together....
For instance, we are both coping with trying to establish the women we are today, realizing that the women we once were, are long gone. and that's a hard thing to come to grips with, to know that the person you were so comfortable being, and knew oh, so well is simply gone, never to return.

It's weird cuz we trying to make sense outta different things even though our experience was the same. I'm trying to figure out why I take things so personally and she's trying to figure out why she so nonchalant.

Well, actually, I know why I take things so personally, I'm trying to figure out how I can get back to a place where I let everything roll off my back without even a tad bit of it affecting me. Don't get me wrong, I put on a good show like it ain't bothering me, but it is. I take things home and I ponder them and ponder them until it makes me sick, and it can be the littlest thing.

Like last week, I ran into a classmate who was talking about going up to NYC and when I mentioned that I would be going up there also after the fifth, she automatically assumed that I was going to see my classmate (the one that helps me out with MY CHILD) and this bothered me so I told her "no, I'm going to see my homie from undergrad, now I might take MY CHILD to see him, but that's not what I'm going up there."

she responded with, " You always using that boy! uhn-uh."

her words pierced through me like a machete's blade. the way she said it made me believe that this wasn't the first time she had uttered the words that she thought i was using my classmate...in fact, she probably even expressed her feelings to him...this angered me, why did people always have to insinuate stuff about people who were just barely staying a float? I mean dang, why was everyone so concerned about how much time my classmate spent with MY CHILD? I have never used anyone in my life and hope never to do so, yet, i have been used many of times, and not just by Luv. Some of my family and friends have used me, and I would never intentionally do that to someone because I know how awful that feels to know that someone's just taking from you cuz they know you wouldn't see them out on the streets or because you wouldn't see them hungry or because you don't like to see them sad, but when the tables were flipped, they could care less if I had a cracker and some cheese for me and MY CHILD to eat.

Now, this would have been a great opportunity for me to just let the crap roll off my back because I knew I wasn't using my classmate and that's all that should have mattered...but no, it ate at me and ate at me until I had to send my classmate an email asking him if he thought I was using him, explaining that wasn't my atttention, needless to say, he didnt' respond, which made me wonder if his silence met yes.... you see how sickening this trend can be?

Once upon a time, none of this would have phased me. I would've laughed in her face, told her I was going to get all that I could get while the getting was good and then dismissed her. BUT, ever since the rape, I second guess, analyze and reanalyze everything. I am not sure about nothing, and lord knows I don't won't to make another bad mistake that proves to be detrimental to my health.

BUT i hate it!!!!! I hate letting stupid stuff bother me. Like my letting people shutting doors in my face when I speak bother me! I hate it!!!! but i don't know how to fix it.

and my gurl, she doesn't know how to reconnect to people so that things that should bother or affect her do...

Is there no middle ground, and if so, how do we get there?

(okay i will be missing for a couple of days, I have been given 2 brand new assignments due friday, one by open of bizness and the other by the close, so that means a sistah might have to actually bust a sweat...first time for everything...and then i leave for NYC friday evening...so I will catch up with your lives sunday night....Be EAZY, it's a jungle out there.)

So I decided to double post

2006-06-07T07:32:00.000-05:00

Hidden talents that probably should stay hidden. (the real title)

So yesterday at work, which is where I am now, got here early just so I could blog, aren't you all fortunate....okay back to the story,

So, yesterday at work, GHM bought a purse from the corner stand, one that he was charging 75 bones for, she got it for 15, and we soon found out why. The purse was one of those gold metallic purses that came with one of those key locks, like the one you put on your gym locker. The thing is, there was no key. So the IT/handy man spent 15 minutes trying to pick the lock and couldn't, and I without thinking picked up the lock and popped in under 2 minutes.

Now the IT dude is secretly fuming, how in da hell did I pop something that he couldn't when he gets paid to pop locks? He takes the locks and after 20 minutes he locks it back, then he takes the lock only to return it 3 hours later still unable to open it. I laughed, once again Truthz has stumped someone with her Natural talent.

I didn't go to school or take no class on popping locks, popping locks to me is like breathing, it comes naturally. I mean how else are you going to get bootlegged cable if you can't pop the lock to where the cable box is held and then pop the lock on the cable box? I mean duh. Or how else are you going to break into your aunt's door while she is gone to get the only telephone in the house so that you can talk to your gurls about the new dude you like? I mean duh. I mean how else are you going to get into your friend's car, where she has left the car keys, so you all can get home before her parents find out that she has taken their car without permission and that you all are out after curfew? I mean double duh. I mean if you don't know how to pop a lock and pop it fast, you are not going to be able to do any of those things without getting caught...DUH!!!

So now people looking at me wondering what other talents I have that may come in handy when they in a crunch, and you know what, I ain't telling them. Some talents are better off kept hidden.

What a difference a day Makes

2006-06-07T07:15:00.000-05:00

So, I don't know if this is gonna be a long post or if I'm just going to double post. I know I have been m.i.a., but that hasn't been my fault, the other day when I came home, I raced to my computer cuz I had a lot I wanted to get off my chest, and to my dismay, my computer wouldn't connect, kept saying there was no dial tone. So after taping the modem cord into the wall with about a billion pieces of tape, it dawned on me to check and see if my phone was on, and low and behold, they had cut me off, again. Yeah, I know, I said I was going to be paying my bills on time, and I was BUT, there's only so many bills you can pay with a negative bank balance. But, I was able to use the money my aunt just sent me to pay my phone bill, cuz if I can't blog, that means I would have to start talking to strangers on the bus, and we surely don't want that.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo~

On Monday I was going to tell you how I need to figure out how to add more hours to my day or clone myself, cuz I am running myself raggedy and I am becoming forgetful. And seeing that I am too, too young to be suffering from senility, it must be that I am doing too much and need to slow down. Let's see, I wake up, cleanse my body, brush my teeth, get dressed, get MY CHILD up, fight with him, wash him up, fight with him about what clothes he is going to wear, dress him, make his lunch, pack his lunch, have MY CHILD locate my keys while I locate my glasses, I open the window for the plants, we leave the house, I drive him to daycare, fight with him about which toy he can take outta the car to take to school, I drive myself to my parking location, I board the bus, I go to my intern job, I IM all day unless I am swamped with impossible assignments, I get off work, I walk to bus stop, I board bus, I pick up car, I go to daycare, get MY CHILD, make sure he has the toy he took with him that morning along with his lunch bag, i load him and his belongings in the car after he says bye to all 20 children still left at daycare, I go home, unload all of our stuff, carry him and all of our stuff up five flights of stairs, I turn on That's so Raven, start dinner, decide what I am going to cook the next day for dinner so that I can take it out of the freezer, I finish dinner, I fix My CHILD's plate, fight with him about why he cannot stand up and eat, when he is finish with dinner, I give him a bath, I put him to bed after we say our prayers, I eat, I then clean up MY CHILD's room and the bathroom, and wash dishes, then I start on the pile of mail and papers that seems like it is never gonna disappear, somewhere inbetween all of that, I fall asleep, when I wake up to go to the bathroom, I change into my pj's and go back to sleep, then when I wake up, it's time to do it all over again......

sooooooooooooooooooooo, I guess I could cut out the bathing and brushing my teeth, that could give me about 30 minutes to do something else.

Oh yeah, i forgot, so today (Monday) we were running late cuz I over slept and I dropped him off at daycare and parked my car to get on the bus only to realize that today was his field trip and not only was he looking like who shot john but I was supposed to have dropped him off at the train station, his class was riding the train to the aquarium. So I had to hop back into my car, race and collect him and his belongings from the daycare, race through traffic trying to get to the train station before 8:05, that's when his train departed. It was only 7:49 and I only had a 25 min ride...So I'm zipping and zooming and get there at 8:01, double park, jump out, grabbed the child, race into Union Station, run to the train platform, no kids in sight, ask someone, they tell me the kids got on a specific train, I run carrying My fifty pound child, his lunch and my purse, down the platform like a mad woman, only to discover not a child is on the train, run back to the guy and tell him, so he was like just stand here they bound to come by, so I run back inside, all the while fussing at My CHild for not reminding today was trip day (LOL) and for not wanting to walk and how he was going to just be the only kid at daycare if I didn't find his class, when I found them, then I had to drive back from downtown to park my car only to take a bus back downtown to work.... YEAH ME!!!! at least I didn't get a ticket or get my car towed

To have been a fly on the wall

2006-06-04T19:27:00.000-05:00

So Luv called my house the other day and told me that he thought it was best that he didn't come see MY CHILD any more. Especially, not at my house. I laughed, cuz it wasn't like he came to see MY CHILD anyways. MY CHILD's bedtime is 8 p.m. anyone can tell you that....LUV would roll through at 11pm and later. who da hell was he thinking he was foolin, i don't know. But trust, he always left sadded and blue.

So I feigned the concerned citizen and parent and asked why, why was he not coming to see MY CHILD now? and his answer was because I hurt his feelings the last time he was over when I told him that he couldn't take MY CHILD to get his hair cut because I already had other people taking care of that. Yup, I sure did...and yup it sure is true, someone else is taking him to get his hair cut.

So let me tell you what is really going on. Luv met my classmate at the hospital the last time when MY CHILD had the surgery. My classmate had come up to relieve me so that I could go home and change my clothes that had been peed on over 10 times and puked on at least three. So you know I was smelling wonderful. So I left my classmate in charge while I went home to shower and change and while I was out, Luv decided he was going to come up and play the concerned Papa.

Not sure how things went down but I did get multiple versions of what happened. I got a version from the Gurls, which was based on what their dad had said to them as soon as he left the hospital. I got my classmate's version and I got Luv's version. And it all boils down to, Luv go in his feelings cuz he saw first hand that I wasn't tripping off him. He saw that even though he wasn't doing for MY CHILD, that it really didn't matter cuz someone else was picking up his slack. Then too, Luv knows I would NEVER leave him in charge of MY CHILD while he was in the hospital...Hell, I wouldn't even leave him in the hospital alone with MY CHILD...and to find some other AFRICAN kissing and loving what you donated your sperm to create, has a way of hitting you in the gut. Then to have the hospital staff come in and address my classmate as MY CHILD's father, that couldn't have helped. But, my classmate, being the stellar fellow that he is, he politely told them that he wasn't the father that Luv was. Now, the thing is, Luv never acknowledged that he was the sperm donor...matter of fact he only acknowledged 1 of his 6 kids.

So soon as MY CHILD was released from the hospital Luv comes over talking about he wants to get My CHILD's hair cut ....and I'm like yeah, peeps in hell want ice water, but I don't imagine they will be gettin any. See, if Luv had been asking cuz he wanted to sincerely do it, I might have considered. But I do not have time to be playing games with MY CHILD's head cuz Luv took one to the balls.

I wish I couldn've been a fly on the wall to watch Luv's heart sink when he walked in that room to find My Child laying on my classmate's chest.....